Miscellaneous: Today, a colony of ants announced that they'd moved into my bedroom...

By ant_hater - United States

Today, a colony of ants announced that they'd moved into my bedroom closet as I went to get dressed for work. FML

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Miscellaneous

Serious times

Instadrama

Eye-bleach please

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went shopping with my new "It's true, I'm a Ninja" shirt on. Suddenly an apple comes and hits me right in the eye. A little boy runs up to me, yells "You aren't a Ninja! A Ninja would have caught that!", and runs off. FML

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By MrsRockyHorror - United States

Today, I seriously considered labelling myself as 'in a relationship' on Facebook, even though I haven't been in one since '92, so I can hide just how desperate I am. FML

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By yulis - United States - Hagerstown

Today, I got pulled over on the highway for going over the speed limit. The cop seemed nice, and I was sure he'd let me off with a warning, until my husband piped up with, "Didn't think you folks came out this far. What, the donut store got shut down or some shit?" I got the ticket. FML

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By Branski - United States

Today, at a campfire, I whipped out my guitar to serenade this girl I like with a Nick Drake song. When I was done, she said it was nice, but that my singing voice sounds a bit like the Swedish Chef from the Muppet Show. A couple of people nearby burst out laughing in agreement. FML

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By julichlove - United States - Louisville

Today, I didn't feel like going to work, so I called in sick. Five hours later while out shopping, I got hit by a car at a crosswalk. Now I'm laid-up in the local hospital, really wishing I was with the guys at work. FML

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By nude - United States

Today, I woke up in my boyfriend's dorm and decided to take a shower before he woke up. I used the girls bathroom on the above floor, and afterwards just threw on a towel and ran to the elevator. I forgot to press my boyfriend's floor and I was taken to the lobby in a towel. People were waiting. FML

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By OhGodWhy - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I caught my coworker masturbating in the bathroom. This was during her shift, while I was mopping the bathroom floors. FML

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By PineappleOfMyEye

Today, I work at a general store and a customer came in trying to bargain a set price of an item. The item? A 50 cent candy bar. He wanted it for 34 cents. This is not the first time he's done this. FML

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By SapphireRaven - United States

Today, I found out that I was denied for work study eligibility by my college. I went to my financial advisor to ask why. It wasn't my grades or attendance. Apparently my father makes too much money for me to get a job at the school. My dad was fired 3 months ago and has been out of work since. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was emptying the cutlery section of the dishwasher when I reached down and accidentally got the tip of a steak knife wedged half-way under my fingernail. My mum yelled at me for getting blood on the clean dishes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, I discovered that my downstairs neighbor is running a business out of her apartment. Or I should say, her pimp is. FML

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By Crissylove10 - United States

Today, I bought a fake "wedding ring" at Target to play a prank on my parents. They kicked me out, saying my "fiancé" can take care of me now. There is no fiancé, and I just lost my job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for my birthday, someone left a big bottle of mouth wash on my desk with a big bow on it. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I stepped in a pile of dog shit. While trying to get it off by wiping my foot on the grass, I stepped in another pile. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my step mom sat me down and told me that she doesn't think that my dad is my biological father because she hasn't gotten pregnant from him. I don't think she quite understands the concept of being a step mom. FML

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By Z - Australia

Today, I played paintball with a bunch of friends. By the end of the day, my girlfriend and I were the only people left on the field. She shot me mercilessly, and I screamed like a little girl. 30 people watched, 4 people filmed. FML

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By red - United States - Portland

Today, my ex dropped by to pick up a piece of art he'd left when I threw him out a month ago. While here, he visited the restroom. Tonight, my shampoo smelled like urine. And he called at 11pm to say he'd ''rubbed one out'' on my new boyfriend's toothbrush. FML

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By penisgrabber - United States

Today, I came to the realization I make a living trimming the hair off dogs' privates. I've touched more dog penises than I have human ones, and sometimes the dogs get "excited" while I'm working. FML

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36316

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By w_t_f - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of scissors. My mom was cutting my hair while I was asleep. FML

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63036

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By doubletrouble - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally found a roommate after hopelessly looking for months. I was really anxious to meet the guy because I would most likely be spending a good amount of time with him. Who did my boyfriend end up picking as his new roommate? My ex-boyfriend. FML

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By SpitBreathe - 25/10/2020 14:00 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Drink it instead!

