Today, after weeks of eating in the same restaurant, I finally...

By CaptMacLeod - 26/1/2016 09:18 - United States - Lancaster

Today, after weeks of eating in the same restaurant, I finally worked up the nerve to ask the super-cute cashier for her phone number. "Aw, how cute. Do you have an older brother?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

22557

You deserved it

2096

Favorite

Love

Fear factor

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Rich people problems

By moosemay - 6/2/2016 11:42 - Germany - W?rzburg

Today, I heard a noise in my garage so I grabbed a baseball bat and went to look. The skunk I stirred was actually better armed than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20115

You deserved it

2043

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/1/2010 22:08 - Canada

Today, I was lying on the couch after having surgery on my stomach. My best friend and my mom thought that laughter would be the best medicine. Due to their medicine, I ripped out half my stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33786

You deserved it

2560

Favorite

By mmv - 18/9/2009 00:02 - United States

Today, I took my car into the shop to get a minor problem fixed. I left several hours later, without my car. Why? The mechanic crashed it while out on a test drive to make sure he'd fixed the problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40866

You deserved it

2127

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/10/2010 16:55 - United States

Today, I started my first day of work. I was told to absorb everything going on and to get used to the high-paced flow of things. I've been sitting at my desk for two hours now, and the office has been empty since I've walked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27134

You deserved it

2964

Favorite

By 9inchsofty - 20/9/2018 14:00

Today, I took my truck through an automatic car wash. During the wash, the bristles on one of the automatic scrubbers ripped my metal antenna off of my car. The antenna was stuck spinning around in the scrubber, smacking and scratching the entire side of my car, top to bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2910

You deserved it

903

Favorite

By loving wife - 21/4/2013 10:20 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had to convince my husband that I'm not having an affair all because I refused to have sex with him. Apparently the fact that I gave birth to our twins 10 days ago isn't a good enough reason to turn him down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

84073

You deserved it

7577

Favorite

By Anonymous - 31/10/2012 03:02 - United States - El Cajon

Today, before leaving my house, I OCD-checked all of my doors 16 times to make sure that they were locked. When I got home, my house had been broken into. Turns out I accidentally unlocked my front door when trying to lock it for the last time. This is why I have OCD. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25783

You deserved it

10512

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/8/2014 23:04 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was woken up by my wife softly kissing me on the lips. Half asleep, I kissed her back, before quickly opening my eyes and realising it wasn't my wife; it was my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40473

You deserved it

7474

Favorite

By perfectmoment - 10/10/2009 22:22 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called me and told me he wanted me to stay the night. I decided to wear my sexiest outfit for him so I put on my kinky nurse outfit and drove over to his house. I let myself in his front door, to which I found 40 of my closest friends staring at me for my surprise birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39024

You deserved it

21189

Favorite

By fuckendog - 25/7/2014 06:05 - Australia - Virginia

Today, I was cooking bacon while my dog watched me, drooling. I thought this was funny and I teased her a bit. I then slipped in the drool as I was carrying the bacon and she got to enjoy it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21201

You deserved it

55523

Favorite

By cantgetup - 3/4/2011 04:10 - Canada

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55323

You deserved it

6388

Favorite

By starboi - 20/12/2016 19:19 - United States - Weaver

Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from Star Trek, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

8404

You deserved it

1281

Favorite

By Unfortunate - 8/10/2012 00:24 - United States - Bellevue

Today, I realized that my life would make an excellent meme: Nerd girl goes to college, finally loses virginity; gets chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42910

You deserved it

13900

Favorite

By emperor - 21/7/2009 05:38 - Bangladesh

Today, I woke up screaming. Why? Well, I was complaining to my dad yesterday about how I always hit the snooze button and just roll over when my alarm goes off, and how that results in me being late for morning classes. My dad thought he'd help out by placing a mousetrap on the snooze button. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48380

You deserved it

30538

Favorite

By Erika - 5/5/2019 14:00

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend on campus. Upset, I decided to go to McDonald's to eat my painful memories away. While in the drive-thru line, I realized my ex was right in front of me. It looked like I'd followed him all the way from campus. He thinks I'm a stalker now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1822

You deserved it

320

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/10/2015 16:41 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I woke up to my dog laying on the pillow next to me. When he saw that I was awake, he wagged his tail happily and then promptly sneezed in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23426

