Miscellaneous: Today, some drunk dude broke into my house while my parents were...

By wowhoopla - France

Today, some drunk dude broke into my house while my parents were out. Scared, I asked him what he wanted, his response was "cookies." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39027

You deserved it

3674

Favorite

wowhoopla tells us more :

well if u all must know hat happened I showed him we had Betty crocker chipsahoy and Oreo but he insistead on having them all. And all I could day was I'm going to be cookie broke so he decided to share some... and so i had cookies with some random drunk who broke into my house. can't day I've done that before...

Miscellaneous

There's no helping some people

At will

Damn squares!

By shikushiku - United States - Plano

Today, my father went missing. Naturally worried, we searched his workplace, hospitals, and other locations. Ends up he got arrested for driving around town drunk out of his mind. Oh, and it's my birthday. Thanks for throwing me a great (search) party, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14265

You deserved it

955

Favorite

By Muffinhater - United States

Today, I awoke at 5am to the smell of smoke and the sound of sirens. It seems the whole Santa Monica Fire Department had made it outside our apartment complex. We had to wake up every single person on our floor. What for? An old lady burned a muffin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28246

You deserved it

2420

Favorite

By sly - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to come over and surprise me. When he got to my apartment and heard the shower running, he decided get in and join me. I was walking my dog, my mother is in town for the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46991

You deserved it

4436

Favorite

By awkwardballer

Today, while playing basketball with my new coworkers, I managed to get the ball stuck between the hoop and backboard. In trying to free it, I also got a traffic cone stuck and ended up having to drag a large ladder across the court while everyone watched. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9807

You deserved it

1573

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home from a two-week overseas business trip. My wife was at work, but she came home for lunch. When she came in, she brushed right past me to hug and talk to her dog. When I mentioned it, she said, "But I haven't seen him all day!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

65467

You deserved it

4273

Favorite

By HatedGrandson - United States

Today, I visited my grandparents' house. While getting a drink from the fridge, I noticed the Christmas card my family sent them had my face scratched out. When I confronted them about it, they said it was the cat. They don't have a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27550

You deserved it

2145

Favorite

By management - United States

Today, I was beating the hell out of one of the most useless employees ever. I mean really laying into him, all while telling him for the umpteenth time how to do his job right. Then my husband informed me I was hitting him in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39037

You deserved it

7329

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to make up a story about my "friends" at school so my mom doesn't keep telling I'm a loser. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34565

You deserved it

6792

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57574

You deserved it

6216

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my husband only dated me because I look like what he thought the daughter he had with his first wife might look like when she's grown up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2195

You deserved it

145

Favorite

By Two wrecks one car - United States - New Braunfels

Today, a woman pulled out in front me and I couldn't avoid hitting her. When we pulled off on the side of the road to inspect the damage, she backed into me. My car is only a month old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3022

You deserved it

140

Favorite

By desertpunk75 - United States

Today, my friends thought it'd be funny to hold lighters under the smoke alarms while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25761

You deserved it

3155

Favorite

By LadyJ - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I had to tell a parent about her son kicking a boy in his class. She blamed me for not watching him. I wasn't watching him because I was turned around to care for another boy he had hit right before that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30556

You deserved it

2114

Favorite

By CaptainStars - 29/6/2020 20:01

Bureaucracy

Today, I ran out of my antidepressants, and I cannot get more because my local hospital is closed, and I can't register online because the only way it will let me sign up is over the phone, due to me living in a rural area. I'm mute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1687

You deserved it

105

Favorite

By BurnedDown - United Kingdom - Bridlington

Today, I wanted to spice things up in the bedroom with my husband, so I set up some Halloween torches to create a wild ambiance. Unfortunately our dickhead neighbours saw the glow, didn't remember that fire tends to give off smoke, and called the fire department on us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39345

You deserved it

7727

Favorite

By Renzy

Today, my son got suspended from school. He's in kindergarten. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32303

