Today, my mother got married. My siblings and I only found out when the pool hall she held the ceremony at posted the news on Facebook. FML
texaskitty86 tells us more.
texaskitty86 25
Holy crap I finally got published! A little back ground, we knew that mom and her now husband had gotten a marriage license almost 2 months ago but had never gotten it signed (therefor not legally married). We had talked about it the week before and she had told me she didn't think she'd go through with it because he is an alcoholic (like her), abusive, and irresponsible. We were shocked and more then a little upset that she had gone through with it, and that she hadn't told anyone about it, but at this point we're all used to this kind of behavior and I haven't talked to her since.
Today, I burned my nose. How? I tried sniffing a lit candle. FML
Today, I got home from the hospital after I burned my hand. Why? I dropped my phone in the pot while stirring hot soup, and I reached in to get it. FML
Today, I called off work saying my Great Grandmother died. A co-worker texted me later asking where and when the funeral was. I made up a lie and said some random funeral home and date. My co-workers sent flowers to the funeral home for condolences. The flowers were returned. FML
Today, after telling my best friend an idiot could make Kraft Dinner, I spilled boiling water all over my hands and forearms while attempting to strain the noodles. FML
Today, I got fired via Facebook messenger in a chat that also included a coworker. FML
gogoboobzilla tells us more.
OP here. I was actually a 1099 'contractor' so there's very little recourse, HR wise. My boss had recently restructured pay to where I was making way less money...so I was suggesting other ways for me to go about my job so it was more efficient/profitable. He got pissy, I didn't back down, he said ' Whatever, I'm down with this, good luck to you' and I was offered another job that's $5/hr more, like, 30 min later.
Today, I found out why you shouldn't drop instant mashed potatoes in a fish tank, especially when you have expensive fish. FML
Today, my boss gave me a lecture accompanied with a formal warning because I failed to take notes during a client meeting. I was never at this client meeting, in fact, I had a call with another client at the same time. Regardless, he insists I was there and refuses to listen to reason. FML
Today, I'm insanely hungover from a long night of drinking. I'm going to my nephew's baptism in an hour as his godmother. FML
Today, I was driving with my parents while explaining that young people like myself are better drivers because we have better reflexes. My explanation was suddenly interrupted with the sound of me crashing the car against a parked car. FML
Today, I woke up in a closet of a four-star hotel, having spent the night drinking. I'm a secondary school teacher and I've been visiting this place on a school trip. My flight left at 4 a.m. this morning and it's now 1 p.m. in the afternoon. FML
Today, I was lecturing my high school students on the importance of a good education. I pointed out the janitor in the hall and told them if they didn't stay in school, they'd end up like him. Then one of my students raised her hand and reminded me that the janitor I pointed to was her dad. FML
Today, after getting home from shopping, I noticed a security tag was still on one of the shirts I bought. I decided to take it back and ask them to remove the tag. They then accused me of trying to steal (even after I showed them the receipt) and kicked me out of the store. FML
Today, my girlfriend left me. I have no clue what to do with the holiday we have booked or the ring I was going to propose to her with on Valentine's Day. FML
Today, as a delivery driver, I have been stiffed in tips by three separate people because "a delivery fee is a tip, right?" FML
Today, my crush fell asleep on me on the bus. This would have been fantastic if I didn't immediately have an erection in her ear. FML
Today, someone reckoned that I would never be in a relationship. So I made up this whole story about some made up guy named 'Nick' and posted stuff on my Facebook and Myspace that I'm dating him. Now all my friends want to meet him. FML
Today, I saw a portable speed camera on the highway and braked hard. I caused a 4 car pile-up and my car is totaled. It wasn't a speed camera. FML
Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML
Today, my nose was really stuffed up and I was out of cold medicine. I heard spices may help with this kind of problem. Unfortunately I thought red pepper would be a great thing to snort at the time. Not only is my nose still stuffed up but I also have immense nasal pain. FML
Today, I tried to play with my Wii using the TV remote. FML
Today, a lady told me her husband had sinus surgery. I replied, "Oh, I know someone who just had that done." I then realized I meant Alexis on The Real Housewives of the OC. FML
Today, I accused my son of faking being sick. He then blew chunks all over me. FML
Today, I was driving home from work when I was pulled over by a cop. She asked why I was being pulled over and figuring she knew I said, "For swerving because of my alcohol problem." I had a broken tail light. FML
Today, I apologized to my boyfriend because I'd been rather snappy with him the last few days due to stress. His response? "It's okay baby, I'm used to you being a bitch." FML
ashlyrose45 tells us more.
ashlyrose45 12
I replied to a comment before, but I figured I'd post an update; some of you were right about it being more than a couple days, but it turns out I have PTSD, which cause fits of rage. I'm medicated now and we just celebrated our second anniversary
Today, after a long night of partying, I fell asleep, while my bride was delivering her vows. FML
Today, I was messing around on my laptop by drawing on the screen with a marker pen. When it came time to clean it off, it wouldn't budge. Now I have a full beard and mustache etched permanently on my computer screen. FML
Today, I went to the ER for an asthma attack. I left with a UTI and an elevated heart rate. FML
ryuuchild tells us more.
OP here. So I went in cause of the asthma attack and due to the treatments they gave me my heart rate was up to 130 to 150 and would not go down. The Doctor ordered an EKG and a blood and urine test to see if it showed anything. All that cameback w as that I had a UTI. I hadnt even started showing signs of a UTI so go figure right. Feeling much better and my heart rate was down this morning. Thanks for all the laughs made my day.
Today, I realised that a monkey can do my job. I was fired as an entertainer at the local fairground and literally replaced by a chimpanzee. He wears a hat and can hold balloons. FML
notamonkey tells us more.
OP here, I didn't expect this to get posted so I made an account :) Your comments genuinely made me laugh! Since this got posted, here's some background for you: this happened to me two years ago, after I had worked for them for over a decade. While it wasn't the greatest job in the world, it felt like a calling to me. There's nothing I love more than making people (especially children) laugh. I later found out that they fired me because my boss wanted to impress his new girlfriend by giving her niece (who happens to be a chimp handler/animal trainer) a job. It was a small company and they couldn't afford to keep the both of us on, so I had to go :( But it's all good, I got lucky and found myself a similar job with better pay and benefits. :)
Today, at my school's Midnight Madness, I was selected to show my school spirit in a contest. Being drunk, I decided to hump the school mascot in front of 300 people. FML
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