Today, my crush fell asleep on me on the bus. This would have...

By Anonymous - 26/1/2017 10:04 - United States - Newtown

Today, my crush fell asleep on me on the bus. This would have been fantastic if I didn't immediately have an erection in her ear. FML

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Intimacy

Thanks, I'm cured!

Workaholic

Daydreaming

By Alicia - 21/1/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have sex for the first time. Not only did he struggle for five minutes to put on a condom (repeatedly snapping himself in the balls), but he then had to ask me "which hole" to put it in. I'm dating a thirty-four year old virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2014 15:17 - Denmark

Today, my allergies flared up and I started sneezing. I guess my girlfriend was having a bad day, because she lost her shit and started telling me how annoying I am and how I can never do anything right. I'm not sure if we're still a couple, because she stormed out and won't answer my calls. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2015 18:19 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was having computer problems, so I let my friend have remote access to fix them. We were video-chatting on Skype at the time, and so he thought it'd be hilarious to load hardcore porn in my browser the moment he saw my mom enter the room from behind me. I'm now grounded. FML

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By yeastly - 9/7/2012 19:54 - United States - Amery

Today, I was sitting the living room, when my mom commented on the smell of garlic in the air. After ten minutes of searching for the source, she gave up. I was too embarrassed to admit that I'd tried using garlic to cure my yeast infection. FML

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By Anon - 14/8/2016 10:58 - United States - Tracy

Today, a cute guy came up to me and asked for my phone number. I was super excited and began to write it down when he said, "It doesn't have to be your real number, I'm not gonna call anyway." I still gave him my real number. FML

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By itsjustwill - 17/1/2013 00:35 - United States - Puyallup

Today, our company's owner's son took over. The first thing he did? Fire me. Why? He said my sales are down. I work in Public Relations. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2011 13:48 - United States

Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML

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By Annabelle - 5/7/2009 20:12 - United States

Today, I got a call from my parents that they have decided to get a divorce. My brothers and I just shelled out $5,000 each and spent months planning their 50th Anniversary party that was supposed to be next month. FML

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By abrazama - 2/10/2009 14:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I went down to my accommodation office in fiery wrath, demanding that something be done about my three-days-cold shower. Looking dubious, they sent someone back with me. As soon as we got there he looked at me with deep pity and pulled the cord in the corner that activated the hot water. FML

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By BadDad - 30/4/2017 15:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I was summoned to the bathroom by my three-year-old, who still needs help cleaning up sometimes. When I walked in, he looked so happy and proud as he pointed to the trash can saying, "Look at my big poop!". Buying a new trash can tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 13:01 - United Kingdom

Shorty

Today, on my first day as a community support officer, a 7-foot meathead in the middle of a domestic argument told me to “piss off shorty”, and when I asked him not to swear at me, he picked me up one-handed and threw me in a builder's skip full of mud and wet cement. FML

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By single - 1/7/2011 09:12 - China

Today, my wife and I were watching TV. The lady on the show began to talk about how to have a smooth divorce. My wife discreetly turned the volume up. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend looked so unhappy in a photo we took that I downloaded an editing app, and edited the photo to make it look like he was smiling before posting it. FML

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By legit - 2/3/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I was singing Alicia Keys in the shower and hitting the insanely high notes. My father ran into the bathroom and threw open the shower door, screaming. He thought I was wailing in pain. FML

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By why - 14/3/2014 23:23 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was tanning nude in my backyard, when I took a picture of our dog lying in the grass and sent it to my dad. It was only after I looked at the picture indoors that I realized my nipple had made it into the picture too. FML

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By wiifantcso - 1/7/2014 21:57 - United States - Sturtevant

Today, my sister was upset because she felt like no one liked her. Without thinking, I replied, "It's okay. If I acted like you, people would probably hate me, too." This sounded sympathetic in my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2012 06:31 - United Kingdom - Evesham

