Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me... - FML

By liveforpeace_ - 28/4/2009 06:27 - Canada

Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

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That'll be Kevin in accounting

A beautiful truck decoration

Buzzing the tower

By Username - 28/2/2011 16:26

Today, my assistant manager was arguing with a customer. I interjected letting the customer know that "we want everything to be copacetic." After the customer left, I received a write up for using "big words." FML

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By citylife - 20/4/2013 20:22 - United States

Today, I realized how tiny my apartment is, when I was able to vacuum from bedroom to bathroom through the living room without switching the power outlet from the one in the kitchen. I pay a fortune to live in this shoebox. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2011 13:36 - United States

Today, I decided to get back into shape. I went for a jog around my neighborhood. The ice cream truck followed me for my whole jog, mocking me. FML

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By danskinnow - 5/10/2009 02:01 - United States

Today, I went to a store to buy a man's thong because my girlfriend wanted me to. When I went in I also grabbed some lingerie for her. Thinking I was being clever I wrapped it up in a t-shirt so no one would notice and went to checkout. The cashier then called for a price check on the thong. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2015 17:13 - United States - Seattle

Today, my 4-year-old twin boys are fighting because they both want to watch the SAME show on Netflix. They don't want the other one to choose, because somehow that invalidates their own choice, even though they both get to watch what they want, which is "Barbie, life in the dream house". FML

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By justonce - 23/9/2013 22:38 - United States - Williamstown

Today, the boy who loved me and left me literally became the poster boy for my college. His picture is on the home page of the college website and on a banner in the cafeteria where I eat every day. FML

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By hamburger - 6/7/2013 21:21 - United States - Adrian

Today, my husband wanted to try anal for the first time. His attempt to sound romantic was him saying, "Open your buns, the meat is ready." FML

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By jai90 - 3/2/2014 21:16 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I found a Google search for "erectile dysfunction" in my browser search history, along with pages about treatments for it. I'm a woman, and I live alone. FML

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By URGH - 28/6/2009 22:08 - Canada

Today, my friend and I were in her moms car talking about which job was harder: actor or artist. I said, "Art is easy. You just scribble on a piece of paper and call it abstract art." Her mom squinted at me in the rearview mirror and my friend stopped talking. Then she said, "My mom is an artist." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2011 11:47 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend's parents visited us. When everyone was chatting in the room, I needed to go to the bathroom. I got up and wanted to walk away when I sneezed, and farted at the same time. I thought they didn't hear it, until my boyfriend's brother said: "That wasn't just a sneeze was it?" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2019 20:00

Can't win

Today, my supervisor told me off for doing something. When I reminded her that she told me to do it, she yelled at me for correcting her. FML

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By emoflowers - 10/4/2012 02:51 - United States - Amarillo

Today, my mother made me see the doctor to see if I had irritable bowel syndrome, on the account of how often I go to the restroom. I then had to admit I only go in there to get away from my family. My doctor thought it was hilarious. My mom didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2013 22:21 - United Kingdom - Derry

Today, everything that was beautiful and pure in my life turned into a terrible, warped version of what it once was. Today, I lost all hope and no longer believe that life, although sometimes shitty, is sweet and worth living. Today, I met my mother-in-law. FML

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By UnhappilyUnemployed - 16/6/2014 22:49 - United States - Madison

Today, I had a job interview. It went really well until I couldn't figure out how to open the slide door to get out of the room. FML

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By MileHighGirlGuy - 14/3/2017 14:00

Today, I almost got upgraded to business class because the gentleman at the check-in was so mortified at having called me "sir" instead of "mam." However, before it could go through, his colleague stopped him, telling me that it was "an easy mistake to make." FML

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By NotAParabola - 7/10/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I tried to surprise my boyfriend over webcam with a cute negligee. He was doing homework. Half an hour later, he finally noticed. Apparently pre-calc is more interesting than his girlfriend. I guess polynomials are just curvier than me. FML

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By Cracky - 27/11/2012 14:32 - United States - Baltimore

Today, my husband ran a nice warm bubble bath with extra bubbles. I undressed and slid down into the tub only to have the most ungodly pain go up my backside. Turns out he knocked his razor into the water when he added the bubbles. I now have two butt cracks. FML

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By parent - 8/3/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that my son has been telling me he's gay so we would allow the "female friend" who is actually his girlfriend to stay over. FML

