Money: Today, I was on a bus and a man was feeling up my butt. I was...

By Nicked - Israel

Today, I was on a bus and a man was feeling up my butt. I was just about to step on his foot when the bus stopped and he slipped out. Only then did I realize he'd stolen my wallet. FML

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Money

Serious times

Triage

Sister of the year

By - 10/2/2020 01:00

Where it is?

Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the deed when she suddenly said, "Hold on babe, I think my nose ring fell out." After she couldn't find it for a minute, she said "I'm sure it's on the bed somewhere." Immediately after that, she yelled, "OH MY GOD I JUST SWALLOWED IT." FML

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By Anonymous - Isle of Man

Today, I was lying on the sofa when the phone rang. I jumped up to answer in time. I knocked over my laptop, and kicked my guitar into a glass causing it to smash. It was a wrong number. FML

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By hearingthings - Australia - Perth

Today, in a drunken, depressed state I thought I heard my deceased mother trying to make contact with me from beyond the grave. It took me a moment to realise that the soft voice was from the music my neighbours were playing. FML

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By petmosch

Today, I came up with the idea of pranking my girlfriend by telling her that I knew she was cheating on me. She then apologized. FML

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By undanya__four - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, my boyfriend told me he's prepared to commit to marriage, but only if I buy my own ring and tell everyone he surprised me with it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my daughter told me her tummy hurt, but I assumed she was lying because she hates visiting grandma. About 20 minutes into the car ride, she got excited and said, "Mum my tummy doesn’t hurt anymore!" About 10 seconds later the smell filled the car right up to the roof. It was diarrhoea. FML

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By PhantomKitty - United States - Saint Albans

Today, I called in about a job application I put in over a week ago. Apparently, the branch of the company that I applied to was never given my information, and the position was filled days ago. I've been checking the status of the position online daily, and it still says that it's open. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for a sports physical. I've had a giant, dark birthmark on my left rib cage that I've hated most of my life. Recently I've learned to embrace it and show it off by wearing bikinis. My doctor saw it today and told me it's a fungus that's been spreading on my side all my life. FML

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By Criminal - United States

Today, I got a speeding ticket. I wrote a check, and on the way to deposit my fine, I got another one. I put both fines in a box down town, and I turned around to see a cop putting a parking ticket under my wind-shield wiper. FML

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By Man vs. Spider - United States

Today, my house was the only house left that still had its Christmas lights up, so I decided to take them down. Almost done, my fingers brushed over a spiderweb. Startled, I jumped off the ladder and broke my shoulder. Oh, and the spider still managed to stay on my hand, giving me a panic attack. FML

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By smashed - United States

Today, I bought my nephew some giant green Incredible Hulk fists for his birthday. He thanked me by Hulk-smashing me in the nuts. FML

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By notready - Australia

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend at a dinner with our two families. Not only did she flatly reject me, my dad said, "Good call. He's not ready." FML

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By birgz

Today, my roommates sent a relationship request to my one night stand with my Facebook account. She accepted, and sent me a long message confessing her love for me. I can't remember her. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML

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By Clader - France

Today, it's 2:23 in the morning, and my drunken girlfriend has just rung me up from a party where she's the only girl there. She seems to be having a great time. FML

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By Richard - France

Today, there was a new and extremely attractive girl at youth group, so I decided to introduce myself. Her reply was, "Wow, I've always wanted to meet a gay guy!" FML

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By uncoretard

Today, I was trying out for my school's athletics team. As I reached the finish line for the 100m sprint, there was so much momentum I couldn't stop. I ended up running into a wall. FML

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By lakatkat - United States

Today, I found out on facebook that my supposed best friend bought a concert ticket to a show. The concert ticket was the exact same amount as the plane ticket she told me she couldn't afford to come see me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I turned 17. My parents completely forgot it was my birthday, and when I reminded them, my dad thought it was my 18th. He was ecstatic and mentioned that I can "finally get the hell out." FML

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By Anonymous

The Graduate

Today, I graduated with my Bachelor's degree. The excitement didn't last too long because I broke my elbow by tripping over a stick at my graduation dinner. Definitely not intoxicated, just clumsy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lehi

Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML

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By nkotz - United States

Today, I felt like going to the gym. I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to come with me. She screamed at me for supposedly implying that she's fat. No, I just wanted to go to the gym with someone. FML

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By "Boyufd"

Today, I almost got arrested. The cops put me in handcuffs without searching me first and told me that I "matched" the description of a package thief. Turns out, I didn't even closely fit the description of the suspect. FML

