By 3somer

Ménage à nope

Today, I received a text from the woman with whom my boyfriend and I recently had a threesome. After years of fantasizing, I finally experienced what it was like to be with another girl. Now we also get to experience what it's like to have gonorrhea. FML

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This is fine

Damp, dark night

The World won't Listen

By womanoski - United States - Fishers

Today, while taking a bus full of loud, rambunctious elementary children to school, the bus slowly slid off the road into a ditch. After waiting 30 minutes that felt like hours, I saw the tow truck arriving from the opposite direction also slide slowly off the roadway into the opposite ditch. FML

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By susan - United States - Naperville

Today, my daughter had a meltdown when I told her I donated some of her old toys to Goodwill. It turns out Toy Story has taught her that toys have feelings and that she has a meaningful relationship with them. She's in her teens. FML

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By CEO - United States - Bristow

Dating is hell

Today, I went on a date for the first time since my divorce was finalized a year ago. The first question the guy asked me was what my favorite sex position is. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I was walking down the street in the dark, and the woman in front of me kept looking back nervously. I jokingly assured her that I wasn't a mugger. She then took out a knife and mugged me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Waterville

Today, I had to babysit both my neighbor's 3-year-old daughter and my very pregnant cat. I left the room briefly, only to come back to a traumatized 3-year-old crying in horror as my cat gave birth in front of her. FML

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By santasadiekins - United States

Today, I was camping out under the stars on my trampoline. I was just about asleep when I felt a tickle on my arm. Figuring it was an ant, I brushed it off. The rest of the red ants crawling up my arm didn't like that. FML

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By "burnuptowndow"

Today, we got a new boss. This would have been great if he knew how to do his job. I've spent the last week training a guy who hits on co-workers and gets paid twice as much as me. FML

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By eyesightfail - United States

Today, I saw a squirrel beside a tree. Thinking it was cute, I stepped closer, picked up a pine cone and tried to lure it to come closer. After about two minutes of silently squatting on someone's lawn holding a pine cone, I realized the squirrel was dead. FML

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By Pratik_ra - 1/12/2020 07:58

Rolling in it

Today, I got raise at work. It's $3 per month. FML

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By novaguy - United States

Today, I learned that, when choking on a piece of food, you can cough hard enough to partially prolapse a hemorrhoid. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I discovered that when my doctor said my new medication "may cause sensitivity to sunlight" what he meant was "sit in total darkness during the day or your skin will feel like its burning off." FML

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By Kurochrome - United States

Today, after spending over $1000 on plane tickets, I'm visiting my family for the first time in five years. Two hours after I arrived, everyone is screaming at each other and taking their rage out on me. They still ask why I never visit. FML

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By Dansonn - United States

Today, after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on my windshield. The note read, "F*** you, Jackson." I'm Tyler. Jackson is my co-worker. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out with my girlfriend at a club. As a slow dance began, a guy approached and asked, "May I cut in?" My girlfriend surprised me by saying, "Sure!" As I was about to protest, the guy cut me off and said, "Sorry miss, I was asking him." FML

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By Roxas - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket in the mail. I don't have a car. FML

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By luceeloo

Today, I spent my working day teaching my new Supervisor the basics of Excel. Until two weeks ago, he was the Office Junior. He and I applied for the same job, but he got it based on the strengths of his "far superior" Excel skills. I'm now teaching him how to do the job that I didn't get. FML

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By canadiansun - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my dad. He met him after my boyfriend ran his truck into a tree, and my dad had to pick us up. FML

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By darkman28 - United States

Today, I was looking at the page of a girl I've had this big crush on for a long time. After getting a date with her and taking her horse back riding and having a picture taken of the two of us I find that she paint shopped me out of the picture before posting it. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, I was driving and saw two hot girls on the sidewalk so I rolled down the window to whistle at them. However, I failed to notice that the car in front of me had stopped at a red light. I rear ended the car, the girls ran away laughing their asses off, and now I have to pay for the damage. FML

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By Bareassed - United States

Today, I was at a water park with my family. They wanted me to stand underneath this big bucket filled with water. I didn't know it tips over, and my swimsuit isn't the tightest, so when all the water fell down, my swimsuit bottoms fell to my knees in front of tons of kids. FML

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By Vincent - United States - Overland Park

Today, I asked my mom why she had two tooth brushes: one manual and one electric. She said: "I only use the manual one for brushing my teeth." FML

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By feelin a lil left out - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I found out what it means to be the only single person in my group of friends. They had a New Year's party and didn't invite me because they didn't want me to "feel alone". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2020 08:03

