Intimacy: Today, my crush fell asleep on me on the bus. This would have...

By Anonymous - United States - Newtown

Today, my crush fell asleep on me on the bus. This would have been fantastic if I didn't immediately have an erection in her ear. FML

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Intimacy

Dangling modifier

You ass!

Money hole

By Anonymous

Today, I drove my truck into the garage for a couple of minor repairs. It was returned on a flatbed with a blown engine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Joseph

Bad, bad, bad

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for years. There was just one problem: it was so terrible I said, "I think I might be straight" about five minutes in just so it would stop. FML

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51284

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By WickedLittleDoll - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I realized my anger management has hit a new low when I screamed at a goose for being a goose. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I was told by my neighbors that my guitar playing sounded a dying cat. FML

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11436

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sandringham

Today, a man with a clipboard came up to me in the street to ask me if I was happy with my life insurance. I couldn't bring myself to admit to him that I'm so clueless about my own life that I wasn't sure I was even happy with the Twix I was eating at the time. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, my boss refused my resignation and acted like nothing had happened. FML

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13019

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By Anonymous

Crazy best friend

Today, I was in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, and my drunk best friend knocked on our door. We screamed 'go away' and she still opened the door. She then saw us, and asked if she can join. FML

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2533

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Not funny anymore

Today at work, the security threw out an old man in his 80s that had been caught masturbating while hiding in the ladies changing room. I thought it was funny until my manager told me to clean up that very same changing room with the old man spunk all over the wall and floor. FML

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1184

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By shockedgirl - United States

Today, I spent the day studying with one of my classmates whom I've just met. While studying, she kept bragging about her boyfriend and decided to show me a picture of him. It was my boyfriend. FML

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46072

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after lifting a 20 pound box of oranges for a woman at work, she turned around to say "Your acne needs help." I still had to tell her to have a good day. FML

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29054

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm so out of shape, I started wheezing on my way to check my mailbox. Not my physical mailbox, either; my email inbox on the phone I'd left on the table at the bottom of the stairs. FML

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By hoplessG - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I told her best friend the plan the day before. I got reservations to a restaurant on the beach, and we were going to arrive via boat. She never showed. Her parents called me asking why she left town to go to Paris. FML

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37568

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By bootyislife - United States - Lynnwood

Hidden

Today, my girlfriend made me put a blanket over my head while giving me a blowjob because she didn't like the faces I was making. FML

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31530

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By confusedphotographer - United States

Today, I was fixing some photos for a client. I spent 20 minutes trying to Photoshop an unusual black dot out of a picture. Only then did I discover it was a black dot on my computer screen. FML

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13827

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By JJ - United States - Irwin

Today, I was savagely beating my wife on Call of Duty, since she demanded that I play normally and not hold back. 15 minutes later, she was raging at me, calling me a bastard and saying she wished we'd never married. FML

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25427

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By dammit - United States

Today, my father's company shut down his branch, leaving him without a job. This is followed by a letter from my school's financial aid office, saying I'm not getting a penny because my family's income level is too high. FML

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60380

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By tj85 - United States

Today, I received a letter in the mail. The letter was from a woman who explained to me every single detail of a three month affair she had with my husband. She included pictures. FML

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44757

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By JimiHendrix - France - Luynes

Today, a wasp knocked me out, broke my glasses, and left a gash over my eyebrow. It did so by flying under my glasses while I was playing my guitar, causing me to reflexively bat at it with the hand that was still grasping the guitar neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28889

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7330

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By TheDumper - United States - Chandler

Today, and for the last week, I've resorted to driving myself to the nearest corner store to take my daily dump. I'm doing this because I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and I'm afraid he'll be disgusted at how often I clog the toilet. FML

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14168

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 01:08 - United States - Cleveland

Grateful

Today, my mom made me shovel our long driveway, as it had just snowed a couple of inches. It took me two and half hours to finish. She came out and said, "Wow, is this really the best you can do?" FML

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847

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137

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By anonymous - United Kingdom - Lancaster

Today, whilst laying in bed with my girlfriend, she received a flirty message from her ex on her phone asking if she wanted to go to the cinema. She replied, knowing I could see the screen. The messages were signed with a love heart and about 15 kisses. She claims they are still just friends. FML

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35855

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By Victoria

Today, my mother still refuses to acknowledge my son as her grandson, all because I had a C-section, which she says is unnatural and against God's will. I only had the C-section in the first place for health reasons. FML

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14523

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1156

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got hypnotized in front of my entire school. Once I was hypnotized the guy told me that the hottest celebrity in the world was in the audience and then he told me to point out who I saw. I said I saw Mick Jagger. I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 09:01 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Get it out!

