Health: Today, I was in a play and had a battle scene. I got a little...

By Anonymous - United States - Jamestown

Today, I was in a play and had a battle scene. I got a little too into it and wound up twisting my ankle. The audience was treated to me screaming like a little girl before face-planting the stage a moment later. FML

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Health

Family values

Walk on the wild side

Give me my drugs!

By Elizabeth Ann

Today, I no longer need an alarm clock. My cat has learned to jump on my boobs at precisely 7:30 every morning. If I don't get up immediately, she just keeps jumping on my boobs. I'm an E cup. FML

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By WeakBitch

Today, during a judo session, I was paired with a thin, frail-looking rookie. Before a mock skirmish, as I'm much bigger, I said I'd take it easy on her, but also to give it her best shot. She immediately threw me on my face to the floor, knocking me out cold in 7 seconds. FML

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By Robert

Today, my girlfriend's mother invited me to her 18th birthday. She lied about her age. I have been screwing a minor for 2 years. FML

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By damncat - United States

Today, while driving, I witnessed the neighbors dog viciously shaking a black cat. So I slammed on the brakes and jumped out of the car, frantically chasing around the huge dog screaming "Help, someone please help!" I finally managed to tackle him and release the cat. It was a stuffed animal. FML

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By beaten - United States

Today, my Marine friend got back from his tour of duty overseas. We went out for drinks to celebrate his return. His own form of celebration was to pick a fight with a returning Navy SEAL and his friends. We lost. Badly. FML

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By Ace - Canada - Toronto

Today, my brother tried to give my dog a walk by attaching an RC helicopter to the leash and following him while flying it. He broke the RC helicopter which cost 300 dollars, and we had to search for the dog for 3 hours. FML

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By seriously?! - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going to take me out somewhere special, so I called in sick for work. Turns out he had made reservations for the restaurant I worked at. FML

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By Nose bleed - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was eating an apple in class. When I went to take a big bite, my teeth went right through the apple, causing me to scrape the apple right up my face. My nose then started to bleed. I'm now known as the girl who punched herself in the face with an apple. FML

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By what's a rimjob between friends? - United States - Boston

Today, at Walmart, a woman kept screaming at her husband for the most ridiculous reasons. My friend snickered that she must be on her period, prompting her to whirl around, storm over, and slap the hell out of me, thinking I was the one who said it. FML

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By TriangularBanana - United States - Houston

Today, I babysat my little cousin. He thought that a glue stick would have the same effect as chapstick. FML

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By 123_omg

Today, I got a surround sound system from my best friend. I didn't even have it hooked up when the sub woofer fell to the floor and smashed. I don't know if it can be fixed. FML

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By phlyingphuck - United States

Today, I had a serious allergic reaction to the food I ate at a Chinese restaurant that supposedly didn't contain peanuts. According to my waitress, peanut oil "doesn't count". FML

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By no one - 2/6/2020 14:00

Crucial information

Today, I was at work at McDonald's, at the front counter when an elderly lady came up to me and whispered, "I just shit everywhere in your restroom," then turned around and walked out the door. FML

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By dumpedattheclub - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend went to the club. The song "Single Ladies" by Beyonce came on; the DJ came on the mic and said "Single ladies raise your hands!" My girlfriend raised her hand. FML

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By omfgnooo - United States

Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat, causing me to violently choke. My mom had to rush in and help me while I still had my pants around my ankles. FML

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By pimpslaprequired - United States

Today, I got on an elevator at the mall, along with a twelve or thirteen-year-old girl talking on her cell. She spent the whole ride telling the person on the other end how hideous I looked and how I look like a pregnant sperm whale. I was too humiliated to even say anything. FML

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By DangerousDriver

Today, while delivering for a building supply company, I was sent to an incorrect address. I attempted to turn around and got the 24-foot truck stuck in the mud. The homeowner left for work and then called the cops, saying someone was trespassing on his property. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, what started as a fun family Easter egg hunt turned within minutes into my mother-in-law's big chance to be a dramatic cow by screaming at my 5 and 7-year-old daughters for participating in a "vile pagan ritual" and saying that we're all going to hell. They're still bawling. FML

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Today, I'm dating a guy who's back hair is longer than his dick. FML

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By 16590 - Sweden

Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified: me or him. FML

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By Rabite - Germany - Bonn

Today, I called a cab to get me and my cat home from the vet. After a 40 minute wait and three calls to the taxi company, the operator told me that the driver she sent to my location just confirmed that he already has a woman with my name and a cat in his car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss announced that instead of holiday bonuses being on the cards, the company is going under and we'll all be out of a job next year. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 02:01

Spineless

Today, after weeks of thinking about how to ask my crush out, I finally was ready to message her on Instagram, only to find out that she unfollowed me after watching my last story. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, and every day since I got her, I leaned down to pour food and water into my cat's bowls. And today, like every single day, I forgot that my granite countertop sticks out a bit. I think part of my head is flat now. FML

