Intimate moments: Today, I noticed my husband makes better sex sounds on the toilet... - FML

By Helseac

Today, I noticed my husband makes better sex sounds on the toilet then he does with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2626

You deserved it

416

Tweet

Share

Intimate moments

Social media was a mistake

Give me my drugs!

Let's go girls!

By LonelyPorkChop - Australia

Today, rather than buying one pork chop big enough for myself, I bought two smaller chops just so the cashier wouldn't think I was eating by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39968

You deserved it

8711

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Tacoma

Today, my car was broken into, on the same night I stayed up late researching how to install my new car alarm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42016

You deserved it

3412

Tweet

Share

By sucker and suckatash/say don't spray - United States - Pearl City

Today, I was doing stand-up comedy at open mic. The guy I like started laughing, but before I hit my punch line. Apparently, when I was speaking, I was occasionally spitting, and in the very bright light it was easy to see my spit hitting people in the face. They kept a tally. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47894

You deserved it

6647

Tweet

Share

By f*cks_sake - United States

Today, while tanning on a family cruise, I woke up to a crowd of people staring at me in disgust. Apparently, I'd fallen asleep, developed a boner, and started french-kissing the air. I had to sit through both the surveillance tapes and a grand bollocking from security in the aftermath. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43248

You deserved it

11014

Tweet

Share

By preggers - Canada

Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33456

You deserved it

3912

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Saginaw

Today, I tried to blink out a small speck of dirt that was caught in my eye. Instead, I learned what it feels like to suffocate a small, angry spider with your eyelid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47451

You deserved it

3824

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States

Today, I went with my girlfriend to her parents' house. They told me I smelled of cheap vodka. When I told them I worked in a bio lab and used ethanol a lot, they said I was too stupid to do anything like that. My girlfriend broke up with me because her parents think I'm a drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65742

You deserved it

3397

Tweet

Share

By starrybrooke - United States

Today, while working the dinner rush at my job, every single computer, credit card machine, and printer froze for an hour and a half. The reason behind this issue was a large wire ripped from the mainframe, the same wire I tripped over 20 seconds before while my boss watched. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55432

You deserved it

9896

Tweet

Share

By Toothy_Peg - Australia

Today, I got a meat pie for lunch. I bit into it and felt something hard. I spat it out. It was a tooth. I checked my mouth in a panic and discovered, with mixed feelings of relief and horror, that the tooth wasn’t mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

89034

You deserved it

4312

Tweet

Share

By birdbath - United States

Today, I ran into a bird. Not with my car, with my face. It was so scared, it crapped all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35790

You deserved it

3618

Tweet

Share

By tspence - United States - Genoa

Today, I found myself arguing with a 6-year-old over a game of tag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16556

You deserved it

34147

Tweet

Share

By FML - United States - Maricopa

Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. It went well, until my dad got drunk and started telling everyone about how "midgets" are assholes and are ruining America. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22599

You deserved it

1710

Tweet

Share

By Jenn

Today, in my lifeguarding course, I had to pull a 200-pound boy out of the pool in an exercise to practice using our legs when lifting. I, being only 90 pounds, tried pulling and ended up falling into the pool, landing with my lady parts on his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8050

You deserved it

792

Tweet

Share

By Broly171 - United States

Today, I lent my parents a copy of "The Dark Knight", saying it was one of my favorite movies so they needed to watch it. A bit later my mom called... Apparently my roommate wanted to watch it as well, but couldn't find the case to his porno and decided to just use the Batman case instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41207

You deserved it

5612

Tweet

Share

By Tuffgunsmoke - France

Today, I was at the gym and saw an old friend. I have put on a lot of muscle in the past few months, and she said to me "Wow, you've really gotten big." Just by habit I said "You too." Turns out she's gained 45 lbs since I'd last seen her. Oops. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12695

You deserved it

31433

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to put my friend's hand in lukewarm water while he was sleeping, to see if he'd pee himself. He woke up and punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7374

You deserved it

66240

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having 6 gangrenous toes amputated because he hasn't been treating his diabetes properly. Not half an hour after he got home, I caught him sneaking sweets from a hiding place in his toolbox. He's already lost the bag with his medication in it. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3383

You deserved it

298

Tweet

Share

By lanbon182 - United States

Today, my fiancé's parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. They had names. FML

I agree, your life sucks

250360

You deserved it

31157

Tweet

Share

By razordot - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after complaining all my life that no one makes a decent can opener, I have realised that I have been using them the wrong way. I finally figured out that the cutting blade goes on the SIDE of the can not the TOP. I'm 57 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1041

You deserved it

1958

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/1/2021 23:01

Whoops

Today, I had a very important video call for my job. I hadn’t used the particular app in a long time so I hadn’t checked my screen name. Turns out the last time I used it was in March with my friends, and my name was "Euro Slut." My employers saw it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

226

You deserved it

795

Tweet

Share

By TLJ321

Today, I tried to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon. I ended up vomiting chunks of burgers, all while bleeding from the nose and suffering throbbing testicles. I then had to clean it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8597

You deserved it

58662

Tweet

Share

By Username - United States

Today, the guy at Subway asked if I wanted to make my sandwich a footlong. I'm not sure what came over me, but before I realized what I was saying, I'd told him that I couldn't handle 12 inches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31723

You deserved it

10443

Tweet

Share

By bern5555 - United States

Today, I was working with the kid I babysit for. We were out and he complained that he was hungry. I spent my very last $2 on chicken nuggets for him and a coffee for myself. Just as I sat down, he knocked over my coffee, spilling it into his chicken nuggets. Then he cried for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34379

