By Davey Crocker - 23/4/2020 08:00

Stay safe, wear a hazmat suit

Today, my coworker volunteered me to drop laptops off at two sites outside our normal areas. I asked if they were safe from COVID-19. "I don't know, but you're young. You'll be okay," responded the man who's been working from home for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1488

You deserved it

164

Favorite

Walk on the wild side

Taking stock

Kick the bum out, part 2

By WellThere'sThat

Today, I got a big math test back. Good news: I can connect abstract ideas beyond what was taught. Bad news: I can’t do simple math, such as 30/-5. I failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2940

You deserved it

802

Favorite

By MissAnonymous93 - South Africa

Today, I got my tonsils removed. My body also agreed that today was a good day to get a bad cough. My bed currently looks like a scene out of "Dexter". FML

I agree, your life sucks

12248

You deserved it

742

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. But I found another note on a can that said "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

70359

You deserved it

687478

Favorite

By giantsfan2010 - United States

Today, after working and saving up money for an entire year, I bought a 2001 VW Cabrio. I showed it to my friends, they all laughed at me and told me it was a girl's car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18476

You deserved it

28536

Favorite

By Rejected. - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend of one year when an attractive girl walks over. She asks him, "Is this your girlfriend?" He replied "That depends... are you single?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

49209

You deserved it

3907

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Franklin Park

Today, my laziness reached an all-time high. I had a dream that I was at school and had spilled all the contents of my backpack onto the floor. I then purposely shook myself out of my sleep to avoid cleaning up the mess in my dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48645

You deserved it

10957

Favorite

By Unteachable - United States

Today, as a high school English teacher, I had to read submissions for a writing contest. The entries were filled with words like "irregardless", "could of", "acrost", and "ain't". These papers were supposedly written by the best students in the school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7187

You deserved it

776

Favorite

By Shoes - United States

Today, I was helping an old man find a pair of shoes. I told him about a particularly comfortable pair but had to inform him that they only came in black or white. Hearing this, the old man grabbed me around the neck and began to beat me in the head with our display shoe. He wanted brown. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76035

You deserved it

4215

Favorite

By Ouchhh - United States

Today, I leaned back and bumped into one of my mom's plants in the window. The good thing was that I caught it before it fell and shattered. The bad thing was that my mom likes to keep cactii in the window. I can still feel thorns I haven't managed to pluck out yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29814

You deserved it

4530

Favorite

By nottelling7012 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me because of 'creative differences', as she put it. The real reason is that we couldn't decide which cupboard the plates should have gone in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26940

You deserved it

4389

Favorite

By FirstWeekFail

Today, I was bitching to my mom on the phone about the long, boring paper assignment my Lit professor gave us. Right after saying "that woman needs to get laid" I heard hysterical laughing behind me. I turned. Hello professor, just on my way to drop the course. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1219

You deserved it

2985

Favorite

By JoanT - 20/10/2020 11:08

Hangry

Today, while petting one of the goats we have, the other one was jealous so it ripped out a chunk of my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

878

You deserved it

174

Favorite

By Mylifesintatterssendhelp

Today, I went to a tattoo artist to get what I thought would be really cute, elegant finger tattoos. I left with wobbly, blobby messes all over my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1441

You deserved it

2622

Favorite

By Anonymous - Germany - Berlin

Today, I thought I felt my cellphone vibrating. Turned out it was just my girlfriend letting out a vicious fart against my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39526

You deserved it

5774

Favorite

By Anonymous

There you go

Today, our work computers are down so I've been trying to fix it via my home computer for 3 days. My 12-year-old son took one look at the screen, changed 2 settings on a drop down menu, and the problem was fixed. My 12-year-old is better at my job than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3699

You deserved it

1448

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after I told her I was learning how to start having lucid dreams. She was convinced the only reason I could possibly want to have them was so I could cheat on her in my own dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15277

You deserved it

1308

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, my professor told everyone that he thinks all med students should be required to get a catheter and an enema at least once in their lives so they can relate to their patients, saying, "Gentlemen, it might change your lives." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41159

You deserved it

7257

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - North Bay

Today, my girlfriend sent me a text message confessing that she's been cheating on me. Apparently she regretted telling me the truth, because when I confronted her face-to-face, she claimed her roommate had sent it as a prank. She doesn't have a roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54880

You deserved it

4533

Favorite

By BestBF - United States - Omaha

Today, I decided to be playful and leave my girlfriend flowers and chocolates from an "Anonymous Admirer". She immediately dumped me, saying she couldn't be with someone who "isn't even as romantic as a stranger". Yep, I think I just got dumped for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61165

You deserved it

8698

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, I realised I sweat so much that I won't be able to go without sticking super pads with wings to my shirt underarms everyday. It makes supermarket trips interesting. Especially as a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39160