You deserved it

3205

Favorite

By secretdeo - 24/8/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, I was at the store buying some feminine products. At the cash register, the clerk said to me "Dude, you know those are for girls right?" I am a 30 year old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50339

You deserved it

5325

Favorite

By Puick - 26/12/2013 23:50 - France - Sonchamp

Today, I went to a party organised by my ex. I was the last to sit down, after looking at the nametags on all 50+ chairs. That's how I realised the chair labelled "Fuckface" was mine; the one located between her parents' seats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42495

You deserved it

9736

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/4/2018 15:00

Today, my girlfriend did the whole "break up with your boyfriend and kick him out of the house" thing from the movies. Except it's my house. She kept my stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4189

You deserved it

594

Favorite

By CompleteWithPictures - 14/7/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I was having dinner with some friends at an Applebees. I couldn't decide on what I wanted, and after about 10 minutes of me flipping through the menu, our waiter brings over the braille menu complete with gigantic pictures of all the dishes and says "Here, I thought this might help." FML

I agree, your life sucks

15105

You deserved it

46492

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/7/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year told me he is at the point in his life where he is ready to start a family, get married and have a baby. He also casually stated that he wished he could meet someone he could see himself settling down with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51098

You deserved it

4230

Favorite

By Kilamo - 4/7/2019 16:00

Today, I paid $2300 to a mechanic for fixing my car. It's also the day I got into an accident and totalled said car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1533

You deserved it

147

Favorite

By robthebuilder - 26/10/2010 06:35 - Canada

Today, while at work, I was asked to see my boss. I was informed that the company would be laying off 20 people, and that I was one of them. I was told I could finish off the week, then was sent back to work. Twenty minutes later, my boss walked around and handed us all Christmas party invitations. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27678

You deserved it

2451

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/3/2020 05:00

Slicey machine go thwack

Today, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I have no way to pay my bills and very few places are hiring just now. My boss tried to make me feel better by saying her husband was just laid off and they'll struggle as well. She has a £120k salary and just got a £30k bonus. Apparently, "we're in the same boat." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1982

You deserved it

123

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 14:45 - Brunei Darussalam

Today, my crush walked me home. As my mom opens the door, she tells me in Russian how ugly he is, and that I have extremely bad taste. Out of all the languages in the world, he happens to be fluent in Russian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47685

You deserved it

3935

Favorite

By Anonymous - 11/3/2016 19:44 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss - whose intelligence level hovers a hair above "Herpity derpity derp" - got up my ass and accused me of lying to him. All because I said that just because I'm a network admin, I can't make his 7 year old piece of crap Blackberry magically be able to use 4G networks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18396

You deserved it

1348

Favorite

By Username - 18/2/2011 05:19

Today, I came home to a lease violation and a $220 fine after a routine pest control visit. The violation: my single beta fish in a small bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29346

You deserved it

4920

Favorite

By 1234 - 11/7/2009 16:41 - Canada

Today, it was my wedding day. I had my butt clenched during the ceremony. I was giving my husband the ring, but dropped it. When I went to retrieve it, I let a huge one ripe. My husband yelled "she likes to eat beans." FML

I agree, your life sucks

61272

You deserved it

10330

Favorite

By birdhater - 15/10/2009 06:16 - Australia

Today, the bird that has been stuck in my roof for two days, keeping me awake at night, finally flew out of the roof and into the house. As I was opening the door to send it outside, it flew straight back up into the roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25758

You deserved it

2651

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, completely nude, I had to collect my clothes around the boy’s apartment I have been sleeping with for awhile. While his girlfriend watched to make sure I “got the fuck out.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

42159

You deserved it

180470

Favorite

By danielle - 23/4/2009 07:16 - United States

Today, my friend and I wanted to get some alcohol (we're under 21). We went to a liquor store and asked a random guy to go in and buy us some vodka. After giving him $20, he said he had to go turn off his car, then he'd get us the drinks. He got in his car and drove off, with my $20. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23136

You deserved it

259035

Favorite

By sally - 25/1/2014 17:42 - United States - Augusta

Today, after 3 months of no orgasms, I was in the shower, working to rectify that. As I was seconds away from coming, my dad loudly knocked on the door and demanded to know how much longer I was going to take. Probably another 3 months now, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56537

