Miscellaneous: Today, I had to explain to a police officer that I wasn't drunk... - FML

By not as easy as pie - 16/10/2015 16:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to explain to a police officer that I wasn't drunk and had swerved because I was eating pie and almost dropped it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 188

You deserved it 21 269

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Batman

The smell detective is on the case

By imustbegay - 09/05/2010 14:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was buying condoms for my girlfriend and myself. While at the checkout counter, my guy friend sees me, runs to me, puts his arm around me, kisses me on the cheek, then yells "Thank you baby!" There were about twenty people behind me, they all gave me dirty looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 248

You deserved it 10 355

Hedging your bets

By Anonymous - 13/12/2020 05:02 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I realized I've been avoiding a doctor's visit for issues, because it might be less painful to go out that way than to see how much more a crapshoot 2021 would be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 658

You deserved it 153

By Optimist - 04/08/2009 08:26 - Canada

Today, I found out I have an option on my phone to postpone the sending of my text messages. I thought it would be cute to send my boyfriend texts saying, " I love you and sweet dreams" every night at midnight for a month. He broke up with me and I can't figure out how to stop the texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 777

You deserved it 25 897

By aarone23 - 01/06/2011 13:30 - United States

Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 394

You deserved it 4 045

Greased Lightning

By Anonymous - 29/05/2019 16:07

Today, I got home from working at KFC and hopped straight into the shower. I could see that the water was being tinged yellow by the grease that had got plastered on me at work and was now coming off, so I started gagging and almost threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 722

You deserved it 189

By Hairball - 01/09/2009 18:05 - United States

Today, I realized the person I had been habitually stealing bag lunches from at work made me a canned dog food sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 399

You deserved it 403 917

By PissyPants - 20/06/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, I finally got my first kiss. I was so excited, I pissed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 160

You deserved it 29 292

By John - 20/07/2011 16:38 - United States

Today, already knowing that my girlfriend wanted to be "just friends", I invited her over, hoping to change her mind. She was playfully drawing on me with a pen when I noticed she'd written "Emily's property" on my leg. I said "Aw, I'm yours?" She then drew a for-sale sign on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 599

You deserved it 12 029

By Amandajean32 - 05/08/2010 00:02 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find the lock to my bike busted and my bike stolen. The worst part was a nicer bike was sitting right next to it without a lock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 773

You deserved it 2 610

By julie24 - 30/05/2014 02:30 - France

Today, I was partying with friends. At around midnight, I sent a text message to my friend to reassure her, saying that of course I could handle my drink. That's the last thing I can remember about the evening. It's a total blank from that point onwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 172

You deserved it 45 998

Sister of the year

By not my fault you got knocked up - 09/08/2020 20:02

Today, my older sister threw an epic tantrum, demanding that my parents not pay for my 21st birthday trip. She insists it’s not fair for them to gift me a trip, since she didn’t get to celebrate her 21st. She didn’t get to celebrate because she was pregnant. Now my mom wants to reconsider. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 098

You deserved it 170

By anon mom - 12/05/2016 00:06 - United States - Manassas

Spicy

Today, my 9 year-old daughter had really bad constipation. When I took her to the doctor, he had to 'break it up' with a gloved finger, and then he sent me home with directions on how to administer an enema. I do not recommend trying to give an enema to a kid that doesn't want one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 664

You deserved it 953

Psycho

By deadgirl - 15/05/2021 01:59

Today, I accidentally broke one of my mom’s favorite glasses while she was away. My dad saw and offered to tell her instead that he broke it, because, "let’s face it, if she knew it was you, she’d shove the glass shards down your fucking throat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 360

You deserved it 95

That's their goal

By your_uglyness - 01/08/2021 05:59

Today, I’m so ugly, I had to pay for more likes on Tinder because I ran out of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 526

You deserved it 294

By BulldogHoops - 12/11/2012 05:12 - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I decided to buy a meal for a homeless man who was being shunned at an intersection. When I went to hand it to him, I realized it was my dad, wearing a tattered old shirt and pretending to be homeless to make some money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 293

You deserved it 2 424

Karen strikes again

By Anonymous - 17/02/2021 08:01

Today, at work as a manager at pizza place, I got yelled by a customer because they got one fewer paper plates than they asked for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 92

By FML - 04/09/2015 16:27 - United States - Maricopa

Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. It went well, until my dad got drunk and started telling everyone about how "midgets" are assholes and are ruining America. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 629

You deserved it 1 713

By wellokaythen - 14/05/2013 19:52 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I heard noises outside my front door. I looked out through the window, only to see my boyfriend encouraging his dog to take a dump on my welcome mat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 826

