Intimacy: Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before...

By Anonymous - 27/11/2015 06:42 - France - Cateri

Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before having sex. When I came home, I realised he must have married my roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 358

You deserved it 2 164

Intimacy

Compromises

You tried

The I in LGBTQA+

Take what you can get

By Anonymous - 20/04/2021 00:30 - Netherlands

Today, I got the most action I've had in about 3 years when my dentist pressed her boobs against the top of my head to fill my cavities. I really need to get me a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 737

You deserved it 126

By zachadams - 16/09/2013 21:03 - United States - Buffalo

Today, at a family party, my uncles were complimenting my mom on her pies. I cooked them. She took all the credit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 543

You deserved it 3 492

By J-Ro - 04/03/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my guy, who is a PhD candidate, informed me that it is his goal in life to own every Will Ferrell movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 464

You deserved it 12 301

By Snails - 12/06/2019 20:00

Today, while at work, I let out a nasty wet fart, thinking no one would hear me since I work in a warehouse. My coworker did hear me, and replied, "WTF? Shots fired! Shots fired!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 407

You deserved it 700

By PseudoHappiness - 18/07/2016 00:16 - United States

Today, I found out my debit card information has been compromised and that someone in San Jose, CA has completely drained my bank account. Joke's on them though. I was already broke as fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 583

You deserved it 1 344

By Anonymous - 14/03/2014 05:07 - Australia - Brighton

Today, I had the cops called on me for acting suspiciously. I was using a payphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 595

You deserved it 3 998

By Hooker - 28/03/2013 23:58 - United States

Today, I was on a girls' trip in Las Vegas. I met a cute guy at a bar and we were going back to his hotel room together. On the way up, he asked me how much it would cost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 957

You deserved it 20 516

You give me fever

By Boredstoner420 - 14/03/2020 21:00

Today, I got way too bored and stoned, so I created a Tinder profile named "Covid" with a picture of the Coronavirus and a funny description. I'd never had so many matches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 144

You deserved it 724

By Anonymous - 16/01/2010 16:44 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my amazing boyfriend. As we were getting dressed, I realized I had lost my bra. After intense searching I finally found it and put it on. It wasn't mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 650

You deserved it 4 189

By no name - 22/06/2013 07:20 - United States - Gaylord

Today, while working at my job at a nursing home, I slipped and fell. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just water. No, one of the residents had just had an "accident". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 694

You deserved it 3 821

By HELP - 07/06/2012 01:25 - United States

Today, I moved into a new house. The landlord insists it's OK for her to come up whenever she wants because she owns the house. We aren't allowed to lock the doors and she has two 8-year-olds. They come into the bathroom every time they hear the shower running. We have a clear shower curtain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 383

You deserved it 4 229

By idiot says "you raised him" - 31/05/2014 21:30 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my son got in serious trouble after he was caught trying to sell weed to people in the street. The good news is that the "weed" was just actual weeds he'd pulled from our lawn. The bad news is that at age 16, my son is too stupid to know the difference. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 114

You deserved it 7 951

By Anonymous - 24/06/2009 10:10 - Netherlands

Today, I ran into my crush of three years ago. We used to always walk our dogs together. He still remembered my dog's name. He didn't remember mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 090

You deserved it 3 975

By Anonymous - 27/03/2015 20:28 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found my dad's porn stash on his laptop. I went through it for a laugh to see what kind of sick, twisted shit he's into. Mostly nude pictures of my mum, as it turns out. I can't wipe the afterimage from my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 883

You deserved it 42 529

By notout - 17/10/2017 15:00

Today, my 28-year-old brother screamed at me and outed me to our very religious, homophobic parents because I wouldn't let him shock his friend with an electric dog collar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 358

You deserved it 433

By hatemyjob - 27/10/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I arrived at work and was immediately given a disciplinary write-up for being two hours late for my shift. Apparently the manager had changed my schedule that morning and failed to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 250

You deserved it 2 023

By KillingMeSlowly - 11/10/2015 03:37

Today, I realized that my two year old likes to help with the groceries. And by help I mean hide a bag of chicken. It's been two weeks since I went grocery shopping and I still can't find it, but it smells like something died in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 547

