Intimate moments: Today, I noticed my husband makes better sex sounds on the toilet... - FML

By Helseac

Today, I noticed my husband makes better sex sounds on the toilet then he does with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2639

You deserved it

419

Tweet

Share

Intimate moments

Class Wars - UK Edition

The X Factor

Slasher

By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 17:04

Blender time!

Today, I've told my boyfriend several times that my toothless grandma can only eat pureed foods, but likes any kind of soup, "as long as there's no meat in it." Guess what was his idea of a gift for her when meeting her for the first time? A steak. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1366

You deserved it

157

Tweet

Share

By quarantine hell

Quid pro quo

Today, I called my sister and asked if she could watch my baby while I went to the store for desperately needed groceries and supplies. She refused, despite the fact that she's randomly dropped off her three rambunctious boys more times than I could count so she could go clubbing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1787

You deserved it

229

Tweet

Share

By pizzaface - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed. The lady who waxed my eyebrows also decided to pop the big zit on my forehead. She charged me a dollar extra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36982

You deserved it

7258

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my dog was diagnosed with a torn ACL. This costs $1500-$2500 to treat. Three months ago, he had heart worms. That cost $1400 to treat. I adopted this dog from a shelter four months ago to help relieve some of my stress and anxiety. I don't feel any less stressed or anxious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4630

You deserved it

499

Tweet

Share

By snydeeli000 - United States - Kent

Today, I learned the hisses of my 3 cats so I can tell who starts the fights. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22530

You deserved it

3379

Tweet

Share

By Grounded - United States

Today, my parents told me that they've been having a contest to see who could punish me the most this week. So far, my mom is in the lead by kicking me out of the car near railroad tracks, and making me walk the 4 miles home in the freezing rain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45855

You deserved it

3337

Tweet

Share

By horny I’m so horny - 15/4/2021 17:00 - United States

Frustrating!

Today, we’ve been unable to have sex for months due to my boyfriend’s health issues. I would never EVER cheat on him; however my unconscious mind has other ideas. I’ve dreamt of kinky sex with everyone from the maintenance man to gettin' freaky with detective Stabler. I’m so horny I’m gonna burst. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1208

You deserved it

224

Tweet

Share

By pokie - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that my fantasy was for him to eat me out on the dinner table. My boyfriend told me his was me in a Pikachu costume. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47771

You deserved it

9349

Tweet

Share

By nV1ous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went to a bar during Irishfest. When I returned to my girlfriend she was crying and told me that this guy pushed her. I confronted the guy and poured my beer on him who just happened to be the chief of police. He was trying to make room for a guy in a wheelchair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14083

You deserved it

56806

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wakefield

You made them use coasters, Monica

Today, I was checking my friends' posts on Facebook and all of them were complaining what a boring night they had. They were all just at my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1454

You deserved it

179

Tweet

Share

By not_trained_for_this - United States

Today, I was working at the school when one of the kids came crying to me about needing help with his zipper after a little "accident". Forbidden by a district ordinance to touch them in certain areas, there was nothing I could do; to which he cried and pissed his pants. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37932

You deserved it

2930

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41698

You deserved it

6508

Tweet

Share

By ohhhgross - Singapore

Today, while I was eating, my younger sister came over and sat beside me. She started clipping her toenails. Disgusted by it, I turned and opened my mouth to tell her to move somewhere else, just as one flew inside my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36176

You deserved it

5323

Tweet

Share

By jumpedjogger - United States

Today, I was jogging in the neighborhood. My new neighbor who lives three houses down clotheslines me and shouts, "You're the reason my wife won't have sex with me!" He then kicked me in the stomach and walked inside. Now I'm scared to leave my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39149

You deserved it

3709

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/5/2020 08:00

Overdoing it

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to "dirty talk" with him. I'd never done it before, so I figured I would give it a go. I ended up getting so excited that I had an anxiety attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1483

You deserved it

355

Tweet

Share

By petmosch

Today, I came up with the idea of pranking my girlfriend by telling her that I knew she was cheating on me. She then apologized. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6159

You deserved it

2355

Tweet

Share

By Alex - United Kingdom - Greenford

Today, my dad told me that I was conceived while he and my mother were high on LSD. He then stared into the distance, mumbled "Probably explains a few things" and chuckled to himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46353

You deserved it

4138

Tweet

Share

By Lena - United States

Today, I got a small scar on my faced removed at a plastic surgeon's. Afterward, I told my mom that losing the scar felt weird, like I lost something that gave me character. My mom replied, "Don't worry, you have plenty of other flaws to give you character." FML

I agree, your life sucks

57937

You deserved it

7546

Tweet

Share

By rmonk - United States - Naperville

Today, I went to my required district science fair with my project about gliders and was a bit unprepared in terms of personal knowledge on the science behind gliders. I was hoping I would get a judge who didn't know a lot about aerodynamics. One of my judges was a glider pilot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11670

You deserved it

22801

Tweet

Share

By RingRing - United States

Today, I was about to get on stage for a choir concert, and realized I had no where to put my phone. Running out of time, I tucked it in the front of my dress and got on stage. I should have put it on silent first. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8418

You deserved it

34117

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Rise and shine

Today, my cat woke me up at 3 a.m. by jumping from the shelf and landing on my nutsack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1417

You deserved it

253

Tweet

Share

By HAIRY - United States - Iowa City

Today, I was hanging out with some of my friends when I fell asleep. When I woke up, I found that they had shaved the F word into my arm. I don't know what is more disturbing: the fact that this is what my friends do for fun, or that I have enough arm hair to have four letters shaved into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24041

