Health: Today, I was in a play and had a battle scene. I got a little...

By Anonymous - United States - Jamestown

Today, I was in a play and had a battle scene. I got a little too into it and wound up twisting my ankle. The audience was treated to me screaming like a little girl before face-planting the stage a moment later. FML

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Health

And today, on Dr Phil…

They'll have anyone these days

Wow, thanks, I'm cured

By Moanie - United States

Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML

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By idontknowwhatiamdoing - Canada - Toronto

Today, I handed in the answer sheet an hour into a 3-hour long exam because I couldn't answer most of the questions. Now, everyone thinks I'm genius because I "finished" quickly and they want me to tutor them. FML

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By Modeon123 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, I was eating my lunch. When I opened my mouth to eat a spoonful of rice, a bee flew right inside my mouth. My tongue got stung. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me by taping a breakup note to my doorstep and ding-dong-ditching me. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I dried my hands on the same towel I used this morning to wipe up a few shards of glass. You can't see the small splinters in my hands, but believe me, I can feel them. FML

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By dabull - United States

Today, nobody wants to hang out with me due to a nasty rumor that my ex has spread. No one will tell me what was said, because I apparently "know full well" what I did. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to have my tires replaced. While I was paying, the cashier asked if I would like a warranty for the tires. I said, "Nah, only idiots who can't drive need that." While pulling out of the parking lot, I took the turn too wide and popped my tire on the median. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my mother, my aunt, and my two sisters are all on their periods. I can't even brush my teeth in my own house without being treated like a criminal. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 02:02

Hurry up!

Today, my wife told me not to rush her during packing for our upcoming move. She's lived in the house for 30 years and apparently needs to reminisce over every single item. FML

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By a - United States - Clarksville

Today, as my friend was rudely rummaging through my phone, she saw a picture of the pottery I've painted her for Christmas. Not only did she see it, but she also declared it ugly. That's probably the present I'm the most proud of this Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML

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By jennavankirk - United States

Today, I lied to a group of 8 year olds about having a boyfriend. FML

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By wow - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my mother told me that I was "made" in the bathroom of the store I work at now. She even pointed out which stall. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I threw up on a police officer who was trying to do a random breath test. I wasn't drunk or hungover. I'm pregnant and suffering morning sickness. FML

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By Wrenda Witt - 15/6/2020 14:02

Not interested

Today, it has officially been two and half months since I've had sex. I've done everything imaginable to entice him, but my boyfriend doesn't seem bothered at all. FML

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By CC - Sweden

Today, I met an old friend, with whom I have a complicated history and we hooked up. He came before we even started. In his sleep, he pushed me out of the bed. When I woke up, he had peed himself in his sleep. Glad I let that ship sail. FML

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By deee21 - Australia

Today, while resting in bed, I felt a slight tickle on my neck. Thinking it was a cockroach, I panicked and flung it across the bedroom. Turns out it was my brand new necklace, which is now broken into dozens of pieces. FML

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By hungry - United States

Today, I heard that there was supposed to be a huge blizzard heading our way, so I went out to stock up on groceries. After spending $600 on food, I drove home and packed most of it into the fridge and freezer just in time for our power to go out. FML

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By neverunderstood - Italy - San Pietro In Casale

Today, my wife suddenly texted me to meet her halfway beetween our house and the supermarket. I immediately put my shoes on and started walking eager to get to her as fast as I could to surprise her. Turns out she was carrying three heavy bags and yelled at me for being slow and by foot. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to help pick a jury for trial. I had to do a roll call to make sure that everyone was present. I stood up in front of a packed courtroom and said, “Okay, I’m going to do a roll call to make sure that everyone is here and pregnant.” Everyone laughed at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Nice, thanks

Today, a little girl came up to me and said, "Hi, my name is Lindsey, let's be friends!" I thought she was cute, so I played along and said, "OK! My name is Jen!" Her reply was, "Wait, nevermind, I don't want to be friends anymore. You smell funny." FML

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By Craig - United States

Today, I was awarding medals to finalists in a school club. While putting one around someones neck, I ended up poking a girl in the eye. She tried to be a trooper by continuing to walk across stage but i guess her eyes got really watery because she missed the step and fell, breaking her ankle. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Victoria

Today, I received a phone call from my boss, from the other side of the country. It seems the conference I sent him to is actually happening next week. FML

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By Mike - 16/9/2020 09:02 - Bulgaria - Sofia

Baby brain

Today, we had two-year wedding anniversary. A few months ago, I insisted on going to a therapist because my wife can only think and talk about our one-year kid. My present for her was a Spa day, flowers and chocolate. Her gift to me was a Lego set to build for our kid. FML