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By x_o - Hungary - ?ttev?ny

Today, it was my first day at my new job. I had to break up two fistfights, then leave work early with a black eye. This is not what I had in mind when I applied to work at a retirement home. FML

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By romance sucks. - United States - Spencer

Today, my class was interrupted by flowers, balloons and chocolates. Then he sang to me a song he wrote himself. This was all for our one-year anniversary. It probably would have been the best day of my life... if I knew who he was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as my dad was handing me my Christmas gift, he pats me on the shoulder and says, "These were mine, hope you enjoy them as much as I did." Thinking it was something special of his he wanted to hand down to me, I quickly unwrapped the box only to find old 70's porn. Merry Christmas? FML

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By no car - 4/8/2020 17:04

Car Wars

Today, I came outside to leave for work. To my shock and horror my car was gone. My asshole neighbor, who has parked in my spot multiple times decided to let her noisy guests park in my parking spot, so I parked in hers. She had my car towed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - East Carondelet

Today, I'm babysitting for kids whose parents said they would be back by 12. Its 4am and they still aren't home. I don't get paid enough for this. FML

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By Anonymous - Austria

Today, I made a delicious casserole for dinner. Just as I was about to serve it, a bowl fell from the cupboard above, exploded on the counter and made it rain tiny, sharp glass shards on my food. I can't pick them all out. FML

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By Geemeisters - United Kingdom - Studley

Today, after several months desperately searching for a job and feeling pretty insecure and unimportant, I drove 15 miles to a job interview. On parking my car at the destination, I found that during my drive a spider had been making a cobweb between the car and my hair. FML

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By Sharee K. - United States

Today, while walking in the city with my little sister, she let go of my hand. Not wanting to lose her, I quickly tried to grab it back. That resulted in me grabbing some 50 year old man's junk. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I came home to tell my parents about my new nose job I got about a month ago. My mom always told me I should get one, so I didn't tell her right away to see if she would notice. I was home for about 20 minutes before she asked me, "so when are you getting that nose job?" FML

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By shelly - United States

Today, I was locked out of my house and had to pee. I waited an hour for my boyfriend to come home. When I saw him pull into the driveway, I peed myself in excitement. FML

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By for better or for farts - 6/8/2020 23:01

The bed is lava

Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML

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By babysitter93 - United States

Today, I was fired from the babysitting job I have had for 2 years. I thought maybe the mother had found out that I sometimes let her kids stay up late and have extra sweets. The real reason, as she told me, was that she didn't want her kids loving anyone more than they love her. FML

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By melissa - United States

Today, my sister teased me about being a mistake baby. When I told my mom what my sister said, her response was "I still love you anyway". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I felt like too much of a loser to go to a Christmas party, since I'd be the only one going without a date. I had to invent imaginary friends who were "coming into town for the holidays" to feel like less of a loser. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I shared our first kiss. When I leaned in on him, he fell over backwards and smashed his head against the floor. FML

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By Ally - United States

Today, I came home to my front door open and a homeless man taking a 'bath' in my sink. If this wasn't bad enough, he refused to leave because 'finders keepers!' FML

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Top comments

By StartAnew | 11

#6472348 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:12

Because "break a leg" was so last season.

By warrenhoward42 | 20

#6472362 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:18

drama kids. always so into it.

COMMENTS

By StartAnew | 11

#6472348 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:12

Because "break a leg" was so last season.

potato_meat | 12

#6472648 - Saturday 28 November 2015 19:01

you sound like a little girl

Murilirum | 23

#6472697 - Saturday 28 November 2015 20:06

You can hear text? Woah!

By Rainbow_Rhinos | 23

#6472354 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:15

Did you finish the play?

By warrenhoward42 | 20

#6472362 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:18

drama kids. always so into it.

By orios105 | 18

#6472364 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:19

And this is why I have stage fright. lol.

By trulypar | 34

#6472369 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:20

When you sell your part you really go for the Oscar!

By amileah13 | 26

#6472377 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:23

And this is why "break a leg" is a bad statement to use for endearment. Hope your ankle is okay op!

By spicyburrito | 18

#6472378 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:23

It probably just made the battle more realistic. I wouldn't worry about the audience too much. Sucks about your ankle tho

By Tripartita | 44

#6472379 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:24

From a battle scene to a screaming little girl—most actors would kill to be as versatile as you.

By Lalala579121 | 27

#6472382 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:26

I hope you got a standing ovation.

By Dynamite73 | 25

#6472383 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:26

Shit like this is why I didn't join drama

One_Way | 43

#6472402 - Saturday 28 November 2015 9:02

Shit like this is why I did. You never know what to expect.