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By betrayed - 19/7/2010 17:36 - United States

Today, I was helping my friend create an online dating profile. When she got her search results, her #1 match was a blonde guy only 10 miles from her. His description: genuine, laid back, and ready for fun. He left off something kind of important. He's already married. To me. FML

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By trixieee - 4/8/2019 12:00

Today, my boyfriend got a text from a "close female friend." The text was of her with no shirt on, and he quickly closed his phone. His explanation was that his female friends just want his opinion on how they look. I don't know what's worse, that there are several, or that he thinks I'm that stupid. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2009 23:20 - Canada

Today, I had to be go to the ER after I fell on a rake. After having stiches put in, my Mom wanted me to go to the store with her. My friend saw me at the store and thought it would be funny to rip off the band aid because she thought I was hiding a zit. She ripped out my stitches. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2011 23:42 - United States

Today, I was pretending to be an angry bear while babysitting a 3 year old boy, and an 19 month old girl. I was chasing them around the house having a great time. Just when I bent over to pick up his sister for a diaper change the 3 year old decided it was his turn. He bit me square on the ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, my lawyer threatened to sue me because I can't afford his bill, which he sent to me after getting me out of a lawsuit. FML

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By Unwanted - 10/6/2010 12:54 - Australia

Today, I was in a car with my house-mate and friends after a long day of studying, when we pulled up at our place. Thinking that we were all going to hang there, I waited for everyone to start getting out. No one did. Turns out they were just waiting for me to get out so they could then leave and go out together. FML

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By ILoveAnimals - 11/6/2012 07:14 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I went to the circus with my family. When we were looking at the animals during the break, an elephant took my purse with his trunk and ate it. It crushed my cellphone, camera, keys and wallet. After that, the circus director yelled at me for feeding poisonous stuff to his elephant. FML

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By The Lone Ranger - 5/10/2010 07:43 - United States

Today, I was given a $25 gift certificate for being Employee Of The Week. The gift certificate was 6 months past its expiration date. FML

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By lonely - 8/9/2018 22:00

Today, my boyfriend blocked me from every form of contact. He told my friend that we broke up, but never told me. I still have his clothes in my house. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2019 12:00

Look-alikes

Today, the guy I really like told me that I look exactly like Kathy Bates. I'm only 30. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2012 18:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I went with my friends to see a movie. I handed my student card over to the cashier as proof I was old enough to see it, and he started laughing hysterically at my picture. Then he called over a colleague, who also started laughing. FML

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By Notabum - 31/8/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I received official notification that my license was being suspended for multiple DUIs. Apparently, my brother is a drunk and has been using my ID. FML

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By glocked and goaded - 3/4/2015 18:08 - United States - Sun City

Today, at my cousin's wedding, there was a bouquet toss. I jumped to catch it, only to get knocked down and crushed by a woman twice my size who'd jumped backwards. It still feels like someone shattered my ribs with a sledgehammer. FML

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By anonymous - 16/10/2010 15:18 - Canada

Today, I was walking to school. I started running to catch up with my friend. I yelled her name, and she turned around in time to watch me slip on a sheet of ice, fall face first, and pass out. When she ran to my side, I unconsciously peed on her. FML

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By kookoocatlady - 1/11/2016 04:31

Today, I kept my cats indoors to be safe on Halloween, making sure to keep the food full and litter boxes clean. After dinner, I got dressed up and spent two hours at a party. When I got home, there was a large, rancid butt-loaf waiting on my bed. Unappreciative little fuckers. FML

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By Kebabjoon - 29/4/2011 11:36 - Spain

Today, I had my first job interview for eight months. My interviewer noticeably yawned during my reply to the first question. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2015 17:44 - United States - Riverside

Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with. I'm not really interested in him, so I rushed out of his house last night. He was letting me know I left my wallet at his house, and if I want it, I'll have to let him take me to dinner. FML

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By bdaygirl - 3/12/2009 07:33 - United States

Today, I turned eighteen. Thinking I was going to get a big present from my parents on this special day, I eagerly unwrapped my present. They got me a bag of M and M's. Last year I got flannel bed sheets. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2016 12:36 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I had a horrible case of the flu. I have a fever of 102 degrees and I can't breathe through my nose. Choosing to sleep it off turns out to be enough for my mom to call me a lazy fuck and scream at me for doing nothing all day. FML

