Today, my dad walked in on me using the bathroom. After rushing...

By unknown - 13/12/2011 02:04 - United States

Today, my dad walked in on me using the bathroom. After rushing out, he yelled at me through the door for not locking it. He made up the "no locking the doors inside the house" rule. FML

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Miscellaneous

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Great boyfriend

By areyoukiddingme - 2/11/2015 05:54 - United States - Marion

Today, my roommate blocked my phone number and won't speak to me. All because I mistakenly used her hand soap, thinking it was mine. FML

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By ERnightmare - 2/8/2018 21:00 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I was lucky to have an extremely attractive doctor operating on me. This would have been great had he not been removing a foreign object from my vagina after an ill-fated masturbation session. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, my husband and I were talking about names for our expectant child. I told him since I named our daughter he could name our son. He's decided on a name from 'God of War'. My son is going to be named after a make-believe cartoon character - Kratos. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2015 12:42 - United States - Clifton Park

Today, I was forced into accepting a "promotion" for a position that pays less than what I get right now. FML

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By NotAGoodStart - 7/3/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Fashion Week

Today, I went on a blind date, meeting up in a park. I got there first and sat down to wait for him. After a while, a guy sat down next to me. I wasn't sure if it was him, so I texted him, asking if he'd arrived. His response was, "I'm already here, sat to the left of the old woman dressed like a gypsy." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2016 06:24 - United States - Tucson

Today, my mother straight up admitted that she would murder me if God told her to. FML

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By youdontknowwho - 10/5/2020 14:00

Forward thinker

Today, my boyfriend took a picture of us together because he wanted to have something to burn when we break up. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 23:00

What's your emergency?

Today, I found out that because I'm a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, I was playing hide and seek with a few friends. I hid in the bathroom, under the sink in a cabinet. I ended up having to sit there quiet as a mouse while my grandfather took an incredibly long and vile dump. I was too afraid to move. Let's just say he didn't rush it. FML

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By socialbanana - 19/12/2016 02:13 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, after getting up at 6 a.m., fighting with the dogs to wipe their paws off from the snow, and having to wait for a moving truck to move so I could get to work by 8, I got a call from my boss saying we were closed due to weather. It was 8:15. I was already there. FML

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By 00bsg - 21/12/2013 15:46 - United States - Salem

Today, it's my 21st birthday. All my friends and family said they were busy so I figured I was getting a surprise party. Nope. They all were actually busy. I spent my birthday alone. FML

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By Username - 14/3/2011 06:53

Today, my ex-girlfriend moved out. I came back to a sparsely furnished home, she even took the shower head, my beard trimmer, and the soap from the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2020 23:00

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Today, I tried to make breakfast. I had everything cooking on the stove when I reached to turn on the faucet, only to find out that the head of the faucet was up the sleeve of my robe. After drying off, I went to serve my boyfriend his plate, but when I returned, the stove had caught fire. FML

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By sleepless - 20/6/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, my insomnia started back up again. It was too late to get something to help me sleep so I was lying there wondering what I should do. I decided to listen to some ambient music. It helped a lot, but when I was about to fall asleep my parents decided to start doing 'it'. FML

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By teaspoonzz - 25/10/2017 15:00

Today, I walked into the ladies' bathroom to find my male boss taking a dump with the stall door wide open. FML

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By brokewithnocar - 21/1/2017 20:00

Today, my mom changed her mind about driving me to a job interview because she wants to attend a meeting at a church she told me she'd never go back to, full of people she hates. I can't drive because she refuses to teach me how. There's no public transportation. FML

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By LifeSucks - 17/11/2018 05:00

Today, I came home to an empty house. I found a note from my wife telling me she was bisexual and found love in a woman. I FaceTimed my sister to tell her about it, and who do I see with her? My wife. FML

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By Thatgirl112 - 8/9/2016 03:59 - United States - Medina

