Today, I got talking to a really hot guy at a party. He told...

By Sandra - 18/2/2009 14:15 - Ireland

Today, I got talking to a really hot guy at a party. He told me that he was only here because he heard the host would sleep with anyone, and he and his buddies had a bet going. It was my party. FML

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Love

Dangling modifier

Live dumping

Sewer monster

By girlie5445 - 13/2/2010 08:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date with a cute guy. After picking me up, he started to play on repeat, and sing to me, 'Happy Together' by The Turtles. For the entire 20 minute ride. FML

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By slightlyslow - 2/7/2009 20:33 - United States

Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year old, I realized why the kangaroo's name is Kanga, and why her son's name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn't until today. I'm 47. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 21:10 - United States

Today, a funny smelling liquid was sprayed all over the computer. Last week, I told my fully pottytrained but extremely reluctant toddler that he couldn't play Barney games until he used the big boy toilet. A 4 year old's revenge really sucks. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2015 13:58 - United States

Today, a guy hit on me. It's such a rare occurrence that I didn't know how to react, so I panicked and said "Sorry, I have to go!" Then I remembered we were on a bus, and just turned around and awkwardly pretended he wasn't there. FML

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By what did you say? - 15/6/2016 13:25

Today, I went for a job interview. The woman interviewing me had such a thick accent that I had to keep asking her to repeat herself. She got so frustrated that she ended the interview super early. I don't think I got the job. FML

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By fuckthat - 18/2/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, my grandmother called. She greeted me by my mother's name. When I told her it was not my mother, she apologized and corrected herself, but this time she addressed me as my sister. When I told her it was not my sister either, she said "Sorry, wrong number" and hung up. FML

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By Sebastian20 - 8/5/2013 11:05 - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, after a night of heavy drinking, I woke up handcuffed to my bed. My friends who are responsible for this think it's hilarious and claimed not to remember where they put the keys. They took pictures, then left. FML

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By cootiequeen - 1/6/2014 04:13 - United States

Today, at work, a lady approached me asking if I'd found a used cloth diaper on a table, and I told her it was probably in the trash. She said "That's okay, I can wash it." So I searched through several bags of trash, and when I couldn't find it, she said "Oh never mind! It's in my bag." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2012 05:40 - United States

Today, I was pushed over and robbed in a parking lot by a man in an ugly Christmas sweater. When I looked up, I was too distracted by the sweater to even look at his face. FML

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By Jim - 11/1/2012 01:32 - Belgium

Today, I told a co-worker to "lighten up, and stop wearing black all the time, it makes you look depressed." I didn't know his father had died the week before. FML

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By lalala - 14/6/2011 10:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was arrested for carrying a dangerous weapon. I was on my way home from the shop where I'd bought a new kitchen knife. FML

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By Sam - 27/8/2020 23:02 - Canada

Love hurts

Today, I was diagnosed with a condition where blood vessels in my brain spasm just before orgasm, resulting in me getting a wicked migraine that lasts for days. The only cure? No more orgasms. FML

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By bottomdrawerraider - 17/11/2010 17:13 - United States

Today, my mother was over visiting. My three year old ran out of my room chasing the cat with his toy. He smacked the cat with it, the cat scratched him, he dropped it and ran away. I was busy with the baby so I asked my mom to take the toy away. She walked back holding my pink dildo. FML

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By sex sent me to the Er - 15/10/2019 14:00

Life imitates bad art

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Feeling goofy, I thought it’d be funny to try to reenact that horrible sex scene from the movie Showgirls. I threw my body back, but completely lost my balance and smashed my head on the headboard. I ended up with a bad concussion and a huge hospital bill. FML

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By ew - 3/7/2012 11:33 - United States - Garland

Today, I asked the 7-year-old that I was babysitting if he could burp on command. He said he could, and began to demonstrate. It turns out he couldn't purposely burp, but he definitely could vomit on command. FML

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By sorrynotsorry - 19/8/2014 02:59 - United States - Vancouver

Today, a customer told my boss I was too pushy because I asked her what bra size she wears. I work at a lingerie store. I got a stern lecture from my boss. FML

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By RingofFire - 3/6/2016 23:23 - United States - Edenville

Today, I was standing on the patio when one of my upstairs neighbors threw a cigarette butt over the balcony. It landed on my head and burned some of my hair. FML

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By Elisabeth - 16/8/2020 17:01

Close shave

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. He went to get popcorn and I went to the bathroom. Thinking he had got back before me, I sat down next to him in the theater. I leaned in to kiss him, then realized it was some 70-year-oldish woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2019 00:01 - United States - New York

Today, I caught my half-sister stealing money from her mother's purse. Rather than risk getting in trouble, she told her uber-conservative mother that I've been seeing a girl. So now, I'm grounded for being gay, and she gets off the hook for stealing because she outed me. FML

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By Whateversz - 24/7/2010 19:59 - Netherlands

Today, when I took a nap on the couch, a spider crawled into my mouth. How do I know? My boyfriend filmed it and laughed. FML

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By seizuregirl17 - 19/11/2013 15:00 - United States - Boston

Today, I had a seizure in class. Being an epileptic, I had warned my professor of the possibility that I could have one in class. She was understanding and seemed very concerned about my issue at the time. After I had the seizure, however, she asked me if I had ever tried exorcism. FML

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By sleepingbeauty - 24/4/2016 08:45 - United States - Jackson

Today, I got in a fight with my boyfriend. I sent him a long message pouring my heart out about how hurt I am that he constantly ignores me or responds to almost everything I say in monosyllables. He texted back "ok". FML

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By someone - 2/9/2009 11:00 - Denmark

