By Anonymous - 24/4/2020 20:00

And today on Maury…

Today, I was driving my best friend home when he admitted to being gay. I was glad he could trust me with a secret like this. Until he admitted to having sex with my boyfriend. FML

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The opposite of a good idea

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Nice neighborhood

By Anonymous - 20/12/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, while registering at the grocery store, a customer came into my lane with a 100 piece boiled shrimp platter. Feeling hungry, I muttered "nom nom" under my breath. The old man called my supervisor. Apparently I called him a moron. FML

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By SezzyJ - 2/10/2009 11:31 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. Via text. With the iPhone I got him for our anniversary. FML

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By Needsanewjob - 10/1/2012 15:34 - United States

Today, I guess I accidentally left Facebook open on my work computer while I went to the bathroom, because my boss updated my status to "Unemployed." FML

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By whatheffers - 7/7/2010 16:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using Lady GaGa lyrics. FML

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By iamnotfat - 6/2/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's work to surprise him. When I got there, I called him on his phone to tell him to turn around. I saw him look at his phone. His co-worker next to him asked who that was. He replied, "Just this fat chick I know". FML

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By "mysteryguy3039" - 7/8/2017 20:00

Today, my girlfriend gave me a two weeks' notice for our relationship. FML

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By mapleleafs34 - 17/1/2010 19:24 - United States

Today, I realized that the only boy that shows up at my door is the pizza boy. FML

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By JEalmon12 - 23/5/2019 12:00

Today, I was bored at my office, so I started flicking my pencils at my door. My boss walked in right then to give me a raise for my "outstanding" work. She scared me so much when she walked in that I flicked a pencil right at her face. FML

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By scoold - 21/12/2014 22:02 - United States - Dover

Today, my boss sent me a link on how to write a good resignation letter. FML

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By smh - 15/7/2014 20:11 - United States

Today, my mom and dad played rock, paper, scissors over who gets to spend the night with me in the hospital tonight while I have surgery. FML

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By Teen With No Money - 3/8/2011 15:49 - United States

Today, my mother took 350 dollars from savings to go to a psychic. But it's okay though, because now I know I'm an "ancient soul from another dimension". An "ancient soul" who now has no money. FML

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By bl3ur0z3 - 30/9/2019 00:01

The luck of the draw

Today, my supervisor was in a leadership meeting pulling random calls for quality. Mine was chosen. He got excited and told them my stats and how I put him to shame with how I drive my team, that I'm the best and this call is going to be amazing. I was then written up for arguing with a customer. FML

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By Ozzie - 29/9/2017 19:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, my 81-year-old mother threw out the packaging for a 3-day-old $1,700 monitor I was going to return due to a defect. I live in my own home, but she randomly visits to "clean up" without asking me. Now I'm stuck with an expensive, defective monitor. FML

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By Banana_Lord - 3/3/2015 10:41 - United Kingdom - Saint Andrews

Today, I walked 20 minutes in rain, winds that almost knocked me over, and face-fulls of stinging hailstones. Less than a minute after I finally got inside, the weather cleared up, the sun came out, and a rainbow appeared. FML

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By filipkm - 28/4/2016 22:04 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I learned that you should always check the inside of your guitar to avoid a snake bite. Nope, strings don't help. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2014 04:38 - France

Today, I took part in a raffle that was being organised in the small countryside village where I'm vacationing. I live in big city. I won a duck. A real, live duck. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2015 20:50 - United States - Winsted

Today, after locking my keys in the car and waiting 3 hours for my mom to bring me my spare, I reached into my bag only to find my keys. FML

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By thishasbeenaverytellingnight - 8/10/2017 16:00

Today, I was working in bed when my boyfriend stumbled in, drunk as hell. He got on top of me saying he wanted sex. After a moment, he paused and said, “Sorry, I thought you were Stephen.” I’m a girl. Stephen is my father. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2010 21:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I got into my car and realised that my CDs were no longer in my glove box. According to the police, the random key code for my car type has been cracked, and thieves can now let themselves in whenever they want. The manufacturer says they can't do anything about it. FML

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By sexytime - 2/9/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, my best friend who I've had serious feelings for for over a year decided to tell everyone that he hasn't gotten laid in almost 2 years. When I told him that he was lying, he responded with "No, I'm not. Who could I possibly have slept with?" We hooked up 6 months ago. 3 times. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 06:01 - United Kingdom - London

Damian?

Today, while babysitting, I got stabbed by a 7 year-old with a mechanical pencil. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2009 08:09 - United States

Today, I found out I'm balding faster than my dad. I'm 19. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2017 11:59 - United States - Manchester

A likely story...

