Love: Today, after weeks of eating in the same restaurant, I finally...

By CaptMacLeod - United States - Lancaster

Today, after weeks of eating in the same restaurant, I finally worked up the nerve to ask the super-cute cashier for her phone number. "Aw, how cute. Do you have an older brother?" FML

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Love

This Charming Man

Don't hate the playa…

Two rooms, two atmospheres

By MissMSE - Canada

Today, my friends took my phone and changed all the contact's names to characters from Harry Potter. I have over a hundred contacts and no idea who I'm talking to. I've been texting Draco Malfoy for 4 hours now. FML

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By cduttl1230 - United States

Today, after getting my appendix taken out, we had to drive over five sets of railroad tracks. Then, my four year old brother decided to punch me in the stomach because, "I took away his mommy for two days." FML

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By Megannn - United States

Today, I was in a gas station bathroom attempting to buy a condom from the machine on the wall. A woman who smelled of cat piss walked in, and I got embarrassed so I fled into a stall. She then started a conversation with me about "the good old days" from the next stall over. FML

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By Kayt - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me for the first time. He stopped just as I was about to orgasm, and asked if I could finish by myself. Apparently he'd come up with a new algorithm for the Rubik's Cube on my desk and wanted to try it out. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2021 08:02

8 out of 10 dentists

Today, my 45 year-old sister blamed my parents yet again for losing one tooth after the other because they did not tell her to brush her teeth before going to bed. It's general knowledge, honey. And somehow, I still have all my teeth. FML

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By Marea90h - 25/11/2020 16:58

Money management

Today, my fiancé finally was able secure a PS5, which I told him I'd get for Christmas. Due to high demand, I didn't think he'd be able to get it till next week or so. He bought it last night while I was sleeping. I have to pay my car insurance tomorrow. FML

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By supervisor - United States

Today, at work I wrote up my boyfriend (whom I've been secretly dating, because I'm his supervisor) for being $40 short on his register. Our policy is to write up anyone short over $10. He got mad and told my boss we're dating, and I was instantly fired. Then I got dumped for being a "tattle-tale". FML

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By Walter_Sobchak7

Today, while at work, a sneeze snuck up on me. Ever sneeze so violently your fake tooth shoots into the cubicle across from you? FML

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By BadBreath - United States

Today, I was having a horrible day. I was laying on the couch, crying, when my dog came up on the couch to console me. I was thinking about how great it was to have a dog, because they're there for you when no one else is. As I was sobbing, I heard something. My dog farted into my mouth. Twice. FML

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By scarredforlife - United States - Bethesda

Today, I realized why my sister refuses to let me clean her side of the room. She's secretly been trying to revive dead ants. FML

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By kellthryn

Stop! Thief!

Today, during my work shift, my car got stolen and I had to walk home on the rain. While I was walking home, my stolen car drove by. FML

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By that’s what you get - 5/8/2020 17:02

Food for thought

Today, I warned my husband not to eat the seafood he'd left on the counter. He insisted it was fine. He’s now been in the bathroom shitting, puking and wailing for three hours. Our place is tiny and the bathroom is attached to our bedroom. The door doesn’t keep out the noise or the rancid smell. FML

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By troll of a gran - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I took my grandma to what I thought was a nice movie. An actor used the word "cunt", which prompted her to ask what that word meant in a loud "whisper". She followed up even more loudly with, "Does that mean pussy?" FML

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By Username - France

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML

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By doesnttastegood - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that whilst I was asleep last night, my boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out that whenever he unlocked a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes and putting it in my mouth. FML

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By senelbeat - United States

Today, I was talking to my mother about my sex life, telling her "if I want to have sex I'm going to have sex." She looked at me for a moment and said, "You're staying a virgin until you marry". She wasn't ordering me, she was informing me. FML

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By lawman - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my dad, under threats of disowning me, insisted that I offer my sister a job in my company. I run my own law firm, she is a hairdresser. FML

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By still had to pay - Australia

Today, I took my 5-year old daughter to get a photo taken with Santa, when she asked the dreaded question of why this Santa looked different from one at the other store. Before I could placate her, some cunt of a kid yelled, "Because he's not real, dumbass!" FML

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By fat and alone - United States - Birmingham

Today, I figured I needed to go on a diet when I discovered I could make farting noises with my neck. FML

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By fviz - United States

Today, while using a public restroom to change my tampon, I made eye contact with someone looking at me through the little space in the door. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my new anxiety medicine fully entered my system. It makes me shit my brains out. I can either fart and risk shitting my pants every time or I can be too anxious to even enter a public place. FML

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By anx133 - China

Today, I daringly tried that fish-bath thing, where all these fish come and eat all of your skin's dead cells. I got into it, and after 15 minutes of being a human buffet, at least 20 of the fish died. FML

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By TheLoneSoul - France

Today, I received a call from my wife. It would've been great if she hadn't left on a business trip 3 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my neighbor declared his love for me via "the medium of interpretative dance." FML

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By historyrepeats

Today, I woke up to a Swastika, "Go home" and "Trump2020" spray-painted on my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Montebello

Today, my soon-to-be stepson, 13, decided that he and I needed to spend "more quality time" together. His idea? We should start "bonding" by taking a bath together. When I said no, he told me I was being unfair, and that if I really loved him, I'd do it. FML

