By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 20:00 - Australia Itchy and Scratchy Today, I put a collar on my dog to get rid of his fleas. Good news? He doesn't have fleas anymore. Bad news? They've moved onto the rest of my family. FML I agree, your life sucks 1474 You deserved it 317 1 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By nobodywasthere Today, I explained to my teacher that I wasn't at school yesterday due to three doctor appointments for my moderate epilepsy. Yesterday was senior skip day. She gave me detention for lying. FML I agree, your life sucks 4142 You deserved it 407 16 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By ManagerWithoutRespect - Canada - Saint Albert Today, one of my co-workers threw a piece of garbage at the waste bin beside me. When it missed, he said, "Aw, I missed the garbage... and the bin beside it." FML I agree, your life sucks 8838 You deserved it 854 24 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By oww - United States Today, I woke up with a bloody nose and my lamp next to me in bed. Apparently I grabbed the cord of the lamp and yanked while I was sleeping, and it fell on my face. The worst part? My boyfriend saw it was going to happen, but didn't stop me because he thought it would be funny to "see my reaction." FML I agree, your life sucks 30129 You deserved it 3360 35 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Nate - United States Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I have never read any of the Harry Potter books. FML I agree, your life sucks 34653 You deserved it 59011 570 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous Today, a customer asked if we stocked gluten-free water. Then she got pissed when I laughed at what I thought was her joke. FML I agree, your life sucks 14041 You deserved it 1052 72 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By petlover - United States Today, I had to put my 17 year old cat down. I cried the whole way up to the vet's office and back. After finally coming to terms with the situation, and trying to forget, my dad's friend walks up to me and says, "So, I heard you killed your cat?" FML I agree, your life sucks 36895 You deserved it 3828 83 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Brandon - United States Today, my mom was taking an online IQ test. To the question "On which continent is Canada located?" she responded "Antarctica." If intelligence is genetic, I'm screwed. FML I agree, your life sucks 36399 You deserved it 3666 239 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By awesome - United States Today, my Christmas tree was finally shipped. FML I agree, your life sucks 36617 You deserved it 4586 182 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By uncool - United States Today, the only person to wish me a "Happy birthday" was the cop who pulled me over, as he handed me my ticket. FML I agree, your life sucks 39549 You deserved it 5002 96 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By jag talar - Canada Today, I came home to visit my family after a year at college. Expecting to impress them, I proudly informed them that I now speak fluent Swedish. Imagine my surprise when my mother said, "That's a useless language" and everyone agreed. FML I agree, your life sucks 30202 You deserved it 7163 223 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By jailey Today, my friend decided that we should go clubbing together to "catch up". Her version of catching up is me standing beside her making out with some random dude in the parking lot. FML I agree, your life sucks 14554 You deserved it 1270 40 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By embarrassed - United States - Great Neck Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I got a boner when they sang the anthem, because that's what I sing in my head when having sex with his daughter so I last longer. FML I agree, your life sucks 52499 You deserved it 20386 165 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By WIIslave - United States Today, I went to the doctor to get a pulled arm muscle checked. I told him I had been bowling, and it had just started to hurt badly. He said it was normal for a man of my age (35) to pull a muscle when lifting a ball of 12-15 pounds. I then told him it was on my son's Wii. FML I agree, your life sucks 11887 You deserved it 28926 55 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States Today, I was grounded for not agreeing with an article on dating my mom found in a very strict magazine. The article told parents to monitor phone calls, make rumors about their children cheating on people and not allow their children anywhere but home. FML I agree, your life sucks 45374 You deserved it 3128 230 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States Today, I had a really important meeting for my career. The guy I was supposed to be meeting was driving from across the state, and it was supposed to begin at noon. It's now 4. What if I leave and he shows up after having driven across the state? I don't dare move. FML I agree, your life sucks 1689 You deserved it 143 9 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By skrewedguy - United States Today, my girlfriend left me. Knowing that I am a germaphobe, she took all of my cleaning supplies and spread mud and trash everywhere. FML I agree, your life sucks 33581 You deserved it 6600 149 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By JackOLantern2099 Observational comedy Today, my girlfriend and I saw each other naked for the first time. She said my balls looked like little acorns. FML I agree, your life sucks 2365 You deserved it 326 7 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By sucker - Canada Today, my cheating ex-boyfriend was offered the job we both interviewed for. I helped him with his cover letter before I found out about the affair. I've been unemployed for almost two years. FML I agree, your life sucks 30851 You deserved it 4211 49 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By seekerglow176 - United States - Natick Today, I had to go to the emergency room with my sister, due to involuntary muscle spasms she was having. They gave her a muscle relaxer which caused her to be extremely tired and loopy. She decided to start singing loudly with a song she made up about butt fucking. FML I agree, your life sucks 54798 You deserved it 5115 101 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML I agree, your life sucks 33297 You deserved it 18609 307 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By InnocenceBlue - Australia - Perth Today, after I've been nauseous for a week straight, barely eating or sleeping, I was going to see my doctor. She then called in sick and I can't get an appointment for another week. FML I agree, your life sucks 1560 You deserved it 102 