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By imaginationdarling - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was at my retail job and we had to change the mannequin's outfit. I had to hold her while my manager grabbed the new outfit. I rested my head on her naked plastic chest, and it was the closest I've got to affection in years. FML

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By jodibut - United States

Today, I put my boyfriend's t-shirt on and took sexy pictures with nothing else but panties. I then sent him the pictures. His reply was, "Can you wash that when you're done?" FML

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By sadgirlhours - United States - Gulfport

Today, I tried plugging in my Gatorade bottle with a charging cable instead of my phone. I couldn't tell if the reason was because I was high, or I'm just really that fucking stupid. FML

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By college will be fun they said - United States - Baltimore

Today, I was running late to class and slipped down a staircase. Not only did nobody help me, but when I got up I noticed an old man staring at my ass. FML

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By Gurl - Ireland - Dublin

Today, the iPhone app I downloaded that plays cricket noises during the night, has attracted a horde of actual crickets into my bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 16:57

Friend request

Today, I saw a man begging for change downtown. I offered to buy him a meal, just to help him out with food. He said, "Sure, does Friday work?" I told him that I didn't mean it like that. Three hours later, he found me on Facebook. FML

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By digressions - Canada

Today, I tore a muscle in my back. At the hospital, I was prescribed some pain medication. My husband got me settled at home, with everything I needed within reach, and left for work. As I picked up the bottle to take the first pill, I knocked it on the floor. It rolled under the couch. FML

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By see lie

Today, we recently found out I'm infertile, and I thought we were both devastated, until my partner posted a drunk video to Facebook, basically celebrating that we will never have, "crying, nappy-shitting, soul-sucking, bank account-draining little sods." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Macungie

Today, a homeless man asked me for some money to eat. He ate the five dollars I gave him. FML

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By Amaaaaaaaaaanda - 17/2/2021 00:30

The Based Family

Today, my temporarily unemployed husband had a brain wave. I'm five months pregnant and we have a 4-year-old. He thinks we should start a family vlog on YouTube, so we can get rich. I hate those awful family vlogs with a passion. FML

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By Username - France

Today, at work, my boss made me spend a hour trying to catch a baby raccoon in the parking lot. I'm a bank teller. FML

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By Alex - United States

Today, I realized my friends and I should be more careful what we say around my younger brother. I never thought he was paying attention until today. My stepmom told him it was time to go to bed. He responded, "I think it's time for you to suck one." My brother is 4. FML

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By sippinsoup22 - United States - Houston

Today, my cat was being surprisingly loving towards me. Normally she ignores me so I obviously found this rather odd. She kept meowing so I assumed she was hungry. As I was getting up to feed her, she stood up and pooped all over me, my bed and phone, then turned away and ran. FML

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By other woman - United States - Riverside

Today, I found out that when my boyfriend jokingly talks about his other girlfriend, he isn't actually joking. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried shaving my bikini area for the first time. I ended up cutting myself several times. I now have impressive razor burn, and it's incredibly painful to even wear pants. FML

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By terrified - United States - Union Star

Today, the amount of spiders in my house has gotten so bad that it's become routine to shake out any blankets or towels before using them. FML

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Top comments

By StartAnew | 11

#6472348 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:12

Because "break a leg" was so last season.

By warrenhoward42 | 20

#6472362 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:18

drama kids. always so into it.

COMMENTS

By StartAnew | 11

#6472348 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:12

Because "break a leg" was so last season.

potato_meat | 12

#6472648 - Saturday 28 November 2015 19:01

you sound like a little girl

Murilirum | 23

#6472697 - Saturday 28 November 2015 20:06

You can hear text? Woah!

By Rainbow_Rhinos | 23

#6472354 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:15

Did you finish the play?

By warrenhoward42 | 20

#6472362 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:18

drama kids. always so into it.

By orios105 | 18

#6472364 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:19

And this is why I have stage fright. lol.

By trulypar | 34

#6472369 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:20

When you sell your part you really go for the Oscar!

By amileah13 | 26

#6472377 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:23

And this is why "break a leg" is a bad statement to use for endearment. Hope your ankle is okay op!

By spicyburrito | 18

#6472378 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:23

It probably just made the battle more realistic. I wouldn't worry about the audience too much. Sucks about your ankle tho

By Tripartita | 44

#6472379 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:24

From a battle scene to a screaming little girl—most actors would kill to be as versatile as you.

By Lalala579121 | 27

#6472382 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:26

I hope you got a standing ovation.

By Dynamite73 | 25

#6472383 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:26

Shit like this is why I didn't join drama

One_Way | 43

#6472402 - Saturday 28 November 2015 9:02

Shit like this is why I did. You never know what to expect.