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By Anonymous - 30/10/2015 22:22 - United States - Saint Peters

Today, I finally stood up to the guy who's been bullying me for the last 2 years. Even though he's been caught in the act several times, he never gets punished, so I figured I'd get away with gut-punching him. Nope. An hour later, I was suspended from school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 910

You deserved it 2 653

By nerofirst - 19/08/2011 13:40 - Canada

Today, I had to utter the phrase "OK, but no cape during sex" to my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 219

You deserved it 6 354

nerofirst tells us more.

nerofirst 0

Friday 19 August 2011 21:22

She wanted to wear lingerie but it came with a cape

By not as easy as pie - 16/10/2015 16:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to explain to a police officer that I wasn't drunk and had swerved because I was eating pie and almost dropped it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 235

You deserved it 21 378

Down in the dumps

By WTF - 15/10/2015 04:43 - United States - Bloomington

Today, I was dumped by my girlfriend because she wanted to be with a man who has an income and a stable career. We are seniors in college and I accepted a really good job offer which I start once I graduate, which she knows about. She dumped me for a drug dealer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 055

You deserved it 2 176

By Lenny_R - 08/12/2016 19:53

Today, I got pulled over for having an expired registration. I also found out my husband hasn't been paying for my car insurance. Luckily, I didn't get arrested because I had my baby with me. They towed my car and gave me 2 tickets and a court date. Oh, and the cop sent me a friend request. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 440

You deserved it 907

By Anonymous - 24/11/2016 13:17 - United States - New York

Today, on Thanksgiving, I asked my kid what she is thankful for. "My tablet." I had just told her I was thankful for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 749

You deserved it 2 291

By Anonymous - 29/09/2015 22:50 - United States - Howell

Today, my mom was watching me during my Taekwondo lessons. She was yelling at me to focus on my own work and to quit hanging out with the little kids. I'm the instructor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 896

You deserved it 1 818

By Pierced - 30/05/2017 18:00

Today, my mother accused me of getting another lip piercing done on the sly to spite her. She finally realised I have more than one and won't believe I've always had two. Thanks for noticing, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 124

You deserved it 447

By CaffeinePlz_24_7 - 16/11/2016 14:20

Today, my mum called me at work in hysterics, saying she had just been arrested and that I needed to get her dog from her house. I had no idea why she was arrested. I hear nothing from her until 1 a.m. when she calls, waking me up. The first words out of her mouth are, "How's the dog?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 138

You deserved it 744

CaffeinePlz_24_7 tells us more.

CaffeinePlz_24_7 6

Thursday 17 November 2016 19:13

OP here (TooStressedToFunction) with an update on things. Had to make an account for this, so enjoy. Turns out my mum AND dad were arrested, and are now on bail for six months. I'm not at liberty to say why they were arrested but trust me the allergations are BAD. Personally I don't belive the allergations are true, but my parents do need to move. Where are they moving? Closer to a support network maybe, consisting of family and friends who can help them through this hard and upsetting time ? Nope! Closer to the dog's special private vet, a full hour away from anyone that they know will help them. I fear pyscological issues are at play. P.S. The dog is fine, other than decades of interbreeding to keep his bloodline pedigree

By Oh No... - 05/07/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend filmed a video about violence in sexual relationships for a class. I expected a monologue kind of thing. She then told me it was an example video of an encounter with a male classmate. She showed me. It’s pretty much porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 429

You deserved it 246

My eyes! My eyes!

By bleach for my eyes please - 07/03/2021 17:01

Today, I found out the hard way that my sister has an OnlyFans. Not judging sex workers, I just really wish I’d know she goes by a stage name before I opened the clip. The things I’ve seen… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 634

You deserved it 444

By ohmygosh - 21/07/2011 23:35 - United States

Today, I accidentally asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted me to take blood from. He asked for a different nurse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 651

You deserved it 48 687

By crazytortise - 06/10/2016 02:40 - United States

Today, I was syphoning some gas from my truck to my friend's car just enough to get to the gas station. I told my friend to let me know when the gas was coming; he said, "Alright." Suddenly, I got a mouth full of gas because he was on his phone taking a video of me. He got the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 635

You deserved it 1 682

By Ughhhhh - 03/10/2016 16:18 - United States - Stockton

Today, I purpose woke up early so that I could be prepared for a class taught by a professor who thinks I'm an idiot. This professor was the first to tell me that I'm 2 hours early and asked very slowly if I know how schedules worked. She seriously sounded concerned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 849

