The Top

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Waiting for that special someone

By foreveralone - 10/07/2020 17:04

Today, just like at every gynecologist's appointment in the last 5 years, I had to yet again explain that no, I'm not a virgin at 27 because I'm waiting till marriage, I'm just a loser that no-one wants to sleep with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 717

You deserved it 243

Not helping

By StillUnemployed - 11/10/2021 20:00

Today, I received a call from a potential employer. I was excited, until my roommate starts loudly moaning sexually in the background. The interviewer got offended and hung up. My roommate did it because I "made her" pay my half of the rent this month. FYI, I’m unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 257

You deserved it 218

By Anonymous - 21/10/2013 19:07 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came into my room, looked at my laptop, and said he could hear the porn I was watching all the way from his room. I wasn't watching porn. We soon realised it was actually coming from his mobile phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 906

You deserved it 4 492

Spillage

By haytia22 - 24/07/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I learned that when your gas nozzle does not automatically stop by itself the way it's supposed to, they will continue to charge your credit card as the gas overflows out of your tank until someone notices and yells, "Turn the gas off!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 353

You deserved it 52 447

By unknown - 13/12/2011 02:04 - United States

Today, my dad walked in on me using the bathroom. After rushing out, he yelled at me through the door for not locking it. He made up the "no locking the doors inside the house" rule. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 406

You deserved it 3 144

Missed opportunities

By Anonymous - 13/07/2020 08:01

Today, I turned down a chance to go to a bar with a girl I like because I have an autoimmune disorder and don't want to get sick because of being irresponsible and obviously COVID 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 862

You deserved it 307

That's not what I said…?

By wow - 12/12/2011 01:37 - United States

Today, I summoned up the courage to tell my crush how I've felt about her for the past two years. I really poured out my heart and soul, and she nodded and smiled throughout. Once I'd finished, she told me that she believes "sex is unnatural", and that she could never date a guy who wanted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 353

You deserved it 4 560

Harsh

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 16:59

Today, while talking to the girl I have a crush on, I bragged how people tell me I have a voice for radio. She responded, "And the face for it too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 556

You deserved it 831

By SaveMeTeddy - 16/10/2013 18:48 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, it hit me that I'm incredibly pathetic, when at the age of 21, I tucked my stuffed animals into bed with me, facing in different directions so they could keep watch for monsters while I slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 127

You deserved it 16 270

Hey there!

By ohcrap - 08/11/2012 01:41 - United States

Today, while I was sitting on the toilet, my toddler swung the door open. We just bought the house, and we have no curtains. Our new neighbor, who I haven't met, was mowing her yard. I stood half-naked to close the door, and our eyes met. I froze. She waved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 060

You deserved it 2 610

By homerde - 05/02/2011 06:29 - France

Today, and even at this very moment, my ex, who I'm still in love with, is having sex with her new boyfriend. He's my neighbor and she's making a lot more noise with him than she did with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 401

You deserved it 7 041

Make it stop

By Headphones - 21/07/2009 21:38 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents having sex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a good long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off the headphones just in time to hear them finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 722

You deserved it 5 719

By notready - 15/10/2013 06:49 - Australia

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend at a dinner with our two families. Not only did she flatly reject me, my dad said, "Good call. He's not ready." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 997

You deserved it 6 813

By anon - 03/02/2015 07:50 - United States - Bloomington

Today, as I passed by the window that looks out on to my front yard, I saw a man out there so I ran to the kitchen to call the police. The operator asked me to describe the man. It was then that I realized the mysterious man in my yard was the snowman I built yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 798

You deserved it 32 963

The bird

By Mariah Barnes - 24/07/2020 08:01

Today, I saved a baby bird from the site I work on. It was the runt and did not have any feathers and was neglected by the mother. I took care of it all day at work and planned on taking it to a wildlife reserve after work. Two minutes away from the reserve, we hit a pothole and I dropped it. It died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 780

You deserved it 267

Suitor

By PleaseDontBeSerious - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my daughter brought home her new boyfriend. He has a neck tattoo, and his life's dream is to be a professional "beer pong player." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 642

You deserved it 3 661

By Sherlock - 03/02/2010 16:02 - France

Today, my youngest son had to have stitches on his chin. He did great; I passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 555

You deserved it 7 353

By adalia - 19/07/2009 17:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my dad about plans to go out late for a few drinks next week. My dad started his usual "YOU COULD GET RAPED!" lecture, before my brother sprang to my defence, "It's not like she's what they're after, is she?" Apparently, rapists are out of my league. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 269

