Today, while riding in the car with my friends, we stopped at... - FML

By Scarred - 4/9/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, while riding in the car with my friends, we stopped at a red light. To our left, a very obese, middle aged man slowly unbuttoned his shirt and spread it out. He then stared at us while massaging his nipples with his thumb and index fingers for the duration of the red light. FML

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Dangling modifier

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Vultures

By Fractured - 31/3/2012 01:43 - United States

Today, I fractured a bone in my knee. Now not only do I have to wear a huge knee brace for the next two months, I'll have to sit around in a hotel room all of next week while my family has fun skiing in the mountains. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2012 12:12 - United States

Today, the guy I've been madly in love with for ages finally asked me out. I excitedly said yes. I waited a half an hour for him to show up, with another girl and say, "Where's your date?" I was asked to go on a double date, but apparently he forgot to tell me. FML

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By Alice - 28/8/2013 10:33 - United States - Happy Valley

Today, my neighbor's daughter started learning how to play the trombone. FML

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By karaokestar - 23/4/2009 04:42 - Canada

Today, I sang my signature tune at a karaoke bar - What A Wonderful World - and I thought I sounded my best yet. After my performance, I went outside to get some air. Then, I got assaulted in the parking lot and ended up going to the hospital. What a wonderful world indeed. FML

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By Cheesey_Dorito - 28/9/2018 15:30

Today, it has been 57 hours since I have last had food. The fridge is empty. The freezer is empty. The pantry is empty. Even my bank account is empty because my pay has been delayed. Again. FML

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By CrapDay - 18/1/2017 22:00

Today, I woke up early in the morning when it was still dark to go off to work. I saw what looked like a piece of slime that my children would play with and went to pick it up. Nope. Turns out it was puppy shit. Wet, slimy puppy waste. FML

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By oliveoyl - 23/7/2011 04:05 - United States

Today, my husband, who is in the Navy, had a couple of his sailor friends over to hang out. The stereotype about their swearing is true. My two year old now won't stop saying "Fuck." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 02:02 - United States

Today, I went to the hospital for a scan. The tech went wide-eyed and stared at his screen in horror before realizing I could see him. He wouldn't tell me what he saw, apparently only my doctor is allowed to do that. So now I have to wait for god knows how long to get my results back. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2012 21:19 - Virgin Islands British

Today, I saw a picture of my creepy uncle and me on Facebook, which he had captioned "me and my woman," and posted several lewd comments on. I guess he forgot I'm his friend on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2013 06:03 - Australia - Wantirna

Today, I was late to a lecture when I tripped up the stairs. With a few hundred people already staring and laughing at me, I started to curtsy to my "adoring fans" but instead fell backwards down the massive flight of stairs. FML

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By jessybear777 - 15/2/2015 03:41 - United States - Branson

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I'm extremely uncomfortable with eye contact, but he kept staring into my eyes the entire time. I had to sing the F.U.N. song from Spongebob in my head to stop myself having an anxiety attack. FML

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By LearnToLive - 15/5/2012 15:59

Today, I'm on a trip to Poland with some friends. We came to experience the country's culture, and to challenge our preconceptions about this part of Europe. We had sat on a bench, and not ten seconds later, a stranger approached and asked, "How much for your friend?" FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 16:00

Spider-man

Today, I tried to catch a spider in a glass. It was on the paper and I wanted it to fall into the glass, but I moved the paper the wrong way, screeched like a banshee and flung the glass at the floor. I was barefoot. FML

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By DuhSteven - 6/6/2012 17:04 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I had my first ever shift at the zoo. My job is to explain the characteristics and habits of various animals to the visitors. A five-year-old outsmarted me while I was talking about lions. FML

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By amandanoelle - 9/10/2016 06:42 - United States - Hot Springs National Park

Today, I realized how stagnant my life has become when, while eating some leftover salad with crackers I'd left out the night before, I decided to open some new crackers and put them with the stale, and giggled to myself about the excitement of "cracker roulette." FML

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By Sierra Madre - 20/10/2019 04:00

Time for an intervention

Today, I got yelled at all day at work, only to come home and get yelled at by my husband. FML

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By Jessika - 7/8/2009 09:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I finished a ballet class with a group of seven-and-unders. Afterwards, a new student's mother came up to me and thanked me, saying she was glad that her daughter had a "role model with a, ahem, fuller figure" and "not to worry about my weight." I have never thought I was fat before. FML

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By anonymus - 18/8/2009 16:33 - United States

