By Dummy

Happy Easter!

Today, I was stuck in the bathroom with no toilet paper in a family member’s house. I looked around and found baby wipes. I was saved! Unfortunately, they were actually Clorox wipes. The bleach gave me a chemical burn in my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3669

You deserved it

1389

Favorite

Health

Dementia or hate? You decide

My body, my choice

They're everywhere

By Noname - United States

Today, I was walking in the mall and passed one of the hair product booths (with the people who constanly harrass you as you walk by). In front of half of the mall the woman working there told me that she had several products that I could use to touch up my roots. I'm a natural red head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21626

You deserved it

2611

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By poopEVERYWHERE - United States

Today, I heard my dad screaming in the hallway. Thinking he was having a heart attack I ran to the hall without looking where I was going. I slipped and slid towards my dad in what turned out to be a mass quantity of diarrhea from one of my two dogs. He was screaming because he stepped in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40864

You deserved it

4312

Favorite

By Bella

Today, I finally managed to kiss the guy of my dreams. We pulled away and looked into each other's eyes, and he softly said, "You know I'm dating another girl right now, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

3083

You deserved it

508

Favorite

By WTF?!?! - United States

Today, I found out that I drunkenly texted my boss yesterday asking for nude pictures. He sent them. I'm afraid to go to work tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16775

You deserved it

40172

Favorite

By JohnBlack - United States

Today, I was told off for not holding the door open for a woman behind me at work. Yesterday I was informed that chivalry is offensive to women, as it implies that they are not equal to men. I can't win. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32340

You deserved it

3938

Favorite

By swag papi - Australia - Perth

Today, my pubic hairs were poking into my wang, I went to scratch it. Something bit my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21913

You deserved it

8293

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Sudbury

If it's brown, let it float around.

Today, for the millionth time, I walked into a complete smellhole of a bathroom, because my almost ten-year-old sister not only never flushes, but she doesn't wipe either. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5213

You deserved it

339

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while setting up for a party I was having, I put black lights into our bathroom for the cool bright, neon color you get when you pee. When I turn them on to see where I need to continue cleaning, I see many, small, yellow hand prints on the walls. I have a nine year old brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27322

You deserved it

3295

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 5 year old son and I went out. As I was looking in the window display of a shop, I turned around to witness my son pooping in an open manhole on the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33674

You deserved it

9542

Favorite

By SaveMeTeddy - Canada - Burnaby

Today, it hit me that I'm incredibly pathetic, when at the age of 21, I tucked my stuffed animals into bed with me, facing in different directions so they could keep watch for monsters while I slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48002

You deserved it

16184

Favorite

By Single - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He also decided the best way to end our relationship was to kill me and our virtual child on The Sims 3 by setting us on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42369

You deserved it

6858

Favorite

By Murphy

Today, I bought ingredients for one of my favorite meals and went home to take a nap. When I woke up, my sister had cooked them for everyone else in the house, who ate it all without me. I was told that I shouldn't be angry, but instead proud of my adult sister because, "She cooked!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

2959

You deserved it

208

Favorite

By bob - United States - Fairborn

Today, I woke up to a nude picture of my girlfriend. Once I looked at it my morning wood went away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38865

You deserved it

9335

Favorite

By FMyCountry

Today, during a football match, the referee declared a goal as invalid. The dad of the kid who scored didn't agree, which led to an all-out fight among all the kids' parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2527

You deserved it

213

Favorite

By fuck russia and fuck georgia too - Azerbaijan

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She'd walked in on me jerking off, which she said is exactly the same as cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57796

You deserved it

10309

Favorite

By Forever sad - United States

Today, I learned that my mother might not live much longer. My boyfriend, instead of showing compassion asked me, "We're still having video chat sex, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

44611

You deserved it

4618

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Newmarket

Today, my daughter asked me to get her razors. When my 19-year-old son saw them he asked what they were for, to which my daughter replied, "For my armpits." My son then said, "Girls don't grow armpit hair." FML

I agree, your life sucks

49847

You deserved it

6875

Favorite

By Anonymous

Freak out!

Today, I woke up with a high fever. My two year-old decided today was the day she would have one of the largest tantrums she’s ever had and threw yogurt all over the newly-refinished floor, my fiancé, myself and our cat Sebastian. Sebastian was not impressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1384

You deserved it

170

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I met my boyfriend's entire extended family at a party. All of them, including his dad, said I looked exactly like his mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4851

You deserved it

458

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I took out my ear cartilage piercing. With my comb. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32025

You deserved it

10093

Favorite

By I need a new ballsack. - United Kingdom - Macclesfield

Today, I'm at that age where sitting down carries a 50/50 chance of turning my balls into scrambled eggs, a fact confirmed yet again today. Third time this week. I think it's time to switch to briefs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30290

You deserved it

4457

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my school's theatre decided to produce Les Misérables. I got the part of Éponine. My boyfriend, being a talented performer, could have gotten any part he wanted. However, he only wanted to play the soldier responsible for killing Éponine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36214

You deserved it

5695

Favorite

By slipperyhands - United States

Today, on my wedding day, when they said "you may kiss the bride", I swung my wife over in the romantic fashion and went in for the kiss. Unfortunately my hands were sweaty as I was nervous and she slipped under my grip. She fell and was knocked unconscious in front of hundreds of people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52885

You deserved it

19679

Favorite

By Dumbdumb - United States

Today, at work a really hot guy came up to me and asked "what are your hours?" Excited, I told him I get off at 4 but might be able to get out sooner. He started laughing and then said "I meant your store hours". He turned around and walked away, shaking his head and laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15659

