Money and Transportation: Today, I finished a repair on my trailer. About twenty miles...

By mustanggt - 02/10/2017 10:00 - United States - Utica

Today, I finished a repair on my trailer. About twenty miles down the road, one of the joints gave out and the whole thing broke on the freeway, scattering lumber and splinters everywhere. The traffic cop called me the worst carpenter in the whole state. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 694

You deserved it 962

Money Transportation

The smell detective is on the case

Kids these days…

Drugs are bad, well, some of them

By Anonymous - 01/08/2011 08:32 - Australia

Today, I found out why my cups of tea have been tasting a bit funny. It turns out my kettle is full of ants, so every time I boil water to make tea, the ants get re-boiled along with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 500

You deserved it 17 519

By audied - 04/01/2010 21:26 - United States

Today, I noticed the woman I've been sleeping with for over 2 years never lets me see her naked during sex. I confronted her about it and she replied, "I don't care if you see me naked. I was just leaving the lights off the whole time so I don't have to see you naked." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 182

You deserved it 4 572

By gettingacat - 17/12/2009 14:32 - United States

Today, I set up a miniature nativity scene in my apartment. Three hours ago, my dog decided it would be a good idea to eat baby Jesus. Two hours ago, the vet laughed and said not to worry because I would 'have him back in time for Christmas'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 791

You deserved it 5 588

By I_dislike_Twilight - 08/09/2011 12:52 - United States

Today, my wife showed me what was missing in our marriage with a Twilight video montage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 316

You deserved it 4 686

By whatevershit - 13/05/2012 06:28 - United States - Theodore

Today, it was my wedding day. The best part was when we were taking photos and I threw up on my dress. At least the pictures were outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 244

You deserved it 2 991

Good deeds

By dhdyvifjdksk - 26/01/2020 03:00 - United States

Today, I donated blood and the nurse said: "God blesses good deeds", when I get home, my mom tells me that we have to sell the house because we're broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 113

You deserved it 129

By RedWaters - 06/03/2013 20:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started coming onto me, despite me being on my period. He said it was okay, and we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread my legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy, I did. He then yelled, "I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA!" and broke down in laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 385

You deserved it 15 853

By Anonymous - 20/02/2015 21:26 - United States - Moorpark

Today, some popped-collar wearing shitbird tried to pick me up with the line, "You look like Marilyn Monroe's corpse! Wanna fuck?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 936

You deserved it 2 751

By lover21 - 08/05/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, while working at my tanning salon, a woman came in and I put her in a booth, which are all stand up. After she comes out, I go in to clean it and realize that floor is all wet. I questioned her about it and she replies, "Oh, I peed, that's not a drain?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 610

You deserved it 2 845

By sarahijklmnop - 15/11/2012 01:04 - United States - Louisville

Today, I started at my first job. Within the first five minutes of arriving, I was followed around by a white guy who repeatedly sang to me, "Black people love making music" along with a few of his own songs. It resulted in me getting fired for bringing my "boyfriend" to work. I didn't even know him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 050

You deserved it 2 005

By lovelychris - 16/12/2012 19:15 - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, my "friends" set me up on a blind date with a guy who according to their description, sounded perfect in just about every way. He turned out to be my obsessive ex, and this is their idea of a funny prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 285

You deserved it 3 338

By stpry of my life - 27/02/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my 5 year old niece, and she was really down in the dumps because she didn't get invited to a birthday party. To cheer her up, I took her to Chuck E Cheese. Right when we arrived, we walked in on a birthday party. It was the one that my niece got denied from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 922

You deserved it 6 973

Get on with it

By Anonymous - 02/09/2011 22:20 - United States

Today, I went to a baseball game. On the way in, I managed to trip and get stuck in the turnstile. It took five minutes of flailing and twisting around in front of hundreds of people before I managed to pull myself out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 491

You deserved it 4 589

By Anonymous - 04/01/2011 20:28 - United States

Today, I hit a parked car which was sticking out in the road and practically unavoidable. I left a note on the windshield saying, "You deserved to get hit - you park like an asshole." Later I realized that the paper I tore to write on was the back of my bank statement, name and address included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 483

