Health: Today, I got home from the hospital after I burned my hand. Why?...

By scooter922 - 15/07/2012 07:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got home from the hospital after I burned my hand. Why? I dropped my phone in the pot while stirring hot soup, and I reached in to get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 202

You deserved it 39 503

Health

Good kid

The smell detective is on the case

Seize the means

By Annakins - 06/06/2010 18:31 - United States

Today, I am 9 months pregnant. I had a dream where I successfully pushed and gave birth to my son. Meanwhile, in the real world, I successfully pushed and gave birth to a large dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 154

You deserved it 7 057

By UnluckyJulie - 02/11/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, it was my 17th birthday. I didn't want my family to spend money on a cake, so my dad made this delicious apple ring. At least, it was great until my mouth began to itch and my throat closed. I have been allergic to nuts since birth, and my dad put walnuts in my birthday cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 259

You deserved it 2 686

By Anonymous - 15/07/2019 14:00

Today, as revenge for a prank I played on him last week, my brother took things way too far and loaded my milkshake with so many chocolate laxatives, I’m now in hospital. I’ve had so much diarrhoea in the past few hours, I’m dangerously dehydrated and had to be put on a saline drip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 939

You deserved it 312

By Anonymous - 02/04/2009 22:51 - United States

Today, my fiancé turned 21. I stayed up and took care of him for 3 hours while he puked his guts out. When I FINALLY get him to bed, he jumps up and rips the lid off a plastic container on the floor and pukes in it. It was full of all my yearbooks, baby pictures, and childhood memories. FML

I agree, your life sucks 153 394

You deserved it 14 338

By Skyler - 24/04/2013 19:14 - United States

Today, my school took part in a standardized state test. After finishing, I decided to take a nap, only to be awoken by the test monitor, who wanted me to leave. Apparently, I was ferociously farting in my sleep and was disturbing the people still taking the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 188

You deserved it 14 282

The I in LGBTQA+

By Anonymous - 25/01/2021 05:02

Today, like every day, I'm an intersex woman. I can't orgasm, have no vagina, and can't have my own kids. Every new partner I have requires an embarrassing explanation and biology lesson because no one knows what intersex means, even though it's quite common. At least I don't get periods? FML

I agree, your life sucks 985

You deserved it 273

You idiot!

By Anonymous - 28/10/2019 22:00

Today, I didn't want to hang out with my girlfriend so I could binge watch Pawn Stars instead. When she asked me why not, I lied not very convincingly and said my mom was sick and needed my help. She now thinks I'm cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 445

You deserved it 2 867

By stolenbike - 14/06/2009 17:28 - United States

Today, my motorcycle was stolen from the 4th level of my “secure” gated parking garage. I strategically park it tightly between my car and a concrete wall to limit theft opportunity. They scratched my car trying to get it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 753

You deserved it 3 923

By Anonymous - 05/01/2014 05:30 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was at a basketball game. Sitting in the bleachers, I looked over at my friend and said, "Number 33 has a really cute butt." The man in front of us turned around, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "Thanks." Number 33's dad was a very proud father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 661

You deserved it 14 048

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 05:21 - Canada

Today, while eating dinner with my family, I found out my boyfriend recorded me screaming while having sex with him on my phone, and set it as my ring tone on high volume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 669

You deserved it 6 135

Sweet Sixteen

By Hailie - 14/07/2021 20:01

Today, it was my Sweet 16. My cousin threw a tantrum in the middle of it. She popped balloons, threw chairs around, and threw my gifts off the balcony. Reason being, she turned 16 last year and didn’t get a party. She perhaps forgot that last year we were in a pandemic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 955

You deserved it 99

By fukinlonely - 12/01/2015 12:53 - United Kingdom

Today, both my female flatmate and my gay male flatmate have got their boyfriends round. They've both stuck 'Do Not Disturb' signs on their bedroom doors and are both playing music which doesn't quite muffle the sounds of what they're up to. I haven't had a date in over six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 638

You deserved it 4 194

By Anonymous - 15/02/2012 19:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He let me know by shaving "CYA" into my dog's fur and then moving out before I got home from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 805

You deserved it 2 768

By RR - 11/07/2009 05:58 - United States

Today, I went with my sister to get our eyebrows waxed. I didn't think my eyebrows were that bad--and they weren't! When the guy waxed my eyebrows, he gestured my lips and said, "Moustache, too?" Mortified, I said, "No!" to which he replied, "Aw, someone no get kissy tonight." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 420

You deserved it 9 951

Wealth

By Anonymous - 06/09/2021 13:59

Today, after about 8 hours of working and making huge orders, I received my share of tips. It was only a quarter. One single quarter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 994

You deserved it 66

By whyyyyyme - 04/08/2015 01:43 - Canada

Today, I also needed to add, "Does not currently live in a psychiatric hospital, after being declared 'Not criminally responsible for a crime'" to my list of qualities that I want in a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 649

You deserved it 2 217

By MedChew - 30/10/2015 17:01 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I dropped my phone between my legs and tried to catch it with my thighs. Instead, the phone fell through just as I crushed my own balls with my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 016