Today, I went on a blind date. Things got hot and heavy, but when he pulled off my pants and saw the Pittsburgh Penguins logo on my thong he stopped and told me to get dressed and that he refused to sleep with the enemy. He was a die-hard Flyers fan. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2013 14:04 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I found out that if you accidentally step on your boss's dog's tail, yes, you can get fired. But not because you stepped on the dog's tail. You didn't say sorry. FML

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By SkottLong - 10/3/2015 06:19 - United States - Logan

Today, I showed my father a nice sweatshirt online, hoping he would take the hint and get it for me. He did, three sizes larger than mine, for himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2010 14:57 - United States

Today, I'm spending the night with the guy I've been interested in for a while. Instead of sleeping in the same bed together, he insists that I sleep in another room because he "doesn't want to be tempted to do anything." So, I'm alone, in my best lingerie, in his little brother's room. FML

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By Whyme - 9/1/2012 06:14 - United States

Today, I went to the movies on a date. My chair made a fart sound while I moved around a little, so my date thought I'd let one rip. He then let out a really horrendously smelling one to make me feel less embarrassed, giving me a reassuring look. FML

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By soulaar - 2/10/2015 14:22 - Vietnam - Dong Nai

Today, I was sitting outside in a pair of shorts. After about 15 minutes of getting weird looks from people, I realized my cock was sticking out of a hole that wasn't in my shorts when I put them on. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2012 04:44 - United States

Today, I yet again heard a friend say "YOLO" as if it's a word. It was so annoying that I had to restrain myself from punching him in the face and offering him the chance to suck on one of my turds, since apparently "YOLO." FML

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By Holly Jolly - 26/12/2011 06:33 - United States

Today, I spent the day crying, and ate McDonald's for my Christmas dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2012 23:00 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my teacher's comments on my essay read, "I know it's college, but you use a lot of unnecessary words with a lot of syllables." He basically scolded me for having a complex vocabulary. I go to an accredited state university. Nothing says "America" like under-achieving professors. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2012 12:08 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I walked into a public restroom to find that they had set up a free health clinic for the homeless; by that I mean that I found one bum inspecting and cleaning the infected, bloody genitals of another bum. FML

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By Rainman - 14/6/2009 20:39 - United States

Today, I had to water my entire garden. After an exhausting hour of watering hundreds of plants, I turned off the hose and started to feel good about the grueling job. That is, until it started pouring rain. FML

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By Optimus_Prime97 - 3/5/2012 02:39 - United States

Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML

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By whoops.. - 16/1/2015 03:15 - United States - Garner

Today, I learned that when a man in the row in front of you at a movie theater tells you to shut up, you shouldn't tell him to fuck off. He might be 6'4 with a short temper. FML

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By Hotdamnthisismyjam - 16/6/2009 00:32 - Canada

Today, I went to the bar with some friends. When we walked in, we picked a table at random in the same area as a bunch of older men. The oldest, fattest ugliest man at the table looks me over then stares at my chest. He then starts to motorboat the air in the direction of my boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 20:31 - United States

Today, my girlfriend tried to cover my eyes while I was driving on the main street, all because she caught me looking at an ad featuring bikini-clad girls on the bus ahead of our car. FML

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By ilovemom - 21/1/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, holding my newborn baby and yearning for some affection from my mother, I asked my mom what the best day of her life was, hoping she would say the day I was born. Her answer? "The day you moved out." She was serious. FML

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By biscuit - 7/1/2011 05:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to walk three miles home from work. Both my parents were at home. The reason they wouldn't collect me is apparently because I've "gotten so fat, your grandma cried after she saw you". FML

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By fack - 26/11/2013 18:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that when my sister and I were born, the first thing my dad said was, "I hope they don't turn out vegetarian." I did. FML

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By readytomingle - 15/7/2010 02:37 - United States

Today, I bought an "I love my boyfriend" t-shirt so people wouldn't think I'm single. I'm very single. FML

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By - 13/11/2008 02:46 - France

Today, I'm still in love with my ex boyfriend who is going out with someone else. But at least I now know that he's gay. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I was in a hurry to get to work. I pulled impatiently behind a long line of cars to make a right hand turn. I sat there for 5 minutes. Turns out there wasn't a line to make a right hand turn. I had been waiting behind a line of parked cars. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2012 07:35 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I mowed over a bird while mowing the lawn. It wasn't dead, so I had to mow over it a second time to put it out of its misery. Now there are pieces of dead bird all over my lawn and I can't sleep. FML

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By Clueless - 24/5/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, a waiter came up and and put out his hand so I gave him a high five and pounded it. He then says, "Um, that was a nice high five but I wanted your plate." FML

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Top comments

By rahavan | 15

#3724100 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 8:43

Um I have a no door locked policy at my house but I'm smart enough to realize it doesn't extend to the bathroom.