Today, my girlfriend decided that having OCD will help her lose weight. She is now convinced that walking in and out of doorways multiple times will burn fat. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2020 02:00

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Today, my boyfriend, who went to college, is unable to write a two-line email without saying the text out loud at least five times in a row. He also keeps repeating newspaper lines and simple things I say, in a whisper, in order to understand them. I'm afraid he might be developing dementia. At 40 years old. FML

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By AlwaysAfraid - 16/10/2018 22:00

Today, I went on a date for the first time in almost a year. To keep things casual, he had a couple of his friends join. Oh and by a couple of friends, I mean a party of people from his church. I'm not religious. The date wasn't even half over before I was being preached to. FML

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By WillaminaL - 20/1/2012 03:33 - Canada

Today, while over at a friend's house, I saw a framed picture of a young African boy on her fridge. I asked, "Oh, is this one of those kids you adopt from third world countries? My grandma does that too." She responded, "What do you mean? That's my cousin." FML

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By lonely_island - 28/4/2014 21:27 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, I finally worked up the guts to add the guy I like on Facebook. To make it less obvious, I added 15 other people as well. Everyone added me back, except him. FML

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By Lindso1 - 6/7/2018 01:30

Today, I came home to find my home had been broken into. Nothing was taken, but all the drains were plugged and the water left blasting on high, with a note that said “enjoy the mess”. FML

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By jons - 17/2/2009 21:54 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for my yearly checkup. After getting my blood-pressure taken, my finger pricked, etc, the doctor began to ask me some questions. When asked if I was sexually active, I responded "Yes". The doctor started laughing. FML

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By unlucky - 8/10/2012 16:39 - United States - Alpena

Today, I'm going to be helping the love of my life pick out an engagement ring for my cousin. FML

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By H4rd_Man - 1/11/2009 19:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I came back home to meet people before going away to university, including my ex and her new boyfriend. We broke up about two months ago and there were no bad feelings between us, so I decided to have a chat with them. I asked "How long have you been going out?" He replied "Seven months." FML

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By Anonycunt - 27/7/2013 16:30 - Germany - Bonn

Today, I went on a blind date that my friends set up. Not only did my date visibly recoil at the sight of me, she ended up trying to convince me that we're actually cousins. When I told her how absurd that was, she muttered "Fuck it" and left. FML

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By ladyofzanarkand - 20/5/2020 20:00

Not my sunnies!

Today, while out shopping, a middle aged man snatched my sunglasses off my face, threw them off the ground, and stomped on them, saying, "That’s what you get for trying to look cool, asshole!" I suffer from light-induced migraines. FML

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By evenmybodyhatesme - 15/5/2016 06:47 - United States - San Jose

Today, after spending a day in the ER and a day in hospital, I was recovering from emergency surgery. My boyfriend left to eat and didn't come back. He texted me 4 hours later that he was drinking with his friends and that he loved his "brown eyed girl". My eyes aren't brown. FML

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By jimmyt420 - 29/11/2009 09:33 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend went and saw "The Blind Side." I sobbed throughout the entire movie. My girlfriend didn't shed a tear. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 02:55 - United States

Today, I found out that even if you have to go really bad, never burst into a bathroom stall assuming that it's vacant because you don't see any legs underneath. There might be a child in there, who will scream, and whose mother will burst in and start screaming at you for being a "pedo." FML

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By best_mom_ever - 19/10/2012 07:59 - United States - Mount Juliet

Today, my husband and I decided to tell our sixteen-year-old daughter that she's adopted. Her response was, "Thank God!" FML

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By WasteOfTime - 1/11/2009 14:36 - United Kingdom

Today, as I stopped at a traffic light, I noticed the man in the car next to me break out in laughter. I pulled over later on to see that someone had drawn a large penis on the side of my van. I then spent all my morning cleaning it off. I went outside later only to see someone had redrawn it. FML

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By Username - 4/10/2010 05:48 - France