You deserved it 4 967

By lilithfaye - 02/11/2012 16:35 - United States

Today, my newly ex-fiancé, the father of my 5-year-old child, moved out of state with no warning. I just spent my last $500 paying off his car, and the rent is due tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 717

You deserved it 6 256

By wowthatwould - 04/12/2011 21:39 - United States

Today, I was watching porn when I heard my mom call for me. I closed my laptop right as she walked in my room. The sound, however, kept going. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 430

You deserved it 46 758

By boner - 01/02/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, I was spacing out in French class and randomly got an erection. My professor called on me to stand up at the front of the room and say, "I am wearing a belt," in French. Not everyone was observing just my belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 691

You deserved it 6 192

By Anonymous - 18/07/2009 04:21 - United States

Today, I just found out that my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend are rooming together at college. Visits are going to be extremely awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 534

You deserved it 6 768

By Anonymous - 18/12/2008 04:32 - United States

Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend, when all of the sudden, my friend sends me an IM picture of a granny bending over which pops up on my screen. I think my sex life is ruined forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 692

You deserved it 32 619

By WhyMe6495 - 06/10/2013 22:28 - United States - Niagara Falls

Today, I repeatedly had to ask people to please stop groping the mannequins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 121

You deserved it 3 137

WhyMe6495 tells us more.

WhyMe6495 16

Monday 7 October 2013 12:35

I work at Kmart and yes this has happened a few times already and i've only worked there for one month

By Kikinovak - 13/12/2008 12:06 - France

Today, a driver stole the parking space I was about to pull into. I politely asked him to move. He had a go at me, so I kick his car twice, in front of a few witnesses. The car is fine. I ripped two ligaments in my foot and I'll have a cast for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 070

You deserved it 41 316

By Madi - 30/11/2011 17:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend discovered that I fart when I'm tickled enough. The best part was when he decided to show his family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 782

You deserved it 3 637

By Daivv - 28/01/2010 15:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that shouting 'arsehole' at a speeding car is not a good idea. Two chavs MIGHT just turn around, drive onto the pavement and push you into a bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 253

You deserved it 29 414

Trump card

By Clumsy & Forgetful - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I found out why I'm always let off easy when I do something wrong at work. They think I have a mental handicap. I don't. I'm just clumsy and forgetful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 521

You deserved it 6 153

Maths

By math is literal violence - 20/11/2021 08:01

Today, despite doing extra credit, staying after class to have one-on-one tutoring with the TA, doing online tutoring and watching YouTube videos, I still absolutely cannot do math! I’ve been reduced to bribing my nephew to do my work for me. I’m in college. He’s in 7th grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 406

By computerguy - 22/01/2011 01:15 - Canada

Today, I took the motherboard out of my computer so I could put more RAM and a new video card in. While I was in the bathroom my mom threw it all out because it 'looked like garbage'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 701

You deserved it 4 243

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The Top

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 570

You deserved it 24 668

Today, I picked up my 17 year-old daughter after a late night movie in down town and got pulled over by a cop. He questioned us for a solicitation. I told the cop that she was my daughter but he said, "So, you're the daddy?" and laughed. Good to know that my daughter looks like a hoe and me a perv. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 179

You deserved it 6 417

Random

Today, my husband complained about my lack of sex drive. Gee, I wonder why, Mr. "Always comes first by humping for a whopping 30 seconds." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 083

You deserved it 2 488

Today, at work my boss called me into his office because he had received multiple complaints from coworkers about a prank sound machine I have been using to make inappropriate fart sounds at my desk. I wish it was a fart machine; I have a condition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 747

You deserved it 2 492

Today, I got a call from the Sheriff's dept. saying that water was coming out my front door. I ran home to find a waterfall cascading over my covered parking. It turns out my puppy had chewed through the hose that connects the toilet to the water. My entire condo had an inch of standing water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 637

You deserved it 5 002

Today, I learned that, just like in the movies, your ex-boyfriend can eventually wind up being your stepfather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 137

You deserved it 149

Today my girlfriend was on top during sex. I went to slap her butt, missed and nailed myself in the balls. We had to stop. She wouldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 420

You deserved it 3 231

Today, while stripping the bed, I noticed black dots on my husband's side of the mattress, and only on his side. That’s when I realised it was mould, because he doesn’t like to towel dry, he likes to let the fan dry him while he’s lying on the bed wet and warm, perfect for mould. Idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 429

You deserved it 84