You deserved it

9410

Favorite

By john - 28/1/2009 23:02 - United States

Today, the girl who I have had a crush on for 2 years snuck up from behind me and gave me a hug. I farted very loud at the same exact time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37719

You deserved it

5113

Favorite

By diplomaless - 14/9/2009 18:58 - United States

Today, I found out the high school I have been doing at home for the past 3 years isn't accredited and doesn't count for anything. I'm 18 and starting high school as a freshman next year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61325

You deserved it

19560

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/12/2015 10:19 - United States - Chesterfield

Today, after quitting my job to take a very attractive position with a competitor, I was told the position was no longer being offered. I'm now on my way to file for unemployment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22449

You deserved it

4239

Favorite

By TheNewCashierInTown - 23/5/2016 19:30 - Canada - Gatineau

Today, it was my second day working as a cashier in a drug store. I thought everything went great, but by the end of my shift, my cash register was $10 short. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad if on my first day it hadn't been $30 short. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10760

You deserved it

3062

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/5/2009 14:55 - United States

Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn't assume he was cheating until he saw me and said "I won't tell if you don't tell, please don't tell your mother". FML

I agree, your life sucks

86507

You deserved it

5480

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/11/2019 16:30

Impossible relationship

Today, I had another dinner with the girl that I started dating a few weeks ago. During dinner, we talked about our families. We realized that we're actually cousins. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1744

You deserved it

186

Favorite

By BERNDTOAST - 27/3/2015 15:27 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I fell asleep in class... And woke up hour later. My teacher let me sit there till I woke up to see what my face would be like waking up to a new class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28252

You deserved it

17767

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/10/2009 02:15 - United States

Today, I decided to take a personal day from class and e-mailed all of my profs saying I had flu symptoms. While standing in line at Starbucks later, someone behind me says "Glad you're feeling better. Hope you can attend class tomorrow, we'll discuss lying." It was my Ethics professor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8826

You deserved it

59312

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Scotth901 | 22

#6520446 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:42

"Babe, I am the older brother. Want me to prove it back at my place?"

By LPac5295 | 27

#6520462 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:48

What's the difference in age OP? Or do you have a baby face?

Comments

By Scotth901 | 22

#6520446 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:42

"Babe, I am the older brother. Want me to prove it back at my place?"

krazy789 | 28

#6520463 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:48

best way to get rejected

EvilTurtle | 35

#6520501 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 19:19

One of us is going to have to change profile pictures

hellnosucka | 27

#6520516 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 19:34

Maybe evilturtle should actually use an evil turtle as a profile pic. You're being unnecessarily problematic you know?

EvilTurtle | 35

#6520610 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 20:59

You're right, I'll change it right now!

bronxiecat777 | 14

#6520645 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 21:59

As a girl I would run.

Scotth901 | 22

#6635889 - Saturday 25 June 2016 6:59

I did

By saifnaqvi11 | 21

#6520447 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:42

Wow that sucks, I know the feels man. Being rejected hurts but fuck her go find someone worth you.

stangbang92 | 17

#6520676 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 22:47

Why are you telling him to butt fuck her. He got rejected.

NotCharlieRost | 15

#6521250 - Wednesday 27 January 2016 14:03

Oh.. *sigh*

By WCARlover | 34

#6520451 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:44

Well is she quite a bit older than you? If not it does kind of suck but hey, at least you were called cute instead of ugly while you were rejected.

By purelymixed | 17

#6520455 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:46

Bitches can be disrespectful as fuck sometimes

MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#6520558 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 20:20

Judging by your comment, you're receiving exactly the same amount of respect as you're giving.

tintarroja | 31

#6520668 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 22:42

In what way she was disrespectful?

purelymixed | 17

#6520802 - Wednesday 27 January 2016 1:24

Exactly my point dumb bitch

By NickD6 | 14

#6520456 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:46

She not gone make your hotline bling

By LPac5295 | 27

#6520462 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:48

What's the difference in age OP? Or do you have a baby face?

By dramaelf | 37

#6520472 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:52

Well that's a bit condescending.

By 914smv | 18

#6520473 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 18:52

aww Hope she comes to her senses at atleast apologizes.

By guttedbrit | 26

#6520482 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 19:00

I'm supposing that there and then you set the record straight, and said 'nah, I'm asking you out!'. I hope there's a follow up OP, wanna see how it went! :)

By couchcat | 25

#6520488 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 19:07

How old are you?