You deserved it 5 059

By waitforit - 23/04/2009 11:42 - United States

Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 332

You deserved it 93 557

By sad - 07/09/2011 05:05 - Canada

Today, I left my book on the plane after I'd finished reading it. The flight attendant thought I'd forgotten it, so he chased me through the airport, past security, past customs, and past baggage claims. I didn't have the heart to tell him I left it on purpose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 050

You deserved it 45 893

By murp - 18/10/2012 16:26 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went out for a few drinks with some friends. All night, I kept smiling and showing off my newly brace-free teeth. Later on, one of my friends drunkly asked, "Why does she keep smiling? Her teeth are fucking jacked." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 503

You deserved it 3 176

By Username - 27/01/2011 17:40 - Romania

Today, I was running late for school because I had a huge stomach ache. To save on time, I took a taxi. When the taxi driver hit a bump, I lost control of my bowels and shit myself. Not only do I have to wash my underwear in the sink at school now, but I had to pay the driver extra to remove the smell from his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 048

You deserved it 5 673

The Shining

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 14:00

Today, I was babysitting my 4-year-old twin brothers yet again. I began to get desperate when they took my phone and would start crying every time I tried to take it back. My mother found me thirty minutes later, huddled in a corner, crying. I'm 27 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 941

You deserved it 1 241

By Anonymous - 13/07/2019 04:30

Today, it was the first day after my promotion. Everyone, including myself, was shocked that I was promoted so quickly. I figured it was because of all the hard work and overtime I'd put in. However, my coworkers figure I'm just sleeping with the boss, and constantly glare and snicker behind my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 858

You deserved it 161

By Squid - 21/02/2017 07:00 - Canada - Parksville

Today, my older boyfriend and I went shopping together. When we arrived at the till, the cashier looked at me and asked, "Is this your pop?" I replied "No, this is my boyfriend, but we get that a lot." She paused, pointed at the case of Coke in the cart and said again, "Is this your pop?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 570

You deserved it 3 004

Mama's boy

By vacay no way - 14/07/2021 06:01

Today, I was asking my husband to help me finalize plans for our upcoming vacation. He, however, would rather pout and sulk because I don’t want him to bring his mom along. She’s been with us on our last few trips and it’s hard to get any alone time. I’m considering just going alone at this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 710

You deserved it 133

By Anonymous - 05/03/2016 05:57 - United States - Hudsonville

Today, my dad thought it was perfectly acceptable to ask my girlfriend how many guys she screwed before me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 953

You deserved it 1 778

By Jamie - 20/09/2013 00:47 - United States - Newport News

Today, I was at work at Krispy Kreme for national "talk like a pirate" day. If you dressed like a pirate you'd get a free dozen donuts. A man came in with just an eyepatch on. Thinking he was trying to get a free dozen, I told him he needed to try harder. Turned out the eyepatch was real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 213

You deserved it 13 873

By leahrb - 24/02/2016 18:55 - United States - Wilmington

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time to meet my parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "Son, I want you to suck upon my nipples of knowledge." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 275

You deserved it 1 874

Gratitude

By Anonymous - 28/03/2021 15:30 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend of four years, whom I have stuck by through every hardship, including his ongoing battle with military PTSD, is cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 289

You deserved it 83

By surefeelslikelove - 06/06/2011 16:01

Today, my mum was filling out a reference for me as I work in the family business. When it came to naming two of my strengths, she asked me what to put as she couldn't think of anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 274

You deserved it 4 705

By Anonymous - 07/08/2009 02:10 - United States

Today, as I opened my diary to write a new entry, I noticed that every page had little side notes about what I had written. It had an extra long note on the page where I wrote about losing my virginity in great detail. All of the notes ended with "Love, Mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 633

You deserved it 8 964

By Cuppycake - 04/05/2011 05:33 - Canada

Today, I went on a first date with a guy. He parked his truck and reached in his door side pocket and grabbed a little black zippered bag. Seeing this, I burst out laughing saying, "Wow, what's that, your change purse?" He replied, "No, I'm diabetic, this is my blood sugar monitor." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 759

You deserved it 89 458

By Icci - 12/12/2009 22:54 - United States

Today, at work I was playing football with one of my camp kids in the indoor-pool. I saw a co-worker walking by and I decided to hit him with the football. The football slipped out of my hand and I hit a lady in the face, breaking her nose, and causing her to fall and get a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 670

You deserved it 37 711

By Fatty1970 - 23/05/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, I told my kids that our family dog was getting too fat and we should give him a little less food. My youngest daughter whispered to her sister, "Mommy's fat and we still give her food." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 880

You deserved it 19 799

By Anonymous - 07/08/2012 06:16 - United States

Today, I went to a BBQ. The night was going well until I had to wrestle car keys away from my intoxicated mother in front of all my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 490