You deserved it

3174

Tweet

Share

By Alone - 27/12/2020 13:58 - Italy

Happy Holidays

Today, after spending Christmas alone because my bus home got cancelled due to Covid, I found that I have to spend the New Year alone and potentially homeless because my flight home got cancelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

782

You deserved it

83

Tweet

Share

By InsomniacToBe - United States - Saint George

Today, I had a dream that my ex-boyfriend had become a vicious serial killer and was hunting me down because I broke up with him. I don't know what scares me more: the way he hunted me in my sleep, or the fact that it wouldn't surprise me if it actually happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26890

You deserved it

3846

Tweet

Share

By dan - United States - Phoenix

Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML

I agree, your life sucks

56167

You deserved it

15313

Tweet

Share

By zenithbelana - United States

Today, two weeks after reporting our car was broken into, the police showed up to our flat. They came to inform us that our car was was broken into. We explained that we knew this and reported it weeks ago. Apparently, it was broken into again, and set on fire this time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34549

You deserved it

2118

Tweet

Share

By sopissed - United States - Laurel

Today, I went to take my driver's test, and I did almost everything perfectly. The last thing was to back into a driveway. As I went to put my hand on the passenger seat to look over my shoulder, I got so nervous that I hit my instructor in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29566

You deserved it

3602

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Champlin

Today, as part of my medical anatomy course, I had to give a presentation about an STD and the effects it has on women. The class was comprised almost entirely of girls. I become extremely anxious and accidentally stated "Vaginas are smelly" as my opening statement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16630

You deserved it

29129

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/10/2020 11:01

Our House

Today, I found out I have another leak in my house. I've had three inspections and they were all shit. At this point, that pipe is the only remaining original pipe in the entire house. Over 25k have officially gone into this BS. Note to all: go "new." FML

I agree, your life sucks

779

You deserved it

71

Tweet

Share

By Seriously - United States

Today, my son's homework was to write a story about what he wants to be when he grows up. He wrote that he plans on being unemployed and living at home until we throw him out, then he'll live under a bridge. He's only 12, but already planning for a future as an unemployed bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39198

You deserved it

8468

Tweet

Share

By SharkWeek - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I reminded my husband that I was on my period, so he wouldn't try to fool around with me. A few hours later, his goldfish-like memory kicked in and he stuck his hand down my pants while we were going to bed. I was wearing a maxi pad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60558

You deserved it

5763

Tweet

Share

By fucked - Canada

Today, my boss - AKA Satan - told me I'd better watch out, because I'm now top on his list of people to lay off next time the company downsizes. All I did was give a report to the board admitting that our sales are down this year. He blames me for making him look bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40525

You deserved it

3744

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a pretty co-worker invited me out for drinks after my shift. I have no money left until payday. Embarrassed, I had to decline and go home alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30748

You deserved it

7278

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Dominican Republic

Today, my expensive, multi-feature, water proof watch was destroyed... by water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40653

You deserved it

7152

Tweet

Share

By badizzle

Helmut Newton strikes back

Today, my art teacher fawned over my friend's photographs of random children and people making out, while she called my picture of an old man looking thoughtful on a pier "creepy" and "voyeuristic." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1521

You deserved it

110

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Piedmont

Today, my girlfriend told me that she feels pregnant. I didn't believe her, given how recently we had sex for the first time, so I told her to take a test to make sure. She's very sure now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32762

You deserved it

51159

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy bag. She got agitated and ripped the bag from her abdomen and threw it at my face. I got a bag filled with poop thrown at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58157

You deserved it

3414

Tweet

Share

By fuckjuggalos - United States - Eugene

Ouch

Today, I found out just how easy it is to be launched against the wall and sucker-punched into oblivion by a 200-pound former Marine turned professional body-builder. I discovered this after I told my fiancée's dad that we were expecting a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31015

You deserved it

4795

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, at work, a table of girls complained to the manager about me. The complaint? "He's not hot enough to work here. We want a sexy server." The manager agreed with them and sent me home. I might lose my job because of a table of shallow women. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3527

You deserved it

178

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By ViviMage | 38

#7738831 - Monday 17 December 2018 7:39

Poop so good! C'mon baby make me poop so good! Sometimes love doesn't feel like it should, 'cuz baby I poop so good!

By Itsbeenalong | 5

#7738843 - Monday 17 December 2018 8:40

You should familiarise yourself with iglooing. Seems like your husband would enjoy it.

COMMENTS

By fde2blknimout | 18

#7738819 - Monday 17 December 2018 6:26

Get a strap on or use your finger

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7738825 - Monday 17 December 2018 7:01

Maybe he is straining when he is having sex?

By ViviMage | 38

#7738831 - Monday 17 December 2018 7:39

Poop so good! C'mon baby make me poop so good! Sometimes love doesn't feel like it should, 'cuz baby I poop so good!

By Itsbeenalong | 5

#7738843 - Monday 17 December 2018 8:40

You should familiarise yourself with iglooing. Seems like your husband would enjoy it.

By bass_ftp | 12

#7739051 - Monday 17 December 2018 13:24

If this is the worst part of your relationship you’re doing pretty good.

By tipsyone | 21

#7739417 - Tuesday 18 December 2018 2:47

He is probably bi! Try penetrating him

By JanaTheWolf | 15

#7739780 - Tuesday 18 December 2018 20:01

Yaaay, I'm not the only one :) Mine, too. You know what they say... a good poop in the morning is a thousand times better than sex :) (here I am hoping that people will understand my sarcasm/irony/whatever)

By Jennifer Michelle Julietta | 4

#7746090 - Monday 31 December 2018 22:01

that's some gangster ass shit right there.