Today, I noticed that the roommate application site for college... - FML

By DoctorBreadLegs

Today, I noticed that the roommate application site for college bugged when I first signed up, and my screen name and real name were swapped as a result. Since the site only displays the names of potential roommates and not our own, I've been unknowingly messaging potential roommates as Parakeet19 for about 2 months. FML

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Season finale

Delayed proposal

It never rains, it pours

By zuut - Australia

Today, I logged on to Facebook for the first time in nine days. No new notifications. FML

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By Angus - France

Today, my son had a secret party. At first I was mad, then I had a complete and total Incredible Hulk meltdown when I realized that he had opened a bottle of very expensive whisky, originally bottled by my great great grandfather in Scotland, and used it as a mixer with fucking Pepsi. FML

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By Icey_dan1 - France

Today, I tried to jump between the train doors to make it in on time. And missed. FML

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By justagirl

Fatherlessness

Today, my ex started to talk to me again after 3 years. I've been in an amazing relationship for the last 2 years. She let me know she is taking me to court for child support. I didn't even know I had a kid. FML

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By vishuzzbabe77 - United States

Today, I bought a Halloween costume for my cat. FML

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By WasZumTeufel? - Germany - Kabel

Today, my boyfriend took me to his house and introduced me to his parents. He also showed me around his bedroom. I think he forgot to remove the dartboard on his wall, taped to which was a swiss-cheesed printout of one of my Facebook photos. FML

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By vertigoisarat - 23/2/2021 08:01 - United States

Who are you to judge?

Today, I went to the drug store to pick up a few things. After looking for condoms for 15 minutes, I asked the cashier where I could find them. She said they keep them behind the counter due to theft. She refused to sell them to me, because they're for customers who might actually need them. FML

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By hottytodday - United States - Oxford

Courtesy visit

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend on our couch. Meanwhile, my parents came to visit us without telling me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Harrisburg

Today, my dad and I ran into a guy I've been dating. He flipped out and accused me of cheating on him. This is now the second guy to have a similar reaction to my dad. I guess this is one of those unexpected consequences of teen pregnancy that my parents didn't see coming. FML

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By Gamergirl137 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend and we passed the shop where my ex works at. My boyfriend slapped my ass right as my ex came out. It was so sudden that I started choking on a fry and dropped soda all over myself. My ex kept laughing all while my boyfriend kept apologizing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my psycho-obsessed ex-girlfriend blabbed all about how she got a check in the mail for $1000 from CrimeStoppers on Facebook and Twitter. This explains how my current girlfriend and two of my friends all got arrested last week for having weed. FML

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By trashcanned - United States

Today, it was really windy and rainy causing me to trip and knock into a little kid. While still gathering myself, I apologized and patted the kid on its' head. Then I see people around me starting to laugh. I turn and look at the kid, and discover I've been interacting with a trash can. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2021 04:58

The runs

Today, I woke up next to my wife at my in-laws. It was all set to be a beautiful morning when we got serves breakfast in bed, until my mother in-law started pointing at the big shit stain running from my ass and on to the sheets. Never trust a fart, especially when you're sleeping. FML

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By WellThen - United States

Today, my son was looking through old photos and showed me a picture of myself and asked who it was. When I told him it was me, he responded by saying "But mommy, the lady in the picture is not fat!" FML

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By 6xrv

Today, while at the mall, I was traveling up the escalator on my way to the food court. When I neared the top, the handrail severely shocked me, causing me to drop a bag of China I had just bought, which fell to the bottom of the escalator and shattered. FML

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By Bee - Canada

Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute. Twice. While in my work uniform. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as always, I have a type of eczema that flares up when I'm stressed out or anxious. And today, the girl I've been in love with for 4 years asked me out on a date. We meet up in a few hours, and right now I look like I have smallpox. FML

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By brob56 - United States

Today, I was talking to my hot neighbor. We were in the driveway of her house, and I looked at her car and noticed a hideous dummy. It was fat and just ugly, but I didn't think much of it. I tried to make a joke and asked, "Where did you get that awful thing?" She said, "That's my daughter". FML

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By Miss_Blaine - United States - Houston