You deserved it 1 975

By Dinger1992 - 23/10/2012 13:19 - United States

Today, my dad was teaching me how to drive. He told me that stop signs with white outlines are "optional." I ran through the next one I saw and got pulled over by a cop. My dad is making me pay the ticket for being "that stupid." Thanks dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 061

You deserved it 41 805

By Lea - 16/03/2010 13:31 - United States

Today, I dropped my car keys down the elevator shaft at my dorm. I had parked my car at a parking meter, and now had no way to get change out of my car. It took six hours for someone to get my keys, and I now have a $75 parking ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 371

You deserved it 4 867

By belladonna1025 - 11/05/2016 18:49 - United States - Mesa

Today, a customer came up to me with a can of ground black pepper and asked me what the ingredients were. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 220

You deserved it 800

Tippi Hedren strikes back

By B_and_W - 21/11/2013 11:35 - France

Today, I watched a little girl laugh while giving bread to some pigeons at a bus stop. A bus then arrived. All the pigeons moved out of the away, except one. Its head got crushed by a wheel, and some blood splattered onto the little girl's shoes, who then screamed. With laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 933

You deserved it 4 933

By Username - 07/03/2010 17:41 - France

Today, the guy that I have been seeing for over a year left on a business trip. While straightening out his room as a favor, I noticed he took his condoms with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 841

You deserved it 3 517

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Top comments

The_SkyCantLimit 5

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Sunday 15 July 2012 16:01

Every doctor in that hospital: *Face palm*

brill33 7

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Sunday 15 July 2012 16:09

"k" This is the text message I received that caused the accident that burned my hand for the rest of the week. Sounds like the makings of a no cooking and texting commercial ad

The_SkyCantLimit 5

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Sunday 15 July 2012 16:01

Every doctor in that hospital: *Face palm*

icrest80 4

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Sunday 15 July 2012 16:07

Smart phone=dumber person

astoryofroses 9

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Sunday 15 July 2012 16:08

we live on a planet with smart phones and stupid people. this is why I don't want to live here anymore

sryu 9

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Sunday 15 July 2012 16:29

Bet your phone was still broken eh?

MrFuzzles 5

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Sunday 15 July 2012 16:34

24- at least it tasted delicious.

ScaughtieHolden 11

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Sunday 15 July 2012 16:38

Sure OP was holding a spoon, but it's a reaction to use your hand. Don't ask me how I know it's a spoon, you don't stir soup with a fork.

innavoiG 9

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Sunday 15 July 2012 16:49

29- Do not try to justify it. OP is a moron.

drunkandfml 11

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Sunday 15 July 2012 19:30

That's the secret ingredient to OP's famous soup!

Forlorn420 9

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Sunday 15 July 2012 20:13

13- we could always send you to mars

LoveMyKoolaid 0

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Sunday 15 July 2012 21:54

Well.... Did you at least get it?

PhishloverA 14

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Sunday 15 July 2012 21:55

Where do you want to live them 13?

FinJage 18

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Sunday 15 July 2012 22:12

If every doctor would face palm every time, while facing such stupidity, there wouldn't be much left of their face.

doctorhook86 24

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Sunday 15 July 2012 23:01

I haven't had lunch yet. This FML makes me want soup.

rainbowglass 5

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Monday 16 July 2012 7:40

#93 - I think that's what happened to DocBastard, and thus the reason he doesn't have a picture of himself in the profile. Too many face palms at work.

Big_lama6 7

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Monday 16 July 2012 10:47

Must have been one important text...

PinkieKeen 20

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Monday 24 September 2012 5:51

OP has an IQ lower then 20.

esu 5

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Sunday 15 July 2012 16:01

You most certainly deserve that

lopsop 12

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Sunday 15 July 2012 18:12

Well I mean it is an iPhone and op was most likely laughing at FML's when op dropped it.

hqbrat 8

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Monday 16 July 2012 0:21

What I don't get is instead of burning his/her hand why didn't they just scoop it out

uberdubers 3

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Monday 16 July 2012 0:40

108 - I think it's a natural reaction to use your hand, plus OP probably wanted to get it out as fast as possible, and phone fishing with a spoon would probably take way to long

DaiCarmuhh 6

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Sunday 15 July 2012 16:02

Why would you reach in the pot knowing that there is hot soup that you're stirring?

RocketNinjaFish 12

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Sunday 15 July 2012 16:16

sometimes people don't think before they act. the OP may have been distracted and forgot it was hot.

MindFreakazoid 10

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Sunday 15 July 2012 18:35

3- Why didn't YOU?

MikeonFML 17

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Sunday 15 July 2012 20:46

Well if the phone was sinking fast I could understand trying to save it right away

BunchieRules 31

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Sunday 15 July 2012 22:01

78 - I think the phone would have been instantly beyond saving, considering the pot was boiling. I can understand quickly reacting to accidently submerging a phone, but this was a bit of a stretch.

sadistmonkey 19

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Sunday 15 July 2012 22:35

It's probably a reflex. You drop your phone and you instantly reach down to catch it. Perhaps the OP wasn't too smart using his phone while cooking but logic doesn't really apply to reflexes since they happen faster than you can think.