Animals: Today, I found out why I find damp spots on my favorite jacket....

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 100

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 610

You deserved it 100

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 596

You deserved it 40

17/01/2012 00:33

Today, I found out why I find damp spots on my favorite jacket. I appears that my dog often becomes very intimate with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 638

You deserved it 3 399

Animals

Mama's boy

Our house, in the middle of our street

Money management

14/03/2009 11:36

Today, I gave myself a facial with one of those masks you leave on for a while. I busied myself by tidying my room while it dried and eventually forgot all about it. I finally remembered about it after I answered the door to the postman. Not embarassing enough? I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 327

You deserved it 64 977

14/10/2015 05:40

Today, I got yelled at in a grocery store by a customer who recognized me from the pizza place where I work. Apparently, I forgot mushrooms on her pizza earlier this afternoon. I had the day off, but thanks for the verbal lashing, lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 622

You deserved it 1 866

19/01/2011 19:19

Today, my boyfriend spent an hour lecturing me on how I need to ask for what I want. So I asked him to delete a crappy picture he'd taken of me the night before. His response: "No, you don't always get what you want." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 330

You deserved it 9 467

03/12/2010 14:41

Today, I got fired from the job I'd had for eleven years for going onto Facebook while on the clock. When I got home, I saw that my boss had updated his status, from work, to "Finally fired that bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 945

You deserved it 10 021

18/07/2016 01:02

Today, I woke up in the hospital after my sister saved me from "hanging" myself. In reality, my sister choked me because I ate her last chicken nugget. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 537

You deserved it 1 412

30/10/2012 19:46

Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, she asked me to whisper her name. Apparently, her name is not Kate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 727

You deserved it 78 734

12/03/2013 04:43

Today, my pet parrot learned a new trick. In addition to imitating my dog, and my voice when I call my mother, it can now imitate my sex noises, and likes to screech them whenever someone comes into the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 122

You deserved it 9 226

29/11/2010 18:02

Today, while I was out of the house, my 6 year old brother stole my new waterproof camera, dunked it into the toilet holding onto the wrist strap, and flushed repeatedly to see if it lived up to its "waterproof promise." It didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 464

You deserved it 3 732

13/12/2013 03:08

Today, my boss found out that my girlfriend dumped me. He asked if that meant she would no longer bring her delicious homemade cookies to the office. When I said yes, he fired me on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 686

You deserved it 3 396

22/07/2013 15:58

Today, I couldn't move without people talking to me about the "Royal Baby". It's like it's actually going to have an effect on my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 735

You deserved it 6 334

05/07/2009 04:57

Today, it was my boyfriend and my six-month anniversary. I've really fallen in love with him, and I know he loves me the same. So I got him a really nice gift, a watch he's had his eye on for as long as I've known him. It was expensive. What does he get me? A condom. Three actually. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 075

You deserved it 9 826

Priorities

By phones - 16/01/2015 17:09

Today, I accidentally spilled a big glass of water on the table, where I had some papers, my cellphone, and a box of donuts. With lightning reflexes, my sister heroically jumped forward and saved the donuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 816

You deserved it 9 214

19/11/2015 22:10

Today, my friend and I were having a casual discussion about sex. Blowjobs came up and my friend said she'd never dared to give one, arguing that swallowing sperm can make you pregnant. I then had to go on with a 30 minute argument with her on how that's not possible. She's 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 925

You deserved it 2 288

Stiff Little Fingers

By Lunar-Spice - 03/08/2021 16:00

Today, I found out that the stiffness I've been feeling in my hand is arthritis and that it's only going to get worse. Not only do I type for my job, I'm also 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 55

25/05/2009 14:24

Today, I went to a theme party where everyone wore white shirts and brought markers to draw on them. I didn't know many people there but I still went around drawing on people's shirts. After a few hours, someone finally drew on my shirt. They wrote "I'm scary." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 869

You deserved it 9 148

17/03/2009 03:17

Today, after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on my windshield. The note read, "F*** you, Jackson." I'm Tyler. Jackson is my co-worker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 200 434

You deserved it 10 592

29/04/2011 14:00

Today, the only person who wished me a happy birthday is the policeman who checked my identity card for being "suspiciously gangster-like". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 387

