Intimacy: Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before...

By Anonymous - France - Cateri

Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before having sex. When I came home, I realised he must have married my roommate. FML

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Intimacy

Dementia or hate? You decide

Out of it

Triage

By dulllife - United States

Today, I noticed we had gotten new colored toothpicks at the restaurant I work at. That was the highlight of my day. Apparently my life has gotten so boring I get excited over colored toothpicks. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my social life consists of eavesdropping on my two coworkers chatting. FML

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1434

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By biglady - Canada

Today, I downloaded an application for my phone that reads whatever you type out loud. I started making it say things like "You like it when daddy spanks your tight little ass don't you?" Just as the message was playing back out loud, my mom walked up the stairs. FML

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By horny and alone

Today, I went home with my cute coworker. What started out as a little dirty talk and teasing ended with him admitting he was in a terrible emotional place and sending me home in an Uber so he could sleep. FML

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By overexcited - United States

Today, I woke up in the hospital. I had apparently overworked my heart so much that I fainted. What caused it? I was playing a racing game on my Wii and freaked out when I won first place. FML

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By Biological - United States

Today, I found out that I was not adopted and in fact my parents are my biological parents. How did I find out? Over dinner. How long have I been believing I was adopted? 22 years. Why did I start believing I was adopted? My siblings thought it would be a funny joke. My mom played along. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found my dad's porn stash on his laptop. I went through it for a laugh to see what kind of sick, twisted shit he's into. Mostly nude pictures of my mum, as it turns out. I can't wipe the afterimage from my mind. FML

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By areyouserious - United States - Fresno

Today, my older brother thinks typing out a Wikipedia article for an essay is not plagiarism, because he didn't "copy and paste" it. He's in college. FML

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By AnalProbe

Today, my mother warned me that if I ever have anal sex I will die. I'm 28. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Keuka Park

Today, my boyfriend tried to claim it was my fault that he cheated on me, all because I "deprived" him of sex for two weeks last month when I went on a family vacation. If his mental gymnastics were physical, I swear he'd be able to suck his own cock. FML

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By Roma - United States - Chevy Chase

Today I asked my mother-in-law to borrow a plunger, so she asked what I needed it for. "Poop," I replied. "I've told you this before," she huffed, "you have to poop a little and then flush, poop a little and flush. You can't go all at once." I can't even shit right for this woman. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I walked in on my husband drinking the breast milk I had bottled for our child. His defense was that it's easy to confuse the container for the normal milk with the one for the breast milk. Can someone please explain to me how a person can confuse a milk carton with a baby bottle? FML

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By meaganlea - Canada

Today, my boss made me some tortellini for lunch. As I was happily eating it, he started to give me a massage, while talking to his friends in Greek. He told me that he said "She's my #1 cashier." Turns out, what he really said was "See, if you feed them well, they let you touch them." FML

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By WarMachine68 - United States - Shawnee

Today, just before a job interview, I coughed so violently that I lost my voice. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, whilst walking to a primary school to give pupils a lesson on cleanliness, I tripped and landed on a dog turd. FML

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By a-mishunderstanding

Today, I was working in costume at a recreation of a Confederation-era town. I had to convince a visitor that it's not, in fact, an Amish village, and we do actually leave after five. FML

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By Tomb Raider Wannabe - Australia - Premer

Today, I was feeling really good about myself for running and walking everywhere so much so that I was out of breath and panting. Well, until I remembered that I was playing a video game and it was my character that was doing the running around that is. FML

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By wannadi - United States - Camden

Today, I was told by co-workers with whom I have worked for 2 years that I tan too much and dye my hair black too often. I'm from the Middle East and have never tanned nor dyed my hair. My co-workers think I'm a wannabe. FML

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By signinept - United States

Today, I got really annoyed waiting for a bus that was supposed to come every 10 minutes. After a few minutes of waiting, I realized the "bus stop" was really a no parking sign. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my landlady decided to fix the leak in my room. Her solution was repainting the ceiling. Now not only is my room still wet but it now reeks of paint thinner. FML

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By Awesome - Russian Federation

Today, I found out that I was moving to Germany. I'm going to be put back a year in school because of the system change. I also don't speak a word of German. Why? Because my mother wants to brag about this experience to her friends. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was shopping in an upscale store. As I was changing, I heard one of the snobby saleswomen say to mine "You shouldn't bother. She isn't going to buy anything." Determined to "show her", I purchased everything I'd tried on. It came to around $500. My credit card was declined. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my new anxiety medicine fully entered my system. It makes me shit my brains out. I can either fart and risk shitting my pants every time or I can be too anxious to even enter a public place. FML

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By bshoemaker45601 - United States - Circleville

Today, I got a job at a casino where I was actually planning on spending my 21st birthday next month. After they hired me, they told me no employees are allowed to play or gamble on or off the clock, for as long as they are employed there, or termination will immediately follow. FML

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By In urgent need of a new roommate - United States - West Linn

