Today, I noticed my husband makes better sex sounds on the toilet... - FML

By Helseac - 17/12/2018 03:00

Today, I noticed my husband makes better sex sounds on the toilet then he does with me. FML

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Intimate moments

Rock, hard place

Yappy neighborhood

You snooze, you lose

By Kiki - 12/7/2018 12:30 - United States - Littleton

Today, I found out that my roommate of 4 years is sleeping with my ex of 7 years. Yesterday, she showed up to court as a witness for him and lied on the stand to try to get the protection order dropped. She's on the lease, so I have to live with this snake for 2 more months. FML

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By yumx24 - 30/5/2009 13:45 - United States

Today, at the local swimming pool, my friend and I noticed two cute guys had just arrived. When they jumped in, we immediately took off our tank tops and got in the opposite end. They looked over at us, then looked at each other, got out of the pool and left. FML

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By needagoodlaugh - 10/11/2016 01:58 - United States - West Linn

Today, after complaining about the clocks still being an hour ahead from daylights savings, my work finally changed the time on all the clocks in the building. Now all the clocks are two hours ahead. FML

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By loverpants - 14/8/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I made the "Good luck, We'll miss you!" sign for my own going away party. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2013 17:32 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was in the shower, oblivious to the outside world, when four police officers who had apparently been banging at my door, entered by force. They were doing a bust on a weed farm and got the wrong house. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2012 02:03 - United States

Today, Target asked me if I would do the closing announcement. I've only been working there a little while, so excited I agreed. I told people, "The store is now closing, thank you for shopping at Walmart." FML

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By Ves - 3/2/2009 23:19 - United States

Today, a woman walked out of the Humane Society with a cat carrier. I said, "Oh did you adopt him?" She walked past and started crying. She had just brought her cat in to be euthanized. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2014 02:04 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone interview with a company. Excited, I prepared for the interview and conducted extensive research on the company. The interview ended within a minute. They'd got the wrong person. FML

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By ew. - 17/8/2010 04:28 - Canada

Today, I learned that I was conceived on a public bus. FML

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By mybad - 25/8/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, a customer brought her kids into the store where I work. I like to make people laugh so being my usual joking self I kidded "Why aren't those kids in school?". She didn't laugh when she said that their house burned down the night before and the kids had no clothes to wear to school. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2020 00:01 - United States

Don't let the bastards grind you down

Today, I heard a radio ad for the new anti-bullying efforts at a local middle school. The speaker in the ad was the school counselor… who was also my bully in high school. FML

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By pooped - 13/5/2009 09:49 - China

Today, I was walking to find a public toilet in a Chinese village. While looking for the women's restroom, I stepped on a thin sheet of plastic. I fell into the toilet's waste collection area and found myself knee-deep in the villagers' faeces. FML

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By oouchh - 24/7/2011 12:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend I still love, and his new girlfriend, who he cheated on me with. Embarrassingly, she was wearing the same top as me. However hers was in size 6, unlike my 16. FML

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By creepedouthostess - 17/6/2009 07:12 - United States

Today, while working in a restaurant, I took an elderly man to his table under a red colored lamp. He asked me if this was "the red light district." I thought he was just kidding until when I was placing down the menus he leaned in and whispered creepily in my ear, "You know, you're really sexy." FML

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By MisterBrown - 15/2/2010 07:08 - United States

Today, while at a family get together, my bowels suddenly decided they needed to be emptied. Straight away. I felt bad enough using someone else's bathroom for this, but later, my sister came in and loudly said "God, Brian, what the hell have you been eating?" in front of everyone at the get together. FML

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By CabbageFart92 - 4/9/2017 01:30

Today, a package was delivered to my house. Thinking it was my new blender, I hurriedly brought it in to open it. Inside the box was an assortment of rotten vegetables that stank like Satan's asshole. I have no idea who it's from or why they hate me so much. FML

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By tannarox - 28/1/2012 15:46 - United States

Today, our rodent problem was taken care of. I discovered this when my cat projectile-vomited a soggy, death-scented wad of dark fur and tiny organs onto the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2012 13:54 - Greece - Athens

Today, I gave up smoking. A few hours later, I caught myself daydreaming about brutally killing a guy that gave me a mean look at the bus. Maybe I should go back to smoking. FML

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By chickenmcnuggetgirl - 18/3/2013 18:10 - Ireland - Enfield

Different strokes

Today, I found out my boyfriend has a chicken nugget fetish. He wants me to take a chicken nugget bath in a bikini. He seems to be dead serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 02:01

Unhappy Birthday

Today, none of my family was at home. Turns out my one of my aunts was having a birthday party and all my relatives went, but nobody told me because they don’t like me coming around. FML

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By CUNTCUNTCUNT - 29/1/2014 21:28 - Australia - Slacks Creek

Today, it's my 8 year anniversary. My boyfriend's "romantic" gesture for the occasion was to toss a few McDonald's coupons at me and tell me to get whatever I wanted. FML

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By ChocoMilkManG - 3/7/2009 01:37 - United States

Today, I found some Nesquick Chocolate Milk mix in my pantry which sounded good. While making a glass, I got angry because not all of the mix would disolve. Frustrated, I downed the drink. When I finished I looked in the glass and realized the mix that wouldn't disolve was actually tiny ants. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2012 05:29 - Europe

Today, after my boyfriend and I had gotten frisky last night, I found a note on the front door of my building that read, "Dear girl in apartment 3D, from now on please close the blinds all the way or lose 30 pounds. Either would be acceptable." FML

