Miscellaneous: Today, some drunk dude broke into my house while my parents were...

By wowhoopla - France

Today, some drunk dude broke into my house while my parents were out. Scared, I asked him what he wanted, his response was "cookies." FML

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wowhoopla tells us more :

well if u all must know hat happened I showed him we had Betty crocker chipsahoy and Oreo but he insistead on having them all. And all I could day was I'm going to be cookie broke so he decided to share some... and so i had cookies with some random drunk who broke into my house. can't day I've done that before...

Miscellaneous

OK sweaty, time for a bath

Basic Instinct

Kids

By Margaret

Today, I saw some random iTunes charge on my bank account so I called who I thought was iTunes customer support to figure out the $5 charge, then got scammed into buying $1,400 worth of gift cards. The man on the phone was not with iTunes and took all my money. FML

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1081

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5394

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By sparkyjaf - Australia - West Pymble

Today, all of my roommates handed in their vacating notice unexpectedly. They are all moving to a new house together in two weeks, leaving me to be either homeless or forced to pay 4 times what I was paying in rent. FML

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34811

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4158

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By - United Kingdom

Today me and my boyfriend were in an adventurous sexual position and as I started to orgasm he slipped, landed awkwardly and dislocated both my hips, while I was in the middle of an orgasm. Somehow the pleasure of the orgasm made the pain worse. I don't think I'll ever want sex again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3545

You deserved it

398

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my husband why he won't list me as his wife on Facebook. Apparently, it's because he doesn't want the high school friends he just reconnected with to know that he married "the biggest geek in the whole school." We went to the same high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43024

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3756

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By xrebeccalou - United States

Today, I went to my long-distance boyfriend's party. His best friend was talking to me and trying to make conversation, he asked, "So, are you two official?" I responded with a definite yes, but was cut off mid-word by my boyfriend, who quickly said, "No, not really." Sorry, I wasn't aware, darling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33368

You deserved it

4330

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went shopping with a friend. She picked up a hundred dollars on the floor that somebody dropped. I told her, "I feel sorry for the retard who dropped the money." When I got home, I checked my purse and realized that I was missing a hundred dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11583

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42925

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By shield1123 - United States

Today, I realized that my bike was stolen. It was no big deal, my name and number was on it, but it was a crappy bike anyway. I live 3 miles away, and while I was on my walk home I noticed a bike had been thrown through my principal's window. Who's bike was it? Mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40229

You deserved it

2335

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By Killmenow - United States

Today, I learned that my aunt, who lives with us, is using our chopsticks in her hair and putting them back in the utensil drawer without washing them. I'm the one that uses chopsticks the most. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2790

You deserved it

206

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By FlyingPain - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that I need to get a root canal, the only day I can get an appointment is on the same day I'm flying out for training for my new job. I can't get out of either, so now need to face my fear of flying and fear of dentists the same day. FML

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14747

You deserved it

1369

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By sandwhiched - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went on a road trip with my boyfriend and his best friend. What I thought was going to be a great, fun time ended up with me alone in a car with two large men who wouldn't stop farting for 14 hours. FML

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30579

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4784

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. I speak 4 languages and thought if I spoke French, the Officer would let me off with a warning thinking I was a tourist. Afterwards I turned to my wife and said "I can't believe that worked." He was a few feet away and heard. FML

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12470

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By nitwit - Greece

Today, I spent hours consoling my girlfriend for getting dumped by the guy she was cheating on me with. FML

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31266

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79196

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By squeltorey - United States - Whittier

Today, after waking up, I went into the kitchen and took a swig of milk from the carton. I overestimated my strength, and the whole thing splashed all over my face. A few moments later, my dad staggered in, looked at me in disgust, and said, "You know what? I don't even wanna know." FML

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21744

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By Stressed Mother - United States - Piscataway

Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone call. They were impressed with me. That's when my son decided to throw a tantrum asking for food. After some silence, the caller told me they were looking for someone who wasn't juggling little kids at home and hung up. My son is 20. FML

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37895

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, I lost what should've been the easiest bet ever. Now I have to let my girlfriend go at me with a strap-on or forever be known as a sore loser. FML

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18813

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Gig Harbor

Today, I had to endure my girlfriend crying and screaming at me. The reason? I'm not able to please her like the fictional character Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Grey. When she left me, she took all her stuff and left me with copies of the 3 books. FML

