Miscellaneous: Today, after telling my best friend an idiot could make Kraft...

By Lexi - France

Today, after telling my best friend an idiot could make Kraft Dinner, I spilled boiling water all over my hands and forearms while attempting to strain the noodles. FML

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Miscellaneous

The smell detective is on the case

Dangling modifier

Out of it

By f.m.

Today, I took my driving test. I was nervous, but I thought I followed the rules of the road pretty well. My tester ended up failing me for "backing out too slowly". FML

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3171

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277

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out my sister has been "borrowing" my adult toys and putting them back without washing them well enough. How did I find out? I came back positive for an STI. FML

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4135

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By FML - United States - Houston

Today, I got robbed. I just moved so I didn't have much in my new house. They did decide that my cat was valuable enough to steal. FML

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48672

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By sad-boing - United Kingdom - Dartford

Today, my hormones are so screwed, I popped a boner at the sight of two grasshoppers mating and had to retire to my room for a wank. FML

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24800

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By Anonymous - United States - Meridian

Today, my guide dog sneezed so hard that it slammed its head on the floor and knocked itself out. I have to trust this dog with my life. FML

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57176

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5031

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I started to type up a mass text to tell a decent amount of my friends that I'd just come home to a surprise from my boyfriend. Trying to fix a typo, I accidentally hit send with the text only saying "Guess what?! I just came." FML

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28850

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By UglyFace - United Kingdom

Today, my parents told me they'd be willing to pay for me to get a nose job. I asked them what was wrong with my nose, and they said nothing, it's just not the kind of nose they'd prefer to feature in our Christmas photos. FML

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43149

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By horriblefashionsense - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went in the diner I always pass by and ordered a sandwich. When I asked how much it was, the waitress replied, "Don't worry, honey. We give free meals to the homeless on Thursdays." I was too ashamed to deny it, so I just said thank you and left. FML

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47494

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By whytoday - United States

Today, on the first day of my nanny job, I wanted to impress my employers with how trustworthy and responsible I am. During the sixty seconds that I went to pee, the two-year-old found a black Sharpie and scribbled all over the wall. Nail polish remover made it ten times worse. FML

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34321

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By why? - United States

Today, I was supposed to light candles at my aunt's wedding. I accidentally lit the groom on fire. FML

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32885

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6406

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By ej6901 - United States - Ventnor City

Today, I left my dog in my car for 5 minutes while I ran into a store. The car was running so he was fine, the thing that wasn't so fine is that when I walked out my car wasn't there. My dog somehow moved my car into the middle of a intersection, almost causing an accident. FML

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22746

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By fannyfitel123 - United States

Today, I corrected my mom in front of our family while she was ragging on my 12 year old cousin who got a piercing. She said, "You don't understand you don't have kids, but on the other hand you probably never will!" I have Polycystic ovary syndrome, she is right, I probably never will. FML

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64022

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2020 23:00

Zedonging intensifies

Today, I went downstairs to complain to my landlady that there was no water when I was trying to wash my hair. To which she replied, "No, of course there is water, it's just all going into my swimming pool." FML

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1593

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By WhatADickens

The early bird gets the worm!

Today, after working on my novel for two years, I found out that another book has recently been published with an almost identical plot. I was going to submit it to a publisher in two days. FML

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4685

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By whoops - United States - Spring Hill

Today, thanks to my phone's shitty predictive text combined with me being half-asleep, I accidentally offered my heartbroken buddy "oral support" if he ever needs it. FML

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52895

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By wouldn'tyouliketoknow

Sneaky moggie

Today, my neighbours were screaming for their "lost" cat again. I've already seen the cat multiple times. In my garden. Pissing. FML

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1471

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116

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By althornton2462 - United States - Hudson

Today, I messaged the guy I've been seeing for 4 months, referring to him as my boyfriend. His response? "I didn't realize you had a boyfriend." FML