You deserved it 5 091

Like a virgin

By Anonymous - 07/08/2020 17:01

Spicy

Today, at 26, I bought my first vibrator. I've never really masturbated before, because I've always been with a guy. I used it for the first time, and orgasmed in under 3 minutes. I guess this whole time the guys I've been with hadn’t in fact made me cum as much as I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 615

You deserved it 434

By Fought The Law - 29/10/2011 04:51 - United States

Today, my elderly neighbor called the police because my cat was in her yard. I now have a citation and a court date. Apparently, there is a leash law for cats in my town, and it is taken very seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 111

You deserved it 6 133

By howtobreakup - 11/04/2016 16:39 - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, my friend asked me for advice on how to break up with her boyfriend. I've never done it before so I googled it, my own boyfriend happened to walk in and now isn't speaking to me. He won't believe me when I say it was "for a friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 575

You deserved it 4 264

Demon child

By Anonymous - 17/08/2021 00:01

Today, my daughter threw my stepson down the stairs. When I asked what the hell was going on, she claimed she was just demonstrating her willingness to seriously injure him the next time she catches him in her underwear drawer or in her room at all. I’m not sure which direction to parent in here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 381

You deserved it 137

By aprilfooled - 02/04/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, for april fools day, my entire class decided to prank our religion teacher. During our daily meditation time, while his eyes were closed, we slowly got out of our seats and left the classroom. Two minutes later he opened his eyes, locked us out, and called the dean to give us all detention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 951

You deserved it 76 670

By Shamu - 27/02/2011 19:28 - United States

Today, I found out my friends call me 'Shamu the whale' behind my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 931

You deserved it 7 057

By tastetherainbow - 07/07/2013 10:55 - United States - Katy

Today, I was asked to help my sister clean her room. The moment I opened the door, I was greeted by her screaming "TASTE THE RAINBOW" with a full mouth. She then spat the skittles into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 759

You deserved it 4 827

By eakthegeek - 10/01/2012 09:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 309

You deserved it 6 875

Sex work is work

By Hopeful - 27/02/2021 11:01

Spicy

Today, barely able to pay rent while working 3 jobs, I decided to give in to the idea of making online sex work photos and videos. Everyone else seems to be making thousands doing it, so why not? Turns out that the only people interested in my body are scammers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 103

You deserved it 390

By krissy8799 - 15/07/2011 04:53 - United States

Spicy

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blow job for the first time. He posted it on Facebook and can't understand why I'm angry with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 613

You deserved it 9 941

Death cult

By Anonymous - 27/11/2021 05:01

Today, my aunt told me that I'm dead to her now and not to visit them ever again. Why? She found out that I'm pro-choice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 222

By hatelittleboys - 15/10/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, I was playing FarmTown and got into a fight with a 14 year old boy. I threatened him with physical violence, and he reported me. I'm 23 years old and got banned from a virtual farming game for threatening children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 966

You deserved it 64 155

By 2234 - 04/10/2010 02:10 - United States

Today, I was tossing my car keys into the air and catching them. I threw them up really high, only to have them land in the branches of the palm tree outside my door, at the very top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 311

You deserved it 48 339

Have kid they said, it'll be great they said

By Anonymous - 24/09/2021 02:00

Today, my son is a real ass. My mother died and he literally only booked off half a day to attend his own grandmother's funeral, doesn’t plan to spend time with me after the burial, and since he booked it, all he has done is complain about the three meetings he’s going to miss that morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 329

You deserved it 228

By leafscupwin - 16/10/2012 04:16 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, the person that interviewed me for a job was the same person I called a "fat bitch" at a baseball game after she knocked over my drink while she was dancing. She recognized me too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 058

You deserved it 45 108

By tooembarrassed - 12/02/2016 15:13 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was cuddling with the man I've been seeing, and he started caressing the mammoth of all pimples on my back. He continued fondling me while lecturing me on the dangers of skin cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 121

You deserved it 1 965

By JackG - 03/03/2010 01:20 - United States

Today, while at McDonald's, I saw an 8 year old girl licking a life-size Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench. Being concerned, I told her mother who then yelled at me for 10 minutes for being a "paedophile" and "being turned on by an 8 year old girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 945

You deserved it 3 026

By where's the epipen - 23/10/2016 06:41 - United States - Tampa

Today, I accidentally stepped on a dead bee. The stinger was still intact. How do I know? It stung my foot. I'm allergic to bees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 767

You deserved it 871

By Cindy1897 - 27/08/2017 20:00

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed and took the pain medicine that the oral surgeon prescribed for me before bed. The pain actually did go away for the most part, until my stomach decided to betray me and make me throw up, forcing my jaw to open more than it could after surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 544