By Zya_fml | 8

#3724185 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 8:59

It's okay spelling bee contestant.

Comments

By GDIZZLE93 | 11

#3724066 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 8:38

No more locked doors! Thank you.

IphonFML | 6

#3724168 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 8:56

im sure he meant all doors BUT the washroom door, ahaa

Ani28 | 10

#3724510 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 11:02

Next Friday! Gracias ;)

nateylovesporn | 1

#3724524 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 11:17

yeah I agree with number 8 the bathroom doesn't apply.. you should know that

luismyl | 6

#3724528 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 11:18

Yeah that rule doesnt apply to the bathroom

Al_HyLo | 5

#3725768 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 18:07

8, you douchebag

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3726245 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 20:05

Gracias!*

D37H100 | 5

#3726504 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 21:25

Y u no lock door? ?(????)

D37H100 | 5

#3726509 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 21:27

Sorry for the extra question marks, i tried to put the face to go with it..

Kuni774 | 0

#3770816 - Thursday 22 December 2011 10:05

Hey ;)

Kuni774 | 0

#3770826 - Thursday 22 December 2011 10:07

By BIGBOY4rmAHM | 19

#3724077 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 8:39

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Zya_fml | 8

#3724148 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 8:54

Hypocritical*

And OP, just do the same thing to him..

BIGBOY4rmAHM | 19

#3724164 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 8:56

Sorry spelling bee judge

Zya_fml | 8

#3724185 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 8:59

It's okay spelling bee contestant.

Jovecove | 13

#3726843 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 22:44

Haha touché

xSonic | 9

#3727897 - Wednesday 14 December 2011 2:01

The bathroom door shouldn't apply to that rule..

By brown4lifejot | 1

#3724081 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 8:40

Can't win either way.

By rahavan | 15

#3724100 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 8:43

Um I have a no door locked policy at my house but I'm smart enough to realize it doesn't extend to the bathroom.

yumlicious | 4

#3724533 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 11:20

Isn't there a universal rule to knock if the door is closed? Knock, wait for response, proceed. Not that complicated.

xXToxicPenguinXx | 12

#6069647 - Saturday 20 September 2014 13:28

but the door is closed. should least assume someone would be in there, its called common sense

By arttyruiz | 7

#3724208 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 9:03

Most likely applied to the bedrooms and not the restrooms...

By FYLDeep | 25

#3724231 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 9:06

I had a similar policy at my house, but then I became a teenager.

aisthecoolest | 6

#4312543 - Monday 16 April 2012 12:36

Giggedy giggedy goo

krad204 | 21

#5079101 - Thursday 25 October 2012 7:15

On the floor

By GSP101 | 0

#3724252 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 9:08

Common sense people. Common sense.

n0obpr0 | 4

#3724325 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 9:18

Is not common

iliketurdles | 7

#3724503 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 11:01

Irony.

By wriptidez | 0

#3724360 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 9:33

if the door is shut knock and if no reply say is anyone im there or just walk away lol. @DAD

By Enslaved | 36

#3724398 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 9:52

I'd hate to live in your house. I think everyone needs a little privacy. I don't understand why some parents would have that rule. Unless the child was an endangerment to themselves?

By GypsyRover | 0

#3724565 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 11:42

If it happens once,hummm,ok. If it happens again,give dad something to look at,then call him a perv. Lol

CoconutSoup | 5

#3731439 - Wednesday 14 December 2011 20:45

You, mister.. Are DISGUSTING