Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called...

By Anonymous - 12/1/2012 00:26 - United States

Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called my boss to tell him we were short on sausage. Under her breath I heard my girlfriend say, "sounds like somebody I know." FML

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Intimacy

Family values

Mr Sensitivity

Not gonna happen

By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 22:23 - United States

Today, my mother took a bunch of sleeping pills, then went driving. I followed her and dialed 911. Now she thinks that I was "trying to get her arrested," and she refuses to talk to me ever again. FML

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By thecarisfine - 14/3/2015 04:27 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while on a date, I desperately let out a stealth fart in my date's car. I didn't have the nerve to own up to it, even as he started panicking and thinking the smell was coming from his engine. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2012 21:13 - France

Today, I paid a social visit to my grandparents. While we were watching the news, a story came on about the Queen of England. I scoffed, "How is she not dead already? How old is she, anyway?" My grandmother replied, "About my age." Oops. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2016 01:34 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I was clipping my abnormally thick toenails. I had to apply so much pressure on the clippers that a nail flew off, hit me in the eyeball and scratched my cornea. The doctor nearly fell off his chair laughing during my eye exam after I told him what happened. FML

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By cardsftw - 16/8/2012 19:50 - United States - Compton

Today, I was so bored that I actually read the iTunes store's terms and conditions. FML

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By thornrose22 - 1/11/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. After about five minutes, he sneezes violently on me. I don't know what's worse, him getting snot all over my intimate bits or the fact that the sneeze felt better then what he was doing. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 13:20 - Spain

Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML

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By sammy - 26/3/2020 04:59 - Australia

Not now, dude!

Today, I was working at the checkout. Trying to be hygienic, I suppressed a sneeze. I continued to serve the next person. As I was giving her her change, she looked at me with a horrified expression. I looked down and my shirt was covered in a trail of snot all the way to my belt. FML

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By RawrSparkle - 21/9/2012 07:31 - United States - Davis

Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML

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By ugly5402 - 6/1/2010 21:05 - United States

Today, I was playing around on Photo Booth, using weird effects on pictures of myself. I clicked on one and thought to myself that it was a really ugly effect. Then I noticed that it was set on normal. FML

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By Dakota - 28/9/2017 04:30

Bad Day for a Good Boy

Today, on my way home from work, I went to the car wash. When the spray jets hit the car, my dog jumped out of his crate, into the front seat, and onto a button lowering both back windows. I got both an exterior and interior wash. FML

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By Darryl - 12/5/2015 12:53 - Australia - Tarragindi

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend at work. Because she was "bored and didn't feel like seeing me" she thought it would be funny to call security and claim that I was stalking her. There is now a picture of my face at her workplace, and anytime I "pester her again" the cops will show up. FML

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By bloody_hell - 15/1/2015 02:18 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I was faced with the inevitable horrible circumstances which lead me to put in a tampon on a moving city bus. FML

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By Herdad - 30/7/2009 11:34 - United States

Today, my two year old daughter did not want to leave the toy store, when I picked her up she started screaming at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY!". FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I learned to never blast classic rock with your convertible's top down while passing an SUV full of gangbanger wanna-bes. That is, of course, unless you want your immaculate, newly detailed leather seats to be decorated with pretty brown and white milkshake stains. FML

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By LockandKey - 24/2/2009 23:28 - United States

Today, everyone at school was talking about some guy that did another girl while he was going out with someone. I started to spread the rumor myself, until someone told me that that guy was my boyfriend. The other girl was my best friend. FML

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By Pontiacman92 - 29/8/2013 07:07 - United States - Pueblo

Today, I found out that the very good-looking woman who sings for one of my favorite bands is actually a guy. FML

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By elmalo68 - 20/9/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I must find a gentle way to tell my 71-year-old mother that she's too old to be wearing shirts that expose her belly. FML

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By HazzaBoo - 7/8/2012 23:45 - United States

Today, I decided to help the homeless by giving them old clothes and food. In return, they decided to mug me. FML

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By Me - 27/9/2015 09:53 - Australia

Today, I tried taking a shortcut through a nature trail, hoping to save myself some time getting back to my car. I ended up getting lost for nearly 3 hours and getting to work nearly 2 hours late. FML

