Miscellaneous: Today, at my school's Midnight Madness, I was selected to show...

By skyhawk13 - United States

Today, at my school's Midnight Madness, I was selected to show my school spirit in a contest. Being drunk, I decided to hump the school mascot in front of 300 people. FML

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Miscellaneous

Late term

There's no helping some people

Blabbermouth

By youngboob - United States - Topeka

Today, after my dad trying every bait, hormone, and poison, the cockroaches in this apartment have gone crazy. They are trying to kill themselves. One tried to commit suicide, by suffocation, in my mouth this morning. FML

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By Jonathan - Denmark

Today, my mom banned me from watching The Simpsons and Family Guy because apparently, they're part of "the Devil's plan to corrupt God's children". FML

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By ZombieLicker - United States

Today, I was walking into the building I hoped to work in someday with my resume, ready to be interviewed. As I walked through the doors I had to sneeze, so lifted my hands and sneezed a huge bloody booger right in the middle of the cover page. Turns out future employers don't like that. FML

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By Why - United States - Marlborough

Today, my husband cheated on me. In my house. While I was home. FML

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22640

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1983

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By must.not.itch. - United States - Hayward

Today, on the bright side, my boobs grew a size. Unfortunately, this was only after bed bugs decided to attack my nipples. FML

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29693

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By Loserbot - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Right as she orgasmed, she screamed out Megatron's name. When I later confronted her about this, she said that she always had a crush on him and wanted to be queen of the Decepticons. I've been dating this lunatic for a year and half now. FML

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By Autumn

TMI

Today, while discussing my vegetable garden, my father's new girlfriend announced that she loves vegetables in the bedroom. FML

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By Wraith - Canada - Holland Landing

Today, because I'm tall enough to see over the cubicle walls at work, I witnessed my 50-year-old co-worker pulling his finger out of his nose and immediately popping it into his mouth. FML

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By jenni - 6/4/2021 20:00

I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry that I made you cry

Today, my seven-year-old niece gave me a birthday card. Only she'd spelled my name as ‘Jenny.’ When I told her it was spelled with an i instead of a y, she cried. FML

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By Idontknowwhattodo - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my daughter managed to crash my car. It's okay though, the insurance will cover it. However, it won't cover all the items she damaged crashing into a garage sale. FML

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By Julie is in pain - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I had eight teeth removed in preparation for getting my braces fitted. My winter break will now consists of barely being able to sleep or eat, tasting blood, and looking like a goofy-ass chipmunk. FML

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By litup - United States

Today, my drunk boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to light a firework in the back seat of my car while we were driving down the interstate. FML

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By Dana - Netherlands

Today, I finally mustered the courage to tell my crush how I feel. He's a straight-A student and very nice in general. After I finished pouring my heart out, he stared at me for a bit and then said: "Nice rack." FML

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By fhe - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I was fixing a leak in the roof. When I was climbing down the ladder, it fell, but I managed to grab the ledge of the roof. The ladder hit my wife's car, then I fell on top of the ladder. My wife came running out to ask what happened to the car. FML

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By unholy shit - United States

Today, my parents boarded the fad wagon and became Juggalos. FML

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26632

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By Username

Today, I was prescribed anti-anxiety medication due to the high level of stress that I experience at my job. Unfortunately, I cannot afford the medication because I do not make enough money at said job. FML

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By aXel

Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML

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51662

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By dumbteacher

Today, my AP teacher once again accused me of plagiarism. Apparently the words "demise," "ultimately," and "rural," are too sophisticated for an 11th grade AP student to use and MUST have been copied from the Internet. FML

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By BadGirlfriend12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend actually offered me $1000 to break up with him, and to move back to where my family lives 5 hours away. FML

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By Chris - United States

Today, I was awoken by my dad yelling into my ear. In shock, I jumped up off the couch, and came smashing down into the coffee table. FML

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29567

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellerose

Today, I was watching anime in my room when my mom walked in with fresh laundry. It would've been fine at literally any other moment, but the scene on at the time involved girls groping each other in a hot spring. Now she's accusing me of being in cartoon porn. FML

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By IHateMySister - Denmark - Kirke-hyllinge

Today, my sister confessed that when she runs out of clean underwear, she uses mine. That wouldn't be so bad if she didn't also put it back in my dresser afterwards so I wouldn't notice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent two hours driving all over town looking for a store that sold pumpkins. When I finally found some, I was charged ten dollars per pumpkin. Later, I went to my town's annual Halloween festival and discovered they were giving pumpkins away for free. FML

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By seriously?! - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going to take me out somewhere special, so I called in sick for work. Turns out he had made reservations for the restaurant I worked at. FML

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By alopez1994

Today, I noticed this guy crying in the park. I went up to him to see what was wrong. Apparently his girlfriend broke up with him, and he also said he wanted to kill himself. My first response was "Don't, you'll regret it later in life". FML

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By ewmomew - Canada

Today, I had a nice, open chat with my mother. I accidentally let slip that I'm a nymphomaniac. She accidentally let slip that my dad is bad in bed. I don't think either of us will be chatting so openly for awhile. FML

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27564

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By Nick - Australia

Today, I was helping clean my grandpa's garage when I found some of his old election posters from the '50s. They included slogans such as, "Dick: you know it feels right" and "Want growth? Choose Dick." I'm not sure whether to be disgusted or impressed. FML

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By TimeWasted - 22/9/2020 14:04 - United States - Tallahassee

