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By stalked - 08/01/2014 20:27 - United States - Boca Raton

Today, to avoid a guy who's been creepily following me around school lately, I ducked into the girl's bathroom. After few minutes, he stuck his head in with his eyes closed and asked if I was done yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 695

You deserved it 4 802

Nope

By Anonymous - 15/01/2013 17:45 - United States

Spicy

Today, I finally felt ready to have sex for the first time, with my boyfriend of nearly 8 months. When I told him, things became intimate and pants came off. He then looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can't do this." The rest of the night was spent in awkward silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 913

You deserved it 6 684

Customers from hell

By natalie the witch - 13/10/2022 22:00

Today, while stocking the shelves, a customer demanded I ring up his stuff. I’m not a cashier and therefore don’t have a login code to do so, so I told him as such. He then pulled out a knife and threatened to stab me if I didn’t ring him up. I’m currently writing this from the ER. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 289

You deserved it 95

By Sandra - 18/02/2009 14:15 - Ireland

Spicy

Today, I got talking to a really hot guy at a party. He told me that he was only here because he heard the host would sleep with anyone, and he and his buddies had a bet going. It was my party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 790

You deserved it 20 448

By chickenlover - 27/08/2009 20:53 - United States

Today, I was driving past a farm that always has 4 chickens walking around outside. It always cheers me up to see them, but I couldn't find them. I wasn't watching the road so I didn't see when I ran over all 4 chickens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 775

You deserved it 54 780

SHUT UP

By Anonymous - 11/03/2010 15:24 - United Kingdom

Today, my extremely loud and nocturnal flatmate phoned me to tell me excitedly that he got an accordion for his birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 302

You deserved it 2 774

Bitchy

By Anonymous - 29/12/2013 21:04 - United States - Bolingbrook

Today, I was mopping the floor at the hotel I work at. Before I could react, a gentleman stormed through the corridor and slipped and fell on the still wet floor. He complained to the owner, who bitched me out just to satisfy the guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 011

You deserved it 4 005

Fridge fight

By kb. - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out how it feels when a refrigerator door unhinges and falls on your toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 760

You deserved it 2 518

Itchy and Scratchy

By Anonymous - 06/04/2020 20:00 - Australia

Today, I put a collar on my dog to get rid of his fleas. Good news? He doesn't have fleas anymore. Bad news? They've moved onto the rest of my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 603

You deserved it 374

By Maddy - 10/03/2010 08:00 - United States

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend for taking me for granted and being such a jerk. He didn't even show up for our date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 178

You deserved it 5 003

Freebird

By sarahhh - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got my boyfriend a pair of concert tickets for his birthday. He loved the gift, but turned to me and said, "Do I have to bring you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 234

You deserved it 3 652

By foreverafatty - 31/03/2011 05:49 - United States

Today, I learned that I can work out for over an hour a day, cut my daily calories by almost half, keep careful track of my diet, drink nothing but water, and not lose a pound. But I can sure as hell gain weight after one dinner at a buffet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 726

You deserved it 15 876

Mommy dearest

By Ohkourt - 20/04/2020 05:00

Today, I woke up only to find my half-naked drunk mother in my living room, talking in her sleep about how much she hates me. She still doesn't see what's wrong with this picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 693

You deserved it 133

By Dani - 24/01/2012 05:23 - Australia

Today, I tried to take a piss in the woods, but ended up peeing all over my feet. I still had to hike another five hours in wet shoes. My boyfriend's only comment was, "At least you didn't wet your pants." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 342

You deserved it 26 766

Stay safe, wear a hazmat suit

By Davey Crocker - 23/04/2020 08:00

Today, my coworker volunteered me to drop laptops off at two sites outside our normal areas. I asked if they were safe from COVID-19. "I don't know, but you're young. You'll be okay," responded the man who's been working from home for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 596

You deserved it 229

Fashion accessory

By Anonymous - 13/08/2021 06:01

Today, I got ready for work in the dark, and it was noon before someone told me that I had one of my wife's pantyliners stuck to the back of my pants. I'd just given a presentation to 80 people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 184

Slam the brakes

By wrecked - 23/01/2012 01:52 - United States

Today, I totaled my car, because I mistook the leaves blowing across the road for a child. I swerved and hit a tree. The home owner wants to sue for "harming his tree" and hospital wants to test my mental stability. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 828

You deserved it 6 656

The truth

By vmml97 - 17/08/2009 21:16 - Canada

Today, my boss called me into his office. He then fired me. Upset, I asked him, "Well, who's gonna replace me?" His answer was, "I don't know and don't care. Everyone who works here hates you. Now go away." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 927

You deserved it 25 390

Overreaction?