You deserved it 79 649

By SchoolFMLs - 27/02/2014 18:30 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I was supposed to be studying for an important exam. My parents decided to make me go to a surprise birthday party instead. We weren't allowed to leave until the party was over. The party was for the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 166

You deserved it 3 828

By AmihayG - 27/03/2012 16:32 - Israel

Today, as I was riding the bus, a lady told her daughter to sit next to me. She looked at me and started to scream and cry in horror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 041

You deserved it 2 864

By takinabreak - 10/07/2009 17:03 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower and I saw a new body wash that said "radiance ribbons." That sounded a little effeminate, but it smelled manly enough and the only alternative was normal soap, so I used it. Just now, I stepped out into the sun and found out what "radiance ribbons" means. I sparkle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 786

You deserved it 33 481

Hush

By bitchyhiccups - 19/03/2012 13:14 - United States - Tempe

Today, I got a horrible case of the hiccups while at my friend's mother's funeral, resulting in me squeaking loudly every five seconds during the eulogy. My friend glared daggers at me until I left the room, then later accused me of being an insensitive bitch for "trying to ruin the funeral." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 281

You deserved it 4 485

By Sigh - 19/02/2013 17:13 - United Kingdom - Waltham Abbey

Today, a woman strapped her 8-year-old son into the seat next to me on a transatlantic flight. Thinking they'd been unable to book seats together, I offered to swap seats with her. She said she'd booked it this way intentionally, because he's a "fucking brat" on flights. She was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 819

You deserved it 2 597

Cassius

By Noname - 11/03/2009 06:04 - United States

Today, I went on my porch for a late night cigarette. When I opened the door and took one step inside, all I remember is a big thud. I woke up 5 minutes later with my father over top of me saying, "Nice right hook, huh?" Then he chuckled. He thought I was a burglar and he knocked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 357

You deserved it 9 445

By Anonymous - 11/05/2019 02:00

Today, I noticed a spot on my leg that I wanted a closer look at. I went to put my phone screen towards it for more lighting while my sister was in front of me, looking. I'm pretty sure she saw my nude that I forgot was on the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 608

You deserved it 2 272

By UghNo - 14/02/2017 06:00 - United States - Clarkston

Today, my first client as a freelancer screamed at me and threw a notebook at my head. I quit my job to become a freelancer because my boss would often scream and throw things at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 374

You deserved it 574

By Anonymous - 12/11/2009 20:34 - Canada

Today, my roommate's boyfriend moved in. I'm in love with him. Now I get to live with the happy couple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 032

You deserved it 9 622

By kharrington - 07/04/2011 17:30 - United States

Today, a woman called my work and accused me of having an affair with her husband, my coworker, demanding that my boss discipline me. I don't know her, I barely know her husband, and I haven't had sex in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 510

You deserved it 3 513

"Tubular Bells" starts playing…

By Anonymous - 16/07/2021 22:01

Today, my husband is terminal and insisted on making his last confession. Long story short, the priest came out pale and sweating and told me, in no uncertain terms, that my husband is definitely going to Hell, but won’t tell me why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 513

You deserved it 87

By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 15:22 - United States - Yukon

Today, I spent over $20 at the laundromat doing two weeks of laundry, just to avoid using the facilities in my apartment complex and having to deal with my creepy landlord trying to steal my underwear again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 459

You deserved it 1 602

By ohdamn - 22/09/2009 11:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist. I parked my car in what I thought was the dentist's car park. It was actually the car park for the business next door. I had to watch them clamp my car from the dentist's chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 675

You deserved it 6 783

By LennyComa - 19/03/2017 00:00

Today, I was punched in the balls by a monkey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 514

You deserved it 915

By Myballshurt - 03/08/2013 04:31 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I learned a few things. One: friends are assholes. Two: under no circumstance do you close your eyes when they ask you to. Three: getting kicked in the balls hurts a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 371

You deserved it 22 099

By rejected - 23/04/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, my friends and I were celebrating Spring Break by going out to a club. I saw a very, very cute girl sipping a drink at the bar all by herself. Trying to be a stud I walked over and said "What are you doing Friday night?" Her response: "Not you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 132

