Intimacy: Today, I was fooling around with someone I had met at a club,...

By cherry - 10/04/2009 09:43 - Australia

Today, I was fooling around with someone I had met at a club, in my room. It got really heated, and I was really getting into this guy, until he lifts up my leg and asks "Can I lick your leg?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 649

You deserved it 23 835

Intimacy

Good kid

Goddammit, Facebook!

Get some rest

What a tool

By Anonymous - 02/07/2020 17:01

Today, my husband told me he didn't want me to get power tools to build things, because he thinks a miter saw and a sanding orbiter are more dangerous than guns. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1 252

You deserved it 145

By kittyd - 28/01/2011 05:24 - United States

Today, I came home to find a note on my door. I thought it was from my elderly disabled neighbors thanking me for cleaning off their snow covered car, since about 6 inches came down. It was from them, only it said I owed them for damages to their car. Damages that were already there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 542

You deserved it 3 572

By Iron11 - 14/06/2016 20:52

Today, I had a date with a girl I've liked for a while. We went out to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner. I was obviously going to pay, but when the bill came I realized I'd forgotten my wallet. When I told her, she thought I was a cheap liar and now she won't answer my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 687

You deserved it 4 359

The internet hates you

By Anonymous - 28/07/2021 11:01

Today, I had to cancel my vacation in Norway, which I had been planning for 2 months and had cried and stressed over all that time because this was the first vacation I'd ever planned myself. Now YouTube won't stop showing me ads about visiting Norway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 131

By Anonymous - 16/02/2015 03:25 - Australia

Today, I threw up on a police officer who was trying to do a random breath test. I wasn't drunk or hungover. I'm pregnant and suffering morning sickness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 302

You deserved it 2 521

By iamsolid - 20/10/2012 15:10 - United States

Today, my sister-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer. My mother then confided in me that she suspected it was a prank to get more money from our family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 864

You deserved it 1 726

By Anonymous - 19/02/2013 08:35

Today, while I was in the shower, my boyfriend decided to join me. We were really getting into it and he attempted to lift me up. Not only did I let out a massive fart, he slipped and fell on top of me. He won't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 628

You deserved it 10 316

By Anonymous - 05/12/2018 03:30 - United States - Pleasant Hill

Today my wife came home and said "Before you go into the garage, let me tell you what happened". She was stopped at a traffic light and when it turned green she stepped on the gas, but the truck in front of her did not. The grill was smashed and the car has a 3 inch hole in the bumper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 388

You deserved it 225

By Anonymous - 02/01/2014 20:36 - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

Today, I ate some amazing homemade brownies that my best friend's wife made for us. She waited till I'd shoved a third one into my mouth before she mentioned she made them with breast milk. Knowing her, I don't even doubt it was true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 203

You deserved it 5 047

By smith - 28/01/2012 03:13 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife made a joke about the size of my package, so figuring all's fair in love and war, I bought some laxatives to prank her with. They took a lot longer to work than I thought, and I ended up lying in bed, listening to my wife shitting her guts out in the bathroom for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 382

You deserved it 57 720

By AreYouSerious - 16/09/2018 22:00

Today, after working 85 hours in a single week, I finally got my paycheck. $500. Apparently I got a pay cut without anyone telling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 062

You deserved it 149

By AnnieThrax - 18/09/2012 04:35 - United States - Holdingford

Today, I received the heels I'll be wearing at my best friend's wedding. The bride ordered them for us to match the dresses. They're six-inch platform heels. I have three broken toes and am still wearing a boot. The wedding is next weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 294

You deserved it 2 071

By Ngbaheir - 20/06/2015 02:36 - United Kingdom

Today, after weeks of my crazy girlfriend avoiding me because she knew I wanted to break up with her, I had no option but to do it by text. She told all my friends, who now think I'm a coward who isn't man enough to break up in person. They didn't even ask for my side of the story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 362