You deserved it

3882

Favorite

By NoTattoo

Today, my girlfriend of 7 months broke up with me because I refused to get her name tattooed on my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30270

You deserved it

2439

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, as a volunteer tutor, I met up with a girl who needed help with calculus. When I introduced myself, she wrinkled up her face and said, "I'd hoped you'd be hotter." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33640

You deserved it

2767

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, I went to my local pool. I lay down in a chair and started tanning. About 30 minutes later, a lady came up to me and said, "Put that away, you pervert, there are children here!" I had a hole in my pants and my penis had started to poke through. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56652

You deserved it

22986

Favorite

By ... cheers - United Kingdom - Bishopton

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. His reason was that my laugh is really annoying and makes him want to "stick a baby in a blender". FML

I agree, your life sucks

50988

You deserved it

9685

Favorite

By dunicha - United States

Today, I was reading a book in German, which I don't know very well. Suddenly I reached a passage I had no trouble understanding. Excited, I showed my husband, saying I was finally getting the hang of it. He laughed and patted my head. Turns out, that particular passage was a quote. In English. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11349

You deserved it

38219

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Goodyear

Today, my girlfriend of 3 weeks gave me an ultimatum: marry her, or she kills herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

74229

You deserved it

6376

Favorite

By mugged - Germany

Today, I went to the Salvation Army to donate some clothes. As I was handing over the 4 huge bags that I had carried for 10 blocks, while 6 months pregnant, somebody stole my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43916

You deserved it

3727

Favorite

By nubs

Today, my dad wants a divorce. I can either stay with my wine-loving mom or move 300km away with my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2646

You deserved it

153

Favorite

By Sofi

Today, I canceled going to a party with my sisters because I had a secret plan to have a threesome. They left for the party, but soon returned thinking it would be no fun without me. By then we were already making a lot of indecent noise. They heard it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2117

You deserved it

2815

Favorite

By annoym - United States

Today, I spent my day creating a new type of laugh, and performing it in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19112

You deserved it

13930

Favorite

By hated - United States

Today, I realized that my dad is more comfortable talking to the dog than sitting in the same room as me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25458

You deserved it

2833

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bishops Stortford

Today, my social anxiety hit a new low. I was playing bingo and, although I won, I didn't shout "bingo" because I thought too many people would look at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30387

You deserved it

8843

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 20:01

Grumpy git

Today, my husband told me that he thinks I'm not doing real work because I laugh during online meetings. Sorry I'm not miserable all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

884

You deserved it

Favorite

By mymidlifecrisis - United States - Valley Village

Today, after years in a relationship I realized that my partner does not like the music I listen to, the food I cook, the pictures I take, the way I dress. The only thing she likes is when I take her out to eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13849

You deserved it

1365

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, as part of the treatment for my bulimia, my doctor informed me that I will not be allowed to go to the bathroom unsupervised. Meaning there will have to be another person in the bathroom with me at all times. I have a nervous bladder. I couldn't go if I wanted to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27191

You deserved it

13778

Favorite

By Damm - United States

Today, I have an auto immune disease which causes my penis to look like a tie-dye t shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37207

You deserved it

2740

Favorite

By sonotsuave - United States - Arlington

Today, I was tutoring. When my kids were finally working on their own, I stood in my classroom’s doorway to talk to my boss sitting outside about upcoming work. Suddenly, one of my students sitting directly behind me let out the loudest fart ever. I think my boss heard and thought it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1866

You deserved it

171

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Notting Hill

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me. I asked why, and he said "Because sometimes you look good, and you buy me stuff." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43885

You deserved it

7221

Favorite

By quackers - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that my favorite pizza place will no longer deliver to my area after dark because they've been robbed too many times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13755

You deserved it

1188

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, after much thought and serious consideration, I nervously admitted to my boyfriend that I'm bisexual. The first thing that he said in response was: "Want a threesome?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

20442

You deserved it

40764

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By demix_fml | 32

#7900187 - Thursday 23 April 2020 22:13

He sounds like an butt hat!

By PhoenixChick | 26

#7901357 - Tuesday 28 April 2020 1:04

Refuse. Covid is killing old people outright, and causing catastrophic strokes in the young. You aren't safer.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7900029 - Thursday 23 April 2020 9:04

Hey, at least you're essential!

By demix_fml | 32

#7900187 - Thursday 23 April 2020 22:13

He sounds like an butt hat!

By Hangryko | 17

#7901082 - Monday 27 April 2020 7:55

Report your coworker to management. Also, I don't know what country you work in, but it's rather universal that you can refuse to perform unsafe work without penalty (in this case, going outside established drop off sites where transmission of the virus is minimal). Double check your local work laws.

By PhoenixChick | 26

#7901357 - Tuesday 28 April 2020 1:04

Refuse. Covid is killing old people outright, and causing catastrophic strokes in the young. You aren't safer.