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years wanted to break up because I was "kissing" another guy. That guy was 73 years old and dying of a heart-attack. I work as an Ambulance Technician and was performing CPR. FML

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By thissucks - 1/3/2009 19:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, stilettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. I'm grounded. FML

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By howaboutthemcarrots - 14/4/2015 15:08 - Finland - Laajalahti

Today, I decided to be healthy and make a fresh juice out of carrots and apples. Apparently, something had gone bad and now my asshole feels like a bomb just went off inside it. Good start to a healthy lifestyle. FML

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By Halle - 1/11/2011 07:41 - United States

Today, my immature step-father rubbed my head destroying the $300 hairdo that took two and a half hours to finish. Three minutes before my wedding ceremony. FML

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By pittmanw - 18/7/2016 02:54 - United States - Jackson

Today, I came home to find my girlfriend in bed with another guy. On top of it all he stole my favorite underwear. FML

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By cduttl1230 - 26/6/2010 00:30 - United States

Today, after getting my appendix taken out, we had to drive over five sets of railroad tracks. Then, my four year old brother decided to punch me in the stomach because, "I took away his mommy for two days." FML

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By creys - 18/11/2012 07:04 - United States

Today, I went to Target with my dad, and he told me to get in the shopping cart. I thought he was being cool and wanted to push me around. He snorted and said he was thinking about crashing me into a car and suing the driver. FML

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By anonymous - 25/7/2013 05:47 - United States - Gerald

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, saying, "I'm not ready for a serious relationship." We're supposed to get married in a month. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2011 20:49 - United States

Today, I finally got the nerve to tell my parents that I'm no longer going to pay them a flat percent of my salary, but only what they need to cover my expenses. Their response: "Better find a place of your own then, you freeloading bastard." FML

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By MonsieurH - 3/4/2014 07:44 - France - Perros-guirec

Today, my dog wouldn't stop pestering me while I was eating some chocolate mousse. I tried to get him to leave me alone for a bit by pretending to throw the mousse far away. The pot stayed in my hand, but I covered the furniture in chocolate mousse. My dog enjoyed cleaning it up. FML

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By bobo - 24/4/2011 01:02 - Canada

Today, I played Angry Birds for two hours. I got so into the game, I failed to remember that I was sitting on a public toilet. I only realized this when the janitor came to check on me. FML

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By lsta - 4/5/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I donated blood for the first time, and all the nurses kept complimenting on how good my veins were. That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in the past 2 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2010 06:16 - United States

Today, the airport security guard told me to lift my fat rolls so he could finish patting me down. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2013 20:37 - United States - Mountain Home

Today, I read a seemingly serious article online about giving your smartphone some extra charge by putting it in the microwave for one minute. My phone is now fried. FML

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By The Christmas Grinch - 18/11/2010 22:33 - Canada

Today, I woke up to my yard covered in snow, Christmas music playing loudly, and my noisy, obnoxious aunt and her three year old twin daughters playing and screaming. They're going to be living with us until after the winter holidays. It's only November 18th. FML

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By IndianAngel96 - 29/10/2012 22:39 - United States - Houston

Today, while in a pharmacy, I walked over to the shaving cream aisle. I picked up a can to smell it and unknowingly pushed the button, spraying an old guy in front of me. He freaked out and started telling everyone that the ceiling above him was leaking. FML

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By thebabysitter - 14/8/2009 07:34 - United States

Today, I just got done watching my cousin's two kids for four days while they were on vacation. I fed, clothed, and bathed them for four days of hell and got paid with a $5 shark tooth necklace from the Bahamas. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2015 10:18 - United Kingdom - Southam

Today, I got called a "politically correct loser" by a woman at the supermarket, all because I said I didn't want to find out the gender of my baby until birth. FML

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Top comments

By Amanda Howard | 9

#7900450 - Friday 24 April 2020 20:27

sorry you lost a friend and boyfriend the same day

By RichardPencil | 28

#7900472 - Friday 24 April 2020 21:56

I guess you're not the only one "driving someone home," if you know what I mean ;)

Comments

By bloopaloop | 27

#7900449 - Friday 24 April 2020 20:23

YDI, you should have been better in bed.

Reply

Sagar Nair | 11

#7900473 - Friday 24 April 2020 21:58

That was a joke right?

By Amanda Howard | 9

#7900450 - Friday 24 April 2020 20:27

sorry you lost a friend and boyfriend the same day

By RichardPencil | 28

#7900472 - Friday 24 April 2020 21:56

I guess you're not the only one "driving someone home," if you know what I mean ;)

By KingAdrock | 15

#7906982 - Monday 18 May 2020 7:22

But was he top or bottom?