Intimacy: Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before...

By Anonymous - France - Cateri

Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before having sex. When I came home, I realised he must have married my roommate. FML

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Intimacy

Out of it

Dodged a bullet

The Blob

By layout - United States

Today, while laying out, I kept feeling something misty, like a spray bottle. Curious as to what it was since it kept coming, I looked up, only to see the painters were peeing over the side of the house, and the heavy breeze was turning their piss into a refreshing mist for me. FML

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By camerashyguy - United States - Longview

Today, while giving directions to a blind guy, I accidentally made him walk into a wall. FML

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By jake - Australia - Sydney

Today, I dropped my kid into a crowded wishing fountain instead of a coin. FML

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By wowza - United States

Today, a boy I'm not even dating took it upon himself to tell me that we would never work out. Via text message. FML

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By assante2010 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

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By sexyfreak2510 - South Africa

Today, at my bachelorette party, I got so wasted, I ended up giving my stripper a lap dance because he "wasn't doing it properly". There's photos. FML

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By Asshole Parker - United States

Today, I went to work early and saw my crush's car in the parking lot, so I parked next to her. After that, I looked over at her car to see her staring at me with a weird look and her saying, "Really?" Then she gestured around the lot; I looked around to find it completely empty. FML

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By babydoll - United Kingdom

Today, I was traveling by bus. There were no spare seats, so I stood next to a seated lady. When she got off at her stop, I was amused because her bum made the shape of a mushroom on the seat. I went to sit on it. So I'm sitting there when I realise the seat is really warm... and wet. FML

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By Cromwel620 - United States

Today, I was working the night shift at the hotel I'm employed at. After checking in a young couple to the room above the main office, I was forced to listen to them having it off for most of the night, serving a very loud reminder that I've been single for five years. FML

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By Patrick R - United States

Today, my co-worker finally gave me a check for the money he owes me. In the memo line, he wrote "for swallowing". Now I have to go cash it. FML

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By elmalo68 - United States

Today, I must find a gentle way to tell my 71-year-old mother that she's too old to be wearing shirts that expose her belly. FML

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By Sorry - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, it's my birthday. I've spent most of it apologizing to my parents for the "hassle" of "having" to arrange a simple birthday dinner. Sorry I was born, guys. FML

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By Tiana - Canada

Today, I was watching a movie in the basement with my boyfriend when we started to get a little frisky. My mom walks down with dirty laundry and tells him to stop it because I'm creaming all over my undies. She showed him a pair of dirty ones to prove it. FML

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By Username

Today, as I was filling out divorce paperwork, I realized that my son has had the same girlfriend through both of my marriages. He's 17. FML

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21807

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By nbj10 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my dad went snooping on my laptop, and saw that I'd recently looked up 2 Girls, 1 Cup. It was out of morbid curiosity, but he thinks I'm into "satanic porn", and confiscated every electronic device I own. Now I have to sneak to the library just to check my emails. FML

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By ph2222 - United States - Toledo

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his parents' house when things started getting hot. Out of respect, we stopped and just cuddled, making us able to hear his parents banging. FML

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31089

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By love_to_live - United States - Waupun

Today, while in the store with my kids, they wanted to buy tampons because I am "getting cranky, and it should be that time of the month." FML

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12767

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By Telley21 - United States - Rexburg

He had to find out eventually!

Today, I made my boyfriend a beautiful dinner of seafood and rice. This was the first time I could afford lobster, and thought it would be a great treat for us both. I learned that this was the first time he has eaten lobster, and he learned that he is allergic. FML

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7098

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By wet and sad

Completely soaking

Today, I was walking to work when it was starting to pour down sideways. I was pretty early anyway, so, I decided to duck into a bus shelter and let it pass. Suddenly, a big truck comes and drenched me with the biggest puddle. Soaking from head to toe. FML

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1864

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141

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By thebiteof87 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was reading a picture storybook to a kindergarten kid. She could pronounce more words than me, and corrected me. I'm about triple her age. FML

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By ihatedogs - United States

Today, my brother came down to my house, bringing his untrained puppies with him. As we were eating dinner, I dropped part of my sandwich in a liquid that was on the tablecloth. Thinking it was water, I ate it. As I chewed, I realized the liquid wasn't water. My sandwich was dipped in dog urine. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 11:01

Pull!

