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The all-time greatest FMLs

Three is the magic number

By KTBeck - 26/05/2020 14:00

Today, my husband returned from a hiking trip. We had "I missed you" sex and after we were done, he told me about all the ticks he had while on the trail. He then went to shower and while washing, he found a tick latched to his penis. I technically had a three way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 769

You deserved it 373

By independant - 08/11/2018 08:30 - United States - Corvallis

Today, my son turned 18. He now calls me by my first name instead of "dad" and refuses to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 769

You deserved it 570

Not funny, man

By ChristinaGee - 30/12/2021 20:00

Today, my husband says he wants to file for divorce because he’s tired of me being a “bossy boots.” Apparently, asking him to stop sending a 17 year-old girl dick pics as a “joke” is too much to ask. My tongue is going to fall out from the many times I've had to explain to him why it’s inappropriate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 769

You deserved it 413

Marking territory

By Anonymous - 02/01/2020 20:00 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, while on a picnic with my boyfriend, he got a little drunk. All of a sudden, he got up, pulled his pants down and pissed all over me. His excuse? "Just marking my territory." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 769

You deserved it 347

Baked

By NotHappyJan - 03/12/2018 03:00

Today, I thought I'd take advantage of the lovely weather and sunbake topless in my grandmother's back yard. My grandma went up the street to do some shopping and didn’t tell me that men were coming to mow the lawn. I was laying on my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 769

You deserved it 2 019

By AloneForChristmas - 25/12/2018 16:00

Today, I live in dorms and found out everyone is leaving for Christmas break. I also found out my student loan didn't go through, so now I cant afford to go visit my family that lives over 7 hours away. I guess I'll be spending Christmas alone in a dorm room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 769

You deserved it 240

Words don't come easy

By Anonymous - 27/03/2020 17:00

Today, mid-sex, my wife told me to call her a nasty slut. I was kind of uncomfortable doing it, but I did it to make her horny. She started crying, because she didn’t realise how much it would hurt her feelings. Now I’m not sure if she’s mad at me or herself, but I’m scared either way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 769

You deserved it 288

By Helseac - 17/12/2018 03:00

Today, I noticed my husband makes better sex sounds on the toilet then he does with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 768

You deserved it 461

By mustanggt - 02/10/2017 10:00 - United States - Utica

Today, I finished a repair on my trailer. About twenty miles down the road, one of the joints gave out and the whole thing broke on the freeway, scattering lumber and splinters everywhere. The traffic cop called me the worst carpenter in the whole state. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 768

You deserved it 1 025

Science teacher

By Anonymous - 13/01/2020 18:00

Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 767

You deserved it 259

By Average Lover - 27/10/2018 03:00

Today, my wife and I decided to go to an adult store and buy some toys to spice up the bedroom a bit. She wanted to buy a double-edged dildo so "we can use it together". I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 767

You deserved it 773

By nobody - 27/08/2018 21:00 - Ireland

Today, while I was talking to my boss, he got a call from "babe". The number that was calling him was my girlfriend's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 766

You deserved it 155

Wuss

By kenneth - 31/08/2018 01:30

Today, I had to drive 40-odd miles to my grown-ass son's house to kill a large spider on the wall. It had him trapped in his bedroom because his wife had already gone to work. How did I ever raise such a wuss? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 765

You deserved it 1 675

By MystalBlue - 25/11/2018 13:30 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I made a little girl cry. How? She saw my face, got scared, and ran away crying. I thought I wasn't that ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 764

You deserved it 200

By Brokeandangry - 06/08/2018 21:13

Today, I bought my kids new mattresses for their new beds. Within 24 hours my son did a cannon ball onto his sister's bed to prove that it wouldn't break. The box spring snapped in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 762

You deserved it 324

Intruders!