By Anonymous - 13/08/2021 08:01

Today, it's the second day my wife hasn’t been to work at all, because a cashier called her ma’am instead of miss. Apparently, it’s the first time this has happened and she’s so upset that she might be visibly growing old that she’s been in bed for two days crying. We’re both only 27 years-old, FFS. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 228

You deserved it 174

By Anonymous - 12/12/2013 23:25 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, my grandparents came over to visit. I'm still not sure if they came to see me or my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 456

You deserved it 3 385

Geyser

By Ouch - 15/08/2009 07:51 - United States

Today, I was very sick and kept throwing up. I took a shower after every time I threw up. While in the shower after I threw up, I had to throw up again, so I got out and ran to the toilet. I slipped on the tile, broke my nose on the floor, and then threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 653

You deserved it 11 145

By knee pain - 09/12/2013 19:17 - United States

Today, I woke up in my hospital bed after having knee surgery, on the wrong knee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 133

You deserved it 4 042

Sludge factory

By fmyactuallife - 03/05/2020 08:00

Today, I'm on my second day of a week of antibiotics to treat a bad urine infection. Incidentally, the pills seem to be giving me extremely loud, frequent, gut-wrenchingly painful and smelly diarrhea. Only 5 more days to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 653

You deserved it 135

By Cathy - 17/01/2012 00:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out why I find damp spots on my favorite jacket. I appears that my dog often becomes very intimate with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 826

You deserved it 3 440

By notthedad - 15/03/2011 15:50 - China

Today, I got a call from my long distance girlfriend. She's about a month pregnant. I haven't seen her in person for six months, but she still insists it's mine. I don't know which would be worse: her lying or her being that stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 532

You deserved it 5 648

Mystery

By disgusting - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I walked past a girl in the cafeteria and she threw up. Naturally, a crowd was drawn. Her friend asked her what was wrong. She pointed at me and said, "Get him away from me!" I'd never met this girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 215

You deserved it 2 808

By Anonymous - 27/02/2010 16:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents bought a new car with the money they made from selling mine. To make up for selling my car without telling me, they let me choose the make, model, and colour of the new car... which I just found out I'm not allowed to drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 306

You deserved it 2 587

skittlesftw tells us more.

skittlesftw 0

Saturday 27 February 2010 22:45

I'm the op (just made an account) I bought the car with my money, and since they drove the car as well they paid for some maintance and insurance. They decided to sell the car without talking to me first, but said that I would be able to drive the new car they were going to buy. Turns out the insurance would be too expensve with me on it, hence the FML. Not all bad though, they feel guilty so they are sorting me out with a car once i finish uni. (only just found this bit out)

Uncomfortable

By maidmyday - 12/08/2009 14:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I started a new job as a maid. As I was cleaning the master bedroom's en-suite bathroom, the owners of the house came in and started making love. I was too scared to admit I was there, but after there was silence for a few minutes I thought it might be safe to leave. It wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 238

You deserved it 7 767

Late late late

By Lady Julia KaNeko - 20/06/2019 18:15 - United States - Meridian

Today, after going to bed at a decent time last night so I could get up early, I overslept. Not only that, I thought today was the day of my job interview, so I rushed to get ready and go. As I parked in the parking lot, I realized today was the day before said interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 541

You deserved it 478

RIP

By Anonymous - 19/11/2022 04:00 - Australia

Today, while I was staying at a farm for a few nights, I got really connected to a chicken I met. It was so tame and really cuddly. I legit loved it so much. Later on, we had chicken for dinner. It was the same chicken. He also had a name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 954

You deserved it 459

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The Top

Today, I wanted revenge on the rabbit who ate my garden's plants. When he returned, he was standing next to my brand new above-ground swimming pool. I pull out my 22. rifle and shot at it, but the bullet missed and popped a hole in my pool. 15,000 gallons of water flooded my basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 059

You deserved it 287 702

Today, my daughter's school is furious because we were 3 hours late picking her up. My son, who was supposed to pick her up, apparently accidentally fell asleep after masturbating himself to exhaustion, which is why when we finally got home he was asleep with his pants down, porn still playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 657

You deserved it 296

Random

Today, I'm watching a TV show about horrible germs in hotel rooms that you can catch from a bed... while I am stuck in a hotel room... on the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 371

You deserved it 7 999

Today, I was severely chewed out by my boss because, according to him, I look down on him too often. I'm 6ft5. FML

I agree, your life sucks 453

You deserved it 32

Today, I asked my mother if we could test me for OCD, since so many people have suggested to me that I might have it. She smiles at me and says, "No, honey, you're just really really weird." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 261

You deserved it 6 967

Today, I was showing off the Mount Kilimanjaro tattoo that I got after climbing it. It's a silhouette of the mountain and the word "KILI" in bold. My girlfriend told her friends it was actually the Lonely Mountain from The Hobbit, and that Kili was my favorite dwarf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 673

You deserved it 1 527

Today, I realized this holiday season is the first time in 4 years that I won't have a partner to share the holidays with. My partner of 4 years cheated on me this summer. I'm still bitter and dating is unnecessarily difficult. I wish I could just be happy alone and never feel lonely again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 600

You deserved it 160

Today, after years planning our wedding, booking a venue, a DJ, dresses and suits, a limousine, sending invitations, hiring caterers, buying gifts, arranging the honeymoon for the day after the wedding, we did all that flawlessly. What was the one god damn thing we forgot? To book a registrar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 131

You deserved it 406