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By koanroak - 22/6/2015 03:08 - United States - Carrollton

Today, while taking a slow night at my waitressing job, I thought I heard the sound of crying coming from the kitchen. I rushed in, thinking something terrible had happened. Nope, the bus boy was just watching porn on his phone with no headphones. FML

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By xattackattackx - 18/11/2011 09:01 - United States

Today, the main topic for my sister and her friends in the car was how many ways they could think of to kill me. They came up with 137. I have to spend a week with these people. FML

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By monkeycannon7 - 24/4/2012 16:36 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I learned the hard way not to take off your shirt with a toothpick in your mouth. FML

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Top comments

By ZiggyMorrison | 0

#150700 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:05

Well atleast he has good taste in music

By Spadiethestar | 0

#150714 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:08

Aouch.. poor you.. Well at least you know where you stand with this worm of a man.... And, btw, sorry to have to say that, but get yourself checked for STD, such a loser may have fooled around without protection...

COMMENTS

By ZiggyMorrison | 0

#150700 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

lil_jkt | 0

#457157 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 22:20

@ #1
best reply, bro..lmao

Reply

jimjones_fml | 0

#486505 - Friday 14 August 2009 18:47

no woman no cry!!!

Reply

paramorefan125 | 0

#878429 - Sunday 21 February 2010 11:54

lol my thots exactly

Reply

z620 | 0

#881333 - Monday 22 February 2010 6:18

don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright

By greenman_fml | 0

#150707 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:06

Have a three-some, push both off mountain. You win

Reply

iwanina | 0

#972310 - Thursday 1 April 2010 1:27

no, I think you win

Reply

ncvolley123 | 8

#1149901 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 0:21

u r an old perv. u remind me of the rapest in the lovely bones.

Reply

ThatGuyWithHair | 0

#1241643 - Saturday 14 August 2010 21:56

Learn to spell you douchebag.

Reply

vollyball921 | 0

#1286628 - Sunday 22 August 2010 21:50

178- lmao thts wut I was thinkin xD

Reply

festivalham | 0

#1581057 - Thursday 21 October 2010 14:57

SO TRUE!!

Reply

kari1991 | 0

#1912944 - Friday 31 December 2011 12:42

178, I thought that too!!

Reply

wiggs5 | 0

#2231230 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 22:23

181: says the girl who can't spell herself?

Reply

hansbaby | 0

#2336300 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 9:45

192- she wasn't talking about the spelling, she was talking about the lovely bones rapist person.

Reply

ky765 | 0

#2499629 - Friday 13 May 2011 0:16

he def does but book was btter

By davidomke | 0

#150708 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:07

wow, what a jerk

2, you rock :P

By Spadiethestar | 0

#150714 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:08

Aouch.. poor you.. Well at least you know where you stand with this worm of a man.... And, btw, sorry to have to say that, but get yourself checked for STD, such a loser may have fooled around without protection...

By Jimboom | 11

#150719 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:09

[email protected] #2! Awesome!

But yea, push them both off. You already got the secluded spot. Would be a shame not to make good use of it. ;-)

By qwerty3 | 0

#150724 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:11

#2 - hahah nice :) good idea

and yeah that sucks, but better that you found out..

By rukusrazor | 0

#150725 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:11

No Woman, No cry!

No.

Woman.

No.

Cry.

Reply

mal2012 | 4

#4628079 - Friday 29 June 2012 1:11

Number 8
LMAOOOOO!!! Ur response is hilarious.

But Op! Thats sucks. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK!

By shaBAMalex | 0

#150726 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:11

What are the odds, eh?

Reply

jsx12345 | 0

#2851539 - Saturday 9 July 2011 1:27

are you dtf?

By Jemm_fml | 29

#150727 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:12

#2, #6: epic win. OP: Set the bush on fire first THEN follow #6's advice after the fire's spread a bit.

#8: LOL

By mindylou | 1

#150743 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:21

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

mooshibear140 | 4

#852885 - Saturday 13 February 2010 21:45

who said they had sex in the bush? all she said was she and her boyfriend went there on her first date. -.-

Reply

mal2012 | 4

#4628085 - Friday 29 June 2012 1:12

Number 12.
U are dismissed
Go sit down

Reply

Seirye | 2

#4687718 - Saturday 14 July 2012 22:38

She didn't say anything about HER having sex with him, dumbass. Did you even read all of it?