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By --- - 6/7/2015 20:52 - Canada - Toronto

Today, during family therapy the therapist asked if I believe I'm a good parent/husband. When I said yes my two sons, my daughter and even my wife very passionately disagreed. FML

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By whatever mom - 23/7/2020 14:02

Everyone's an expert

Today, my mother scolded me for undressing my son and giving him Tylenol to break his fever. She insisted I wrap him in several layers to increase his body temperature in order to let him "sweat the fever out." I’m married to a pediatrician. My mom didn’t finish high school. She swears we're wrong. FML

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By Zoogangcapk - 1/1/2020 05:00

Double Impact

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. The problem is that I don't know how to tell my wife... Who is also pregnant. FML

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By Anonomous - 26/1/2015 15:48 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I got a cute girl's number for the first time. Too bad it was because she rear ended my car. FML

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By mybad - 11/9/2014 03:57 - United States

Today, at work, a midget came in to buy beer. Not only was he almost as tall as me, he got offended when I had to card him and explain that the manager told me to card everyone, and that it wasn't because he was short. FML

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By you - 30/10/2012 19:46 - United Kingdom

Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, she asked me to whisper her name. Apparently, her name is not Kate. FML

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By Wowsers. - 30/1/2010 08:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML

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By Equi - 12/12/2018 16:00 - United States

Today, I went to the company's health clinic to treat muscle spasms and a possible cracked rib. In the process the old quack doc and overly eager nurses wound up giving me a storng laxative and 3 enemas, two of them quite large. Then I still had to return to work. FML

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By fmlgrl - 30/7/2012 06:59 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to a corner store to re-stock my chocolate stash. A guy from work walked in to see me and the cashier arguing about the amount of candy I was trying to buy with a jar of pennies. He took one look at me and said, "That time of the month, eh?" FML

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By fmlfmboyfriendah - 13/2/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with my boyfriend, he grabbed my double chin and goes "gobble, gobble". FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2011 16:30 - United States

Today, while at work in the service department of a car dealership, I sat in the driver seat of an old man's car to get the mileage. He'd just pissed in the seat. FML

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By DepressedKid - 1/10/2010 11:31 - Canada

Today, I found out that no one actually likes me as a friend. They only like me to get answers for school work. How did I find out? They were talking about it in front of me. Apparently I'm also invisible to them. FML

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By girlllll - 1/6/2010 12:31 - Denmark

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents, who I haven't known very long. I ended up falling asleep. That doesn't sound so bad, until I woke my drooling self up by snoring extremely loud. FML

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By Rach - 20/2/2010 13:58 - Ireland

Today, I saw my crush standing at the bus stop. I did the "I'm talking to someone on the phone thing," trying to be cool. Halfway through the conversation my phone actually rang, I quickly answered but it was my mom on loudspeaker yelling, "Did you bring your tampons?" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2010 15:00 - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my mother that it is inappropriate to hit on my boyfriend when his parents are over for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2010 14:59 - Australia

Today, I got my posting orders for the Air Force. After spending four years training and studying to become an aerospace engineer, I am getting sent to the only base without aircraft. FML

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By soon to be unemployed - 28/1/2014 22:36 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, my boss let me know that I'm being laid off, via a text message that ended in "lmao". FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2011 13:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML

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By opposites don’t attract - 16/9/2020 11:03 - United States

Cosmopolitan's 50 Top Tips for Lonely Saddos!

Today, I was so sad and lonely, so I started browsing articles about how to get a man. Basically every list was naming the exact opposite of everything I am. So I guess if I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, I have to change everything about me. FML

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By anonymous - 20/1/2012 05:02 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my husband why putting on dirty underwear after a shower defeats the purpose. We had this discussion in the middle of me giving him head. FML

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Top comments

By Pentium_4 | 26

#3870629 - Thursday 12 January 2012 8:56

oh man....next time you smell fish, you know what to say. BUT, only cause she was mean first ;)

By StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3870630 - Thursday 12 January 2012 8:57

No meat-lovers today?

