Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before...

By Anonymous - 27/11/2015 06:42 - France - Cateri

Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before having sex. When I came home, I realised he must have married my roommate. FML

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Intimacy

Work name

All in the family

Vultures

By "nzfireman" - 4/9/2017 13:00

Today, while going into the fire station for a call out, I opened my locker door on our only available driver and knocked him out. FML

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By Username - 9/5/2011 07:38

Today, I learned that chivalry truly is dead when a seemingly fit man pushed me into a door to get a seat on the train before me. My leg is in a cast. FML

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By nooooo - 17/3/2011 01:25 - United States

Today, I have no cell phone reception as I am visiting family who lives on the side of a mountain. They told me there was service on top of the mountain, so I hiked up. Only when I got there did I realize I'd left my phone back down at the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2009 12:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that I have developed an allergy to salt water on my face. Now, every time I sweat or cry, I come up in a bright red rash. I am allergic to my own bodily fluids. FML

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By human - 21/6/2019 00:01

Today, I had a dream in which I was eating vast quantities of pizza, cookies, and pastries. I became so anxious about all the calories that I woke up. Even in my dreams I'm self conscious about my diet. FML

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By all5fingers - 8/9/2011 05:23 - Canada

Today, I was playing my guitar and felt something like an itch under my foot, so I attempted to scratch it by rubbing against the floor. The big cockroach made a very distinct "crunch". FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 23:32 - Antigua and Barbuda

Today, I passed a car, and heard a baby crying in the back seat. It was hot and no one was around. All the doors were locked so I broke it with a rock, cutting my arm and setting the alarm off. Only to find out that it was a realistic baby doll. I have to get 7 stitches and pay for the window. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 04:57 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, my husband wanted me to "spice up" our sex life. I guess he didn't count on me vomiting when he came in my mouth. We won't be getting intimate again for a long, long time now. FML

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By nikki - 4/8/2012 20:05 - Greece - K

Today, what I thought would be a romantic sleepover with the guy I like quickly turned into hell on earth when his girlfriend showed up. I had to scale the fire escape in my underwear so I could get back to my car in one piece. FML

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By knews - 18/3/2010 04:46 - United States

Today, my mom sent me beautiful candlesticks along with some half burned candles. I thanked her. She told me the candlesticks were a wedding gift to my grandmother 85 years ago. Then she said the candles were used at my grandma's wedding. I had already lit them. FML

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By "syd_the_kidd_9707" - 25/2/2019 00:00

Today, I went in my car to a very important job interview. I was out of gas, so I had to get some on the way. When i was done pumping, I went to get back in and the door handle broke off on the driver's side. Then I blew a tire on a piece of metal. Needless to say, I lost my chance. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2010 09:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to use my epilator on my eyebrows. Needless to say I now have the eyebrow equivalent of a comb-over. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2017 18:00

Today, my housemate blew chunks all over the freshly-painted walls in the bathroom. The paint was still wet. FML

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By mooned - 3/2/2018 01:30

Today, I went to a yoga class for the first time in a few years. When I went to change afterwards, I realized I'd split my pants at some point during the class. I think I understand why the girls behind me were laughing so hard now. FML

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By roadkill - 28/2/2011 15:50 - United States

Today, an old lady hit me with her car. After which she says, "Oh! Not Again!" FML

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By unitythemene - 4/7/2019 22:00

Today, I was worried because it's July and I still haven't found a summer job, despite applying to 50 places. It was fine, because I remembered my savings account. I told my parents. Instead of being relieved, they said they're going to take the money from me for being lazy, and using it for my tuition, despite promising to pay for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, I had nothing better to do than make a penis out of silly putty. FML

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By Grauncho - 22/9/2012 14:12 - United States - Chicago

Today, while dog sitting my neighbor's Great Dane, I decided to order pizza. As soon as I received it, the dog stood in the hallway staring at me. As soon as I moved, he ran full force and knocked me into the door, causing me to fall and drop the pizza, which he promptly devoured in front of me. FML

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By Hooty - 2/9/2015 21:52 - United States - Groveton

Today, I had yet another debilitating migraine that kept me awake. In the middle of the night, I heard an owl hooting. Thinking it was cool, I moved closer to the open window to hear better. After a few minutes, I realized it was actually my new neighbor having loud sex. My aunt moved in next door. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2012 05:16 - United States

Today, my little brother went through all the artistic anatomy reference books and colored in all the nipples and penises with a bright pink sharpie. These books were from the library. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2019 16:00

Today, the guy I've been talking to for two months told me he hooked up with a girl last night, before blocking me on everything. I also was with him last night. FML

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By Username - 8/10/2010 10:53 - France

Today, I was making my bed which would normally be a simple task, until I leaned into the wooden foot of my bed, and put my entire body weight on my left nut. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2020 18:00

Our house, was a very very very nice house

Today, my house caught on fire. After it was put out, I realized the damage wasn't bad, mainly smoke damage. I went to my parents' for the night because my house smelled. While there, I received a phone call from my neighbor. Apparently, my house caught fire again. It's now a pile of ashes. FML

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By musicyman55 - 19/12/2009 07:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend who I love very deeply dumped me two times, over the phone. The first time was to dump me. She then called me back a couple hours later explicitly to dump our friendship. I was just friend dumped. FML

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By Noname - 29/10/2011 11:02 - United States

Today, I drove home on my birthday, and my mom said she'd meet me there. I was a little surprised to get home and find she wasn't there, but even more shocked to see my rabbit run over in my driveway. Turns out he'd gotten loose and my mom had run him over, panicked, and left. FML

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By totallymyfaultyeah - 18/7/2017 05:00