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46324

You deserved it

4407

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By anonymous - United States

Today, after going on a blind date with a man I had met on facebook, we decided to go back to his apartment. All was going good until he took off his pants, only to reveal that he was wearing a diaper. FML

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43613

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By 733yoda

Today, the most exciting notification I received was Amazon telling me that my bulk order of toilet paper had been shipped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1404

You deserved it

249

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By ShamefulShoop

cringe intensifies

Today, I took my mother grocery shopping. From the opposite end of the snack aisle, she yelled, "They don't have my darkies! Ya know how I like my darkies!” She was talking about dark pretzels. I don’t think the appalled black couple next to me knew that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3463

You deserved it

265

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By deee21 - Australia

Today, while resting in bed, I felt a slight tickle on my neck. Thinking it was a cockroach, I panicked and flung it across the bedroom. Turns out it was my brand new necklace, which is now broken into dozens of pieces. FML

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14810

You deserved it

35607

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By glocked and goaded - United States - Sun City

Today, at my cousin's wedding, there was a bouquet toss. I jumped to catch it, only to get knocked down and crushed by a woman twice my size who'd jumped backwards. It still feels like someone shattered my ribs with a sledgehammer. FML

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26693

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2777

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By moodyreallyrocks - United States

Today, my friend took me and a bunch of other guys out to a nice dinner. This was his way to say thank you for helping him move to a new apartment. He got the cheque, excused himself to go to the restroom and never came back to pay. FML

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33152

You deserved it

2865

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By Knottywoman

Today, I dreamt my fiancé was rolling frozen potatoes onto my bed to wake me up. In reality I woke up screaming to intense cramps in my legs which almost reduced me to tears. I could barely walk for two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3142

You deserved it

225

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By Where is the faith in Humanity - United States - Tacoma

Today, I was in my room playing with my pet. I told my snake, "Who needs friends when I have you?" Through the wall I heard my neighbors say, "You do." I've never met my neighbors. FML

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44293

You deserved it

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By MusicLover18 - Canada - Leduc

Today, I caught my little sister taking a selfie in the mirror with a fake nose piercing, peace sign, and a duck face. She's 12. FML

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43508

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4207

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By kafreen - United States - Tucson

Today, I arrived at work early. I noticed the plants on the side of my classroom could use some water so I went out to do so. On the way, I found a beer can. Not wanting the kids to see it, I picked it up but some spilled on my dress. I quickly noticed a familiar smell. No, not beer. Urine. FML

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14591

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1252

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend decided to admit to me that he and my girlfriend have been cheating behind my back for the past two months. The reason he finally admitted it? Because she is now cheating on him with another one of our friends. FML

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37437

You deserved it

2807

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By AznKoreanGuy - United States

Today, while getting off the bus, there was a lady in front of me wearing a dress and suddenly her phone dropped out of her bag. I picked up the phone for her which landed right beneath her dress and as she turned around she thought I was trying to take pictures of her panties and slapped me. FML

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50794

You deserved it

4665

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By clementine8 - United States

Today, my Mom came to pay me a short visit at college. She handed me some flowers, which were a Valentine's Day gift, because she "figured I wouldn't be getting any from anyone else this year." FML

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34438

You deserved it

2762

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

True romantic

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. During the act, he looked deep in to my eyes before whispering, "Up the arse next time?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

2019

You deserved it

330

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Gent

Today, I was verbally and physically attacked in a public pool, because I was swimming in what a grandma claimed was her part of the pool. Since I'm a very tolerant person, I calmly tried to talk some reason into the elderly lady. The lifeguard had to come to protect me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23734

You deserved it

1759

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By probablyadopted1 - United States - Houston

Today, my family savagely mocked me to the point of tears, all for using "big", "fancy" words like "accommodations" and "hospitality". FML

I agree, your life sucks

17283

You deserved it

1451

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By TallGal - United States - Tucson

Today, I had a date with a guy from the Internet. I'm 6ft1, which tends to put potential dates off, so I'd slyly knocked a few inches off my description. Turns out he'd done the same. He'd added a whole foot to his height. I had to crouch to talk to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24740

You deserved it

14225

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By rutho - United States

Today, I decided to cheat on my math test by writing a couple of equations on my hand. Totally satisfied, I handed my test in feeling like I had aced it. As I was heading toward the door, I happily waved goodbye to my teacher. She saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20870