Today, I found out why the amount of mouthwash hasn't been decreasing much recently when I walked in on my dad using it and then spitting some of it back in the bottle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was complaining to my roommate that I never get asked out. Then, at work, a mentally challenged man left me his phone number on his pay ticket. Well, I guess I can't complain about never getting asked out. FML

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By I'm donnnneeee - United States - Slidell

Today, I finished a 6-part project. It took me 7 hours of straight work because my partner decided I should do it alone. I then learned that the reason my partner did not help me was because the teacher e-mailed the leader of every group, saying the project was cancelled. FML

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By skmusic - Canada

Today, the phone rang so I went to answer it. No one was there. A minute later the phone rang again and no one answered so I assumed it was a telemarketer or a prank so I started swearing uncontrollably in rage. Turns out it was my crush calling to ask me out, but she was too nervous to ask. FML

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By seriously?? - United States

Today, I was running to the bus stop to catch the bus. The bus driver smiled, waved, and drove away without letting me get on. FML

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By krh14 - United States - Crofton

Today, my girlfriend was feeling a little down, so I tried to console her. She said she just needed space and I respected that. Then an hour later she was fine, so I asked how she did it. She replied that she talked to her ex for a whole hour. This is a common procedure. FML

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By Haitwun - United States - El Monte

Today, my girlfriend tells me she missed her period this month. I felt excited until she said, "I will let you know the results of the paternity test." I was not aware we needed a paternity test. FML

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31059

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By kelizabeth - United States

Today, I went with my fiancé to meet his parents. He was really sweet the whole way there, and once we got there he introduced me as 'the girl I'm going to marry'. His parents took one look at me and said, "Are you sure?" I laughed, because I thought they were joking. They weren't. FML

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By JohnBlack - United States

Today, I was told off for not holding the door open for a woman behind me at work. Yesterday I was informed that chivalry is offensive to women, as it implies that they are not equal to men. I can't win. FML

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32340

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By sad face - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I told my boss that I quit, and handed in my two week's notice. A couple of hours later, I found my letter of resignation had been photocopied and copies hung all around the office with "Best day ever" written on the bottom. FML

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25923

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By scarred - France

Today, I found out my mom is the nude model for an art class at my college. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed my new neighbor had taken the liberty of putting up signs all around their lawn overnight. There are at least a dozen signs detailing the various reasons everyone on the planet is condemned to hell. FML

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By movingbuddy - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend of a year asked me to move in with him. I would have been touched at this gesture, had he not asked in the form of a text message, saying: "Got kicked out. Wanna get a flat or something?" FML

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33923

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By Crash - United States

Beep beep

Today, I saw a woman still texting on her phone as she started to drive away when the light turned green. I made sure to stare her down and give her a dirty look because she wasn't paying attention to driving. She laughed as I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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10136

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By alliwantisabandaid

Today, I cut my finger deep on an envelope at work and started bleeding profusely. When I asked my co-worker for a band-aid, she told me to get back to work and stop making up excuses to try and hit on her. FML

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34070

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By whatevershit - United States - Theodore

Today, it was my wedding day. The best part was when we were taking photos and I threw up on my dress. At least the pictures were outside. FML

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23227

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By Somekindofcaleb

Today, my car died after I got off work at 1am. All of my coworkers had already left and nobody could come out to jump my car. I had to walk the 3 miles home in a torrential downpour. FML

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3820

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By windskurfer - France

Today, I saw my dad help himself to a sex stamina drink. He and mom share the hotel bed next to mine. FML

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21969

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By Loser

Today, at school, I offered my friend $5 to climb up a tree and jumped off. I was already having a hard day and just wanted a bit of a laugh. What I didn't expect was to end up in the hospital with a broken arm because my friend jumped on me. FML

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1559

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By cortanaisahobot - Canada - Toronto

Hot and… greasy

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to spice up our sex life. He suggested incorporating bacon. He was serious. FML

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Top comments

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3197959 - Monday 29 August 2011 8:54

"Hey dickweed, the closet, it is ours! Victory! Bow down to your ant leaders as we wear your pants foolish human"

By McMike10 | 1

#3198021 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:08

So you literally have ants in your pants?