You deserved it 5 747

07/06/2016 01:58

Today, my sister asked me to let her dog out of the kennel when I got home. I did only to have the little beast bite me. She then ate the entire content of the cat's litter box, which she couldn't keep down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 403

You deserved it 1 067

Growing old gracefully

By OldBitch - 16/08/2020 02:01

Today, I realized my breasts look like sweat socks and my ass is sagging so much, it slaps the back of my legs. My neck has grown three chins, and I have put on 40 lbs. Yes, the golden years are here at last, and they can certainly kiss my ass. Happy 50th to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 218

You deserved it 419

05/09/2010 19:20

Today, I bleached my hair for the new school year. Instead of blonde, it came out orange, making my hair resemble a bloated pumpkin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 604

You deserved it 32 422

08/09/2009 20:48

Today, my boss fired me because a coworker had seen me reading magazines on the job. That same coworker was the one who offered me the magazine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 038

You deserved it 7 902

27/12/2018 04:00

Today, my husband left his cellphone unlocked so I decided to go through it. I found 10 texts threads from 10 different women, one of them from my 18 year old sister who was sending him nude pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 453

You deserved it 1 626

Snow day

By doggie_doo_face - 06/02/2010 00:50

Today, my dog accidentally crapped on her leash. When I flicked the leash to get the poo off, it went flying. Have you ever had warm poo hit you in the face on a cold day when there's 6 inches of snow on the ground? I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 024

You deserved it 9 671

31/10/2016 02:48

Today, I should probably throw out my old, torn dress as my boob popped out to say hello to a passing car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 942

You deserved it 2 733

15/08/2009 04:32

Today, my drunk uncle threw my brand new iPhone 3GS into my pool, ruining it completely. When I asked him to pay for the 600 dollar replacement cost, he said he wasn't responsible for his drunken actions. All of my family members are on his side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 927

You deserved it 4 423

10/11/2018 10:30

Today, my boyfriend and I had a friend over. This friend was talking about how 2 girls were trying to get with him. My boyfriend says "I wouldn't ever fuck the blonde one, but I would do the other one in a heartbeat." Then, realizing what he said, he hesitantly added "...if I was single." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 228

You deserved it 396

Classic mistake

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 08:01

Today, as a nursing student, I needed to take a blood sample from someone and the veins on his arms weren't really easy to draw blood from. I asked him, "Can I please look at your legs?" It turns out he was amputated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 805

You deserved it 226

24/09/2013 04:47

Today, my niece, who is fifteen, convinced my six-year-old daughter that her name is spelled C-U-N-T, and just pronounced as Catherine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 468

You deserved it 3 437

12/07/2016 21:52

Today, I found out that my wife sheds worse than a husky when she showers. I've had to clean the drain before I shower or it floods the bathroom floorrrrr. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 396

You deserved it 1 197

07/06/2017 15:00

Today, I started work at catering company. I was aware that I'd be cleaning dishes, but they forgot to warn me how many. Needless to say, after polishing 527 glasses, my hands hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 633

You deserved it 1 080

08/09/2009 05:29

Today, I went to the emergency room. Apparently, when your ex-girlfriend hits you in the nuts with a bat, it can do some damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 754

You deserved it 7 588

01/11/2017 18:30

Today, I found out that I've been taking the wrong math class all semester. We're only a few weeks from finals and I have no drops left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 244

You deserved it 1 529

11/05/2017 16:00

Today, after ordering it four weeks ago, I finally got the expensive figurine that I'd been wanting. Also today, my brother jizzed onto it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 021

You deserved it 382

Indeed

By Anonymous - 12/04/2021 21:30

Today, my mother suffered a stroke and had to be hospitalized. In order to drive him to the hospital, I actually had to find my father, who never answers any phone calls or messages and is rarely home. I found out on the spot that he was cheating on my mother. What an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 152

You deserved it 62

08/06/2016 10:40

Today, I learned that the three secretaries at work make spreadsheets about who uses the toilets, when and for how long, and then make bets on who will take the longest toilet break, who will use it the most often, etc. Now I constantly look at my watch whenever I use the toilets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 707