You deserved it

208479

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By pizza girl - United States - Nettleton

Today, a lady cussed me out for not bringing her salad and pizza to her table. She then wanted her money back. I work at a buffet; a self-serve buffet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49856

You deserved it

2793

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By homealone - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, after a long day at work, I fell asleep in my living room. When I woke up, I saw a man leaving my bedroom wearing my pajamas, and I started screaming as he casually left. The cops came and apparently he's mentally ill. He truly believed it was his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9149

You deserved it

541

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By subtweetqueen - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, the 3-year-old I nanny wanted to prove to me that he was tall enough to pee standing up in front of the toilet. When he realized he actually was tall enough, he got excited and misdirected his stream, covering himself, his brother, and me in urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13417

You deserved it

1208

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Don't worry dad

Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3132

You deserved it

458

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By MrZhang - Australia

Today, I had an interview with IBM. For a week I did extensive research and preparation for the interview. At first the interview was going really well. I was hitting all the marks. Then just as a final casual question she asked with a smile "What does IBM stand for?". I didn't know. FML

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39346

You deserved it

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By - United States - Floral Park

Today, I realized the only real accomplishment I've had in my life that I take any pride in is that I've had an FML published. FML

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2314

That could've happened to me

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Top comments

By TheMichaelIsFres | 0

#767691 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:18

that wasn't a drunk man I was cookie monster in disguise

By theman34 | 0

#767696 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:20

give the man his cookies

COMMENTS

By AxCxDxDx | 0

#767681 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:16

Of course!

abcnonamecba | 0

#899853 - Sunday 28 February 2010 8:38

wat else would he want jewelry? not likely lol

kieran247 | 0

#934242 - Thursday 11 March 2010 2:11

he is my hero

caelun | 0

#953696 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 14:16

LMAO

DarkPrince_fml | 0

#979257 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 4:01

cookie monster strikes again

iluvcucumbers | 0

#986684 - Friday 30 April 2010 5:36

I WANT COKKIES TOOOOOOO

ACanadaGuy | 0

#1453724 - Friday 24 September 2010 23:34

Could of been worse. He couldve wanted to rape you.Or even worse, want cupcakes

P374RD3D | 9

#3502746 - Friday 28 October 2011 7:37

nomnom

shaagy2760 | 13

#5284058 - Thursday 27 December 2012 5:53

But I like the cookies

By MDNL | 0

#767688 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:18

first. WTF?!

Americunt | 0

#767972 - Monday 11 January 2010 13:14

You're dumb. Go back to pre-school.

zach5432 | 3

#1278807 - Saturday 21 August 2010 6:10

they're was no post there wen he posted it. making him think he was first, dummy

breenarae25 | 0

#1391506 - Sunday 12 September 2010 7:09

WTF can u count? ur #2 lol doodoo n FYI nobody cares if ur first or last

By TheMichaelIsFres | 0

#767691 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:18

that wasn't a drunk man I was cookie monster in disguise

sevlen | 0

#816755 - Monday 1 February 2010 23:23

gasp your right!!!

camogirl | 0

#3704663 - Friday 9 December 2011 3:09

I fricken love this comment

By leandra12 | 0

#767693 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:19

Hahaha :D

Fab0luZ | 0

#955603 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 0:39

you Better Have Given Him Chocolate Chip.!! >:(

By jisaac09 | 25

#767694 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:19

Did you give him any???

By theman34 | 0

#767696 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:20

give the man his cookies

By kbaker90 | 0

#767709 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:24

That's hilarious. I would have given him a cookie.

DanielleTheOne | 3

#767894 - Monday 11 January 2010 12:24

i woulda pissed myself lol

realggirl | 0

#769607 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 4:31

I would have called the cops. After freaking out.

Honda288 | 2

#4070995 - Wednesday 22 February 2012 5:21

What if he wanted more than one cookie!?

By beanerkid | 0

#767713 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:25

Did you give him any?
Lol.
Better that then something else

By theman34 | 0

#767715 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:27

give him more beer

By TheMichaelIsFres | 0

#767716 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:27

that wasn't a drunk man it was cookie monster!!!!

*cringe intensifies*

True romantic

Don't worry dad

cringe intensifies