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By wow @ creepy fuckers - 17/11/2012 01:06 - United States

Today, yet again, my boss whined to me like a baby over being "friend-zoned" by his secretary. Not only does he basically stalk her and make her eat lunch with him every day, she's a lesbian in a committed relationship. He suspended me after I lost it and told him to see a fucking therapist. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2016 06:40 - United States - Huntsville

Today, after a week of my new neighbor constantly yelling in his native language, I finally complained about the noise. Turns out that's just his normal talking voice. Goodbye sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2011 13:30 - United States

Today, my fiancé suggested we bring his elderly mother with us on our honeymoon. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2009 13:34 - United States

Today, I thought it would have been funny to cut off my friend's rat-tail. He thought it would be funny to put a brick through my windshield. FML

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By Arrkyna - 23/8/2015 17:42

Today, I decided to upgrade to Windows 10. I wanted to keep my old files on the current hard drive, I clicked on the keep old files option. Thanks to Windows, I lost everything. FML

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By IrNatalie - 2/6/2015 08:59 - United States - Laveen

Today, a customer yelled at me because the cherry pie he bought had cherries in it, and he wanted a refund. FML

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By hatemyjob - 25/2/2010 22:29 - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier at a restaurant. When I receive $50 and $100 bills I am required to have a manager check to make sure they are not counterfeit. Every manager I found yelled at me to find another manager because they were busy. Frustrated, I just accepted the bill. It was fake. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2009 18:18 - United States

Today, I heard an electric saw cutting through something outside my condo. I presumed it was a complex maintenance guy working on something. It was a thief using an angle grinder to cut off my bicycle's U-lock. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2011 20:21 - United Kingdom

Today, my religious parents were hosting a family dinner. Not only did we have to wait over an hour for my grandma to finally show up, but when she did, she had her 30 year old boytoy in tow. Apparently, "Granny has needs too you know, hahaha!" Goodbye peaceful family. FML

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By Why me. - 20/10/2018 11:30 - United States - Kent

Today, I emailed my boss to let her know I was uncomfortable working over what my university’s 28-hour policy allows. She demanded I work 40 hours this week. In any other job, I'd be fine, but if I work over 28 hours, the university will fire me. If I refuse to work 28 hours, my boss will fire me. FML

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By best breast - 6/4/2018 00:00

Today, my husband and I hosted Easter dinner. Since I was in my own home, I breastfed without a cover. My sister-in-law stormed out in a rage, screaming that I was being obscene, and equated it to shooting heroin in front of her kids. Happy Easter indeed. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2012 10:37 - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I was listening to some Michael Jackson through my earphones when I saw this really cute girl. Trying to impress, I aproached her while doing some dance moves, not thinking about how unbelievably stupid it must have looked without the music. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2014 17:07 - United States - Tuscaloosa

Today, I was leading a tour of my university and saw a girl in ripped jeans and combat boots smoking a cigarette. I told her that she shouldn't be representing the school in such a manner. She shot back: "I'm a Presidential Scholar. Suck my dick, bitch." FML

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By poop - 8/1/2011 01:31 - United States

Today, my boss decided to post a photo of a piece of crap on Facebook. He tagged me in it. FML

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By Derp McShitstain - 16/9/2012 19:48 - United Kingdom - Saint Helens

Today, I was shopping with my boyfriend, when he suggested that I might want to buy a new loofah. When I asked why, he admitted he's been using it to scrub his ass crack for weeks. I use that loofah to wash my face. FML

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By whyarewerelated - 8/9/2011 15:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I was working alone in the office with my brother. He's run out of work to do, so has been singing Disney songs loudly and badly, throwing stationery at me, and just now snuck up on me from behind and wrapped duct tape round my face. It's just us in the office next week. FML

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By ambrosia - 16/8/2019 00:01

Today, I saw my boyfriend cutting the crusts off his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He’s 24. FML

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Top comments

By ViviMage | 38

#7738831 - Monday 17 December 2018 7:39

Poop so good! C'mon baby make me poop so good! Sometimes love doesn't feel like it should, 'cuz baby I poop so good!

By Itsbeenalong | 5

#7738843 - Monday 17 December 2018 8:40

You should familiarise yourself with iglooing. Seems like your husband would enjoy it.

COMMENTS

By fde2blknimout | 18

#7738819 - Monday 17 December 2018 6:26

Get a strap on or use your finger

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7738825 - Monday 17 December 2018 7:01

Maybe he is straining when he is having sex?

By ViviMage | 38

#7738831 - Monday 17 December 2018 7:39

Poop so good! C'mon baby make me poop so good! Sometimes love doesn't feel like it should, 'cuz baby I poop so good!

By Itsbeenalong | 5

#7738843 - Monday 17 December 2018 8:40

You should familiarise yourself with iglooing. Seems like your husband would enjoy it.

By bass_ftp | 12

#7739051 - Monday 17 December 2018 13:24

If this is the worst part of your relationship you’re doing pretty good.

By tipsyone | 20

#7739417 - Tuesday 18 December 2018 2:47

He is probably bi! Try penetrating him

By JanaTheWolf | 15

#7739780 - Tuesday 18 December 2018 20:01

Yaaay, I'm not the only one :) Mine, too. You know what they say... a good poop in the morning is a thousand times better than sex :) (here I am hoping that people will understand my sarcasm/irony/whatever)

By Jennifer Michelle Julietta | 4

#7746090 - Monday 31 December 2019 22:01

that's some gangster ass shit right there.