You deserved it

7548

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 08:01

Sliced and diced

Today, our sons, who we thought were asleep, came barging into our room in the middle of the first blowjob my wife has given me in weeks. She was so shocked, she bit down and pulled away at the same time, tearing the big vein on the top of my cock. I had to go to hospital for blood loss and stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1961

You deserved it

189

Favorite

By barfyshirt - United States

Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend's house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up. it got on my shirt so I asked if I could borrow one of his. He said I could wear one of his dad's shirts because he didn't want his to get too stretched out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37681

You deserved it

7151

Favorite

By bad son - United States - Baldwin Park

Today, it's my mother's birthday. She received the ultimate gift from my brother, who told her he had just been accepted into medical school. I bought her scratch-offs. She won a dollar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11104

You deserved it

29582

Favorite

By piece of shed - United States

Today, I walked into my shed to find my daughter's boyfriend asleep and completely duct-taped to the ceiling, with his face painted like a clown. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37129

You deserved it

3467

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that I'm immune to laughing gas and partially immune to novocaine while I was getting two teeth pulled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55673

You deserved it

2920

Favorite

By Brotherssuckkk - France

Today, my mom asked me to clean beneath my brother's bed for money. I found a rotten apple, a picture of my best friend, and a dead bird. I got $10. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33080

You deserved it

4786

Favorite

By thesadone - United States

Today, I realized that the best and most entertaining part of my 3 day mini vacation was realizing my nipples work on the touch screen of my iPhone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32869

You deserved it

10716

Favorite

By jj4320 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for distracted driving. Not for cell phone use but for nose picking and inspecting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11639

You deserved it

40885

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30412

You deserved it

2605

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, my sister got promoted to manager at the store we both work at. Since company policy states that siblings can't work at the same store if one of them is a manager, I was let go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26364

You deserved it

1817

Favorite

By jigglepuff - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I heard my sister talking to my mom about me, saying that I have the ability to suck the life out of a room like a Dementor. I walked in and asked what she meant by that. My mom replied, "She means you're an asshole." I love you too, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38633

You deserved it

6720

Favorite

By alrightsheryl - United States

Today, is my 18th birthday. I call my parents and they tell me they found weed in the guest house and so they called my boarding school to drug test me. It wasn't my weed. They didn't even say "Happy Birthday." FML

I agree, your life sucks

70466

You deserved it

4881

Favorite

By JB - United States

Today, it was my first day as a vacuum salesman. While I was demonstrating how well it removed stains, I managed to smear stuff over the area I was cleaning. So not only was I unsuccessful in removing the original stains, I left them with worse carpet than when I got there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10982

You deserved it

28592

Favorite

By sadgirl - United States

Today, I was doing a striptease for this guy over my webcam. I was shaking my ass while taking off my panties, but when they fell to my feet, I tripped over them and fell on my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10859

You deserved it

56078

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to fix my laptop charger by fiddling around with it using metal tweezers. Not only did I forget to unplug the cord and shocked myself, I also ended up breaking the charger completely. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6872

You deserved it

50861

Favorite

By purple - United States - Katy

Today, my girlfriend decided to pleasure me with a handjob. It was incredibly painful because she didn't understand that my foreskin isn't as flexible as she thought it to be. I didn't have the heart to tell her to stop until she asked, "Is it supposed to turn this color?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

32949

You deserved it

12223

Favorite

By Experience - United States - Waynesfield

Today, my dad opened a Chinese fortune cookie that read, "Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." Now he won't stop calling me Experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40917

You deserved it

3565

Favorite

By help me - United States - West Hartford

Today, I walked in on my 15 year old daughter and her boyfriend. They were standing in my bathroom, both naked from the waist down. Supposedly, he was trying to "teach her how to pee standing up." FML

I agree, your life sucks

68690

You deserved it

9899

Favorite

By Devil - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at the gas station, the automatic door didn't open when I approached it. I asked the cashier to open it for me, joking that because I'm a redhead, I didn't have a soul and it wouldn't open for me. The cashier freaked and wouldn't let me go until I proved I had a soul. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30441