Today, I asked a woman where her beautiful accent was from. The woman stared at me for a while. Then her daughter told me that the reason her mother talked like that was because she had a stroke a few months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2012 23:59 - United Kingdom - Eastbourne

Today, I went to a big job interview. Everything went well at first, with the interviewer being impressed by my CV. I was then interrogated over not having a Facebook account, and practically accused of being a criminal, because people without them "always have something to hide". FML

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By Kaylz - 7/3/2016 04:35 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was given a $100 cookbook as a gift by a co-worker. The man who shares a desk with me didn't realise it was mine, as he was at lunch when I got it, so he decided to give it to my boss when he walked in. My boss is refusing to return it. FML

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By Phobia - 29/12/2017 15:00

Today, thanks to my new anti-anxiety meds, I am finally no longer agoraphobic. Today also marks 5 weeks of constant diarrhea due to the same meds. Guess who's not leaving the house anytime soon. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2020 23:10

Great guy

Today, my husband has been super happy for the last 11 weeks, as he's been able to tell me what to do, when to do it and how to do it. Now I'm allowed to start work again, he's gone back to being super shitty. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2012 11:27 - Israel

Today, I bought my son a nice car for his 18th birthday. When I gave it to him, he just got mad and told me that if I really wanted to spend that much money on him, I should've used it to help him pay for college. FML

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By itsellie27 - 30/4/2013 22:23 - United Kingdom - London

Today, through sheer luck, I got talking to an actor from the Harry Potter films who I've had a crush on since I was about ten. I tried to play it cool, and pretend I didn't know who he was. Then my phone rang, with the Harry Potter theme tune. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2015 10:57 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Today, I was clipping my nails. When I got to my toenail, the whole thing somehow ripped right out. I'm in agony. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2011 20:31 - United States

Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML

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By Mrs. W. - 11/8/2015 00:32 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, a kid on a bike passed me and commented on my "big fat butt." Recognizing him from the neighborhood, I told my husband to go speak to his parents about the inappropriate comment. It turns out his father is the man who yesterday commented on my "big bouncing tits." FML

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By Cristie - 30/9/2011 05:01 - Canada

Today, as I was training a new guy at work, my husband spent half the day creeping outside in his truck. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2015 05:45 - United States - Ossining

Today, we buried my mom. I walked past my sister's husband just in time to hear him mutter: "Hope the fire's nice and hot down there, you old hag." I told my sister. She wouldn't believe me and accused me of trying to start drama. FML

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By comedybreak - 30/10/2011 16:31 - United States

Today, my doctor told me that the reason I'm losing my eyesight is because I'm straining my eyes, and that the best thing for me to do is to limit my time in front of computers. I spent years in college to get my current job which involves sitting in front of computers. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2020 05:30

Stay safe, stay home

Today, my professor gave me a huge lecture in front of the class about showing up sick, about how I was endangering the lives of other students, and kicked me out of class. As I left, everyone applauded. I'm not sick, but suffering for horrible allergies. FML

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By jamiedevin - 6/11/2010 04:04 - United States

Today, I was feeling really sick when I was with my boyfriend at the park. When we were walking, I got really dizzy and collapsed. My boyfriend didn't catch me. His mom took me to the hospital. While I was being poked with needles, he was at home playing COD. FML

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By holly - 18/7/2010 14:18 - Germany

Today, I was practising the violin in my apartment. A man knocked on the door and introduced himself with a smile, saying he wanted to know my "schedule." I replied, "I'm pretty busy but maybe we could get a drink sometime." To which he replied, "No, I just want to know when you'll stop." FML

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By Tingly - 16/8/2010 03:12 - United States

Today, I realized that that tingly feeling on my face when I put a new combination of acne wash, acne medication, and my usual moisturizer on was not, in fact, "it working." It was slowly peeling away the top layer of skin. I look and feel sunburned. I also still have acne and oily skin. FML

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By Coley - 29/1/2009 22:46 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to talk about my depression and low self-esteem. He told me that I shouldn't think of myself as a fat pig for being overweight. I don't think that and I'm NOT overweight. FML

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By Nick - 27/11/2009 10:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML

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By lamponau - 9/11/2008 11:26 - France

Today, my 6-year-old son said to me, "You smell nice daddy." Surprised but flattered, I thanked him. He then added, "I like the smell of cheese!'" FML

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By Mothering - 11/7/2011 09:25 - Australia

Today, I took my 16 year-old daughter to get a bank account, taking her birth certificate with us as requested. When the teller wrote her name down on a piece of paper, my daughter said "How do you know my name?" The teller just looked at her and held up her birth certificate. I raised a nitwit. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2016 20:36 - United States - Denver