You deserved it 5 041

By nicknack22 - 01/02/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All she said after was "I drooled a little". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 626

You deserved it 5 894

By pinkpurplegurl - 24/09/2015 14:33 - China

Today, while taking the subway home, a woman offered me her seat. I smiled and declined. She said she insisted because of my "pregnancy". I was too ashamed to say I'm not pregnant that I just took the seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 027

You deserved it 4 006

By backtosquareone - 04/10/2009 09:42 - Canada

Today, after weeks of therapy for severe depression, my therapist thought it would be helpful to confess my deepest problems to my friends, to prove that it was alright to trust people. I did. They laughed. Hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 457

You deserved it 3 991

By shubididubbitty - 20/02/2016 18:06 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, on my way to the dentist, I got rear ended by my own dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 257

You deserved it 1 365

By dadsadipshit - 15/02/2013 23:00 - United States

Today, my dad lost his mind over the meteorite incident in Russia. He's convinced that it's part of some big government conspiracy to cover up a UFO crash-landing, and now he won't stop dismissively calling us "sheep" and telling us "do the research" just because we don't agree with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 320

You deserved it 3 183

By Anonymous - 13/05/2013 12:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the regional manager of my company came out to do some performance reviews. I was so nervous that my palms were sweaty, and when he reached out to shake my hand, I blurted out, "I'm sorry, you made me wet." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 015

You deserved it 9 810

By Anonymous - 12/04/2015 20:57 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I caught my teenage daughter doing her laundry for the first time ever. She had piles of black and white, but then she threw them together in the washing machine. I told her blacks and whites were supposed to be separate, but she just said, "End the segregation, mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 817

You deserved it 6 119

Boozehounds

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 17:01

Today, my fiancé refused to talk to me because I'm "an alcoholic". I only started drinking like this after we moved in together and he brought me alcohol every day, because he's an alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 656

You deserved it 308

By emisara93 - 23/12/2017 19:00

Today, I chipped my tooth by biting down on my toothbrush. I don't know what hurts more: the irony or the fact I have no dental insurance until January. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 622

You deserved it 431

By nato - 27/11/2012 13:16 - United States

Today, my boss called me Dave. Now everyone actually thinks my name is Dave. It's Nathan. I've been working there for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 203

You deserved it 2 326

Tunnel vision

By IHaveThePower - 26/10/2021 23:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, after years of being an avid knitter and typing for a living, I got carpal tunnel syndrome… from my wrists flopping around too much while I'm driving. I live half an hour away from the nearest city. FML

I agree, your life sucks 732

You deserved it 90

By Anonymous - 01/11/2012 05:08 - United States - Surprise

Today, I had surgery on my arm. My mom has recently had the same surgery and my dad is having his first rib removed and won't be able to move his arm. My family combined now has three functioning arms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 700

You deserved it 1 888

You tried

By briiiiiiii123 - 12/01/2015 07:56 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my boyfriend and I had 'car sex'. It sucked and resulted in him masturbating into a McDonald's bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 349

You deserved it 7 702

By Goodyear - 20/01/2014 03:59 - United States - Glendale

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. After a while, he started staring at my lady parts, and said my "vag looks like a mockingjay". He then stretched the lips apart like wings and made little "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 480

You deserved it 10 007

Mystery person

By How - 18/04/2018 01:30

Today, I received a letter from my apartment complex saying I have an unauthorized tenant living with me. I must provide proof they don't live with me in the next 72 hours or I get kicked out. Nobody lives with me, and I don't know how to prove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 726

You deserved it 199

By Cooper491 - 15/09/2011 21:22 - Australia

Today, I was at a bar with my friend, when I noticed a young lad at a table near to us. I thought it'd be funny to jeer and flick peanuts at him. I went to the restroom, only to come back to my friend face-down on the floor. Turns out the guy fucked him up instead, and now he won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 219