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23388

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By Ava777 - United States

Today, while leaving school to skip fourth period, I hit someone's car in the parking lot. It was the teacher's whose class I was going to skip. FML

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11726

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59468

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By Tamps - United Kingdom

Today, I gave my girlfriend a new TV as a 10th anniversary present. She gave me a torch on a keyring. FML

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35995

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6863

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 13:59 - Canada

Splish splash, I was taking a bath

Today, my neighbour decided to get high while leaving his bathtub running, resulting in passing out and starting a flood in the hallways. FML

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755

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By Dammit Brain - 22/10/2020 20:02 - United States - Fredericksburg

Bad date

Today, I went on a lunch date with a guy I used to work with. When the conversation got dry, I asked him if he went by “Chris” or “Christopher” these days. His name is Daniel. My brain knew my mistake as I said it. Just when I thought the silence couldn’t get more awkward. FML

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645

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376

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By poor man - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I frantically told my parents that my bank account had no money. Turns out, they took the $1,600 I had saved up from a summer job and invested it in penny-stocks. I was grounded because they were "doing it for the family," and I'm being selfish. They also had lost it all in a matter of days. FML

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44612

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By tbeemcgeebee - United States

Today, at 2 am on a Saturday, I purposely updated my Facebook status from my iPod so people will see that I posted from a 'mobile device' and think I'm out at a bar having a life, instead of sitting at home on my bed watching movies on my Netflix. FML

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15898

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2020 17:01

Night terrors

Today, I woke up at night to go to the toilet. My Dad was doing his thing with the toilet door wide open. I saw, screamed at the top of my lungs and peed my pants in horror. Now my throat hurts and I'm too embarrassed to look at him. FML

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1253

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480

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By shatfjord - United States - Rochester

Today, I and a coworker got bitched out and suspended by our boss after our computers got infected with a weird porn virus. It soon turned out the virus had come from our boss' infected memory stick. Did he apologize? No. Is our suspension still in force? Yes. FML

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42534

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By cj123 - United States

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for breathing too much. FML

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31417

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5464

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a "get well soon" card in the mail, which I found just a little odd, since I was feeling completely fine. Not an hour later, I tripped and fell down a flight of stairs. FML

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30216

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Today, I found out I'm going to have to come into the office on yet another weekend to plow snow. This wouldn't be so bad, if I actually got paid to work weekends. FML

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1840

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220

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By 16590 - Sweden

Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified: me or him. FML

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44876

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By xX-SaD-FaCe-Xx - Singapore

Today, the woman I love told me she cared about me and didn't like me hurting myself. She then posted a picture of herself making-out with her new boyfriend. FML

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27824

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5772

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I rode home alone on a train. I accidentally missed my stop, but wasn't worried about it. My mom did not share my optimism and actually called the train company, saying that I was "lost" and "special". They thought she meant I was retarded. They wouldn't believe me when I said I wasn't. FML

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31492

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3276

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By computergeek - United States

Today, my parents got me a new computer for my birthday. They also took the liberty of throwing out my old computer, with 8 years of photos, videos, music, documents, emails, and bookmarks on it. But that's okay, I had a backup. They threw that out too. FML

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41252

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2424

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after sleeping with a guy I met at a party, I woke up to find him peeing in the corner of my room on my roommate's carpet. FML

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9492

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By TiredMommy - United States - Southbridge

Today, my 2-year-old son figured out that if he takes his pull-up off and DOESN'T go on the potty, he can pee all over things. FML

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4485

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422

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By u_n0_mE - United States

Today, I am finally dating the girl I have liked on and off for the past year. In the school play. FML

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34340

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5251

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By shouldhavecheckedthelock - United States

Today, after having not used my laptop since January because I thought it was broken, I found out that the key lock has been on the whole time. FML

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11861

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51850

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By OhGodWhy - 23/5/2020 08:00

Superstition

Today, my mother told me I must break up with my gorgeous, brilliant, talented, kind, respectful boyfriend of 2 weeks. Why? One of his closest friends died, and he's struggling with his spiritual identity. Apparently, by being with him, I'm walking on 'unholy ground.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