By wtf babe? - 29/06/2020 14:02

Today, I came home to find my husband allowed several of his family members to move in without even asking me. His parents are in the spare room, his brother and wife are in my den and they expect me to make my daughter share her bed with two older cousins. I’m ready to take the kids and leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 761

You deserved it 173

No excuse

By Anonymous - 28/07/2020 14:01

Today, I missed my chance to see my mum for the last time because my son is such a selfish druggie, he couldn’t be bothered to stay sober long enough to pass on the message from the hospital that she was deteriorating fast, and likely only had a few hours left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 759

You deserved it 254

By Anoniem - 10/12/2018 17:30 - Netherlands

Today, my two co-workers got the promotion we were all working for. The reason they got the promotion and not me? My interview got cancelled because of a policy change, implemented that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 759

You deserved it 156

By MSguy - 27/08/2018 14:30

Today, I found out that the medication that's been free to me and has given me no noticeable side effects will be $1500 a month for my new insurance. This is a medication used to prevent my MS relapses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 759

You deserved it 143

By Anonymous - 29/09/2018 13:30

Today, my AC stopped working. It's currently 3:08AM and I have 2 fans running, a cold washcloth on my neck, and a window open. It's still hot as hell. Thanks, Florida. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 758

You deserved it 469

Crazy best friend

By Anonymous - 05/12/2019 18:00

Today, I was in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, and my drunk best friend knocked on our door. We screamed 'go away' and she still opened the door. She then saw us, and asked if she can join. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 757

You deserved it 753

By socially awkward cupcake - 16/02/2017 15:52

Today, a guy I like tried to talk to me. I got so nervous that I had a panic attack and puked in front of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 757

You deserved it 408

How is that fair?

By Henry - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I was promoted as an auditor at an insurance company. After finding 9 compliance violations and over $15,000 returned incorrectly, I reported them to my manager. She blamed me for all the mistakes and fired me. These mistakes happened two years before I was employed with the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 756

You deserved it 183

By rachgirl6 - 22/10/2018 23:00 - Australia

Today, after I ran and just caught the train home after work, it took me 4 stops to realise I had driven to work that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 755

You deserved it 900

Sounds reasonable

By jenn8209 - 15/09/2022 01:30

Today, it’s my honeymoon. Before sexy time, my new husband made me do my first “act of loyalty” to him: text all my male contacts who were not family to “never speak to me again” and delete then from social media and cellphone. Apparently, I “can’t be hoeing” around during marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 755

You deserved it 646

Making a scene

By Anonymous - 24/11/2017 05:00

Today, I got my septum piercing stuck in a bag of cinnamon pine cones at Target. My boyfriend was wearing a red shirt with khaki pants, so all the other shoppers probably thought I'd had to call a Target employee over to "cut" me out of the bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 755

You deserved it 1 577

By tbreezy - 26/11/2018 14:00

Today, I called my ex-girlfriend to see if she would meet up with me so I could give her money to pay off the rest of the TV we had on layaway before we broke up. Turns out she cancelled it and took all the money I put into it. I put $500 down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 754

You deserved it 425

Valid reason?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I found out that my husband only dated me because I look like what he thought the daughter he had with his first wife might look like when she's grown up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 754

You deserved it 253

By JustLeaveThem - 25/01/2017 18:00

Today, I was reaching into the floor vent in my toddler's room to retrieve some toys she'd dropped. What I found instead was a clump of large dead spiders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 753

You deserved it 301

Scared to bed

By Anonymous - 14/11/2018 12:00

Today, I'm scared to leave my bedroom. During the night, what must have been a giant spider made a web 4 feet wide stretching from the lightbulb to the tv and then down to the desk corner. It's blocking my path to the door and I can't tell where the 8-legged bastard is hiding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 753

You deserved it 437

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The Top

Today, my estranged dad drunk-dialed me at 4 a.m. to apologize, and to make amends. After crying and forgiving, we hung up. Minutes later, he called back to retract everything he said after remembering how I was rude to him at a party 3 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 683

You deserved it 3 297

Today, I went on a first date with a guy. He told me his wife had filed for divorce this morning (I had no idea he had ever been married) and then he sent me the e-receipt for my nachos along with his Venmo handle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 868

You deserved it 148

Today, I told my soon-to-be-ex that he never does anything for the kids, and hasn't contributed a dime. He showed up with a half a gallon of milk and a box of cereal. Not what I meant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 859

You deserved it 790

Today, I let my new puppy outside for the first time. When I went to get him, I saw a man running off with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 628

You deserved it 12 813

Today, my mother-in-law keeps making fun of how I've "never seen any cool movies." I grew up in severe social isolation/constant physical abuse, and have memory loss from age 13 and below as a result. I've seen them, I just can't remember them, but she refuses to believe it, so I'll never hear the end of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 067

You deserved it 107

Today, I walked in on my brother shaving his nuts, all while giggling like a maniac and seemingly high out of his mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 406

You deserved it 5 335