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By hail - 27/12/2018 20:00

Today, I told my parents I was pregnant but don’t know who the Dad is. My Mom said “that’s alright, I still don’t know who your dad is”. So apparently my father isn’t my real Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 902

You deserved it 1 234

Bean.

By BeanThereRuinedThat - 22/03/2017 12:00

Today, my partner proposed to me during an anniversary dinner at a small, quiet Italian restaurant near where we live. We'd never been before, but the food was great, and the staff lovely. It all would have been perfect, if not for the dozens of pictures of Mr. Bean which covered every wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 353

You deserved it 1 074

By KillMeNow - 09/06/2017 16:00 - United States - Houston

Today, my visiting mother-in-law announced she plans on moving to our state and living next door. When I said that's not going to happen, she chuckled and said, "It's happening, Kate." Kate is my husband's ex-girlfriend from 8 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 314

You deserved it 360

By obviously not the favorite - 05/07/2017 18:37

Today, my mom called me a "useless spoiled brat" because I refused to drive my sister across the city just to buy flavored gelatin. I've had Amoebic Dysentery for 3 days now and need constant bathroom access. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 642

You deserved it 355

By shook - 06/09/2017 20:00 - United States - Clermont

Today, I crashed into a pole on purpose as a cop pulled me over for speeding. I figured the officer would feel bad for me and that the cost of fixing my car would be less than a ticket. He gave me one anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 079

You deserved it 12 023

Hi there little guy

By NotAGoodDay - 10/08/2016 18:57 - United Kingdom - Sudbury

Today, I had severe constipation. I went to get some more laxatives when I felt something fall onto the top of my head. I reached up to see what it was and it turned out to be quite a large spider. Guess who isn't constipated anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 678

You deserved it 1 140

Just ignore it!

By nothing like tasty asshole - 26/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Shelbyville

Today, trying to be nice, I sent a text to my mother-in-law saying that I couldn't wait to have her delicious casserole tonight. Only after sending, I realized that "casserole" had auto corrected to "asshole". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 866

You deserved it 609

Denial

By Lady Bloodshart of the Redwater - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Arlington

Today, while at a restaurant, my date shat himself. He spent the entire meal pretending nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 138

You deserved it 1 088

Why hello there...

By Shocked - 28/01/2018 19:00

Today, while looking at a house to buy, I opened a bathroom door. There was a naked man on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 721

You deserved it 438

By loser - 01/03/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, my fiancée broke up with me. Via a myspace message. While we were in the same apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 368 892

You deserved it 32 808

Overcome

By Handblocked - 04/09/2018 06:00

Today, I got a new vibrator, raced all the way home, tore my pants off, took it out of the box, and then my grandmother walked in my front door. Apparently she's spending the night so she can make it to a doctor's appointment in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 445

You deserved it 638

Icona Pop, I assume

By ugh - 23/01/2016 20:48 - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, I crashed my car into a bridge, while playing a song with the line, "I crashed my car into a bridge". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 791

You deserved it 5 875

Praise

By Jesusman - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, as I helped my boss set up catering at our café, she was stressing about having enough time for everything when the DJ chimed in with, "Why don't you ask him to help?" It got awkwardly quiet as they looked at me and he realized I was a girl. Then he tried saying, "By him, I mean Jesus." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 164

You deserved it 369

FML Uncensored

By Nightmares - 07/08/2012 02:00 - United States

Today, I surprisingly found two empty seats on the subway. Before anyone could get to them, I rushed and triumphantly sat down, enjoying my victory, until I noticed why they were empty. I had just sat down next to a guy vigorously trying to fellate himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 768

You deserved it 8 341

Bewitched

By Frozen Delight - 25/02/2019 04:00 - United States - New York

Today, my husband and our 4-year-old daughter were watching My Little Pony. When her favorite character angrily screamed, "You're going to love me!", she looked at him with a perplexed look. My husband then responded, "And THAT'S how I met your mommy!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 204

You deserved it 444

By Anonymous - 27/11/2015 06:42 - France - Cateri

Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before having sex. When I came home, I realised he must have married my roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 605

You deserved it 2 204

By damaged - 04/11/2015 03:24 - United States - La Verne

Today, I drove in heavy rain for the first time, by myself. I had been told to drive below the speed limit, and be extra careful of the cars around me. Nobody had told me about thunder scaring a cow that would then escape from the corral and hit my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 758

You deserved it 1 812

Thanks for the info

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, my mother told my boyfriend a cute story about me when I was little. The one where my cousin and I were caught pooping in a urinal in the church basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 864

You deserved it 641

Such a Jerry thing to do...

