By 3somer

Ménage à nope

Today, I received a text from the woman with whom my boyfriend and I recently had a threesome. After years of fantasizing, I finally experienced what it was like to be with another girl. Now we also get to experience what it's like to have gonorrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3822

You deserved it

4787

Tweet

Share

Season finale

Dangling modifier

Whackjobs 'R Us

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, for the second time, I met the man I'm having an arranged marriage with in 3 months. I'd previously met him last night, while he was mugging me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44932

You deserved it

3348

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Sparks

Today, I got a picture message from my aunt that said, "9 out of 10 kids get their awesomeness from their aunt." Normally, I would have agreed, except she forgot my birthday yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40121

You deserved it

3307

Tweet

Share

By imawesome - United States

Today, I wondered if my orgasms are worth the bother, seeing as I get horrible "I feel like I'm dying" cramps every time I climax. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33819

You deserved it

2972

Tweet

Share

By Liv - United Kingdom - Great Bookham

Today, my mother was talking about a holiday she went on this time last year. She turned to me to say, "You would've loved it, it's a shame you couldn't come". I was there. It was just the two of us on holiday together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42776

You deserved it

2790

Tweet

Share

By STOP - Australia - West Hoxton

Today, it's five days until my wedding and I still can't tell my bride apart from her twin sister. They share clothes, have the same haircut, and they even take turns flirting with me to "catch me off guard" because they think it's hilarious to trick me. I'm scared I'll marry the wrong one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

71164

You deserved it

8837

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - North Adams

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father for permission to take his daughter's hand in marriage. He asked me "Which one?" I said "Uh, the one I'm dating... Lisa." He belched and said, "Yeah sure, throw 'er off a cliff for all I care. Piss off, boy." So much for chivalry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38380

You deserved it

3708

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, was my first meeting with business partners as I am new to the team. Instead of saying that I was looking forward to "stretching my legs" or "spreading my wings", I told them I was anxious to start "spreading my legs". FML

I agree, your life sucks

63257

You deserved it

21949

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 23:01

I'm a mess

Today, I went in to return a pack of socks. The cashier told me I couldn't return them. Then, I thought that she hadn't given the unreturnable socks back to me, even though she had, so I ended up getting all hormonal and angry over their return policy. When I got home, my mom got on my case too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

313

You deserved it

1178

Tweet

Share

By earths_venus - Australia

Today, my new coworker told me he expects me to call him King Kong and bow down to him whenever he walks past. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30886

You deserved it

3588

Tweet

Share

By ihateteenagers - United States

Today, a punk-looking college kid was making fun of my mentally handicapped son. Out of anger, I punched him in the face. I got handcuffed and thrown into a police car. The kid stood there laughing and pointing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50439

You deserved it

10023

Tweet

Share

By risingtide

Today, I reached my exam center late after taking wrong metro twice, only to find that I forgot my calculator at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2306

You deserved it

1135

Tweet

Share

By Anemity_is_my_name - 7/1/2021 14:01 - United States

Compassion

Today, I'm exhausted and sore from a long night of pulling semis out of the snow. My wife is pissed because I want to sleep, instead of be with her. Every time I drift off, she starts doing things like loudly unloading the dishwasher or standing by our bedroom door talking loudly on the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1348

You deserved it

73

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Petaluma

Today, I'm a 34 year old male who just got given the sex talk on my Facebook timeline by my senile mother. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks

52437

You deserved it

5736

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Try to do a nice thing…

Today, I mowed our lawn without being asked. My sister wouldn't stop yelling at me for not checking with her, because she wanted the grass to get long enough to "play jungle" in. My mom sided with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1757

You deserved it

114

Tweet

Share

By Anon - United States - Paso Robles

Today, I had to pee during a supervised lockdown. I asked my teacher to take me since we couldn't be in the halls alone. Since class was going, she couldn't take me. Much to my dismay, she sent a school-wide email asking for someone to take me to pee. Six teachers took me, including my principal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49403

You deserved it

5225

Tweet

Share

By Meow - Australia

Today, while working at McDonald's a car full of obnoxious teens came through. They had made a $30 order, and handed me a tin of small change, claiming that on a McDonald's ad they saw that we, employees, liked counting change. I had to count out $30 in spare change during a rush period at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57172

You deserved it

4869

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a grocery store with my great-grandmother. It would've been nice to know she hadn't taken her medication before she started beating the cashier with her umbrella. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26384

You deserved it

2258

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Moment ruined

Today, I tried to relieve my back pain by lounging in a jacuzzi at my mother's house. All was going well until I accidentally knocked an opened container of bath salts into the tub, which got sucked into the jet system, shooting tiny, sharp, barely dissolved pieces of salt into my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19478

You deserved it

3356

Tweet

Share

By PCJJacket - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend while my parents were out. After they got home, my dog brought out our used condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52103

You deserved it

26033

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I waited over an hour for my bus. As I finally saw it approaching, I reached into my purse to grab my ticket. The lady next to me then gave the driver a hand signal to keep driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37333

You deserved it

3024

Tweet

Share

By blank - United States

Today, I came home to my boyfriend wearing one of my pads on his hand, because he didn't want to pay to go to the hospital for stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33276

You deserved it

4109

Tweet

Share

By How's the salmon? - United States

Today, my drunken mother shouted to me at the top of her lungs, "All men are fucking assholes, and your new husband is no different!" during our wedding reception. All he did was ask her how she liked the salmon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33503