You deserved it 1 255

27/10/2011 08:06

Today, I was jogging around the neighborhood when I saw an old man on his porch. Being friendly, I waved at him as I ran by. Apparently his idea of greeting someone is pelting them with stones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 276

You deserved it 2 726

14/09/2012 00:06

Today, in the middle of what had to be the most amazing blowjob I've ever had in my life, my girlfriend had a mental breakdown and began weeping on top of my cock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 016

You deserved it 8 188

12/07/2012 19:23

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I realized he was opening his mouth wide a lot. At first, I thought he was trying to French-kiss me. He was actually yawning through the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 794

You deserved it 4 880

10/11/2009 17:53

Today, I talked to my crush for twenty minutes at Wal-mart. Then I realized I forgot to take off my Weight Watchers meeting nametag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 112

You deserved it 27 219

21/05/2009 16:41

Today, I woke up early to take my dog for a walk. I wore spandex shorts. I stopped to talk to several people I know and passed a group of hot construction workers who checked me out. I just got home and realized I have the biggest cameltoe I've ever seen in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 719

You deserved it 59 832

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Top comments

antart3 18

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:03

I hope you will keep their litter :)

tmd4L 7

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:07

Doggy style.

Comments

antart3 18

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:03

I hope you will keep their litter :)

jonriise18 3

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:15

What!?

xSonic 9

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:20

That'd be a scary ass creature man!

Pentium_4 26

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:20

even when you neuter them they still do that lol

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:23

18- Coated dogs? Aw shyt boys! Run fer duh hills!

Pentium_4 26

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:26

or at least attempt to

x_KL_x 7

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:33

21 - Jackrussles?

girl112891 7

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:59

It's his favorite jacket too OP.

Jonkbaby 21

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 11:50

did you buy your jacket from, Cruella Deville?

freakinglaugher 10

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 13:15

Why can't you just except their love, OP?!

KeyboardWarrior 10

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 13:58

Don't you mean accept?

theladyofepic 3

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 14:14

Apparently it's also the dog's favorite jacket.

freakinglaugher 10

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 22:13

Dang, I messed that one up pretty bad. Really need to stop this wake up and comment thing.

maddyyghee 6

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:04

Oh yuck :/

DrMime 10

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:28

Better than your dog getting violently intimate with your leg. Seriously, he penetrated! But now my leg is pregnant and I'm carrying our love child

DrMime 10

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:35

....Or it's a horrible cyst...

BeaterOfTheDrums 15

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 10:29

Pop it, and put it on YouTube.

DrMime 10

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 10:33

I've never given birth on camera before!!! Has there ever been a birth where it's just placenta? Because that's how this would end...

ScaughtieHolden 11

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 13:47

What the fuck is the matter with you..

ljbgamer 1

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 14:23

Sell it on eBay

Complaining 13

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:06

Perhaps you should give your dog your coat then. Aside from that, got any funny remarks about the coat lately?

CalCommando 6

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 12:30

"Your coat smells very... unique."

stickyvikky285 9

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:06

That's gross ..

Fiskerz 0

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:48

He just really likes you and the jacket reminds him of you!

GoW_Chick 14

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 10:40

Is that gross STICKY Vikky? I mean you might be the expert on this subject...

tmd4L 7

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:07

Doggy style.

cBlackout 13

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:12

Took the words right out of my mouth.

cheesiestcake 1

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 1:37

Ikr

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:07

At least it's warm when you need it?

GoW_Chick 14

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 10:34

Nothing beats putting on a warm, sticky, slighty salty smelling jacket on a chilly winter morning.

shazza26 1

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 9:10

If she was in australia, it would be worse becaus it's summer

CaptainCola 7

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:09

It's the dog's favorite jacket too

BeaterOfTheDrums 15

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:09

Your dog needs a ducky..

rogue2888 4

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:12

Cut it's rocks out lol

RawrzIIshScareh 0

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:13

That's smexii. Maybe you should get him a girlfriend.

death_dolphin24 0

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 3:38

You mean a bitch?

MrMustangg 0

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 9:14

I guess it's your dogs favourite jacket too

YDIomg 9

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 16:38

My cat did that with an old stuffy I had when I was younger, but after we got him fixed he stopped.