You deserved it

33090

Favorite

By Nice - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I was talking to my co-workers about how I've sadly been an orphan since an early age. One of them exclaimed, "Hey, just like Batman!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

25944

You deserved it

5007

Favorite

By Mackdaddy - United States

Today, I was at basketball practice and my coach asked me how my knee was. When I lifted my pants to show him, my cheetah print thong that had been stuck inside the pants from the dryer flew out to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29981

You deserved it

9037

Favorite

By luckycharmed - United States

Today, my roommate played a "prank" on me. He taped a length of clear cellophane at ankle-height just outside my bedroom door, causing me to trip and faceplant the floor, and busting out a tooth. I now look like a hick, and my roommate is refusing to cover my dental bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49624

You deserved it

4375

Favorite

By bubblzzz

Today, my father called the cops saying I stole his car. It's my car, but his name is on the title. Why did he report it stolen? Because rather than taking him to a bar and being his designated driver, I went to a job interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2138

You deserved it

123

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a rubber band around my wrist for too long, and it ended up leaving faint red marks around my wrist. My mom saw them, thought they were scars, and is now convinced I'm a cutter, "like the ones I've seen on the news," and won't believe my story. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1526

You deserved it

216

Favorite

By Anonymous

Oops.

Today, within 24 hours at my new security job, I accidentally tasered the head of security in the groin, causing him to piss himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3788

You deserved it

1070

Favorite

By "baow" - Sweden

Today, I met this girl and we ended up having sex at her place. She decided to give me some head underneath the cover, it really was great until her Garfield sized cat decided to jump on her head and make her choke on it. Guess who got kicked out in the middle of the night for being too reckless. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2052

You deserved it

312

Favorite

By sadgirl - United States

Today, I was doing a striptease for this guy over my webcam. I was shaking my ass while taking off my panties, but when they fell to my feet, I tripped over them and fell on my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10862

You deserved it

56082

Favorite

So romantic!

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3154

You deserved it

253

Favorite

By Out of Shape - Egypt

Today, I decided to start exercising. I almost passed out five minutes into the warm up, and couldn't even stand in the shower afterwards. I'm only 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14874

You deserved it

35489

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend and she was making me listen to one of her recordings for chorus. As I was listening to it a solo came on, and i turned to her and said "This is the worst F*ing solo I've ever heard in my life." Little did I know, it was her solo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15842

You deserved it

86218

Favorite

By burb - Germany - Berlin

Today, I invited my new girlfriend over for the first time. My roommate thought it would be funny to go on a porn site on my computer and leave it up. She saw it, freaked out, slapped me, and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44903

You deserved it

3855

Favorite

By BowTiesAr3Cool - United States - Irving

Today, the kid who who lives next door and shares a bedroom wall with me got a drum set for Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35882

You deserved it

2827

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5 minutes went badly, but I don't know if it got any better afterwards, because a drunk audience member climbed up on stage and knocked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32247

You deserved it

3966

Favorite

By LOTRfail - United States - Malden

Today, my husband and I were watching Lord of the Rings. My husband told me he sees the eye of Sauron every time he goes down on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29182

You deserved it

4035

Favorite

By Jamie - United States - Newport News

Today, I was at work at Krispy Kreme for national "talk like a pirate" day. If you dressed like a pirate you'd get a free dozen donuts. A man came in with just an eyepatch on. Thinking he was trying to get a free dozen, I told him he needed to try harder. Turned out the eyepatch was real. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49187

You deserved it

13861

Favorite

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Top comments

By lukesick1 | 12

#7616850 - Thursday 29 March 2018 14:30

Was there no label?

By Zekfen | 17

#7617869 - Sunday 1 April 2018 16:26

You should leave the anal bleaching to the professionals at the spa!

COMMENTS

By lukesick1 | 12

#7616850 - Thursday 29 March 2018 14:30

Was there no label?

By LAUGHINGKOMODO | 25

#7617854 - Sunday 1 April 2018 15:43

I'm not sure what to say besides hoping that wiping your ass made your family members not notice anything.FYL

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7617857 - Sunday 1 April 2018 15:45

Seriously? You didn't try a tissue?

julfunky | 29

#7617868 - Sunday 1 April 2018 16:23

Most people I’ve known don’t have any tissues in the bathroom.

Glowworm56 | 25

#7617894 - Sunday 1 April 2018 18:45

I have tissues in my bathroom, and paper towels.

By Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7617864 - Sunday 1 April 2018 16:09

Guess you had a HOT night.
Alright, I'm on my way outside...
No need to show me the way, I can find the door in my own...

By thehaystackerine | 20

#7617865 - Sunday 1 April 2018 16:14

It's called "reading." Top to bottom, left to right, group words together as a sentence. Take Tylenol for headaches... Midol for cramps.

ThrottleJockey | 34

#7618106 - Monday 2 April 2018 15:17

Shut up, Richard.

By Zekfen | 17

#7617869 - Sunday 1 April 2018 16:26

You should leave the anal bleaching to the professionals at the spa!

By RichardPencil | 29

#7617873 - Sunday 1 April 2018 16:39

So, you assumed they were baby wipes?

We all know what happens when you ASSUME: You make your ASS a molten fireball of stupidity.

By wanted_2_want | 40

#7617879 - Sunday 1 April 2018 16:57

I bet your ass has never been sparkling clean ever before.

By manb91uk | 22

#7617888 - Sunday 1 April 2018 17:31

Well, you've got the ring of fire now

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7617890 - Sunday 1 April 2018 17:45

You deserve it. There are labels on the packs which indicate they are not baby wipes, but you failed to read it.