MILF

Today, I was watching porn and found my mom on a webcam. When I told her that I saw her, she just took away my computer and told me to get off porn. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 5 years. She bitched me out for not getting the ring she had been "hinting" me to get, and angrily left. FML

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By winks - United States - Reno

Today, I got into a car accident that was my fault. The other driver was my professor. FML

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By Flicker - Australia

Today, my football club gave us all jerseys with our last names on them. My last name is 'Flicker'. The letters are all in uppercase. And the 'L' and the 'I' are joined together at the bottom. My jersey reads 'FUCKER'. FML

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By Anonymous - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, my friends told me they have been able to see all my BDSM likes in their Facebook feeds. My family and coworkers also follow me. FML

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By Spelit - United States

Today, I finished painting my living room. I had to leave the house in a rush. When I got home, I found smears of paint all around and the carpet crusted with paint that had dried. My cat had rubbed up against the walls and tracked it around. FML

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By brokewithnocar

Today, my mom changed her mind about driving me to a job interview because she wants to attend a meeting at a church she told me she'd never go back to, full of people she hates. I can't drive because she refuses to teach me how. There's no public transportation. FML

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By mrdave - Canada

Today, I looked in my pocket for the phone number of a girl I met last night at a party. I remembered us talking and exchanging phone numbers. When I found the piece of paper, I discovered that instead of writing her number down, I had drunkenly written down my own. FML

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By Chronicus Ironia - United States

Today, I found out that my wife is leaving me for a tattoo artist. I was in rehab and she met him getting a tattoo as a surprise for me. FML

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By ziatenaj - United States

Today, at work, I was trying to repeat an order back to this guy, when his drunk girlfriend started to interrupt me. Whenever I would open my mouth, she would say "Blah blah blah." Literally. Eventually, I gave up. I got his order wrong, and got yelled at by my manager for not repeating his order. FML

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By birdsterrifyme - United States - Sikeston

Today, I decided to confront my fear of birds when my friend's pet bird was walking up to me. He got on my arm, climbed up and attacked my face. FML

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By Nicky13Na

Today, I hit the six-year mark for daily vomiting. All the doctor can say is that it's psychological. FML

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By Broken - United States - Billerica

Today, I took my nephew to the roller rink and I broke not one arm but both. Now I can't even wipe. FML

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By college parking sucks - United States - Deltona

Today, for the first time this semester, I was able to get parking in time for my Wednesday class. The professor was sick and class was cancelled. FML

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By Floof - United States

Today, I was skiing in Vermont for the third day straight. Since I was getting very little sleep, on the top of the chairlift I let out a huge yawn, pulling a muscle in my face. As I slid down the ramp, everyone saw me thrashing my head around and making funny, painful faces as I fell down. FML

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By wowjuststop - United States

Today, I got offered a ride to go home for the weekend. I go to college six hours away from home and haven't seen my family for almost two months. When I called my mom with the good news, she told me not to come. FML

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By ekoblick - United States

Today, I got food poisoning from my wedding food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Anyone for cake?

Today, it was my boyfriend's mom's surprise birthday party. I was sent to pick up the very expensive cake and dozens of balloons. Not only was it windy and the balloons flew away, I tripped and dropped the cake. In the driveway in front of all their family and friends. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7531735 - Sunday 20 August 2017 5:27

I salute you! You deserve a round of applause for having such an adventure. Or, at least a clap.

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7531730 - Sunday 20 August 2017 5:04

You should have been tested beforehand. And used protection. Hope this clears up soon.

COMMENTS

By alvarny | 17

#7531728 - Sunday 20 August 2017 4:44

the experience just got more memorable...

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7531730 - Sunday 20 August 2017 5:04

You should have been tested beforehand. And used protection. Hope this clears up soon.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7531735 - Sunday 20 August 2017 5:27

I salute you! You deserve a round of applause for having such an adventure. Or, at least a clap.

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#7533498 - Thursday 24 August 2017 20:43

Never change.

By azouwa | 26

#7531744 - Sunday 20 August 2017 6:03

There is a cure for that.

By acmariner99 | 24

#7531750 - Sunday 20 August 2017 7:30

*slow clap*

Reply

RichardPencil | 29

#7531850 - Sunday 20 August 2017 14:38

The clap has to be quick and firm to get out all of the pus.

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7531858 - Sunday 20 August 2017 15:03

Unless you really know the person, safe sex is the only way.

By Talented73 | 54

#7531935 - Sunday 20 August 2017 19:24

YDI. Never have sex with a stranger.... Unless you are "stranger" than they are!

By Lee Elliott | 4

#7532055 - Monday 21 August 2017 3:09

hell, that's just a shot. least it wasn't something you get to take with you forever.