17 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By boogerbrain - United States Today, I was looking at my wedding pictures I had just ordered and I tried to flick something off one of the pictures, but it wouldn't come off. In a panic I quickly looked through all of my pictures and realized that I had a booger sticking out of my nose. No one told me. FML I agree, your life sucks 38009 You deserved it 4156 80 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Me - United States Today, I finally went to the bathroom after being constipated for two days. The good news? I lost two pounds. The bad news? The toilet won't flush. FML I agree, your life sucks 39409 You deserved it 5606 217 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By phillij2 - United States That hurts, BTW Today, I got surgery on one of my hands. I opted for a local anesthetic instead of being put all the way under. I soon discovered my hand hadn't gone completely numb when the doctor started slicing into the finger that needed operating on. FML I agree, your life sucks 36356 You deserved it 6283 129 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - Clermont Today, I was given a lapdance by a pregnant stripper. FML I agree, your life sucks 16924 You deserved it 41810 249 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Cyberella - Australia Today, at my sister's engagement party, my cousins thought it would be funny to get my nanna drunk. They regretted it when she told them, and everyone else at the party about her sex life and how she fakes orgasms with my grandpa. FML I agree, your life sucks 44127 You deserved it 9610 72 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States Today, I was at the doctors getting a pap smear and she asked if it was alright if a doctor in training could come in to observe. I was already laying on the table with my feet in the stirups so everything was in plain sight. When the man came in to observe I looked up to see my brother in law. FML I agree, your life sucks 53544 You deserved it 2868 94 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By meeeeeee - United States Today, I walked in on my boyfriend peeing in the cat's litter box. I'm the one who has to clean it out. FML I agree, your life sucks 29896 You deserved it 3866 114 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Brax - United States Are you experienced? Today, my girlfriend stuck her finger up my butt while giving me a hand-job, promising it would feel really good. It just felt awkward and made me need to poop. FML I agree, your life sucks 41090 You deserved it 9394 107 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By anotherfmladdict - United States - Muscatine Today, my 15-year-old daughter said she wanted to become a "baby name expert". I chortled, until I looked it up. They actually exist. FML I agree, your life sucks 38918 You deserved it 5250 106 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By preggers - United Kingdom Today, I entered the crowded bus and one man sitting in the priority seat glanced at me. Upon seeing my protruding tummy, he quickly offered me his seat. I took the seat. I am not pregnant. FML I agree, your life sucks 12516 You deserved it 33651 118 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Whoops - United Kingdom Today, I was getting a haircut. The lady accusingly told me she'd have to thoroughly wash my hair before she started, as it was way too greasy to cut through. FML I agree, your life sucks 11025 You deserved it 46649 182 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Lindso1 Today, I came home to find my home had been broken into. Nothing was taken, but all the drains were plugged and the water left blasting on high, with a note that said “enjoy the mess”. FML I agree, your life sucks 4122 You deserved it 228 22 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Sabre777 Today, while as a therapist, a client made an audible fart and pointed out that she had done so. Shortly after, she wrinkled her nose as she savored the odor. She began to discuss her significant trauma issues. Before I could respond, her fart wafted over to me, making any mature response pointless. FML I agree, your life sucks 1457 You deserved it 131 5 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United Kingdom Today, while playing badminton, I was so distracted by my ex winking at me that I didn't notice the shuttle cock that hit me in the eye. FML I agree, your life sucks 9678 You deserved it 21344 122 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States Today, I told my son and daughter that their father and I were getting a divorce. They each responded with "YAY! I want to live with daddy! He buys better presents." Their father has literally never bought anything for them, the exact reason I'm divorcing him. FML I agree, your life sucks 45782 You deserved it 8686 213 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States Today, I went on a date with a guy that I have been crushing on for 2 years. At the end of the date he tells me that he is moving away and as his going away present, I could pay for dinner. FML I agree, your life sucks 31985 You deserved it 3029 85 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By unknown - Canada Today, my wife figured out I gave her a dollar store ring for our anniversary. FML I agree, your life sucks 477 You deserved it 4484 19 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By derve - United States Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes for a moment and said, "You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street." FML I agree, your life sucks 21134 You deserved it 2155 58 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - Canada Today, I had to perform with my Orchestra at an event. I hadn't eaten at all because I had to get my blood sugar tested. During the middle of a song I passed out. No one helped me and no one stopped playing "because the song wasn't over and they didn't want to ruin the performance." FML I agree, your life sucks 31566 You deserved it 6231 134 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By RichardPencil | 29 #7895510 - Monday 6 April 2020 20:40 Put flea collars on your family. Problem solved...what's for lunch? Send a private message 6 2 Reply
By RichardPencil | 29 #7895510 - Monday 6 April 2020 20:40 Put flea collars on your family. Problem solved...what's for lunch? Send a private message 6 2 Reply
Today, I started to cry while masturbating. This isn't the first time that this has happened. FML I agree, your life sucks 91 You deserved it 35 2 Comments
Today, I woke up with a sore clitoris. I haven't had sex with my boyfriend for weeks, but I did masturbate yesterday. I guess I can't get horny without... I agree, your life sucks 325 You deserved it 67 4 Comments
Problem solved...what's for lunch?