You deserved it

5735

Favorite

By Anonymous - Estonia

Today, I stole a bite of my boyfriend's hamburger. He threw a fit, saying I took too big a bite and I had to replace it with a new, more expensive one. Afterwards, he said how lucky I was he didn't break up with me then and there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39441

You deserved it

10386

Favorite

By itwaswarm - United States - Stony Brook

Today, I was peeing at a urinal, when the man next to me finished up and shook his penis. I got splashed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26432

You deserved it

1738

Favorite

By RWW - United States

Today, at work, I was talking to a customer. She kept shaking her head "no" at everything I said. I asked what she was disagreeing with. She told me she has Parkinson's Disease, teared up, and asked to speak to my manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38502

You deserved it

7470

Favorite

By pinkrazorsare4men

Today, whilst taking a shower, I noticed my razor wasn't in its usual spot. Upon inspecting it closer, I noticed that there were tiny white hairs in it. When confronting my father about it, he claimed the "pink razors" are his. We've been sharing the same razor this entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9785

You deserved it

858

Favorite

By to_complicated_4_u - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got screamed at to the point of tears by a Starbucks employee for "giving an obviously fake name" to confuse one of the employees. I told her my real name. My name is Ian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35062

You deserved it

2740

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By TheMichaelIsFres | 0

#767691 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:18

that wasn't a drunk man I was cookie monster in disguise

By theman34 | 0

#767696 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:20

give the man his cookies

COMMENTS

By AxCxDxDx | 0

#767681 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:16

Of course!

abcnonamecba | 0

#899853 - Sunday 28 February 2010 8:38

wat else would he want jewelry? not likely lol

kieran247 | 0

#934242 - Thursday 11 March 2010 2:11

he is my hero

caelun | 0

#953696 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 14:16

LMAO

DarkPrince_fml | 0

#979257 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 4:01

cookie monster strikes again

iluvcucumbers | 0

#986684 - Friday 30 April 2010 5:36

I WANT COKKIES TOOOOOOO

ACanadaGuy | 0

#1453724 - Friday 24 September 2010 23:34

Could of been worse. He couldve wanted to rape you.Or even worse, want cupcakes

P374RD3D | 9

#3502746 - Friday 28 October 2011 7:37

nomnom

shaagy2760 | 13

#5284058 - Thursday 27 December 2012 5:53

But I like the cookies

By MDNL | 0

#767688 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:18

first. WTF?!

Americunt | 0

#767972 - Monday 11 January 2010 13:14

You're dumb. Go back to pre-school.

zach5432 | 3

#1278807 - Saturday 21 August 2010 6:10

they're was no post there wen he posted it. making him think he was first, dummy

breenarae25 | 0

#1391506 - Sunday 12 September 2010 7:09

WTF can u count? ur #2 lol doodoo n FYI nobody cares if ur first or last

By TheMichaelIsFres | 0

#767691 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:18

that wasn't a drunk man I was cookie monster in disguise

sevlen | 0

#816755 - Monday 1 February 2010 23:23

gasp your right!!!

camogirl | 0

#3704663 - Friday 9 December 2011 3:09

I fricken love this comment

By leandra12 | 0

#767693 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:19

Hahaha :D

Fab0luZ | 0

#955603 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 0:39

you Better Have Given Him Chocolate Chip.!! >:(

By jisaac09 | 25

#767694 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:19

Did you give him any???

By theman34 | 0

#767696 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:20

give the man his cookies

By kbaker90 | 0

#767709 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:24

That's hilarious. I would have given him a cookie.

DanielleTheOne | 3

#767894 - Monday 11 January 2010 12:24

i woulda pissed myself lol

realggirl | 0

#769607 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 4:31

I would have called the cops. After freaking out.

Honda288 | 2

#4070995 - Wednesday 22 February 2012 5:21

What if he wanted more than one cookie!?

By beanerkid | 0

#767713 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:25

Did you give him any?
Lol.
Better that then something else

By theman34 | 0

#767715 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:27

give him more beer

By TheMichaelIsFres | 0

#767716 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:27

that wasn't a drunk man it was cookie monster!!!!