Money: Today, I installed an app that notifies me of every purchase... - FML

By brokeandiknowit - 09/06/2017 05:00 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I installed an app that notifies me of every purchase on my credit card. Now I'm being tormented by notification after notification as my wife decimates our finances. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 417

You deserved it 936

Age difference

Compromises

Hiding from the drama

By TwinDad - 14/05/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, one of my three-year-old twin daughters asked, "Dad, can we get a cat?" I replied in a gentle dad voice, "No, honey, dad is allergic to cats. That means they make him sneeze and sniffle. So we can't get a cat. Sorry." After a slight pause, the other asked, "When you die can we get a cat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 974

You deserved it 6 464

By Cora - 16/09/2011 14:10 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. His response was, "Thank god, finally." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 704

You deserved it 9 058

By Not-pregnant - 20/04/2014 17:21 - United States - Melbourne

Today, my dad made me stick my gut out and walk around awkwardly, just so I'd look pregnant and let him get away with parking in an "expectant mothers" parking spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 541

You deserved it 4 866

By regstl - 01/06/2013 06:21 - United States - Beaverton

Today, as I was getting out of my car, an old and obese lady walked up to me and called me an "inconsiderate heartless bitch" for using the last handicap parking spot. I guess she didn't see my wheelchair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 088

You deserved it 3 305

That's not how it works

By Anonymous - 05/09/2021 02:01

Today, I babysat the neighbors’ evil kids. They dropped them over at my house and I played with them for five hours. After taking the brats back home and putting them to bed, their mother asked me what time I came back to the house. She only paid me for the 20 minutes I was in their house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 556

You deserved it 108

By carebear1228 - 01/07/2014 17:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got a new boyfriend. She dumped the old one because "His wife was taking too long to die." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 947

You deserved it 4 751

By Anonymous - 21/02/2019 17:00 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I had a anxiety attack about taking my anxiety medicine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 033

You deserved it 310

By embarrassed - 21/12/2009 00:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I texted my Dad to tell him I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and won't be home. Since I had predictive text on, my phone didn't quite get the word 'home' - the message I sent said, 'I'm staying at Will's, I'll not be good tonight.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 282

You deserved it 29 327

You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone

By Lonely - 05/12/2020 07:58 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, my only daughter and her boyfriend sat me down for an important talk. I was thrilled, thinking they were engaged or pregnant. They actually wanted to tell me they're moving half way around the world. FML

I agree, your life sucks 831

You deserved it 131

By charlie - 10/05/2009 01:48 - United States

Today, my mom asked if I wanted to come to dinner with my parents and my grandparents who are in from London. When we got to the restaurant, there was a wait. My mom made me walk home because they could get a table quicker for a group of four than a group of five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 735

You deserved it 2 975

By Anonymous - 10/01/2011 02:35 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, in the bathroom. I noticed a pregnancy test in the trash can. He lives alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 434

You deserved it 3 111

By VroomVroom - 04/03/2009 15:50 - United States

Today, at a red light, an old lady crossing the street fell right infront of my car. I got out of my car to help her. The light turned green and I was still helping the woman to her feet. An officer came by and ticketed me for "impeding the flow of traffic." FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 895

You deserved it 3 487

By Anonymous - 13/12/2015 12:45

Today, I was heading home after getting off work at 5 in the morning, when a deer slid out in front of my car. Not jumped. Slid. Thanks, winter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 425

You deserved it 1 555

By Brad - 03/01/2013 06:47 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I went to dinner with my girlfriend of 2 months. This would have been great, had I not been nodding absentmindedly when she suggested that we start planning our wedding soon, because "she's always dreamt of being married on the same day as Brad and Angelina." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 917

You deserved it 25 571

By anonymous - 12/02/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, I found out the guy I've been dating is heavily into a mystical card game and spends all of his money going to "Magic" card conventions across the country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 090

You deserved it 28 677

By Anonymous - 07/11/2015 14:58 - United States - Niles

Today, my mother had to ask me when my birthday was, because she gets it confused with the day she bought our old car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 828

You deserved it 1 679

By Michelle - 15/08/2011 08:15 - United States

Today, my parents heard me leaving my room at 2 am, and freaked out because they thought I was sneaking out. I was too embarrassed to tell them that I was getting food instead of having a social life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 168