You deserved it

3046

Tweet

Share

By NoPainNoGain - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth pulled. Apparently the medicines don't work on me. I woke up in the middle of the surgery and felt EVERYTHING. One of the nurses asked if I was okay, and the doctor just kept saying "Don't worry she's just dreaming", while tears were pouring down my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58291

You deserved it

2585

Tweet

Share

By this sucks - United States - El Paso

Today, after gaining all the weight back that I had lost after my first marriage, I realized that the only thing that fits me now is my wedding ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40041

You deserved it

9795

Tweet

Share

By mrsfantastic - United Kingdom

Today, I was recovering from an operation. After I felt better, I checked my phone. There were 35 missed calls and angry text messages from my boyfriend asking why I wasn't at his house to cook his dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42469

You deserved it

6476

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Baltimore

Today, after applying for a job at a tanning salon, I was told they don't hire "naturally tan" people. I'm black. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52219

You deserved it

4397

Tweet

Share

By Crushed

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip this weekend so that she won't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9798

You deserved it

1138

Tweet

Share

By freakingow - United States

Today, I opened the freezer for some Poptarts and a giant block of meat fell and broke my toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28901

You deserved it

6826

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, I went out with a guy I really liked for the first time. He tried to hold my hands, only to be stopped by my mum, jumping out from nowhere saying "Oh no you don't!" before slapping him. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45882

You deserved it

3648

Tweet

Share

By chickennbenchpress - Canada

Today, I was on my third date with a really hot girl. A guy walked by singing the Pokémon theme song. She started making fun of the guy, mocking his immaturity. I joined in order to keep the conversation going. Everything was going great but then my phone rang. It was the Pokémon theme song. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18018

You deserved it

81206

Tweet

Share

By

Today, I got pulled over for violating hands-free law and not having an updated address on my driver's license. Two days ago, I got pulled over for the same reasons. Now, I have four tickets I need to deal with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

654

You deserved it

4442

Tweet

Share

By MirandaJones - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was helping out during the school play's interval. My head of year jokingly asked me to follow him around with these mini cocktail sausages for the rest of the school year. I thought it would be witty to reply, "Does that make me your official sausage holder?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

28432

You deserved it

8842

Tweet

Share

By Anonyme - France - Aix-en-provence

Today, on a train, I nearly choked while sleeping with my mouth wide open. The little old lady sitting opposite me was entertaining herself by throwing little pieces of balled-up tin foil into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47893

You deserved it

7731

Tweet

Share

By ohhhgross - Singapore

Today, while I was eating, my younger sister came over and sat beside me. She started clipping her toenails. Disgusted by it, I turned and opened my mouth to tell her to move somewhere else, just as one flew inside my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36175

You deserved it

5323

Tweet

Share

By imabadperson - United States

Today, I introduced myself as a sex addict, as a joke, to break the ice while meeting new people. One of my friends took me seriously and said he was a porn addict. He told me how happy he was that he had found someone else who had the same feelings and was so happy he could confide in me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9466

You deserved it

44035

Tweet

Share

By Michael tee - United States

Today, I asked my dad if I was a planned baby. He asked me if the crazy drunken party he and my mom had nine months prior to my birth counted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26306

You deserved it

5006

Tweet

Share

By AnhHung123 - 20/12/2020 16:58

Proper banter

Today, I was on a chat site and a couple of cute guys asked for my "ASL". I had no idea what that meant so I asked one of my cousins. He said it meant "asshole" and that they were calling me an asshole. So I cursed at everyone who was actually asking for my "age, sex and location." FML

I agree, your life sucks

284

You deserved it

1052

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, I was disciplined by my boss for "not smiling enough." I'm a dishwasher. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45305

You deserved it

4817

Tweet

Share

By broke

Today, just like the past 2 weeks, I'm so broke that I only got to eat dinner because I went on a first date with a guy from Tinder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13363

You deserved it

2660

Tweet

Share

By Joel_28 - Canada

Today, I went to the physician to check my rear because it was hurting. My usual doctor wasn't available, so he was replaced by a gorgeous woman with big cleavage. when she asked me to pull down my pants, she saw that I had a huge hard on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17422

You deserved it

20512

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7531735 - Sunday 20 August 2017 5:27

I salute you! You deserve a round of applause for having such an adventure. Or, at least a clap.

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7531730 - Sunday 20 August 2017 5:04

You should have been tested beforehand. And used protection. Hope this clears up soon.

COMMENTS

By alvarny | 17

#7531728 - Sunday 20 August 2017 4:44

the experience just got more memorable...

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7531730 - Sunday 20 August 2017 5:04

You should have been tested beforehand. And used protection. Hope this clears up soon.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7531735 - Sunday 20 August 2017 5:27

I salute you! You deserve a round of applause for having such an adventure. Or, at least a clap.

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#7533498 - Thursday 24 August 2017 20:43

Never change.

By azouwa | 26

#7531744 - Sunday 20 August 2017 6:03

There is a cure for that.

By acmariner99 | 24

#7531750 - Sunday 20 August 2017 7:30

*slow clap*

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7531850 - Sunday 20 August 2017 14:38

The clap has to be quick and firm to get out all of the pus.

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7531858 - Sunday 20 August 2017 15:03

Unless you really know the person, safe sex is the only way.

By Talented73 | 54

#7531935 - Sunday 20 August 2017 19:24

YDI. Never have sex with a stranger.... Unless you are "stranger" than they are!

By Lee Elliott | 4

#7532055 - Monday 21 August 2017 3:09

hell, that's just a shot. least it wasn't something you get to take with you forever.