Today, when I was unpacking all of my stuff, my parents declared that they are going to live in Australia, and have found me a 'friend'. I am a 14 year old girl at boarding school, and my friend is my new foster mum. FML
Today, is the 6 month anniversary of my boyfriend and I. Turns out next month he will be celebrating the 3 year anniversary of him and his wife. FML
Today, I went to an interview for a job I really wanted and am qualified for. I've been looking for months. This job was perfect; close to home and great pay. Needless to say I spent quite a while preparing. Everything was going great until I had to sneeze, which forced out a loud, long fart. FML
Today, it was really cold and windy and I started my car before work. I locked the front door of my house and shut it behind me to leave. The wind was blowing and all my hair got shut in my locked front door... with my keys in my car's ignition. FML
wheels tells us more.
im not blonde... the door locked from the inside and the keys were on a key ring that was already in my car's ignition (i have a really old car and when i start it up and just go, it shakes).. after standing there a minute like "o damn" i slowly pulled my hair out and it hurt pretty bad and there was still quite a bit stuck in the door.. it sucked
Today, while getting ready to welcome my first child into the world, my father in law decided to "help out" and threw out a bunch of papers I needed. Like my child's application for a health card, social insurance number, and my birth plan, as well as instructions from my doctor. FML
Today, my grandma gave me a sex talk. Not the usual one, either. This one was about blowjobs. I had to sit politely as she explained it's something all women have to learn if they want a well-behaved husband, but that it's an "acquired taste." Gag me. FML
Today, after I took my first set of exams, my professor posted on Twitter, scoffing at how stupid one student's answer was. The answer he quoted was one that I wrote. FML
Today, my mom and dad played rock, paper, scissors over who gets to spend the night with me in the hospital tonight while I have surgery. FML
Today, my husband got mad at me for not helping take out the groceries from the car. He yelled that I'm lazy, and that he regrets our marriage. I guess he forgot that the door handle on that side is broken and he had to let me out of the car. FML
Today, my parents thought it would be appropriate to tell my girlfriend that I used to stick my penis in a sock puppet and talk to it when I was younger. FML
Today, I was just about to get in the shower, when I heard a loud crunch. I thought to myself, boy the neighbours next door must be doing some heavy construction. Two seconds after that thought, my brother knocked on the door to inform me that the neighbours tree had just fallen on my car. FML
Today, I was on a bus and a man was feeling up my butt. I was just about to step on his foot when the bus stopped and he slipped out. Only then did I realize he'd stolen my wallet. FML
Today, I had my first real date with my first serious boyfriend. I was nervous because from past experience. I learned my lips were a bit ticklish and I usually giggled a bit during kissing. Well, we started making out and I thought was I doing pretty good hiding my laughs. Until I wet myself. FML
Today, I was home alone while my mom went out to dinner. I decided to hop in the shower, and I noticed my mom left her douche in there. After, I texted her telling her what I found and that it was gross. Her response? "It's not gross. It came from my vagina, like you and your sister." FML
Today, I found out that my family has a bet on how long I will be single for. FML
Today, the tickets I bought for my favorite band's concert arrived in the mail. The concert was last night. FML
MsConfusedd tells us more.
MsConfusedd 27
Although these posts certainly aMuse me, there's No Doubt I'm still pissed. The Postal Service in These United States is so bad even Twenty One Pilots couldn't get the tickets to my Neighbourhood on time. The Maine point is that my Simple Plan to see my favorite band was ruined by the Hooligans working as mail men. That's Sum 41 dollars wasted. I Solemnly Swear that this was my All Time Low and next time there's a concert I'll print tickets to make sure I can have Fun.. My tickets will be printed by the time I blink-182 times. Even though it Hurts that I missed my concert, thank you guys for making me LMFAO, this is the best comment thread ever!
Today, I went on a romantic date to the mountains to look a stars with a boy I just met. We started kissing and he stopped, asking if it was rude for him to take me home now. After getting dropped off, he texted me saying we could never do that again and we should never talk about it. FML
Today, I couldn't find my vibrator. After searching for an hour I decided to ask my husband. He quickly shook his head no. We've been married for ten years. I know when he's lying. FML
Today, while riding in the car with my friends, we stopped at a red light. To our left, a very obese, middle aged man slowly unbuttoned his shirt and spread it out. He then stared at us while massaging his nipples with his thumb and index fingers for the duration of the red light. FML
Today, my mom paid $40 for overnight shipping on delivery of paint for my Art major dropout sister, but insists on making me wait two weeks for my diabetes medication. FML
Today, I realized the annoying squealing I hear every night isn't my guinea pig. Apparently my brother's girlfriend makes that sound when they have sex. FML
Today, I had a note to skip P.E. that my grandpa had written because my mom was busy. His handwriting is terrible, so they didn't believe that he'd written it. I'd twisted my ankle and I got to run another mile for "lying". FML
Today, I logged on to MSN for the first time in a month. In under 10 minutes, I found out that my little sister had changed my screen name to Jake the Weiner, told my friend that he should "suck my d***" and sent an email to all my contacts declaring my love for my best friend. FML
Today, I was being shown how to use a nail gun while applying for a job at a construction company. The instructor shot me in the arm with it. I didn't even get the job. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to buy me a "magic wand". Being a Harry Potter fanatic, I assumed he meant a replica wand. It turns out he actually meant a Magic Wand vibrator. I was more excited about the HP wand. FML
Today, thanks to an efficient diet, I reached my target weight. Unfortunately, my chest has disappeared. My boyfriend suggested we have a funeral for my bras. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge argument while driving home from visiting family. We pulled into a gas station, and I went inside to grab a drink and cool down. When I came back out, both car and boyfriend were nowhere in sight. It was my car. FML
marcranger tells us more.
marcranger 28
This actually happened a couple years ago, and to answer everyone's implied questions, yes he is now my ex, yes this incident was the catalyst, yes I called the cops, and yes I got the car back! After standing outside for a few seconds with my jaw flapping in the wind, then realizing my phone was in the car to top everything else off, I went back inside and had the attendant dial the local cops. Since I knew the make, model, license plate, and rough direction where the cockhole was going, it was pretty easy to track down. He did have the audacity to call me and ask (demand, actually) that I bail his ass out, but I laughed and hung up. I ultimately wound up dropping the charges, since his parents are very well-connected in their hometown, and I knew the lawyer they got him would have been able to get him off on probation or something equally pathetic. But mostly I dropped them because the family was wealthy and vindictive enough that I could have seen them suing me (!!!) to get back the cost of the lawyer's fees, and once it was all said and done, I just wanted a clean break. He had some mental health issues (depression, alcoholism, longtime unemployment) going on way before this, and I'd been weighing my options for getting out for a while. At least his real-life GTA5 enactment gave me the chance I needed!
Today, my fish's tank was all green and nasty, but I had no time to clean it because I woke up late, so the job was left to my mom. When I came back, the water level seemed high, and the fish looked a little strange, so I asked my mom what she did. She said "I cleaned the tank with chlorine!" FML
Today, I was turned down from the dream job that I was promised two years ago, once my chemo and radiation therapy was finished. His excuse? He never actually expected me to survive. FML
Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my family. Over the next hour, a huge religious debate erupted, and my grandfather drunkenly told us all how he almost killed himself once while experimenting with auto-erotic asphyxiation. My boyfriend called us all crazy and seems to have dumped me. FML
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