You deserved it 3 574

By Whybother - 20/09/2016 08:13 - United States - Hilo

Today, I'm jobless and picked up transcription work online. I typed furiously all day. I have made a grand total of $2.06. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 663

You deserved it 1 379

By RetailScapegoat - 16/09/2017 20:00

Today, I was fired for job abandonment. Yesterday, my boss told me to go home early because we were so slow. After I reminded him, he laughed and said, "Oh yeah... You're still fired." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 564

You deserved it 268

By KayIsKiwi99 - 29/08/2016 19:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized after turning in my resume to over 100 job openings over the past month, that the resume I've been submitting does not have my phone number or any other contact information besides my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 385

You deserved it 16 240

Nice try

By rutho - 27/03/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I cheated on a math test by writing a couple of equations on my hand. Totally satisfied, I handed my test in, feeling like I had aced it. As I was heading toward the door, I happily waved goodbye to my teacher. She saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 931

You deserved it 209 027

By Embarressed... - 04/08/2010 10:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 656

You deserved it 11 370

By lowly101 - 09/08/2016 19:15

Today, I stood up at my desk and fell. I landed on the arm of my desk chair. There was a loud crack when the plastic in the chair broke. My co-workers heard. They didn't come to check on me because I didn't scream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 541

You deserved it 1 489

By Melaknee - 19/03/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I saw an attractive man outside the club I was trying to get into to. We talked, and ended up having sex in my apartment. The next day when I was dropping him off, I discovered he was homeless and was outside the club begging for money. My house is suddenly out of bread and cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 470

You deserved it 149 844

By Anonymous - 20/07/2016 17:20 - United States

Today, my daughter decided to drench our carpets with water, to "make them grow like plants". She's 9. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 605

You deserved it 1 730

You've got a friend

By no one - 21/05/2011 09:07 - United States

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 652

You deserved it 11 418

By starboy - 10/03/2012 06:50 - United States

Today, I was humming the Star Wars theme song while on the bus. When my stop came I walked down the aisle only to hear a girl mutter, "The virginity is strong in this one." She's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 218

You deserved it 20 182

By You're Not a Wizard - 30/06/2016 12:29

Today, I earned the nickname of "Harry Potter" for all the wrong reasons. I got locked in a storage cupboard for most of my shift, and couldn't get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 235

You deserved it 1 461

It's the thought that counts, right?

By Anonymous - 22/12/2019 18:00

Today, I decided to buy my Chinese Studies professor a gift from Taiwan, so I got her a mini-Taiwanese passport that said "Republic of China" on it. As it turns out, it was actually a two-pack of travel condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 264

You deserved it 2 988

By WrongPlaceWrongTime - 25/06/2016 18:51 - France

Today, my girlfriend came to my workplace to tell me she was breaking up with me. My boss, who was passing by, fired me for "chatting with friends" during work hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 408

You deserved it 829

Call CPS!

By Daddo - 20/03/2018 14:00 - United States - Elkhart

Today, picking up my children from school, I overheard some kids saying what a rotten person their dad was, and how they hated him. It was my kids talking to their friends about me! Why? Because I didn't buy them a bag of jelly beans the day before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 249

You deserved it 425

Not good enough

By Ophelia - 08/06/2016 04:05 - United States - Hudson

Today, a realtor came to take a look at my house. I had worked all morning to make it look lovely. When they took pictures, I explained a number of ways I could change things so everything would look as good as possible. After the house tour, they told me it should be bulldozed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 905

You deserved it 1 079

By mdimanzy - 06/06/2016 20:20 - United States - Tucson

Today, I'm filling in as a secretary. My only job is to answer the phone. So far the phone has rung three times: when I was in the bathroom, when I went to get the mail and when I was shredding papers where there is no phone. Everyone here thinks I am slacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 509

You deserved it 1 515

mdimanzy tells us more.

mdimanzy 3

Tuesday 12 July 2016 1:16

Hi guys I am the original poster but I don't know how to get back into my other account. Anway, this has fulfilled my middle school dream of being published on FML! FYI I am 19 years old and home for the summer from college. I fill in as a secretary as at accounting office because it is usually dead in the summer. They basically pay me to sit up front and answer the phone but I do have to do other things like get the mail, shred paper, file a few things, etc. It is a pretty laid back place and the owners are family friends. It just happened to be on that day I missed the few phone calls that came in. But someone else in the office happened to catch the phone before me. Really not a big deal just thought it was kind of funny! And a sidenote, it was correct for me to use 'where' because the shredder is in a conference room and no phone is in that room. But thank you guys!! I have an abnormal amount of happiness that this got posted.