You deserved it 23 119

By Aly - 15/08/2013 07:10 - United States - Ontario

Today, my cousin texted me, asking how the chicken pizza had settled in my stomach. We got drunk last night and had pizza. I thought it was cheese; it was chicken. I've been vegetarian for 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 570

You deserved it 48 715

By HotelClerk - 22/01/2010 06:37 - United States

Today, somebody stopped by the front desk at the hotel I work at to report a vehicle had its headlights on. I wrote down the info, including the plate. Hours later, after my shift was over, I finally realized that it was MY vehicle. The battery was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 099

You deserved it 42 377

By Anonymous - 29/01/2015 19:18 - United States - Dearborn

Spicy

Today, I found out that the guy I've been sleeping with is my mom's gynecologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 298

You deserved it 4 693

By illenram06 - 11/07/2011 15:37 - Philippines

Today, I spent the entire day in my room trying to figure out how to get rid of my psycho boyfriend without dying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 698

You deserved it 6 676

No kidding

By huh? - 23/06/2020 05:02

Today, I was ecstatic that the pregnancy test I took was negative. I went to high five my boyfriend as I told him the good news. Apparently, it’s monstrous, unladylike and weird for a woman to not want children. When I pointed out he doesn’t want kids either, he said, "That’s normal for guys." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 160

You deserved it 197

By mysidesaresplitting - 14/12/2012 06:44 - United States - Oxford

Today, I had the pleasure of finding out how it feels to poop with 3 broken ribs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 348

You deserved it 2 248

By MDoremis - 24/02/2015 04:58 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I bought How To Train Your Dragon and the cashier started complaining how her kids keep demanding dragon stuff and that mine will start after they see the movie. I don't have any kids, and I didn't have the courage to tell her I was buying it for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 016

You deserved it 5 326

By Jon - 07/06/2009 06:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, after masturbating in the shower, I heard my phone go off outside the bathroom. After my mom saw me get my phone to check my messages she said "I think you're addicted to that", to which I said "but it feels so good and every guy does it." She was talking about how I text people a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 151

You deserved it 79 042

By Anonymous - 11/03/2016 12:20 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I forgot my phone on the roof of my car. I took a 30 minute drive from my friend's city to my city. I got on to my driveway, surprised to see my phone still there. Thinking I'm really lucky, I pick up my phone. Then, I trip over a pebble, cracking my phone in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 850

You deserved it 4 309

By Anonymous - 14/08/2015 15:08 - Denmark

Today, at my grandmother's funeral, my senile grandfather kept asking me "Where's granny? I've been looking for her, but I can't find her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 490

You deserved it 1 644

By GoneLimp - 07/03/2017 20:00 - United States - Havelock

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend doggy-style and noticed a piece of toilet paper had been "left behind". I had such a bad internal conflict about whether to tell her or to remove it myself, I went limp. She started crying and accused me of not being attracted to her anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 123

You deserved it 1 405

By rawr - 20/04/2011 14:15

Today, at work, I spent half an hour trying to convince an elderly customer that no, I wasn't a messenger sent by the devil to take her soul to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 300

You deserved it 3 567

By Rosie J. - 10/11/2016 02:45 - United States - Leawood

Today, I saw an older gentleman running through my store. I wasn't sure why he was running towards the front door until I looked at the floor and saw a poop trail behind him. The trail went from the front of the store all the way to the back of the store. Guess who had to get the mop and bucket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 264

You deserved it 570

By fucking mafia or what?? - 12/01/2013 22:02 - United States - Marysville

Today, I opened the door to go out for groceries. Lying on my doorstep was a pile of poop. A piece of paper was taped to the ground beside it that read, "Do it again and you'll get more than dog shit." I don't have the slightest clue who I pissed off, or how. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 908

You deserved it 3 434

Unwelcome

By kaipodable - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that I can no longer sleep over at his house because his cat doesn't like it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 687

You deserved it 4 597

By funnyERstory - 23/11/2016 04:31 - United States - Houston

Spicy

Today, I got my dick sucked. Unfortunately, it was by the vacuum nozzle my cousin stuck down my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 830

You deserved it 1 525

What happened?

