Today, after telling my best friend an idiot could make Kraft...

By Lexi - 31/10/2009 20:15 - France

Today, after telling my best friend an idiot could make Kraft Dinner, I spilled boiling water all over my hands and forearms while attempting to strain the noodles. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dangling modifier

Instadrama

Who's a good boy?

By I don't know, son - 16/11/2013 01:53 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was lying beside my 5-year-old son to help him get to sleep. He turned his head and asked, "Daddy, why do you suck so much?" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 23:00

Pincushion

Today, I accidentally broke a vase. When I was clearing it up, I used my bare hand to sweep up the shards without thinking. I'm still fishing pieces of broken glass out of my hand. FML

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By inder - 25/2/2011 16:03 - United Kingdom

Today, while having sex, I found out that I'm so flexible that when I bend over backwards, the backs of my knees can touch my shoulders. My boyfriend is now extremely jealous and is debating about breaking up with me. Even I don't get it. FML

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By huulo - 16/11/2010 10:07

Today, I was getting ready for the school swimming carnival and was running very late. I reached for my deodorant and sprayed it on. It was only when I was at the pool that I realized I had accidentally grabbed the spray tan and covered my underarms in it. FML

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By Ya - 10/5/2009 14:18 - United States

Today, I missed my flight because I was stopped by airport security. They found "small, suspicious, spherical objects" in my purse on the X-ray. After pulling me out of line, taking my purse aside and carefully opening it with tongs, they removed the bag of grapes I had packed as a snack. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2015 21:42 - United States - Utica

Today, I found out my new puppy has worms by him scooting his butt across my new carpet. It's like smeared spaghetti. FML

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By izzy46111 - 11/11/2014 16:56 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I saw a long black hair coming out of the drain. Thinking it was my sister's, I called her in and pulled it out for her to see, only to realize I was actually pulling out a long brown roach by the antenna. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2013 06:40 - United States - Northbrook

Today, after trying to convince my girlfriend to have sex for almost 16 months, she finally said yes. I couldn't get it up the second she said it. FML

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By erinbarto - 17/10/2019 20:00

Soon.

Today, I listened to my mom having a conversation with my dog, asking him if he ate my hamster. My hamster isn't even dead. FML

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By waaah - 25/6/2012 07:00 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He decided he would be a gentleman and do this to me at work, over text, during a rush of unsympathetic customers, the day before our anniversary. FML

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By Jake - 29/4/2009 08:06 - Australia

Today, as I was taking an evening jog around my neighbourhood, I passed an elderly woman. I grinned at her as sign of friendliness to a common pedestrian. She grinned back. Whilst staring at my crotch. FML

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By notpayedenoughforthisshit - 21/7/2014 21:15 - United States - Boone

Today, for the third time this week, I had to clean up after someone who pissed themselves in the beer aisle at the grocery store where I work. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my chemistry class when a sick girl behind me asked "Can I go to the bathroom?" My teacher, being smart said, "Don't you mean MAY I use the bathroom?" Meanwhile, the girl behind me started throwing up all over her desk and me. FML

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By Devon - 20/5/2011 01:38 - United States

Today, I woke up face-down in my grandfather's driveway, soaking wet with no pants, glitter in my hair, and holding an empty Skippy peanut butter jar. No one will tell me what happened. FML

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By bleach bleach bleach - 22/12/2013 17:22 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, it's been a little over a month since my dad started taking yoga lessons. We always joked around behind his back that he was just doing it so he could get flexible enough to suck himself off. Well, that joke was confirmed as reality when I walked in on him trying just that. FML

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By holler - 15/9/2011 04:22 - Japan

Today, I had my parents over at my new apartment. As I was telling them how quiet and peaceful my new place is, we could hear my neighbors talking nasty to each other before launching into a full-blown sex ordeal. FML

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By Karma - 15/3/2017 02:00

Karma karma karma karma chameleon, you come and go.