1758

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120

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By burgeee - United Kingdom

Today, the love of my life sent me a text saying "touch my pork". Somehow I don't think my feelings are mutual. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24395

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4245

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By happybirthday - United States - Wrentham

Today, I found the perfect opportunity to throw my husband a surprise party since he thought I was away on a business trip. He came home with a hooker. Surprise! FML

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52314

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3444

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By anon - United States

Today, when my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I got a nose bleed. He gave me a shirt to plug it with and kept going. FML

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32304

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Top comments

By FerrariCake | 2

#648451 - Sunday 1 November 2009 1:53

So the correct statement would be: An idiot can make Kraft Dinner, but will burn themselves in the process.

By noshitsherlock | 0

#648477 - Sunday 1 November 2009 2:13

Hahahaha, at least you're NOT an idiot, according to you, because you CAN'T do it right!

COMMENTS

By L3F_T | 0

#648416 - Sunday 1 November 2009 1:35

first

Chopperman_fml | 0

#648780 - Sunday 1 November 2009 6:29

Well...did you finish making the Kraft Dinner? It'd be even worse irony if your burns stopped you from eating it :P

Chopperman_fml | 0

#648782 - Sunday 1 November 2009 6:31

>.> oops, didn't mean to reply to anyone.

Reyo | 2

#648934 - Sunday 1 November 2009 9:28

Murphey's Law strikes again!!

thatonek1d | 0

#1037515 - Sunday 20 June 2010 21:09

in Soviet Russia, Kraft food makes you

ISinSoDoYou | 0

#2798081 - Friday 1 July 2011 15:16

42, I think u meant "in soviet Russia, Kraft Dinner boils you!" >.>

xxlowsnip3rxx | 16

#5682284 - Friday 20 September 2013 21:08

haha loled soo hard nice

By Protegas | 0

#648425 - Sunday 1 November 2009 1:38

Yeah, but anyone could've done that. Not entirely karma, just a suckish situation. Plus, it really didn't have much to do with the cooking part xP

redfishbluefish2 | 13

#3759377 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 6:07

Obviously you're not an idiot, because you couldn't make a Kraft dinner, and an idiot can.

By 4ddie | 0

#648434 - Sunday 1 November 2009 1:42

Awww :(
That could have happened to anyone, though..

By FerrariCake | 2

#648451 - Sunday 1 November 2009 1:53

So the correct statement would be: An idiot can make Kraft Dinner, but will burn themselves in the process.

Aha09 | 1

#650110 - Monday 2 November 2009 2:45

Correction: An idiot can make a Kraft dinner, but a true idiot will burn themself in the process.

kyliebear | 15

#2938690 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 17:23

Some people would call it a coincidence. I'm not entirely sure how many, so I can't say majority do.

By RatIsKing | 0

#648466 - Sunday 1 November 2009 2:08

so that makes you...

Sansa_fml | 38

#6201223 - Friday 13 February 2015 8:38

Not an idiot, because idiots can make it. :)

By noshitsherlock | 0

#648477 - Sunday 1 November 2009 2:13

Hahahaha, at least you're NOT an idiot, according to you, because you CAN'T do it right!

By Hellcrapdamn | 0

#648509 - Sunday 1 November 2009 2:40

Your friend's logic stands.

By perdix | 29

#648548 - Sunday 1 November 2009 3:22

It takes an advanced degree to MAKE a Kraft Dinner.

It takes an idiot to EAT one.

Ifmyownl | 0

#648556 - Sunday 1 November 2009 3:25

I agree, I've set off smoke alarms with 'easy' mac

By stella2fast | 2

#648575 - Sunday 1 November 2009 3:41

ive spilled some boiling water on me b4 very painful!!

By campex | 0

#648579 - Sunday 1 November 2009 3:44

so you're no idiot. congratulations!