COMMENTS

By Pentium_4 | 26

#3870629 - Thursday 12 January 2012 8:56

oh man....next time you smell fish, you know what to say. BUT, only cause she was mean first ;)

gojira666 | 7

#3870684 - Thursday 12 January 2012 9:09

It may be short, but at least its skinny!

Pentium_4 | 26

#3870702 - Thursday 12 January 2012 9:11

lol. i wasn't trying to be mean. just kiddin around cause it's FML afterall

dirtroadboy | 7

#3870936 - Thursday 12 January 2012 10:19

Maybe she was referring to her boss?

Keyman1212 | 14

#3871025 - Thursday 12 January 2012 10:56

I think she was just dicking around with the penis jokes, I mean it sounds like a sausage fest at work already, who wouldn't want to cock about in a situation like that?

shanemaximo | 7

#3872556 - Thursday 12 January 2012 17:44

Confucius say, even big sausage can't fill huge mouth.

asianbeezy_ | 5

#3872783 - Thursday 12 January 2012 18:50

OP, at least she didn't tell you it was like an over cooked noodle inside a Pringles can

kirastarr808 | 3

#3873666 - Thursday 12 January 2012 21:24

Hilarious!!!

crazytiger16 | 8

#4938992 - Sunday 16 September 2012 22:59

Your Girlfriend is awesome. :)

By StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3870630 - Thursday 12 January 2012 8:57

No meat-lovers today?

DontModMeDammit | 10

#3870903 - Thursday 12 January 2012 10:11

Did anyone else think this FML was going to end differently?

nahgemoohc | 17

#3870974 - Thursday 12 January 2012 10:33

29-If it did, it wouldn't be on FML

DontModMeDammit | 10

#3870988 - Thursday 12 January 2012 10:38

On the phone with boss, girlfriend makes sexual comment, boss hears it.. Still could be on FML.

GenaALazer | 22

#3873347 - Thursday 12 January 2012 20:08

I would love your meat.

jep00 | 8

#5138378 - Sunday 11 November 2012 21:26

Me too

By FriscoKidz | 10

#3870632 - Thursday 12 January 2012 8:57

The joys of working with your significant other.

BIGBOY4rmAHM | 19

#3870678 - Thursday 12 January 2012 9:09

There is a joy in it? (sarcasm)

braxdan50 | 4

#3871849 - Thursday 12 January 2012 15:37

It's rarely ever a good thing

ImInYourFACEbook | 8

#3872692 - Thursday 12 January 2012 18:22

It is kind of cute. She will always love him no matter how much sausage he has!

By Michael_92 | 20

#3870658 - Thursday 12 January 2012 9:01

Soooo what did the boss say??

boofgall | 16

#3870854 - Thursday 12 January 2012 9:58

"okay, I'll put the order in". I'm guessing here.

kikiwi_fml | 9

#3871479 - Thursday 12 January 2012 13:46

Is that really what you got from this FML? Relevancy fail.

Michael_92 | 20

#4024833 - Sunday 12 February 2012 12:48

No I know what was meant. I was being very general and just asking....completely irrelevant to the actual FML

By heartless_fml | 6

#3870660 - Thursday 12 January 2012 9:02

call your boss back; tell him you have some roast beef you could offer up instead.

By chelseaaababyyy | 17

#3870665 - Thursday 12 January 2012 9:04

say the yeast baking in the oven reminds you of someone you know.

JhunnySuperman | 0

#3870856 - Thursday 12 January 2012 9:58

Ya then where does that get him....an ex gf/co worker....a sore face from getting slapped...and still having a small sausage (pizza) wouldn't help him be any more confident hahaha

Eddie465 | 0

#3870869 - Thursday 12 January 2012 10:02

Good one :)

helper420 | 0

#3870986 - Thursday 12 January 2012 10:38

Clever girl

tehrealone | 6

#3874834 - Friday 13 January 2012 1:42

Can someone explain

DJD3STRO | 0

#3875014 - Friday 13 January 2012 2:18

A yeast infection look it up @ google

PhilMcDonald | 6

#3875760 - Friday 13 January 2012 5:37

Lol

By K_kanaka | 26

#3870667 - Thursday 12 January 2012 9:05

There's a saying my mom once said to me it's not what you don't got that matters but how you use what you do got OP. So do you know how to use what you got?