Today, I forgot my phone in a restaurant bathroom because I was too distracted trying to steal three rolls of toilet paper without anyone noticing. After sinking that low because I was too broke to buy my own toilet roll, I'm now also in the market for a new phone. FML

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By ineedbetterfriends - 15/6/2013 21:08 - Netherlands - Amersfoort

Today, I told my friend, who's a marriage counsellor, about some of the things my husband does that I hate, like snoring loudly and eating with his mouth open. I wasn't asking for advice, but she just looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Divorce." Bye-bye, faith in humanity. FML

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By Spotted - 18/2/2009 22:09 - Canada

Today, at Church, the little boy sitting behind me asked his mother if I had the chicken pox, because there were red dots all over my face. I've had bad acne since I was twelve. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 20:03

Minefield

Today, my cat pissed on my bed, so I had to change the sheets. Just as I got out of bed and take my first step, I stepped in my cat's poop as well and slipped, spraining my ankle. FML

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By Sam - 23/11/2009 01:35 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. We were starting to get intimate, and I thought it would be kinky to tie his hands to his bed so he'd be more turned on. Suddenly his mom called us for dinner, but I couldn't untie him fast enough. I had to sit there, embarrassed, while his mom undid the rope. FML

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By Maxie - 8/3/2013 01:55 - United States - Chesterland

Today, after my 5-year-old finally got over his grandmother's death, we went to a store and saw a lady that looked exactly like her. She came up to us asking if we saw her grandson; I can't get my son to stop freaking out. FML

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By OzzyWannabee - 20/2/2015 08:12 - France - Issy-les-moulineaux

Today, I tried to overcome my shyness by warmly greeting the bus driver while entering it. I instead blurted out really loudly the words of the song my iPod was playing. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 14:00

Out and about

Today, my grandfather found my diary laying in the living room, and for some reason thought it was an interesting reading material. Oh well, he found out that I'm a lesbian, then panicked and basically outed me to my entire family. I really hope they have reservations in Hell. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2016 18:28 - Israel - Petah Tiqwa

Today, I was showing the Instagram of my crush to my cousin. He double-tapped the picture, thinking it would zoom it in. It was posted 5 months ago. FML

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By ladeda - 7/3/2009 07:01 - United States

Today, my name was called during an assembly because I won some sort of prize. Everyone booed. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2019 14:00

Caddy Shack

Today, I've had people calling the golf course just to ask what the weather's going to be like tomorrow. I’m a golf professional, not the weather man. FML

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By Username - 8/7/2011 20:02 - United States

Today, I noticed a woman struggling to work a parking meter, so I went over to help. She took one look at me before screaming, hitting me in the face, and running back to her car. FML

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By Totallyscrewed - 10/2/2013 05:17 - United States - Stroudsburg

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy this past summer after our son was born and only took one of the two tests. I haven't cheated. He refuses to believe me or get his spunk checked again. FML

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By teacher - 7/9/2014 21:05 - United States - Apo

Today, I started my first teaching job ever. As I was teaching, another teacher interrupted my class about 5 times because she thought it was her class. Not only did she ruin my confidence, her behavior caused my students to laugh at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2020 08:00

Frustration

Today, my wife is still refusing all forms of sex, because she thinks if she gets pregnant during lockdown, she’ll be the butt of all her friends' jokes about what people get up to to relieve the lockdown boredom. I know what I’d like to be getting up to right now to relieve my boredom. FML

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By volleyballgirl - 28/2/2010 01:11 - United States

Today, at my volleyball tournament I was extremely pumped to start playing so I went to take my sweats off and everybody began to stare at me then I looked down to come to realize I had no spandex on, just a thong. FML

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By lydiacoolness - 8/8/2009 02:27 - New Zealand

Today, I got my annual blood test. The nurse was inexperienced and it took her several tries to insert the needle properly. When I get back home, my fiancé starts yelling at me and storms out. The reason? I am a recovering drug addict and my arm appeared as if I had been shooting up. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2013 07:13 - United States - Eagle Point

Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2010 05:39 - United States

Today, my boss told me when I transfer to a Target in Orlando I should work in the clothing department. He said it would be a good way for me to meet chicks. I told him all the girls who work in clothing in that store are ugly as hell. Apparently his daughters work there. I never knew that. FML

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By Wobblefat - 14/12/2016 13:16

Today, I was watching porn when I found a lookalike of my soon-to-be sister-in-law. She's attractive, so I enjoyed watching her getting it on by herself. Needless to say I did not finish as I saw another "lookalike" entering the room. I have now seen my brothers erect penis. FML