You deserved it 2 654

Bee Movie 2: Electric Boogaloo

By Anonymous - 22/08/2020 23:02 - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I woke up to the inside of my house covered in bees. Hundreds of them. I have been complaining about a bee problem to the HOA for two weeks, and their response has been, “The hive was taken care of." Well, a few hundred bees inside and a few thousand on my outside wall beg to disagree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 586

You deserved it 91

By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 06:26 - United States

Today, I came through a DUI checkpoint. The trooper noticed some donuts I had. He asked, "Are those donuts?" Jokingly, I replied, "Yes. Why? Are you going to confiscate them?" He didn't see the humor and pulled me off to the side to have a team search my truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 256

You deserved it 29 036

By DoseyGit - 24/01/2017 08:00

Today, while brushing my teeth I noticed a hair in the sink. Running the scenario over in my mind, I was going to simultaneously spit into the sink and throw the hair on the floor. Creating a big ball of phlegm, I threw the hair back into the sink and launched a huge mouthful onto the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 030

You deserved it 2 889

By Anonymous - 24/08/2012 21:10 - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, a baseball bat fell on my head while my boyfriend and I were cuddling. The same baseball bat that he keeps next to the bed, because he genuinely fears a zombie outbreak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 146

You deserved it 3 857

By Anonymous - 22/02/2012 19:55 - Canada

Today, I found out that my wife is pregnant again. During her last two pregnancies, she craved pop-tarts and screamed bloody murder at the drop of a hat, so I went out and bought a box for her. Turns out that this time, pop-tarts make her want to puke. Cue screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 041

You deserved it 4 504

By midwesternpetclerk - 09/11/2011 04:06 - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my boss for being insensitive to a customer. I'd told her I never heard of the requested item even existing. She walked off shouting, screaming and throwing stuff from the shelf. She wanted to order a bird feeder with heated perches so the bird's feet won't get cold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 779

You deserved it 2 715

By Karen - 31/08/2009 14:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was hurrying for the bus home from work. It was raining and I had my umbrella up. As I hurried by two women, I felt my umbrella hit one of them on the head. I turned to apologise and saw her standing with her hands on her newly bald head. My umbrella had lifted her wig off her head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 799

You deserved it 4 807

By "Auburn_flame" - 27/03/2019 00:00

Today, I've been horribly sick with a stomach virus. Six hours ago, I asked my husband to go to the store and get me a few things that would help ease my misery. He's still in bed and I'm cleaning the house in between bouts of vomiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 285

You deserved it 323

By lilrudegirl - 22/06/2010 02:12 - France

Today, I found out that after working in the same office for five years, I now work with three of my husband's ex-girlfriends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 246

You deserved it 3 300

By ouch - 27/01/2009 02:18 - United States

Today, my doctor called with my test results, which seem to tell him that there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. I'm still sitting here with an appendage that I'd swear was dispensing napalm, but now I have a $500 bill to go with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 363

You deserved it 2 135

Safe space

By Anonymous - 13/03/2010 01:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got into a huge fight with her mom over the phone. After the fight, she looked ready to cry so I went over to comfort her. She went straight past me, and started confiding in her creepy, extremely expensive dolls instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 731

You deserved it 3 123

By arch maester shavayalsharashion - 26/07/2015 17:29 - United Kingdom - Surbiton

Today, I was pouring my heart out to my dad about how I'm such a loser and how I have no friends. He listened sympathetically, until his phone buzzed with a text message. He said "Balls, the guys from work wanna get shitfaced." and took a rain check on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 629

You deserved it 2 897

By Anonymous - 05/04/2014 04:04 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, while in line at my local bakery, an old man passed wind in front of me. The smell was like nothing I've ever experienced before. I managed to withstand it, but the child behind me could not, and spewed orange vomit all over my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 687

You deserved it 3 422

By lover21 - 08/05/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, while working at my tanning salon, a woman came in and I put her in a booth, which are all stand up. After she comes out, I go in to clean it and realize that floor is all wet. I questioned her about it and she replies, "Oh, I peed, that's not a drain?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 608

You deserved it 2 845

By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 06:02 - United States

Today, I took this gorgeous girl from work to eat at Olive Garden. I was trying to be romantic and had the waiter bring two glasses of wine. I guess she doesn't really drink wine, she covered her fettucini Alfredo in vomit. After dinner, she thanked me with a french kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 910