COMMENTS

By codbloodedkill3r | 0

#3197919 - Monday 29 August 2011 8:46

Hahahaha 1st FTW

By megerz1113 | 0

#3197921 - Monday 29 August 2011 8:47

Ooh that sucks... Ants attacked me once though when I went camping and pitched a tent on their colony :P

BagleHead | 6

#3197950 - Monday 29 August 2011 8:52

At least they were cordial about it...

Ruler3000 | 17

#3199788 - Monday 29 August 2011 16:14

This. Is. ANT HILL!

KaanTech | 0

#3201337 - Monday 29 August 2011 22:02

Lets heat it up
Bring flamethrowers it seems we have a xenomorph infestation

thethingthatshou | 4

#3202318 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:32

I hope you can establish a diplomatic channel and work out peace terms

SirObvious | 1

#3202674 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 2:14

Did you not get the memo?

megerz1113 | 0

#3202756 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 2:37

Why the negative thumbs down :( just sayin I know how it feels

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3197959 - Monday 29 August 2011 8:54

"Hey dickweed, the closet, it is ours! Victory! Bow down to your ant leaders as we wear your pants foolish human"

flagg1888 | 3

#3198266 - Monday 29 August 2011 10:41

Yes I wondered about their announcement too. Did they put a full page ad out in your local paper??

Nugaot | 10

#3198414 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:12

Dude, they were talking to you? Been doing a little Wake n' Bake?

Zeek63 | 0

#3198839 - Monday 29 August 2011 14:16

You should announce that your gonna kick some ANT ASS with some RAID and fuck that shit up. Hell YA!

Ruler3000 | 17

#3199808 - Monday 29 August 2011 16:16

I for one welcome our new ant overlords.

MistaXaEro_Chris | 0

#3200449 - Monday 29 August 2011 18:52

hahaha!

HomeAl0ne | 20

#3209935 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 6:32

"Greetings from Narnia!"

By krazy_glu3 | 0

#3197962 - Monday 29 August 2011 8:55

You did wash your clothes.... Right?

SolitaryWolf | 0

#3198024 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:08

What the hell does dirty laundry have to do with ants? Ants are not attracted to unwashed clothes. Moron.

numbers878 | 8

#3198054 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:17

#10 but what if the clothes had food stains D:.

sxe_beast | 11

#3198158 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:48

What 12 said...

dd809 | 9

#3198544 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:52

Words of advice 22... Don't support idiotic comments

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3198995 - Monday 29 August 2011 15:14

Words of advice 30, Don't make retarded comment based on someone supporting something. This is FmL, not the government.

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3198999 - Monday 29 August 2011 15:16

Comments*... Ugh... Now I look like a fool. FML.

Aztec27 | 0

#3202985 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 3:55

You looking like a fool still got more thumbs up than they did

By azcardinals1307 | 2

#3197988 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:01

Interesting personification right there.

By enonymous | 8

#3198001 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:03

Put them on the lease and charge rent. Ant problem solved

StopDropNRoll | 11

#3198904 - Monday 29 August 2011 14:43

What if they come up with the money just to make dressing up a living hell?

By McMike10 | 1

#3198021 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:08

So you literally have ants in your pants?

yomommma | 6

#3203229 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 4:50

Pants on the ground.

By IWATCHYOUSLEEP | 7

#3198023 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:08

Are you the same person who fell asleep on their trampoline and got bitten by red ants? If so, ants really like you..

By FunnyGuy5051 | 7

#3198053 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:17

at least Ur not deadly allergic to them ( I fell out a pool and got bitten by a few ants and I had to go to the hospital )

By catnip1997 | 0

#3198060 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:18

they're ants, who cares?

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#3198143 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:43

When it's a whole colony, I care. Those bitches can be a pain in the ass!