Today, I learned that my husband and I share the same taste in men. FML

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By dac5

Lowered expectations

Today, I was told that couldn’t become assistant manager of my job anymore. I already told my family I was going to be one, and they'd all said how proud of me they were. FML

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By Krissy - United States

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend on the back bumper of my car. After he finished he told me he felt like he was riding a seahorse. FML

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By Username

Today, my boyfriend told me he had to go pick up his family from the airport. I assumed he meant his parents. He apologized and said he meant his wife and child. They'd got their visa sooner than he'd thought. FML

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By NowHomeless - United States

Today, my roommate woke me up during afternoon nap to tell me that I need to move out. His reason: "Our political differences will likely escalate to violence." FML

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By yuna - 5/4/2021 22:59

Mouthwatering

Today, I discovered that I have a condition in which saliva frequently falls out of my mouth for no apparent reason. I’m 17. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was from myself: a positive pregnancy test. FML

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By Yudith - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I discovered a cold sore in my ear, which I need to treat with a cream. Because of health issues, I already have six different creams and lotions to apply to various parts of my body, including buttcrack and hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pearland

Today, trying to be friendly, I said good morning to the creepy guy at work. He responded by wordlessly hugging me. I was touched, until I realized he was trying to unhook my bra. FML

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By anon - Canada - Goderich

Today, my father tripped over the dog and hit a wall. He was so convinced his arm was broken that we waited for 3 hours in emergency to find out he had a bruise. FML

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By slashteddy - United States

Today, at work, I was on my break when I had to use the bathroom. I was on the toilet taking a dump when the door latch loosened and the door swung open. The little girl standing there took one look and screamed. Security busted in. My pants were still down. FML

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By Unreality - United States

Today, I discovered my fiancé has been telling everyone else we are just friends, yet last night he wanted me to go with him to pick up my engagement ring. I'm supposing the wedding will be a surprise to everyone. FML

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By queenxalee - United States - Orange

Today, I learned I was conceived to the sounds of a Spice Girls album. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2021 14:02

Where's my anvil?

Today, my roommate placed something on a shelf I put up, and the whole thing came crashing down. It's been fine for 2 years and now the shelf decides to break? Yeah right, dude. FML

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By OnCompanyTimeToo - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, while writing a self-evaluation for my internship, I had to type up answers to certain questions and then submit them. After submission, I re-read one of the answers I had written that said, "After 3 months on the jon I finally feel like I have accomplished a lot." I had meant to write job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was making salsa and got jalepeno juice all over his mouth. A little bit later, he started going down me. He hadn't washed his mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I've gained weight. He replied, "Why do you think I've been so often on top lately?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I got a new set of acrylic nails put on. While driving home, I had an urge to pick my nose. My car then went over a speed-bump. I now feel like my brain is bleeding. FML

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By Stella - Canada

Today, I chipped my tooth on a beer bottle. While I was drinking alone in my basement. FML

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By janae

Today, I discovered that I am pregnant. I questioned my boyfriend and he admitted to not using a condom because he thought we were just doing "practice sex". FML

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By Molly Lee - 16/10/2020 20:01 - United States

Stay safe

Today, after going to the ophthalmologist, I got some really cute glasses. When I got home, my dad saw them and told me that when he was in high school, they called girls with those glasses BC. When I asked what BC stood for, he said, "Birth control." FML

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Top comments

By MidnaLink | 32

#7821746 - Wednesday 17 July 2019 20:36

Way better than many other names, I can assure you of that.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7821808 - Thursday 18 July 2019 2:21

I'm sure it got you all talking. Shame you're only able to say a few select phrases.

COMMENTS

By MidnaLink | 32

#7821746 - Wednesday 17 July 2019 20:36

Way better than many other names, I can assure you of that.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7821783 - Wednesday 17 July 2019 23:53

19 parakeets is way too many!

I’m surprised you haven’t gotten a lot of inquiries from cat owners.

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7821791 - Thursday 18 July 2019 0:42

It could have been a lot worse lol

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7821808 - Thursday 18 July 2019 2:21

I'm sure it got you all talking. Shame you're only able to say a few select phrases.