Today, while walking my dog in a cemetery, she stole a stuffed animal off a child's grave and began to play with it. FML
Today, my boss came into the office asked how I was doing and seemed totally normal and happy, then said, "I have to let you go. I heard some bad things about you." He wouldn't tell me what he heard, or from whom. FML
Today, I went out to get some medication and left my dog in the house because it was raining. When I returned, I found the tattered remains of video game cases scattered all over my living room floor. Most of them were limited editions that I'd been borrowing from my brother. FML
girlsncomics tells us more.
Today, I was arrested for kidnapping a child. MY child. Do you know how hard it is as a white man to convince a police officer that a latino toddler screaming, "Stranger danger!" is yours? FML
Today, I was riding my dorm elevator from the 5th floor to the 1st by myself. Since the elevator is really slow, I pulled my pants and underwear down just for kicks. Just then, the door opened to let a girl on at the 4th floor. FML
Today, I got the wristbands in the mail for a music festival in a month and a half. This is my first time going to an event like this and I got overzealous and put it on. Now it's locked tightly on my wrist. I checked online after and it said not to put it on before you arrive at the event. FML
warrior1995 tells us more.
warrior1995 15
Hey guys! OP here, So to start things off, yes i know i'm an idiot... This is the first time i am ever attending an event like this and excitement got the best of me. I didn't really think of the idea that the wristband would lock, i had tried every possible thing to get it off but it was only making it tighter. Thank you to the few of you that were suggesting that twist off method to loosen it but unfortunately this bracelet had an extra piece so the clip itself could not be twisted off. To those of you commenting that it must be an EDM festival i'm attending because "only someone who goes to raves is stupid enough to do something like that" It is not an EDM festival. As for a follow up, I contacted the group on facebook and twitter a couple days ago and they finally got back to me today and told me to contact their support email. The person who responded there told me that i could simply cut off the band and that if i bring in the broken band, my receipt (proof of purchase), and my ID that i will be able to get a replacement at the festival. They also told me i would have to wait in a line for it, which is usually fairly long but there isn't any extra fee for the replacement. I am fine with this because it is a lot better than the alternative of being out the $300+ and not being able to attend this event! Thanks for all the comments guys :)
Today, I tried to impress a group of friends by jumping a set of stairs on my skateboard. I didn't realize the ceiling dropped down towards the bottom of the stairs and knocked myself out. FML
Today, after a week of being tired and depressed, I realized my bottles for anti-depressants and muscle relaxants had gotten switched around. FML
Today, I took a cab ride home from a bar. After a few minutes of horrible driving, I felt sick. The cab driver got so mad she locked me in the car and started driving me to the cops unless I payed her extra. Basically, I paid $120 for a five-minute cab ride. FML
Today, my older boyfriend and I went shopping together. When we arrived at the till, the cashier looked at me and asked, "Is this your pop?" I replied "No, this is my boyfriend, but we get that a lot." She paused, pointed at the case of Coke in the cart and said again, "Is this your pop?" FML
Today, while celebrating at my friend's birthday party, I fell down a flight of stairs, got into a fight with my flatmate, and ruined my friend's outfit after drinking too much. I'm expecting I'll need to find a new place to live tomorrow. FML
Today, my daughter's school called to inform me that I needed to bring her some sneakers. Not feeling like driving the 15 minutes to her school, I told them I was away from town. Then I realized I was on my house phone. FML
Today, I discovered that one of my favourite, relatable sad songs is actually a song about gay sex. FML
Today, while walking down the aisle of a movie theatre, I passed gas so loudly that the audience missed the climax of the film laughing at me. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob. All of a sudden, she stopped and said, "What's that thing at the back of your throat called?" FML
Today, I was unable to connect to the Internet. After calling support, I was informed that due to a cut cable, the whole country will have no service from that provider for some time. The. Whole. Country. FML
Today, I finally got the balls to ask the girl of my dreams out, but all I could talk about was my two cats. FML
Today, I was cleaning out the cabinets under my kitchen sink and I farted with such force that my dog thought someone was knocking at the door. FML
Today, I was at work refreshing the shelves when a man turned the corner and said, very surprised, "You look 12!" A few weeks back, two people did the same thing, only they said I looked 9. I'm almost 21 years old, and just very short. Starting to get just a little self conscious here. FML
Today, I noticed a flashy car badly parking itself in a handicapped space. I hate the asshats who do this, so I went up to berate the driver. After an opening salvo of coarse language, a glint of light on his wheelchair in the back caught my eye. I then had to apologise for being a shitehawk. FML
Today I went to the bus station to pick up a lost phone. Even after calling ahead the day before, I was turned away because I hadn't e-mailed. The website says to call and doesn't list an e-mail. I still don't have the phone. FML
Today, as I was laying on the bottom part of my bunk bed, I noticed a beam on the underside of the top bunk that seemed to have no place being there, so I tried to find out what it was. I soon discovered it was to support the bed after it promptly collapsed on me. FML
Today, I went with my girlfriend to the airport for some much needed vacation time. We arrived on time but were stopped at the gate when they told me I didn't have the right passport. The plane left without me. My girlfriend did too. FML
Today, my music students began a lively debate about whether or not a music stand would make a good weapon for the zombie apocalypse. What am I teaching them? FML
Today, after dropping my phone in the toilet, I left it dismantled outside in my backyard to dry hoping it could be saved. I forgot about the phone as well as the sprinklers that were scheduled to go off. FML
Today, I got a new employee. She was putting photos on her desk and I noticed a familiar face. When I asked who he was to her, she said, “My husband.” I had been dating this guy for the past three months. FML
tr3yr tells us more.
While I must say I thought that was a good idea... I did just that. Her response, “She did not care as long as he does not bring anything home to her.” I also found out that she filed for a divorce though but she said it was to “just teach him a lesson because he did not tell her.” When I confronted him he just kept lying and saying how he wanted to be with me but couldn’t think of being without his wife. So I just left it alone and cut off communication. It was starting to just be weird and I felt they had major issues to figure out with each-other. Needless to say I had her transferred to a different location.
Today, I had to purchase a new flat screen TV for the bar I work at. Last night I was dared to break an ashtray against the wall. I completely missed the wall and smashed the screen of the new TV they bought last month. FML
Today, while cuddling in bed, I tried to tell my girlfriend she was cute. It came out as, "I wish you were cuter." FML
Today, I was showing the Instagram of my crush to my cousin. He double-tapped the picture, thinking it would zoom it in. It was posted 5 months ago. FML
Today, in an effort to rearrange my bedroom, I planned to reroute my internet cables under my house. Then I found out about the black widow infestation. FML
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