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching. Turns out, my roommate bought a parrot without consulting me first. Even better, my roommate expects me to pay for half of the bird's expenses. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, my husband was chased out of a bar after he was seen slipping something into a woman's drink. I was the woman, the 'something' was aspirin, and that's the last time we ever try to role-play. FML

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By Ouch - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, I tried to beat my dad to the car. I jumped over the steel cables in the parking structure and hit my head on a metal pipe, then bounced off the wires, and onto my back on the pavement. Good thing we were already at the hospital to visit my sick mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to show up early for work and really try to get off my manager's shit-list. On my way to work, my manager called to bitch me out for already being 30 minutes late. Yeah, I forgot about Daylight Savings Time. FML

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By spaghett - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after jumping into a public swimming pool, the female lifeguard, who I have had a crush on for years whistled at me. When I got out of the water, she handed me the bathing suit I'd apparently lost. FML

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By ge fu yo twa

Today, after house sitting for my future father-in-law and managing to keep things spotless for 3 weeks, a pipe burst. It flooded the place and shorted out a plug socket, causing a fire that ruined the front room. He gets home in 3 hours. I'm screwed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my teacher read my story about a haunted house for a class assignment. She liked it very much and turned it in to the office to be sent into a state writing competition. An hour later, I was called to the office where the guidance counselor called my work "disturbing" and said I "need help". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at the park and needed to take a piss really badly. I opened my car door and stood to pee, but good old Mother Nature ran by and the wind blew it all into my car. My entire driver side smells like pee. FML

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By facepalming all the way - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I had to explain to my incredibly sheltered 15-year-old brother that no, you don't wear condoms on your balls, and that they don't work by squeezing your balls so the sperm are blocked from coming out when you ejaculate. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it's my wedding day, and I have uncontrollable diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cortland

Today, my Axe shampoo, body wash, and deodorant finally did their job: they got a girl to notice me. Too bad the girl was my grandma. FML

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By kmtranter - United Kingdom - Wembley

Today, I woke up to find my boyfriend using my hand to wank. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my little girl spoke her first word. It was ''Daddy''. Daddy left before she was born and she has never met him before. FML

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By yarenis - United States - Gardner

Today, like every day since I was born, my name is Yarenis, pronounced "ja-ra-nees. For some reason, everybody pronounce it "your anus". FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I got an anonymous letter, stating my condo's community and all my neighbors can hear me having sex. Not only that, but kids gather around my window to listen. FML

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Top comments

By conman531 | 23

#6471911 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:40

And they weren't even kind enough to invite you to the wedding

By JessieTaft | 17

#6471908 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:39

I'm sorry OP! I hope you broke up with him and find someone you deserve soon!

COMMENTS

By mr_t_07 | 10

#6471905 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:37

Surprise!!!

gamermonster | 34

#6472140 - Saturday 28 November 2015 0:19

Surprise! You got voted the fuck down for posting an unneeded comment

oiler | 21

#6472182 - Saturday 28 November 2015 1:11

Surprise! so did you for posting something as stupid @44

gamermonster | 34

#6472433 - Saturday 28 November 2015 11:02

I know oiler ;) just wanted to mention that to him :)

NotCharlieRost | 15

#6473017 - Sunday 29 November 2015 4:59

why did 44 get down voted? It was needed in my opinion but maybe I'm wrong

By EverestMelting | 23

#6471906 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:38

Clearly, you're better off moving on and trying to find a new roommate when lease is up.

By robsic66 | 14

#6471907 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:39

Well now you'll have the place to yourself once you kill your boyfriend and roommate

oiler | 21

#6471927 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:47

calm down satan

deathshead | 19

#6472849 - Sunday 29 November 2015 0:45

he cant be satan, my cats satan.

KK3137 | 31

#6475048 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 16:52

Satan can come in many forms..

By JessieTaft | 17

#6471908 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:39

I'm sorry OP! I hope you broke up with him and find someone you deserve soon!

lurker_no_more | 13

#6471958 - Friday 27 November 2015 19:22

The wording "had a boyfriend" leads me to believe that she did in fact break up with him :)

By BWARD51 | 12

#6471910 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:40

I literally lol'd at this.

Tripartita | 44

#6471914 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:41

No, no, no, I'm sure it was metaphorical laughter.

By conman531 | 23

#6471911 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:40

And they weren't even kind enough to invite you to the wedding

higgysaurus | 18

#6472100 - Friday 27 November 2015 23:27

What kind of boyfriend doesn't invite you to his own wedding with a different person??? I would break up with him.

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6471912 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:40

He's not worth marrying, or even being with casually. Don't waste your time with idiots. You'll find someone better.

By darksoul43 | 11

#6471915 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:41

Wow what a douchebag. You're better off without a cheating bastard like him.

By BellaP13 | 24

#6471916 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:41

Dump him and fast OP. And if you can get a new room mate asap

By FSGInsainity | 15

#6471917 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:43

and they didn't when invite you?! How rude!