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By KathleenSchuler - 5/3/2013 03:38 - United States

Today, I took a week off work because my father passed away. I was at the funeral home making arrangements when I overheard the owners complaining about how their insurance agent had left them to fend for themselves. I'm their insurance agent. FML

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By Whatswrongwithme? - 3/11/2013 09:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I told my girlfriend I loved her. She left and never came back. FML

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By Kathrynn - 7/3/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, I overheard my parents having sex. Trying to be the reasonable person I was, I dismissed it, realizing that sex is just normal. I quickly walked past their room when my cat ran past me into their room, cracking open the door. Now my parents think I was peeping and need therapy. FML

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By babybambi - 29/12/2018 02:00

Today, I got food poisoning for the first time after cooking. Yesterday, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. FML

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Top comments

By FerrariCake | 2

#648451 - Sunday 1 November 2009 1:53

So the correct statement would be: An idiot can make Kraft Dinner, but will burn themselves in the process.

By noshitsherlock | 0

#648477 - Sunday 1 November 2009 2:13

Hahahaha, at least you're NOT an idiot, according to you, because you CAN'T do it right!

COMMENTS

By L3F_T | 0

#648416 - Sunday 1 November 2009 1:35

first

Chopperman_fml | 0

#648780 - Sunday 1 November 2009 6:29

Well...did you finish making the Kraft Dinner? It'd be even worse irony if your burns stopped you from eating it :P

Chopperman_fml | 0

#648782 - Sunday 1 November 2009 6:31

>.> oops, didn't mean to reply to anyone.

Reyo | 2

#648934 - Sunday 1 November 2009 9:28

Murphey's Law strikes again!!

thatonek1d | 0

#1037515 - Sunday 20 June 2010 21:09

in Soviet Russia, Kraft food makes you

ISinSoDoYou | 0

#2798081 - Friday 1 July 2011 15:16

42, I think u meant "in soviet Russia, Kraft Dinner boils you!" >.>

xxlowsnip3rxx | 16

#5682284 - Friday 20 September 2013 21:08

haha loled soo hard nice

By Protegas | 0

#648425 - Sunday 1 November 2009 1:38

Yeah, but anyone could've done that. Not entirely karma, just a suckish situation. Plus, it really didn't have much to do with the cooking part xP

redfishbluefish2 | 13

#3759377 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 6:07

Obviously you're not an idiot, because you couldn't make a Kraft dinner, and an idiot can.

By 4ddie | 0

#648434 - Sunday 1 November 2009 1:42

Awww :(
That could have happened to anyone, though..

By FerrariCake | 2

#648451 - Sunday 1 November 2009 1:53

So the correct statement would be: An idiot can make Kraft Dinner, but will burn themselves in the process.

Aha09 | 1

#650110 - Monday 2 November 2009 2:45

Correction: An idiot can make a Kraft dinner, but a true idiot will burn themself in the process.

kyliebear | 15

#2938690 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 17:23

Some people would call it a coincidence. I'm not entirely sure how many, so I can't say majority do.

By RatIsKing | 0

#648466 - Sunday 1 November 2009 2:08

so that makes you...

Sansa_fml | 38

#6201223 - Friday 13 February 2015 8:38

Not an idiot, because idiots can make it. :)

By noshitsherlock | 0

#648477 - Sunday 1 November 2009 2:13

Hahahaha, at least you're NOT an idiot, according to you, because you CAN'T do it right!

By Hellcrapdamn | 0

#648509 - Sunday 1 November 2009 2:40

Your friend's logic stands.

By perdix | 29

#648548 - Sunday 1 November 2009 3:22

It takes an advanced degree to MAKE a Kraft Dinner.

It takes an idiot to EAT one.

Ifmyownl | 0

#648556 - Sunday 1 November 2009 3:25

I agree, I've set off smoke alarms with 'easy' mac

By stella2fast | 2

#648575 - Sunday 1 November 2009 3:41

ive spilled some boiling water on me b4 very painful!!

By campex | 0

#648579 - Sunday 1 November 2009 3:44

so you're no idiot. congratulations!