Today, I paid movers $125 to move a couch into my house that's much too large for the space. FML

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367

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By Anonymous - Germany - Munich

Today, after finally finishing a huge internal rebranding project at work, which I've poured blood, sweat and tears into over the last 12 months, I found out we're being acquired by another company and that our new brand will no longer exist. FML

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34008

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By eyerollplease

Today, after recently celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary, my husband and I watched my mom and his dad say "I Do". I am now married to my step-brother. FML

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7587

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By Anonymous

Creep

Today, I found out that the guy I've been anonymously sexting with through an adult website is the seriously creepy stalker-ish front desk worker from our office building, who also happens to be the building owner's son. Shit. FML

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1295

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 23:00

Too much of a good thing

Today, my girlfriend complained that our quickies shouldn’t take 45 minutes. FML

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690

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By happybirthday - United States

Today, was my birthday. I purposely didn't log onto facebook all day so that I could read all my birthday wishes at once. When I logged on at the end of the day I had one notification. My "friend" had commented on a picture of me, saying I looked like jabba the hut. FML

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74874

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By Malcolm654 - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years in front of the sell-out crowd at the baseball game, but at the security checkpoint, the security guard made me take the ring out and open it after I walked through the metal detector. No need to say it, worst proposal ever. FML

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14852

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, I confronted my lousy, loud, messy neighbors about the trash they throw in my yard. They responded by throwing my trash in their yard, then called the police to report me for vandalism and illegal dumping when I returned their trash. Guess who has a court appearance in two weeks. FML

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5689

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By hunterchik

Today, I found out about my parent's divorce over Facebook from my sister who lives 8 hours away in another province. They made the decision 3 weeks ago. I live with my parents. FML

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3450

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By Leijabug

Today, my best friend and I decided to dye our hair blue. We didn’t mean to also dye the ceiling, walls, shower, or floor. We DEFINITELY didn’t mean to dye our faces the day before school pictures that cannot be rescheduled. FML

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863

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By one_BAMF - Canada

Today, I dislocated my shoulder. How? I went to a party with some friends and they each bet me $20 I couldn't lick my elbow. I guess I proved them wrong. FML

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10346

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By foodsicknessinATL - United States - Atlanta

Today, I spent the busiest travel day of the year in the busiest airport in the world trapped between the decision to leave the terminal bathroom or shit my pants. Yes, I missed my flight. Sorry, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10422

You deserved it

911

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with posted pics of them kissing on Facebook, and tagged me in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63940

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By Soggy Sophia - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I went for my daily post-op doctor's appointment, where I was told I can resume normal activities. Which was handy when I came home to half-an-inch of water throughout my apartment, due to my washing machine drainage pipe coming undone while I was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29958

You deserved it

2629

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By That idiot - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I won a goldfish at the amusement park. My little brother took him out of the bowl because he thought he was drowning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42293

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By calikola - United States

Today, my grandmother who has Alzheimer's and can't usually remember my name, had a sudden moment of clarity and asked me why I'm still not married yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30388

You deserved it

2260

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By Kay

Today, at the register, I got a spontaneous nose bleed. The lady behind the counter apparently didn't do well with blood. Her face turned white, she passed out and fell with her head on the counter. FML

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9622

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Top comments

By Wolverine48Ga | 21

#7396934 - Wednesday 25 January 2017 22:42

No he just had a super long dick lol

By RichardPencil | 29

#7397366 - Thursday 26 January 2017 16:22

So, you're into aural sex?

COMMENTS

By AndySamberg | 9

#7396919 - Wednesday 25 January 2017 22:19

Was her head on your crotch or something?

Wolverine48Ga | 21

#7396934 - Wednesday 25 January 2017 22:42

No he just had a super long dick lol

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#7397438 - Thursday 26 January 2017 18:41

Am I the only one who noticed they are recycling these as new FML's??

By sgcaudell | 27

#7397135 - Thursday 26 January 2017 6:34

Why does it say the op is a female but they had an erection?

The_Bleeder | 13

#7397364 - Thursday 26 January 2017 16:19

Because FML needs to fix the genders, comment sections. Etc...

trumpet27 | 1

#7397383 - Thursday 26 January 2017 16:54

it says male.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7397366 - Thursday 26 January 2017 16:22

So, you're into aural sex?

squigmo | 0

#7397610 - Friday 27 January 2017 0:56

OP should be careful with that. She might get hearing AIDs.

By Konarika | 11

#7397379 - Thursday 26 January 2017 16:49

I mean ears must be pretty tight

By trumpet27 | 1

#7397384 - Thursday 26 January 2017 16:56

if I were u, I would just ignore that part and just be happy that she fell asleep on you. Good luck!?

By Magnoxidans | 19

#7397398 - Thursday 26 January 2017 17:26

Doesn't matter still counts

By Balphleair | 24

#7397416 - Thursday 26 January 2017 17:52

Self control darling. Self control.

By 399 | 41

#7397423 - Thursday 26 January 2017 18:14

Hmmmmm, I sure do love bonners in my ear.

By 604 | 11

#7397443 - Thursday 26 January 2017 18:52

It's funny because you're from Penisvania

By species4872 | 19

#7397453 - Thursday 26 January 2017 19:17

It it come out the other ear as well?