You deserved it 7 893

By Anonymous - 22/10/2012 00:29 - United States - Bellingham

Today, while my mother's blind friend was waiting in our kitchen for my mom to come home, I thought it would be funny to talk to her in the nude. Turns out she's only blind in one eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 542

You deserved it 58 929

Falling down

By Anonymous - 28/06/2021 00:01

Today, I was doing laundry. I went to go grab a couple of detergent pods. Forgetting that I'm 5'3 and the pods are above the industrial-sized washer, I reached for them and fell backwards into a hole where the water from the washer goes. My left leg got soaked in dirt water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 625

You deserved it 174

By humbug - 13/05/2012 13:08 - United States - Broomfield

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been paying her half of the rent by taking my ATM card and getting money from my account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 429

You deserved it 5 587

Quality family time

By Anonymous - 18/10/2021 02:00 - United States - Verona

Today, I made a nice dinner for my relatives, as we share the same quarters for lockdown. For an hour, I had to hear the same old complaints about other relatives for the last ten years that I have been hearing about every day since lockdown. I wanted to scream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 714

You deserved it 86

By Anonymous - 20/10/2018 13:30

Today, my first day at my new job, a guy decided to pay all his parking fines in one go. All £2300 of them. Yes, he did decide to pay it in pennies. Wheelbarrows and buckets full of pennies. That's 230,000 pennies. Guess whose job it was to count them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 259

You deserved it 357

By Miller_Time - 18/03/2009 18:45 - United States

Today, I woke up at three in the morning when two cops busted in the door to my apartment and a frantic voice on my cellphone saying "Sir? Sir? Are you all right? Sir?" Turns out I had been having a nightmare and dreamed I called 911. I actually did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 710

You deserved it 8 679

By Anonymous - 17/05/2009 13:24 - Ireland

Today, I went shopping with my sister. Looking for something to say, I told her how one of my friends had been burgled. Then I realised it was Bree on Desperate Housewives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 084

You deserved it 61 105

By Donnie - 18/07/2019 06:00

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 392

You deserved it 188

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Top comments

conman531 23

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:40

And they weren't even kind enough to invite you to the wedding

JessieTaft 17

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:39

I'm sorry OP! I hope you broke up with him and find someone you deserve soon!

mr_t_07 10

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:37

Surprise!!!

gamermonster 34

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Saturday 28 November 2015 0:19

Surprise! You got voted the fuck down for posting an unneeded comment

oiler 21

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Saturday 28 November 2015 1:11

Surprise! so did you for posting something as stupid @44

gamermonster 34

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Saturday 28 November 2015 11:02

I know oiler ;) just wanted to mention that to him :)

NotCharlieRost 15

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Sunday 29 November 2015 4:59

why did 44 get down voted? It was needed in my opinion but maybe I'm wrong

EverestMelting 23

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:38

Clearly, you're better off moving on and trying to find a new roommate when lease is up.

robsic66 14

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:39

Well now you'll have the place to yourself once you kill your boyfriend and roommate

oiler 21

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:47

calm down satan

deathshead 19

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Sunday 29 November 2015 0:45

he cant be satan, my cats satan.

KK3137 31

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Tuesday 1 December 2015 16:52

Satan can come in many forms..

JessieTaft 17

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:39

I'm sorry OP! I hope you broke up with him and find someone you deserve soon!

lurker_no_more 13

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Friday 27 November 2015 19:22

The wording "had a boyfriend" leads me to believe that she did in fact break up with him :)

BWARD51 12

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:40

I literally lol'd at this.

Tripartita 44

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:41

No, no, no, I'm sure it was metaphorical laughter.

conman531 23

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:40

And they weren't even kind enough to invite you to the wedding

higgysaurus 18

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Friday 27 November 2015 23:27

What kind of boyfriend doesn't invite you to his own wedding with a different person??? I would break up with him.

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:40

He's not worth marrying, or even being with casually. Don't waste your time with idiots. You'll find someone better.

darksoul43 11

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:41

Wow what a douchebag. You're better off without a cheating bastard like him.

BellaP13 24

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:41

Dump him and fast OP. And if you can get a new room mate asap

FSGInsainity 15

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:43

and they didn't when invite you?! How rude!

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 8

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 9

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 506

You deserved it 120

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 682

You deserved it 84

Take what you can get

You give me fever

Bee Movie 2: Electric Boogaloo

Safe space

Falling down

Quality family time

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