By Kallian - 25/11/2019 03:00 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I walked home and found a massive branch had fallen into my parking space. My first thought, "Thank God my car wasn't hit!" My second thought, "Where's my car?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 353

You deserved it 115

By awkward - 26/09/2016 21:31 - United States - Oakland

Today, I was out to dinner with a friend I had a crush on. The whole time, he was flirting with the waitress while I was trying to get him to notice me. When we got the check, he looked at her and said, "She's not my girlfriend, I only go out with pretty girls. So, can I have your number?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 917

You deserved it 1 343

By Anonymous - 20/01/2010 06:50 - United States

Today, my older brother and I were teasing our mom about her age. When we jokingly told her it was hard for us to watch our parents get old, she responded by saying "yeah, well, it's hard for me to watch my kids grow up and not have anyone who wants to marry them". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 308

You deserved it 47 349

By Bobby - 10/08/2012 11:42 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, while housesitting my neighbor's dogs the phone rang. I answered it and a voice said, "Stop checking your Facebook and take care of my dogs. They look like they need to go out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 278

You deserved it 32 965

Sorry for what?

By Anonymous - 13/03/2021 21:30

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years said he wanted an open relationship. When I asked if it was because I wasn’t good enough to fulfill his needs, he got mad at me and now expects an apology. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 120

You deserved it 134

By Anonymous - 27/02/2019 20:00

Today, one of the customers at work shat all down the side of the toilet and on the floor. They didn’t even try to make it in the bowl. Guess who had to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 202

You deserved it 167

By dammit - 01/02/2012 08:22 - United States

Today, my nap was cut short by three bricks flying through my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 260

You deserved it 2 398

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Top comments

ThrottleJockey 34

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Friday 9 June 2017 4:42

I don't have that app but when my wife spends money I feel a disturbance in the Force.

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Friday 9 June 2017 5:25

You do realize that that's not a healthy relationship? And could even be considered a form of abuse if she racking up debt and expecting you to pay it off?

Comments

ThrottleJockey 34

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Friday 9 June 2017 4:42

I don't have that app but when my wife spends money I feel a disturbance in the Force.

EmperorPalpatine 19

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Friday 9 June 2017 17:06

Ever consider becoming a Sith Lord? We can use someone like you in Imperial Finances. :P

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Friday 9 June 2017 5:25

You do realize that that's not a healthy relationship? And could even be considered a form of abuse if she racking up debt and expecting you to pay it off?

Alexandria79 22

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Friday 9 June 2017 18:12

you do realise she may be buying stuff that's needed and he's being a typical guy who complains about it? women are usually the primary spenders. my husband will make statements like these after I grocery shop. and I do my best to keep food shopping costs low without being too unhealthy.

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Saturday 10 June 2017 14:09

The wife is using a credit card. That means that someone is going to have to pay the credit card off. Unless they suddenly are experiencing financial difficulties from a bill going up or a loss of a job, she shouldn't be putting anything on a credit card, let alone household needs. Which means that it is way more likely that she's splurging on things than buying necessary items.

Callyn 47

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Tuesday 11 July 2017 16:16

Are you kidding? If you don't use a credit card (and pay it off) you have a bad credit rating. If you have a bad credit rating, you can't get a loan when you need it. I use my credit card for everything and just pay it off at the end of the month. There is nothing wrong with using a credit card.

Dave_Davington 33

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Friday 9 June 2017 14:49

If she's only spending 1/10th of your money, well, it's a lot better than some other guy's have it.

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 9 June 2017 20:04

Not many people know that the word "decimate" literally means to lose one-tenth. Losing one-tenth of your army in one battle is very bad, but losing one-tenth of your income is tithing.

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Friday 9 June 2017 15:45

You need to have a serious conversation with her about this rather than just let it happen. These are the roots of divorce. Pretty sure you can temporarily disable cards you don't need to have active, sit her down and have a serious budget talk before this ruins both your lives.

Ashamed_Sister 60

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Friday 9 June 2017 15:57

You have three solutions: A better wife, a better job or learn to live with it.

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 9 June 2017 16:37

Delete the app! Ignorance is bliss, ... and strength!

Bruno Alexandre Henriques 3

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Friday 9 June 2017 17:30

???

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Friday 9 June 2017 17:58

Good news, scissors is the thing you need. Go home and cut her damn credit card in half! Or all her fingers, both should work the same.

Cali 54

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Monday 12 June 2017 12:15

With you on the card... Not so much on the fingers. A bit draconian, no?

Alexandria79 22

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Friday 9 June 2017 18:07

well I'm not from your location so I don't think you're my husband ? this sounds like an FML he'd say. pretty sure he said it today. you're not alone.

Justincolon22 15

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Friday 9 June 2017 23:00

That really seems irresponsible of her.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 106

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 201

You deserved it 291