You deserved it

4408

Tweet

Share

By JAdams - United States - Newkirk

Today, I walked in on my fifteen-year-old son and his friends attempting to set up a rudimentary meth lab in his bedroom. I'm not sure whether to be angrier that they simply tried this, or that they thought burning up baking soda would somehow produce methamphetamine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29505

You deserved it

2930

Tweet

Share

By asthmattack - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, I was suffering from an asthma attack, so I grabbed my inhaler and took a puff. This was probably very disturbing for the earwig which had somehow made my puffer its home, as I discovered when it shot into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34224

You deserved it

2798

Tweet

Share

By milkshake - United States - Pasadena

Today, at work at a car dealership, a seemingly overzealous customer shook my hand vigorously after we finalized a deal. I didn't think anything of it until a coworker pointed out that he was just trying to make my breasts jiggle. I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32632

You deserved it

6237

Tweet

Share

By Hairy Cheek - United States - Columbia

Today, I was at work and caught my pants on the corner of the door hinge. They tore completely open and my hairy cheek was exposed for the whole office to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20326

You deserved it

2139

Tweet

Share

By Sick - Canada

Today, I stayed home, sick in bed. I had been sleeping on my arms. I got up quickly to grab the phone. My numb left arm rocketed and punched me in the (now cut) lip, which threw me off balance, making me smash my (now bloody) nose off of the headboard. It was a telemarketer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54570

You deserved it

6139

Tweet

Share

By FML - United States - Pine Bush

Today, I was at work and a guy walked up holding his phone with the camera facing me. He then looks up at me and says, "I'm not taking a picture of you. I'm just trying to catch a Pokemon." And here I was thinking that I looked nice today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11702

You deserved it

2434

Tweet

Share

By sadf4x0r - United Kingdom

Today, I realised my girlfriend is the perfect woman for most men. She only ever talks to me in the intermissions on Modern Warfare 2; shame it's not me playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28586

You deserved it

6325

Tweet

Share

By ASad17Yearold - 7/5/2021 03:59

The truth will out

Today, I've lied about my grades for three years of high school already and my mom thinks I'm a straight A student. I'm supposed to be going to college in a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

120

You deserved it

1331

Tweet

Share

By Ohgreat - United States

Today, I discovered I was at the same restaurant as my ex and his new girlfriend. Quickly, I picked up my mother's phone when she wasn't looking, and began to pretend to talk to a fake new boyfriend. Few seconds later, the waiter loudly asked me if I was done talking into the calculator. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10520

You deserved it

46607

Tweet

Share

By Discipl - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I strained so hard while on the toilet that I gave myself a nosebleed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33013

You deserved it

5917

Tweet

Share

By Iman - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

116601

You deserved it

292939

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, my pet bunny died. My little sister is distraught and practically suicidal, because apparently she playfully pointed a wand at it a few days ago and said "avada kedavra". She's absolutely convinced that she killed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38569

You deserved it

3109

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I shaved my vagina for the first time ever. Had sex with my husband and then asked if he liked that. He said, "You've done that before, though". I haven't. We've been married 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17153

You deserved it

1801

Tweet

Share

By dgordo3 - United States

Today, on my way home from watching a movie with a girl, I began having an erection because I thought I could kiss her goodnight. She dropped me off at home, and with my full blown erection, I walked in front of her car with the headlights on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14179

You deserved it

45763

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States

Today, while hiking in the mountains in North Carolina, I finally got to the deer I had been tracking for almost an hour. I was watching it from about 10 feet away, and enjoying every moment. Within a few seconds, my niece yelled from across the river to ask if I had found it. It ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5502

You deserved it

971

Tweet

Share

By will3000

Today, I was on my way to work behind a very slow car. At a red light, the lady came over and punched me in the face for following her too closely. We are coworkers and our desks are next to each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31464

You deserved it

4220

Tweet

Share

By cchandler - United States

Today, I received a phone call from the number of a "single" guy I met online. It was his wife, who is three months pregnant. She threatened to kick my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36236

You deserved it

8016

Tweet

Share

By unluckysamaritan - Sweden - H??r

Today, someone stole my purse and phone while I was giving CPR to someone who had a heart attack on the subway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15376

You deserved it

970

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By ViviMage | 38

#7738831 - Monday 17 December 2018 7:39

Poop so good! C'mon baby make me poop so good! Sometimes love doesn't feel like it should, 'cuz baby I poop so good!

By Itsbeenalong | 5

#7738843 - Monday 17 December 2018 8:40

You should familiarise yourself with iglooing. Seems like your husband would enjoy it.

COMMENTS

By fde2blknimout | 18

#7738819 - Monday 17 December 2018 6:26

Get a strap on or use your finger

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7738825 - Monday 17 December 2018 7:01

Maybe he is straining when he is having sex?

By ViviMage | 38

#7738831 - Monday 17 December 2018 7:39

Poop so good! C'mon baby make me poop so good! Sometimes love doesn't feel like it should, 'cuz baby I poop so good!

By Itsbeenalong | 5

#7738843 - Monday 17 December 2018 8:40

You should familiarise yourself with iglooing. Seems like your husband would enjoy it.

By bass_ftp | 12

#7739051 - Monday 17 December 2018 13:24

If this is the worst part of your relationship you’re doing pretty good.

By tipsyone | 21

#7739417 - Tuesday 18 December 2018 2:47

He is probably bi! Try penetrating him

By JanaTheWolf | 15

#7739780 - Tuesday 18 December 2018 20:01

Yaaay, I'm not the only one :) Mine, too. You know what they say... a good poop in the morning is a thousand times better than sex :) (here I am hoping that people will understand my sarcasm/irony/whatever)

By Jennifer Michelle Julietta | 4

#7746090 - Monday 31 December 2018 22:01

that's some gangster ass shit right there.