By Jerry - 19/12/2017 15:00

Today, I woke up and realized I didn't start a fire last night. I live in Alaska and our winter nights can reach -30 below zero. My fish are dead, my plasma television won't turn on, and the cat has frostbite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 628

You deserved it 3 302

By annie - 14/10/2018 12:00

Today, my mother-in-law visited. She saw my 5-year-old son rip open a chip bag, causing chips go everywhere. She got up in his face and started screaming at him about how he has an "attitude problem". He doesn't, he's autistic and genuinely has trouble with food packaging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 385

You deserved it 263

By some explaining to do - 25/12/2016 08:34 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to my uncle's house to celebrate Christmas. His kids don't have their own phones so I let them play with mine. They sent all my contacts messages saying I love them, including two of my ex-girlfriends who both immediately wanted to make up and started to frantically call me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 368

You deserved it 3 182

Serious business

By John - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - United States - Midway City

Today, one of my interviewers got so bored, he made a paper airplane out of my résumé. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 439

You deserved it 696

By Anonymous - 04/02/2018 19:00

Today, my wife of 6 years came out as a lesbian. I moved out of state and away from family to start a new life with her. Turns out she's attracted to my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 986

You deserved it 376

Been there, done that

By hlewrn - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Centreville

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend for another girl. This other girl helped me break up with her so we could date. After it was all done, she promptly rejected me and in front of everyone, saying how much of a douche I was for leaving my girlfriend for another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 124

You deserved it 34 927

By Fucked4life - 18/04/2018 20:30

Today, I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. I've had a really bad week and am feeling depressed, and he knows this. He's also just decided to tell me he has a two-month-old daughter. We do not have an open relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 288

You deserved it 487

Go home

By Anonymous - 12/09/2018 18:30

Today, my mother turned up drunk at my house with a chocolate cake for my 14th birthday. I'm 27, I haven’t seen her in 6 years, I'm allergic to chocolate, and when she saw that I had 2 kids, she wanted to know why I'd bothered, since kids are always "such a disappointment". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 738

You deserved it 176

By Anonymous - 11/03/2016 22:09 - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, I lost what should've been the easiest bet ever. Now I have to let my girlfriend go at me with a strap-on or forever be known as a sore loser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 894

You deserved it 20 869

Whistleblower

By Anonymous - 25/05/2017 04:00

Today, my boss held a meeting to talk about how we can't overlook others and no one should pick favorites. I walked out unemployed when I pointed out that she completely ignored the person who made the biggest sale in company history and constantly gave her son raises for mediocre work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 869

You deserved it 1 009

The date from hell #5676

By DennisQuaide69 - 27/06/2017 00:00

Today, I went on an a date with a guy I met online. We were waiting in line at Starbucks when he turned to me and said, "Do you want anything?" Just before I was about to answer, he practically shoved in front of me and paid for himself. The cashier looked more horrified than I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 410

You deserved it 518

Ménage à nope

By 3somer - 20/08/2017 04:29

Today, I received a text from the woman with whom my boyfriend and I recently had a threesome. After years of fantasizing, I finally experienced what it was like to be with another girl. Now we also get to experience what it's like to have gonorrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 130

You deserved it 5 205

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The Top

Today, I found a picture of my ex with a new boyfriend. This wouldn't be so bad if she didn't break up with me because she was lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 477

You deserved it 1 878

Today, while on a first date, I had to excuse myself to the restroom. I was still tired from pulling an all-nighter, and fell asleep on the toilet. When I woke up and rushed back out, my date was gone. Everyone now thinks I'm an arsehole who pulled the old "window escape" trick on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 834

You deserved it 13 883

Today, I woke up by inhaling a fly up my nose, and feeling it twitching and slowly dying inside my nasal cavity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 963

You deserved it 2 210

Today, I went to the laundromat. I put a load in the dryer and walked away to check on my other load. When I came back, I saw a homeless man putting his dirty, wet underwear in the dryer with my clean clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 363

You deserved it 4 633

Today, after I arrived at work, somebody crashed into my parked car and left a big dent. The impact pushed my car up onto the curb and I got a parking ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 748

You deserved it 363

Today, I picked up a receipt in a parking lot and noticed someone had spent $437 on decorative gourds. My entire day was ruined by questions that would never be answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87

You deserved it 299