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By alison - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. All the magic vanished when I kept queefing every time he thrust into me. We made it about 10 seconds before he broke down into hysterical laughter and lost his boner. FML

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By left out - United States - Spencer

Today, I sang "happy birthday" to my best friend. Sadly, it was while waitressing at work, where they were having a celebration I hadn't been invited to in the first place. FML

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By Mandoune - Finland

Today, I dropped my keys in the drain. Thankfully, my new flat mate generously offered his help to reach the keys via flower pot. FML

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By MikeMorin18 - United States

Today, at work I was talking to a co-worker about what a slacker my manager was, and how all she did was stand around and talk. She was standing behind me the whole time. I now have sore nuts due to a direct hit from a broom handle. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me because he loves toilets. Everyone was sleeping so I went pee but didnt flush. My cat jumped onto the seat and fell in. I had to lift him out and then wash him. He hates water though, so I was scratched by my cat who was dripping with my own pee. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, my sister put a piece of leather in my homemade beef jerkey to prove a point. I ate it. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, I wanted to try my mom's new lipstick. I opened it, baffled, examined it carefully. That's when it started to vibrate. Obviously, that wasn't a lipstick. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone left sticky notes with inspirational messages on everyone's locker. Well, almost everyone. My locker was the only one without a note. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Burnham

Today, I found out why my bank balance is so unusually low. It turns out that I bought a car in Indonesia. I've never been to Indonesia. FML

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By mcdonalds - United States

Today, I dislocated my shoulder. I was screaming and writhing in pain, and my eyes were shut for most of the ride to the hospital. We stopped, and I was thrilled because I thought we were at the ER. I was wrong. My dad had stopped to order a cheeseburger. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a science test. A question asked, "What is the first stage of photosynthesis?" I didn't know, so just trying to be light-hearted, I wrote, "The plant must first believe in itself." My teacher didn't think it was funny, and gave me detention for insulting her intelligence. FML

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By little tooth - France

Today, my wisdom teeth decided to come in. I didn't know that being wise could hurt so much. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2020 08:00

Keep your distance

Today, my roommate told me she had developed a rash on her armpits, which causes them to be itchy. The doctor told her the only way to heal it is to not wear deodorant for a month. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, my mom wouldn't let me go to the YMCA pool with the rest of the family. She said that the sound my thighs make when they rub together is "embarrassing". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. Three hours later, he called me to tell me he was kidding. FML

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By faded as shit - United States

Today, my parents took away my laptop, TV, Xbox, and car all because I broke up with my girlfriend. They said when I patch things up with her, I can have my stuff back. FML

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Top comments

By quioxote | 0

#142370 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:05

A guy was feeling up your butt and your response was to stomp on his foot...but only after the bus stopped? YDI

By curryndricegirll | 0

#142412 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:12

Why would you let him "feel your butt" long enough for him to steal your wallet?

COMMENTS

By itsame123_fml | 0

#142366 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:04

lol wow first comment!!!!!!

By itsame123_fml | 0

#142367 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:04

lol wow first comment!!!!!!

joeyisinsane | 0

#1024283 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 23:19

jizz toenails

sportsmaniak13 | 3

#2727817 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 5:36

actually second, but nice counting

By samxoxoxolala | 0

#142368 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:04

woowwwww

By quioxote | 0

#142370 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:05

A guy was feeling up your butt and your response was to stomp on his foot...but only after the bus stopped? YDI

yaldo_fml | 0

#4082219 - Friday 24 February 2012 17:42

Well she's an Israeli. No morals there.

Grenith | 21

#6217253 - Sunday 1 March 2015 0:30

It was probably as the bus was stopping that he started to feel her up.

By kissicysun | 0

#142375 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:05

sucks
but you should've reacted sooner

chloelovestoswim | 6

#942357 - Saturday 13 March 2010 15:43

obviously she liked it so shedidnt stop him ;) lmao

By ejvlols | 0

#142392 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:09

wow YDI. no seriously, why keep your wallet in your back pocket. keep it in a purse, or if ur a man then keep it somewhere inm your chest pocket

toaster468 | 0

#981691 - Monday 19 April 2010 5:45

I want to feel your butt.

By FBIWarning | 0

#142393 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:09

Must of liked it to allow him to do it for that long, YDI

By youaresofucked | 0

#142405 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:11

idiot

By curryndricegirll | 0

#142412 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:12

Why would you let him "feel your butt" long enough for him to steal your wallet?

By mattmag | 0

#142413 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:12

i never understood why people keep their wallet in their ass pockets. it's like begging to get robbed.