Today, my four year old daughter pulled her pants down in the middle of Best Buy. Apparently, you can smell the farts better when they don't have to pass through clothing. FML

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By Noname - 9/3/2009 02:48 - United States

Today, I went to an Honors Convocation for my school. I received a letter a few weeks earlier telling me I received an award. Surprised and proud, I invited my family to join me to see what award I was receiving. I couldn't find my name in the program. I was invited by mistake. FML

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By noname - 29/12/2009 06:09 - France

Today, my flatmate was listening to opera on full volume all afternoon and now he's playing James Bond on the trumpet. FML

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By SebastianMiko - 9/11/2012 07:18 - Canada - Calgary

Today, on my job as a police officer, I received a typical domestic disturbance call. Not so typical was the address. Guess my wife's affair went terribly wrong while I was on shift. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2016 05:53 - United States - Houston

Today, I found out my brand new $3,000 mattress that is supposed to relieve my back pain works amazingly. I only discovered this because my wife, son, daughter, dog, and two cats are all asleep on it and not waking up. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2014 05:17 - United States - Muncy

Today, while I was making dinner, my husband argued that our new dog has intelligence issues, and we should give him away. I angrily defended the poor thing, and had almost won, until the dog walked over and licked the inside of the hot oven door. FML

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By mrWrong - 25/3/2009 01:20 - United States

Today, my rescue squad unit responded to a 911 call from a woman who felt she was going to pass out. We knocked on her locked door a couple times with no answer. Fearing she might be unconscious, I kicked in the door. She was about to open it and only passed out from the concussion I gave her. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2013 16:43 - United States - Logan

Today, I finally decided to stand up for myself and quit my crappy job working for my abusive father. I gave him a few insults too, to which he reacted by calling the police and claiming I'd threatened to murder him. I spent three hours in jail before they finally let me go. FML

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Top comments

By Wolverine48Ga | 21

#7396934 - Wednesday 25 January 2017 22:42

No he just had a super long dick lol

By RichardPencil | 28

#7397366 - Thursday 26 January 2017 16:22

So, you're into aural sex?

COMMENTS

By AndySamberg | 9

#7396919 - Wednesday 25 January 2017 22:19

Was her head on your crotch or something?

Wolverine48Ga | 21

#7396934 - Wednesday 25 January 2017 22:42

No he just had a super long dick lol

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#7397438 - Thursday 26 January 2017 18:41

Am I the only one who noticed they are recycling these as new FML's??

By sgcaudell | 27

#7397135 - Thursday 26 January 2017 6:34

Why does it say the op is a female but they had an erection?

The_Bleeder | 13

#7397364 - Thursday 26 January 2017 16:19

Because FML needs to fix the genders, comment sections. Etc...

trumpet27 | 1

#7397383 - Thursday 26 January 2017 16:54

it says male.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7397366 - Thursday 26 January 2017 16:22

So, you're into aural sex?

squigmo | 0

#7397610 - Friday 27 January 2017 0:56

OP should be careful with that. She might get hearing AIDs.

By Konarika | 11

#7397379 - Thursday 26 January 2017 16:49

I mean ears must be pretty tight

By trumpet27 | 1

#7397384 - Thursday 26 January 2017 16:56

if I were u, I would just ignore that part and just be happy that she fell asleep on you. Good luck!?

By Magnoxidans | 19

#7397398 - Thursday 26 January 2017 17:26

Doesn't matter still counts

By Balphleair | 23

#7397416 - Thursday 26 January 2017 17:52

Self control darling. Self control.

By 399 | 41

#7397423 - Thursday 26 January 2017 18:14

Hmmmmm, I sure do love bonners in my ear.

By 604 | 11

#7397443 - Thursday 26 January 2017 18:52

It's funny because you're from Penisvania

By species4872 | 19

#7397453 - Thursday 26 January 2017 19:17

It it come out the other ear as well?