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By badhairday

Today, I went to the salon to get my extremely curly hair cut for the first time in years. Apparently, "just trim the dead ends" and "give me an afro" mean the same thing to a barber. FML

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By Yay..... - Canada

Today, my friends thought it would be a good idea to make fun of a homeless man. I didn't fancy making fun of the less fortunate, so I stayed a bit back. Still, the homeless man didn't think it would matter to throw a rock at me after my buddies ran away. FML

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By hazlanz216 - Canada

Today, I was suspended from work. Some lady went to the manager and told them that I was stalking her, all because I would kindly greet her everyday at the grocery store. I'm the cashier. FML

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By knoppad - United States

Today, I was in my backyard. When I wanted to come back in the house, I tried to open the sliding door. I knew that my brother locked me out so I banged on the door very hard, causing the glass to break. It turns out that the door wasn't locked. FML

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By Failed Parent - United States

Today, as I was about to leave for work, my 16-year-old son stumbled home in nothing but his underwear and pink cowboy boots. He threw his hands in the air, yelled, "BOTTLE SIP BOTTLE GUZZLE," promptly threw up and passed out in it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm scared to leave my bedroom. During the night, what must have been a giant spider made a web 4 feet wide stretching from the lightbulb to the tv and then down to the desk corner. It's blocking my path to the door and I can't tell where the 8-legged bastard is hiding. FML

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By shubididubbitty - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, on my way to the dentist, I got rear ended by my own dentist. FML

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By gross - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, after giving a potential employee a drug test and instructing her to leave her urine sample in the bathroom, she not only brought it into the office, she spilled it on the front desk. FML

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By Gears

Close shave

Today, I had dinner at a local fast-food joint. There's an employee there that I usually talk to and flirt with, so I thought maybe it was time to ask for her number. After a small conversation and almost getting to the point, she told me, "I'm 17." I'm 23. FML

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By jessica - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he stopped, got off, walked into the kitchen grabbed a doughnut, and came back to finish while he ate it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Huntsville

Today, after a week of my new neighbor constantly yelling in his native language, I finally complained about the noise. Turns out that's just his normal talking voice. Goodbye sleep. FML

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By Workhorse - United States - Athens

Today, my boss called me to inform me that I'm being laid off. In my ensuing fit of rage, I deleted the recent project I've been working on for weeks. Pretty soon after, he called me back to let me know it was a prank. FML

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By SadBride - United States

Today, my in-laws decided they were going to stay an extra week during our vacation to Dominican Republic next year. This would be fine, if we weren't travelling for our destination wedding, and the extra week wasn't our honeymoon. They are literally joining us on our honeymoon. FML

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By girlw/ablog - United States - Austin

Today, while on a bus, an elderly lady sat next to me sneezed so hard, snot literally went flying. I even offered her a napkin, that she refused. After a brief panic and realizing she had nothing to clean her mess with, she "inconspicuously" wiped her snotty hand on my pants. FML

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Top comments

By Scotth901 | 22

#6520446 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:42

"Babe, I am the older brother. Want me to prove it back at my place?"

By LPac5295 | 27

#6520462 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:48

What's the difference in age OP? Or do you have a baby face?

COMMENTS

By Scotth901 | 22

#6520446 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:42

"Babe, I am the older brother. Want me to prove it back at my place?"

krazy789 | 28

#6520463 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:48

best way to get rejected

EvilTurtle | 35

#6520501 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 19:19

One of us is going to have to change profile pictures

hellnosucka | 27

#6520516 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 19:34

Maybe evilturtle should actually use an evil turtle as a profile pic. You're being unnecessarily problematic you know?

EvilTurtle | 35

#6520610 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 20:59

You're right, I'll change it right now!

bronxiecat777 | 14

#6520645 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 21:59

As a girl I would run.

Scotth901 | 22

#6635889 - Saturday 25 June 2016 6:59

I did

By saifnaqvi11 | 21

#6520447 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:42

Wow that sucks, I know the feels man. Being rejected hurts but fuck her go find someone worth you.

stangbang92 | 17

#6520676 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 22:47

Why are you telling him to butt fuck her. He got rejected.

NotCharlieRost | 15

#6521250 - Wednesday 27 January 2016 14:03

Oh.. *sigh*

By WCARlover | 34

#6520451 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:44

Well is she quite a bit older than you? If not it does kind of suck but hey, at least you were called cute instead of ugly while you were rejected.

By purelymixed | 17

#6520455 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:46

Bitches can be disrespectful as fuck sometimes

MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#6520558 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 20:20

Judging by your comment, you're receiving exactly the same amount of respect as you're giving.

tintarroja | 31

#6520668 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 22:42

In what way she was disrespectful?

purelymixed | 17

#6520802 - Wednesday 27 January 2016 1:24

Exactly my point dumb bitch

By NickD6 | 14

#6520456 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:46

She not gone make your hotline bling

By LPac5295 | 27

#6520462 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:48

What's the difference in age OP? Or do you have a baby face?

By dramaelf | 37

#6520472 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:52

Well that's a bit condescending.

By 914smv | 18

#6520473 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:52

aww Hope she comes to her senses at atleast apologizes.

By guttedbrit | 26

#6520482 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 19:00

I'm supposing that there and then you set the record straight, and said 'nah, I'm asking you out!'. I hope there's a follow up OP, wanna see how it went! :)

By couchcat | 25

#6520488 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 19:07

How old are you?