You deserved it 252

By Jamie - 10/03/2010 20:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex when he stopped responding. Five minutes later and ready to hang up, he apologized because he got distracted with his game of Tetris. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 777

You deserved it 3 970

By ForeverAlone - 20/05/2013 04:47 - United States

Today, I'm planning my big sister's wedding. My long-term, live-in boyfriend walked by and saw me looking at the wedding tab on Pinterest, smirked, and said, "Don't get your hopes up." I had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 087

You deserved it 8 278

Or he's just becoming an old goober

By Anonymous - 15/04/2020 02:00

Today, my boyfriend, who went to college, is unable to write a two-line email without saying the text out loud at least five times in a row. He also keeps repeating newspaper lines and simple things I say, in a whisper, in order to understand them. I'm afraid he might be developing dementia. At 40 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 700

You deserved it 270

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Saturday 17 October 2015 1:37

Could the pie not have waited till you got home?

MegasaurusRex89 28

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Saturday 17 October 2015 1:37

Dean?

Comments

runninggirl8 16

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Saturday 17 October 2015 1:37

what flavor was the pie?

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Saturday 17 October 2015 2:01

pie flavour!

LilMissCanadian 22

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Saturday 17 October 2015 5:30

I don't know if that was an asdf video reference or not.

redhead_sprhro 10

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Saturday 17 October 2015 7:24

I assumed it was one of those apple pies from McDonald's

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Saturday 17 October 2015 8:07

it was a creampie

MegasaurusRex89 28

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Saturday 17 October 2015 1:37

Dean?

SomeoneSaveSammy 11

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Saturday 17 October 2015 2:36

Aw you beat me too it! hah

thatonlinedude 5

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Saturday 17 October 2015 4:21

and DO NOT forget the pie this time Sammy!

mariri9206 32

Saturday 17 October 2015 4:51

my thoughts exactly!

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Saturday 17 October 2015 6:41

oh my god yes

SubparAtBest 23

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Saturday 17 October 2015 9:35

*Sam walks in* *still no pie*

jocamo 24

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Saturday 17 October 2015 20:22

Damnit! you beat me to it too!

falloutboytrash 10

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Monday 19 October 2015 7:12

*cries*

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Saturday 17 October 2015 1:37

Could the pie not have waited till you got home?

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Saturday 17 October 2015 1:54

Have you ever eaten pie? Then you know what the answer is.

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Saturday 17 October 2015 1:59

Cake is better.

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Saturday 17 October 2015 2:00

True, but pie is still great.

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Saturday 17 October 2015 2:24

Pie never waits. It's pie.

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Saturday 17 October 2015 5:27

How can it be! Its a cream pie!

davincidasecond 24

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Saturday 17 October 2015 9:35

Stop blaspheming, 14. Stop it.

SubparAtBest 23

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Saturday 17 October 2015 9:37

Pie is far beyond cake its in a whole nother league!

jaspinkgrl01 18

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Saturday 17 October 2015 18:00

How can one wait two eat what they love

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Saturday 17 October 2015 21:44

the cake is a lie, but not the pie.

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Sunday 18 October 2015 1:06

I love eating while driving to be honest. And i'm from a country where we use gears.

SecundusSecunda 27

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Saturday 17 October 2015 1:37

Did you offer the officer some? Reckless little OP?

juicy_extasy 25

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Saturday 17 October 2015 1:38

Hopefully the pie was worth the possible trouble it got you into

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Saturday 17 October 2015 2:56

It's pie, of course it was worth it!!

dansco 24

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Saturday 17 October 2015 1:38

You are an idiot! So eating a pie is more important than safe driving. Genius.

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Saturday 17 October 2015 3:05

Let me spell out a word for you, s-a-r-c-a-s-m. Once you learn it I'm sure you'll understand the comment section much better! :)

Thatissarcastic 17

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Saturday 17 October 2015 5:46

In reality it's called facetious ;-; rip sarcasm nobody knows what you really are. Not that the comment was either of the two.

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Sunday 18 October 2015 7:39

I can actually relate to your comment as it is something that i would also post. But understand that acting like an asshole will not get you likes. Fun fact of the day: the capital of Somalia is mogadishu

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Saturday 17 October 2015 1:39

Was the pie good, though?

deftones_fml 19

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Saturday 17 October 2015 1:41

Any type of pie can't wait

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Saturday 17 October 2015 1:42

No

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Saturday 17 October 2015 1:43

Must have been some of mama's blueberry pie.

heftysmash253 6

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Saturday 17 October 2015 1:51

Did you give him/her a pie-ce of your mind?

SubparAtBest 23

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Saturday 17 October 2015 9:39

Ok man so the word has to atleast sound right... cant just be the spelling.. So do better next time..

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 13

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 14

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 126

You deserved it 2 410