Today, I got a new skin cream for my acne. I tested it on a small patch of skin just to make sure I wasn't allergic. I was, and the reaction didn't stay on that small patch of skin. My left arm is now almost entirely covered in a horrible rash. FML

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By singingintherain - 1/7/2017 20:00

Today, ever since my boyfriend has seen A Clockwork Orange, he always suggests that we have sex by asking, "How about a little of the good old in-out-in-out?" and refers to his genitals as, "Yarbles". He seriously doesn't understand why this turns me off every time and our sex life has sunk. FML

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Top comments

By 24788 | 6

#538669 - Friday 4 September 2009 12:11

And people told me my reverse tinted windows were a bad idea...

By Artanias | 0

#538678 - Friday 4 September 2009 12:15

Bwahahahahahaha, thats so awesome, the obese guy is instantly my favourite person in the world.
Also FYL indeed, even if i think what the guy did is brilliant :P

COMMENTS

By AdmanRulz | 0

#538639 - Friday 4 September 2009 12:03

Gross!

Reply

WTFLMFAO | 0

#538718 - Friday 4 September 2009 12:36

Wow and you were totally watching this prev massage his man boobs
gd for u

you could look away you know!

Reply

Ret_fml | 0

#539369 - Friday 4 September 2009 20:39

Wait, you're saying it's normal for gross, fat guys to be acting like disgusting perverts around you in public?
Well, it's a good sign that either OP or her friends are attractive, but I still definately think her life is fucked. Who really *wants* to see that? He needs to keep it to himself. Ew.

Reply

NamelessNeko | 13

#539901 - Saturday 5 September 2009 1:52

OP is listed as a guy.
Which makes this even funnier, IMHO.

Reply

filip_fml | 0

#540695 - Saturday 5 September 2009 11:45

OP is a woman

Reply

ghostgirll | 0

#542541 - Sunday 6 September 2009 3:29

that's weird, on the FML website it says OP is a man, but when you click on the FML it changes to woman.

Reply

nolasaints | 0

#923931 - Monday 8 March 2010 4:20

hawt

Reply

Awesome_Guy2468 | 0

#3357975 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 2:56

I laughed so hard at this

Reply

motoxracer156 | 5

#5125924 - Wednesday 7 November 2012 23:50

Lucky you! People pay to see that kinda stuff!

By PumpkinTarte | 0

#538640 - Friday 4 September 2009 12:03

Sounds yummy.

Reply

nightmaree_fml | 0

#1611165 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 15:09

Ikr

By AdmanRulz | 0

#538644 - Friday 4 September 2009 12:03

Gross

By Arcterion | 0

#538645 - Friday 4 September 2009 12:04

What. :|

Reply

heyitsdiamond | 5

#3346302 - Monday 26 September 2011 0:27

That is just disgusting

By plexico | 3

#538667 - Friday 4 September 2009 12:10

Are you sure it was a man? Were you anywhere in the vicinity of a Victoria's Secret? There have been reports of manly women hanging out there.

Talk about scarred for life.

Reply

aback | 4

#538795 - Friday 4 September 2009 13:38

That's what I was going to suggest. We've had several posts lately about women being mistaken for men. Gee, and to think the OP could have got lucky.

By 24788 | 6

#538669 - Friday 4 September 2009 12:11

And people told me my reverse tinted windows were a bad idea...

Reply

Stupidpoorpeople | 0

#538738 - Friday 4 September 2009 12:50

we...we didn't listen....WE DIDN'T LISTEN!!!!!!!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!

By Artanias | 0

#538678 - Friday 4 September 2009 12:15

Bwahahahahahaha, thats so awesome, the obese guy is instantly my favourite person in the world.
Also FYL indeed, even if i think what the guy did is brilliant :P

Reply

ISeeStarsBitchh | 0

#539836 - Saturday 5 September 2009 1:22

Bahaha. Ditttooo. That dude is pure genius. This fml pretty much made my night...maybe even my week =]

By deliapearl | 0

#538680 - Friday 4 September 2009 12:15

damned sexxie!!!

By rotyeqnor | 0

#538681 - Friday 4 September 2009 12:15

might not be a pretty sight, but why is this an fml?

Reply

kukopia | 0

#539010 - Friday 4 September 2009 16:40

So you're saying you WANT to see this happen... good to know... about YOU.

By Trollkiller | 0

#538683 - Friday 4 September 2009 12:17

looks Luke somebody got free live Porno !
I bet u enjoyed the fat man trying to woo u.