Today, I went to the dentist to get a hole in my tooth filled. After the dentist had injected the anesthetic into my gums, she realized that none of the electrical equipment were working. She sent me home. My entire right side of my face is completely numb and swollen for no reason. FML

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By Cherie - 31/8/2009 21:18 - United States

Today, I was in an unfamiliar building on campus and I needed to use the bathroom before class started. I walked in and saw a man at the sink. I said "Oh my god I'm sorry! I thought this was the women's washroom." It was. The very butch looking woman gave me a look of death. FML

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By ev_lyn_aw - 28/2/2017 02:00

Today, I received a company-wide email from my boss, praising a coworker's extra effort at improving our line of business. The coworker's efforts were a direct copy-and-paste of a plan I put together three months ago. No one cared when I gave the presentation. FML

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By Mik - 8/6/2011 03:05 - United States

Today, I was bored. Some people would've called up friends to hang out. Not me. I had the sudden urge to make an entire Excel Spreadsheet on how much I've spent on iTunes, month-by-month. I'm not sure what's worse, that I got really into it, or that I've spent nearly $800.00 on iTunes. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2012 16:40 - Canada - Charlottetown

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and sister fooling around in the shower together. Supposedly, she was sleepwalking, and he was trying to wake her up. FML

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By Anthony - 14/4/2016 23:15 - France

Today, on a train, a little boy and girl come up to me and ask how babies are made. Already pretty uncomfortable with their question, their mother suddenly appears and says, "Go on, tell them!" FML

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By Bellagirl - 19/7/2010 07:10 - United States

Today, I found out what's worse than having the "sex talk" with your parents: having the "sex talk" with your boyfriend, when he's 23, right before you were supposed to have sex. FML

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By toosmall - 31/1/2009 21:40 - United States

Today, at the urinal a guy came up next to me to do his business. He stared over at me, looked down, laughed and then left. FML

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By Aliiveopen - 24/8/2020 07:02 - United States - Wasilla

Demon drink

Today, my mom got blackout drunk and tried to fight me, my stepdad, and my brother, resulting in my stepdad leaving, my brother getting 2 holes from a metal shelf my mom tried to joust him with, and I got bit. FML

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By okay17 - 29/12/2015 05:00 - United States

Today, I met my new roommate. I hadn't even gotten her name yet, because the first thing she said to me instead was that she wanted to hang her confederate flag on the wall. I'm black. FML

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By pontwa - 23/8/2015 13:45 - Australia

Today, after nearly 2 years, my now ex-girlfriend decided she was ready to have sex. Specifically, sex with my dad. FML

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By Shower? - 19/10/2009 07:26 - France

Today, I was texting my boyfriend, making plans to see him tomorrow. He ended the conversation by saying "I'm changing my sheets tomorrow, so take a shower." FML

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By ByeByeBlackberry - 7/9/2009 17:32 - United States

Today, I decided I would finally get up and weed our front yard. After a long couple of hours, I was hot and sweaty and decided to jump in the pool, with all my clothes on, just for fun. Right as I was in the air doing a cannon ball, my BlackBerry started to ring from my pocket... FML

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By ruvru - 10/4/2009 17:13 - United States

Today, while lying next to me, my boyfriend smiled and told me, "I really like your eyes. They're pretty." He paused and then finished with, "They really help your face." FML

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By DeadBroke - 7/1/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years because I was tired of his childishness and anger, so he decided to send me 540 random text messages of scrambled letters in order to mess up my phone as well, as make me pay 20 cents for each message. FML

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By woahheylex - 25/6/2011 14:21 - United States

Today, after ordering pizza, I heard some strange noises coming from my basement so I called the cops. The pizza came fifteen minutes before the cops. FML

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By wasteoftime - 7/6/2017 20:00

Today, I went to a job interview. I never applied for the job, they'd sought me out, had a phone interview, and sent samples, all before the face-to-face interview. Turns out none of the people I met with had even read my resume or writing samples. I was told I might not be a good fit. FML

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By jules - 10/3/2011 07:53 - United States

Today, an older man sat next to me while he ate his lunch. He dropped what I assumed was his cutlery. Wanting to help out, I picked it up off the floor. It was his teeth. FML

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Top comments

By djdeathwish | 0

#3430 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 18:06

When's your next party?!

By StayClassy | 0

#3432 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 18:09

So how was he?

COMMENTS

By MozReference | 0

#3421 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 17:25

it sounds like the person he was looking for is his only hope.

By djdeathwish | 0

#3430 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 18:06

When's your next party?!

joshwa95 | 0

#976029 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 23:51

haha. nice(:

By StayClassy | 0

#3432 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 18:09

So how was he?

By vno_fml | 0

#3449 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 19:02

@#9: l2read. she "got talking to" not "got to talk to". very different.

By runmymouth | 0

#3453 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 19:20

DAMN.
I hate rumors. -_-

By Unsuprised | 0

#3459 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 19:28

Did you tap them?

By sillypun | 0

#3473 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 19:49

class.... sheeeer class.

cheerloveyou | 0

#2269283 - Thursday 31 March 2011 0:58

ha . what are you ? 40 ?! eww !

MrPlopper | 9

#5306577 - Thursday 3 January 2013 6:35

bitch you're 14 stfu!

By fmlismymodo | 0

#3500 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 20:46

hahaha oh daum... that's gotta suck having a rep like that. You still slept with him.. right? And you still throw parties? tiskk tiskkk

By midnyte | 0

#3535 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 21:52

Split the winnings.

By ohgeez | 0

#3539 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 21:57

Well find out who he's friends with and now you know who thinks you're a whore. Sucks.