Today, my tie-rod snapped, forcing me into a parked car. The wheel literally flew off my car. FML

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By Average - United States

Today, I was chosen as King for our winter formal. Even after I won, nobody wanted to dance with me. FML

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34641

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our supermarket. 10 feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new market, maybe a new town. FML

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By angryman

Today, I was playing what became an extremely intense game of hide-and-seek with my best friend's sister. I finally found the perfect place, so I slid down into the bath and began to cover myself. She popped up out of nowhere and said, "FOUND YOU!" I got so scared that I punched her in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, someone was getting beat up by 6 guys. When I tried to help, they had a swing at me as well. The cops came when I was enthusiastically defending myself. They got away, I got arrested. FML

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By bubblzzz

Today, my father called the cops saying I stole his car. It's my car, but his name is on the title. Why did he report it stolen? Because rather than taking him to a bar and being his designated driver, I went to a job interview. FML

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By SoreNips - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend, when she reached over and twisted my nipples to the point of tears. I'm still not sure what in the name of Dawkins I did to deserve that. FML

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By dBLIZZARD - United States

Today, my fiancée thought that lowering the volume on her phone would lower the amount of data being used by her streaming songs. FML

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By Katelyn - United States - Folsom

Today, I was pumping gas, when my daughter called me. After I hung up, I put my phone on the car roof while I grabbed my bag. I completely forgot about it and only realized when it shot off the roof as I braked at a traffic light. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spring

Today, my fiancé's grandmother kept trying to introduce him to this "simply absolutely amazing girl," who she thought "would be just the perfect date" for him. At our engagement party. FML

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32551

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By Angelica - United States

Today, I had to sit patiently at the checkout at work, listening to my own father rant about how the twinkies he was buying were "twice the size back in my day", and how "you could buy a dozen of these suckers for just 10 cents." He didn't stop there. No, he tried to haggle over the price. FML

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By celticschick - 31/8/2020 16:59

And they same romance is dead…

Today, I had an important staff meeting via Zoom. My boyfriend got home from work, walked through the door and shouted, "BABE! I'M READY TO GET MY D*** SUCKED!" I wasn't on mute. FML

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By fEk - Australia

Today, I couldn't find my reading glasses, thinking perhaps i'd dropped them outside, I stepped off my deck bare foot, straight into a steaming dog turd. Only to see my glasses chewed up a few feet away. It went between my toes. FML

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By hardtotell - United States

Today, a man I don't know came up to me and started screaming about how "all you damn Mexicans were stealing American's jobs" and he stormed off. I'm Native American, and I'm pretty sure we've been here longer. FML

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56701

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By theish

Today, I noticed that after a month of using my gel, it never seems to empty. I then found out my older brother and his friends had been pumping their man-juice into it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my fiancé played Rockband drums from the bathroom while taking a crap. He actually managed to properly hit notes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I gave my name for a lunch order, I even spelled it out for the cashier. When my food was ready, they screamed "Labia," in the restaurant full of people. My name is Nadia. FML

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By wintersoldier - Austria

Today, while trying to comfort my little brother who just injured his leg, I tripped and sprained my ankle. At least he was amused. FML

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Top comments

By conman531 | 23

#6471911 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:40

And they weren't even kind enough to invite you to the wedding

By JessieTaft | 17

#6471908 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:39

I'm sorry OP! I hope you broke up with him and find someone you deserve soon!

COMMENTS

By mr_t_07 | 10

#6471905 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:37

Surprise!!!

gamermonster | 34

#6472140 - Saturday 28 November 2015 0:19

Surprise! You got voted the fuck down for posting an unneeded comment

oiler | 21

#6472182 - Saturday 28 November 2015 1:11

Surprise! so did you for posting something as stupid @44

gamermonster | 34

#6472433 - Saturday 28 November 2015 11:02

I know oiler ;) just wanted to mention that to him :)

NotCharlieRost | 15

#6473017 - Sunday 29 November 2015 4:59

why did 44 get down voted? It was needed in my opinion but maybe I'm wrong

By EverestMelting | 23

#6471906 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:38

Clearly, you're better off moving on and trying to find a new roommate when lease is up.

By robsic66 | 14

#6471907 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:39

Well now you'll have the place to yourself once you kill your boyfriend and roommate

oiler | 21

#6471927 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:47

calm down satan

deathshead | 19

#6472849 - Sunday 29 November 2015 0:45

he cant be satan, my cats satan.

KK3137 | 31

#6475048 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 16:52

Satan can come in many forms..

By JessieTaft | 17

#6471908 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:39

I'm sorry OP! I hope you broke up with him and find someone you deserve soon!

lurker_no_more | 13

#6471958 - Friday 27 November 2015 19:22

The wording "had a boyfriend" leads me to believe that she did in fact break up with him :)

By BWARD51 | 12

#6471910 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:40

I literally lol'd at this.

Tripartita | 44

#6471914 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:41

No, no, no, I'm sure it was metaphorical laughter.

By conman531 | 23

#6471911 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:40

And they weren't even kind enough to invite you to the wedding

higgysaurus | 18

#6472100 - Friday 27 November 2015 23:27

What kind of boyfriend doesn't invite you to his own wedding with a different person??? I would break up with him.

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6471912 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:40

He's not worth marrying, or even being with casually. Don't waste your time with idiots. You'll find someone better.

By darksoul43 | 11

#6471915 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:41

Wow what a douchebag. You're better off without a cheating bastard like him.

By BellaP13 | 24

#6471916 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:41

Dump him and fast OP. And if you can get a new room mate asap

By FSGInsainity | 15

#6471917 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:43

and they didn't when invite you?! How rude!