Out of the frying pan

Today, after I got hired on at a new job with perfect hours and pay, worked my two-week notice at my old job, now one week into new job, they let me go because they’re overstaffed and I’m the newest hire. FML

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1449

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162

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By BRELLA - United States

The wrong kind of banging

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with a girl from home who I'd wanted for a long time. She has low blood pressure problems though, and when things got hot, she passed out while she was on top of me, fell and hit her head on the night stand. FML

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By unit - United States

Today, I finally got around to organizing my closet. Discarded clothes fell into three distinct categories: Too Small, Yellow Pits, Stained with Food. FML

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By Miguel Ezpeleta - 29/5/2020 05:00

Never get involved

Today, I was working for my cousin. However, two weeks ago I found out my cousin's wife was cheating on him, through lying to her best friend. I told him, and he later told her. They've apparently made up, because I got fired. FML

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By RevolutionLove - United States

Today, at a gynecologist's appointment, I was privileged to have 7 co-ed nursing students stare at my vagina for 25 minutes as part of their training. At one point the doctor apologized for having to "open me up more than usual", but said she wanted everyone to get a good view. FML

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By xobeachbabi428ox - United States

Today, I used a public bathroom. I hung my purse up on the hook on the door. Two minutes later, a hand reaches over the door and steals my purse. I got robbed while taking a crap. FML

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By sisco2901 - Slovakia

Today, my recent ex-girlfriend posted a photo of herself on Facebook. It was a picture of herself in the arms of a half-naked male stripper. She posted it on my wall. FML

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By blindsparrow - United States - Dublin

Today, I went out to get milk from the garage fridge for my mom. The moment I stepped out, my foot settled on the neighbor's boa, who likes to escape. After my mom finally opened the door to my frantic shouting, she spotted the snake, slammed the door, and locked both of us outside. FML

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36279

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By cutiepatootie - United States

Today, I was getting ready for a party and accidentally knocked my blender off the counter. After taking a half an hour to clean up all the glass, I went upstairs to get the spare blender I keep in the closet. I tripped, and broke the blender. I just applied for a waitressing job. FML

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25978

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By Anonymous - United States - Wasilla

Today, I was woken up by my dad screaming that the ship was sinking. I started freaking out before I realized that I was sleeping on my couch at home and was not in fact on a ship. FML

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13800

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By Sam - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, my colleagues were excitedly talking about going for drinks after work. I heard one of them ask, Is Sam coming?' and shortly after leave without me. I'm Sam. FML

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27680

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By frenchienyx

Today, I was in Brooklyn for a meeting. I parked my car but my iPhone didn’t save my location. Where is my car? Called NYPD. No car towed. I had to walk 3 hours in the rain to find it thanks to the “Panic” button. So glad I found my car, but the “Loud Panic” button didn’t want to stop for an hour. FML

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957

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1961

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By Squeak - United States - Fort Bragg

Poor Despereaux

Today, I baked a cake. After feeding it to my entire family, I opened the stove, planning to temporarily store the cake inside. I then noticed a mouse, burnt to a crisp. FML

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Top comments

By redbluegreen | 40

#645898 - Friday 30 October 2009 12:06

Probably the Horny Hornets.

By pawpaw_fml | 0

#645894 - Friday 30 October 2009 12:04

What's your school mascot?

COMMENTS

By pawpaw_fml | 0

#645894 - Friday 30 October 2009 12:04

What's your school mascot?

redbluegreen | 40

#645898 - Friday 30 October 2009 12:06

Probably the Horny Hornets.

thegreenfairy | 0

#646358 - Friday 30 October 2009 18:53

skyhawks

kevick93 | 0

#854852 - Sunday 14 February 2010 17:01

lucky hawk

GiddyXD | 0

#933707 - Thursday 11 March 2010 0:10

lmao #2

iValerest | 6

#1022313 - Monday 7 June 2010 5:10

Lol

itsnikki | 0

#1221380 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 9:09

Did you win?

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1462687 - Monday 27 September 2010 2:09

good one 2

omgcookeys | 15

#3507599 - Saturday 29 October 2011 6:45

A beaver?

addiizcherry | 0

#3765600 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 15:29

Sexy seal?

By ajscw | 0

#645899 - Friday 30 October 2009 12:06

Lmfao!!!!!! Lol op tht sux for u

staffer | 0

#647061 - Saturday 31 October 2009 3:23

I want a YTM option added for you the man, thats f'n hilarious. I hope someone got it on video and its on you tube right now,

By jchansfan | 0

#645903 - Friday 30 October 2009 12:10

Did the mascot enjoy it or are you looking at a restraining order? :P

By wellinever | 5

#645904 - Friday 30 October 2009 12:10

You win at Midnight Madness. Is that a good thing?
Is that mascot talking to you today?

aback | 4

#646723 - Friday 30 October 2009 22:42

Worse. The mascot won't stop following him around.

By wtfismyfml | 0

#645914 - Friday 30 October 2009 12:20

yeah school spirit FTW

By Superawesomestev | 0

#645920 - Friday 30 October 2009 12:23

happy ending?

By PimpMyFML | 0

#645921 - Friday 30 October 2009 12:24

You must've won then. If not, there's always next year, give him the reverse cowgirl.

By jchansfan | 0

#645923 - Friday 30 October 2009 12:27

I hope your mascot was a goat or pig or something. You would look so hilarious.

By Acid80 | 3

#645927 - Friday 30 October 2009 12:34

Epic Win!

By Chasted | 0

#645938 - Friday 30 October 2009 12:41

I hope you won...