You deserved it 79 195

The Hulk

By anonymous - 03/05/2020 05:00

Today, I found out that my $1000 anger management course had no effect on me when I smashed a picture frame. Why? I had run out of toothpaste. FML

I agree, your life sucks 654

You deserved it 1 617

By CierraJordan - 14/03/2012 11:31 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my friend that the world did not used to be black and white. It was just the pictures that were. She still doesn't believe me. She's eighteen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 093

You deserved it 2 707

By poop - 18/05/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, at work, I decided to try and impress this girl walking behind me by holding the door open for her. As she was walking through, I inadvertently pulled the door too hard. It slammed against the wall and ricochet back, hitting her right in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 558

You deserved it 19 473

By Jane - 24/11/2011 13:57 - Australia

Today, at the point of orgasm, my boyfriend screamed out, "Is this all there is?!" then rolled over and stared blankly at the ceiling without speaking for ages. This happens a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 731

You deserved it 6 196

By Jacoobic - 05/07/2019 20:00

Today, I bought an expensive, heat-resistant double-sided tape to attach my dashcam to the windshield. It didn't last five hours, but has stuck nicely to the floor mat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 500

You deserved it 146

By Anon - 19/12/2009 16:07 - United States

Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop and I noticed that there was a bug on the guys face in front of me. Trying to be nice I lightly smacked it off. His reaction was to punch me in the face. Repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 510

You deserved it 46 471

By Bonnie and Clyde - 08/05/2015 02:18 - United States - Humble

Today, my boyfriend and I got busted by a cop for having sex in his car. When the cop sent us on our way, we went home and the garage was open, so we called the cops thinking someone was in the home. No one was in the house, and we got the same cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 770

You deserved it 9 199

By livin - 11/09/2009 06:10 - United States

Today, I found out that on Wednesday, when I have 2 exams, I'm called to testify in court. If I go to court, I cannot make the exams. If I take the exams, I'll be held in contempt and arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 082

You deserved it 5 910

By Puppy Loverr - 25/08/2011 07:12 - Australia

Today, I was getting a bit intimate with my boyfriend. Just when things were getting interesting, my dog managed to get into my room. He jumped on the bed and my boyfriend spent the next 20 minutes playing with the dog, while I sat next to him, half naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 333

You deserved it 4 808

Too soon

By Anonymous - 22/09/2010 19:22 - Chile

Today, I finally quit my job after talking with a friend about making our own design/multimedia company. While I was on my way to his house, he called me and told me not to quit because he got an awesome job offer and couldn't refuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 160

You deserved it 7 901

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Top comments

Tripartita 44

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Monday 2 October 2017 16:31

“And I would know! My capacity as a traffic cop entitles me to judge carpentry. There’s a lot of commonality between noticing how fast somebody is driving and knowing when somebody is a good carpenter. Yep!”

exileonmainst 16

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Monday 2 October 2017 17:31

Hey, on the bright side that means there are potentially 49 worse carpenters in the country!

Comments

Tripartita 44

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Monday 2 October 2017 16:31

bartsj1988 7

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Wednesday 4 October 2017 4:53

Right because there's a rule in society that states that people are only allowed one profession.

Coda James Matthew Blanchard 8

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Monday 2 October 2017 16:50

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

pjsr 32

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Monday 2 October 2017 17:51

Retard should never be used as an insult.

exileonmainst 16

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Monday 2 October 2017 17:31

Hey, on the bright side that means there are potentially 49 worse carpenters in the country!

Lobby_Bee 17

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Monday 2 October 2017 19:09

Better stick to wood and leave everything else for other professionals. It's better to be good a one thing, than being an moron in a hundred things.

BasedLink421 2

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Monday 2 October 2017 20:25

Sounds like something straight out of a cartoon.

mt21mt 15

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Tuesday 3 October 2017 4:51

Well, I guess, at least nobody was killed due to your incompetence.

tonyfan00 38

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Wednesday 4 October 2017 2:40

Who wood have guessed? The cop birched at you for a bad repair. Next time you need something fixed, make sure you have a professional tree-ple check your work. It will likely save your ash in the future!