You deserved it 60 713

By anon - 16/01/2016 23:15 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I slept with my deputy manager. He slept with my insane jealous housemate months ago. I need to find a new job and a new flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 725

You deserved it 21 062

By evenpoorer - 16/03/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, I was excited to start my new job. It was only when I was leaving after a long 8 hour day did I realize all of the personal documents I had I brought in for paperwork had been stolen. I am now down a passport, social security card, and wallet. Great first day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 918

You deserved it 3 552

Carpe Diem

By Dumped - 02/12/2021 10:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out why my now ex-boyfriend abruptly dumped me out of nowhere. Turns out his friend separated from her husband, and apparently, “the opportunity is too good to pass up.” We’ve been together for 5 years, and have a kid together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 727

You deserved it 74

By climber - 21/04/2017 20:00

Today, after climbing 8 flight of stairs due to electricity outage, I got to work only to find the office locked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 207

You deserved it 356

By LaurahLunatic - 05/09/2009 06:31 - United States

Today, I realized that my cat has been laid more times than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 065

You deserved it 6 009

By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 17:36 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I went to break up with my psychotic bitch of a girlfriend after months of abuse. When she opened the door, her 5-year-old son ran up to me, smiling and calling me "DADDY!" for the first time. Now I don't have the heart to dump the psycho and devastate her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 881

You deserved it 6 095

By Zippermania9 - 11/08/2010 00:14 - United States

Today, I found out that if you fall asleep in church, people will think you're having a spiritual moment, and you'll wake up to ten people praying for you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 590

You deserved it 13 627

What are you not getting?

By fuck no! - 19/04/2020 23:00

Today, trying to be a little fun and flirty, I asked my husband if he wanted to play strip poker. He replied, "Nah. Not much fun with just two people." Not sure if he’s suggesting swinging or if he's really just that dense to what I wanted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 570

You deserved it 228

By Robert - 01/01/2018 19:00

Today, I finally got medication to deal with my seizures. I've had them since I was 5, but my mother had always believed I was faking it. When I seized during a basketball game, she actually came onto the court and lectured the referee for "humoring" me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 895

You deserved it 307

TMI

By Anonymous - 28/07/2020 02:02

Today, my granny had the phone on loudspeaker, talking to a friend. When the conversation turned from the price of potatoes to ticks in hard-to-reach places, I fleed into the garden. First thing granny tells me once I’m back: The details of how that tick was all the way up in her friend’s husband’s crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 221

You deserved it 130

By jlujan00 - 18/11/2015 23:40 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I cleaned up the dog poop from around the back yard. This is how I discovered that my dog's favorite snack appears to be used condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 135

You deserved it 2 886

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thereitgo 1

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Friday 10 April 2009 20:05

that's not that creepy? it's not like the guy who said "Soon your belly will be plump with my seed." licking leads to oral.

disadvantage 0

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Friday 10 April 2009 20:05

What's wrong with that? Seems fairly normal.. depending on how far towards the feet he wanted to go. At that point it starts to get weird, IMO. SSC, you're a lame ass. Go get a fucking job or a girlfriend or something. Being the 1st responder on FMyLife is worth absolutely nothing in this life.

Boob_fml 6

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Friday 10 April 2009 20:03

YDI for being a ho.

Karis_fml 0

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Friday 10 April 2009 20:03

lol maybe's he's kinky?

apfunction 0

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Wednesday 24 February 2010 17:54

you have a club in your room?

exotica_fml 6

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Thursday 4 March 2010 22:00

who cares!! at least u have dudes who want to lick u

chaos753159 4

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Friday 5 March 2010 4:59

did u let him?

TerAki 0

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Friday 10 April 2009 20:04

How is that bad?

Jaywin 3

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Friday 10 April 2009 20:04

I fail to see the FML part of this. Is it because he had to ask or is it because you didn't want your leg licked? Regardless, I'm quite fond of licking/kissing the inner thigh of my girl and she enjoys it as well.