Today, it was my 23rd birthday. I didn't make it to my party because I was rear-ended on the way there by a 16-year-old in a red mustang going 50+ mph. My birthday cake landed in my lap and I was yelled at by his mother for getting chocolate icing on their insurance card. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2019 20:00

Today, I realized cigarettes are my cure for boredom. I bore myself out of $2000-plus a year. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2009 21:52 - United States

Today, I was at my senior dance dancing with this guy I really like. He was telling me how he likes a strong woman who's not afraid to make the first move. Empowered by what he said, I asked him out. He said no because he thinks girls shouldn't ask guys out. FML

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By ants9omarching - 10/3/2011 01:48 - United States

Today, the seat in my car broke and wouldn't move forward. I had to walk to school in the rain because I was too short to reach the pedals. FML

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By Nobody - 27/11/2009 21:39 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife had an affair with our marriage counselor. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 09:26 - United States

Today, I acted like I always do when I'm alone in my seemingly sound-proof apartment. I sang loudly, talked back to the TV, used my vibrator. Later, in the silence of the night, I heard my neighbor next door YAWNING. FML

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By babs - 7/5/2013 19:07 - United States

Today, I was in the doctor's office waiting for my husband to arrive, when a little old lady sat beside me. She seemed nice, until she started farting and blaming it on me. They weren't silent; they sounded like trucker farts and smelled like death. I was there for over an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2010 07:04 - United States

Today, I got a call from this girl I really like. Surprised, as I never get anything other than a text from her, I answered. All I heard were rustling sounds. She had pocket dialed me. FML

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By WeighYourWords - 3/5/2016 11:12 - Belgium - Overheid

Today, my overweight colleague twisted his ankle. He's pretty self-conscious about his weight, but I had a brain-fart and told him he shouldn't try to put too much weight on it. His feelings are more hurt than his ankle now. FML

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By ribbonsundone - 6/1/2010 10:07 - United States

Today, I treated my friends to lunch at a posh restaurant because it's my birthday. While we were walking leisurely around the mall afterwards, their boyfriends showed up. I spent the next few hours walking alone behind them while they were walking hand in hand with their boyfriends. FML

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By shira512 - 10/8/2012 23:59 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, after much debate, my husband convinced me to let his scumbag brother babysit our seven-year-old son while we went out to a restaurant. When we got home, we found him teaching our son how to pick the lock to our liquor cabinet. My husband is unapologetic. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2012 20:02 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I had an IUD put in two years ago that's supposed to prevent pregnancy. To put it in perspective, less than 1% of people using this IUD get pregnant. Lucky me. FML

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By ashamed - 9/5/2020 02:00

Body issues

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me showering in the dark. When he asked why, I just told him it’s more relaxing for me. Truth is, after losing 120 lbs, I’m so disgusted by the look of my sagging skin that I can’t bear to see myself naked anymore. FML

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By Tupac - 18/10/2017 05:00

Today, I got a new title at work. My boss hyped it up and made it sound amazing, so I accepted. Come to find out it pays 20k less a year and is twice as much work. FML

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By sadguy - 18/2/2009 22:07 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a girl I really like for the first time. After a while I told her I was about to come. Her response: "Lucky you." FML

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Top comments

By conman531 | 23

#6471911 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:40

And they weren't even kind enough to invite you to the wedding

By JessieTaft | 17

#6471908 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:39

I'm sorry OP! I hope you broke up with him and find someone you deserve soon!

Comments

By mr_t_07 | 10

#6471905 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:37

Surprise!!!

gamermonster | 34

#6472140 - Saturday 28 November 2015 0:19

Surprise! You got voted the fuck down for posting an unneeded comment

oiler | 21

#6472182 - Saturday 28 November 2015 1:11

Surprise! so did you for posting something as stupid @44

gamermonster | 34

#6472433 - Saturday 28 November 2015 11:02

I know oiler ;) just wanted to mention that to him :)

NotCharlieRost | 15

#6473017 - Sunday 29 November 2015 4:59

why did 44 get down voted? It was needed in my opinion but maybe I'm wrong

By EverestMelting | 23

#6471906 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:38

Clearly, you're better off moving on and trying to find a new roommate when lease is up.

By robsic66 | 14

#6471907 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:39

Well now you'll have the place to yourself once you kill your boyfriend and roommate

oiler | 21

#6471927 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:47

calm down satan

deathshead | 19

#6472849 - Sunday 29 November 2015 0:45

he cant be satan, my cats satan.

KK3137 | 31

#6475048 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 16:52

Satan can come in many forms..

By JessieTaft | 17

#6471908 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:39

I'm sorry OP! I hope you broke up with him and find someone you deserve soon!

lurker_no_more | 13

#6471958 - Friday 27 November 2015 19:22

The wording "had a boyfriend" leads me to believe that she did in fact break up with him :)

By BWARD51 | 12

#6471910 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:40

I literally lol'd at this.

Tripartita | 44

#6471914 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:41

No, no, no, I'm sure it was metaphorical laughter.

By conman531 | 23

#6471911 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:40

And they weren't even kind enough to invite you to the wedding

higgysaurus | 18

#6472100 - Friday 27 November 2015 23:27

What kind of boyfriend doesn't invite you to his own wedding with a different person??? I would break up with him.

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6471912 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:40

He's not worth marrying, or even being with casually. Don't waste your time with idiots. You'll find someone better.

By darksoul43 | 11

#6471915 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:41

Wow what a douchebag. You're better off without a cheating bastard like him.

By BellaP13 | 24

#6471916 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:41

Dump him and fast OP. And if you can get a new room mate asap

By FSGInsainity | 15

#6471917 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:43

and they didn't when invite you?! How rude!