Today, a colony of ants announced that they'd moved into my bedroom...

By ant_hater - 28/8/2011 18:18 - United States

Today, a colony of ants announced that they'd moved into my bedroom closet as I went to get dressed for work. FML

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Miscellaneous

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Tense

Doomed

By Shelling Ford - 25/8/2015 11:55 - Germany - Munich

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I said I wouldn't find her attractive in 20 years. What I actually said was that I wouldn't sleep with her mother now, who happens to be 20 years older than her. FML

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By luckygirl - 14/12/2009 09:05 - United States

Today, I was hit on by a guy who decided to use the line, "My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in." FML

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By justawallflower - 30/11/2014 02:06 - United States - Elyria

Today, my mom told me that her vagina is "as cute today as it was twenty years ago." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2018 22:15

Today, I was flirting with a guy and we ended up having a deep conversation through text. We were talking all our problems, and saying really sweet things to each other. I THOUGHT he was going to say something else really sweet and cute. He linked me to Suicide Hotline instead. FML

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By Powerfool - 7/4/2009 10:07 - United States

Today, I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom's walk-in closet. FML

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By Ellwood - 22/4/2013 00:27 - United States

Today, my mother met my sister's boyfriend for the first time. As we talked about it later over dinner she said she didn't like him. When I asked why, she paused for a second and said, "Well, he really reminds me of you." FML

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By ItchItchBaby - 9/9/2017 13:00

Today, 2 hours before a 13-hour flight, I found out I had head lice. I'm a 24-year-old woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2018 14:00

Today, I found out that while I was in the ICU for having had a life-threatening seizure, my boyfriend was out partying with other girls. His excuse was that he needed to find a new girl if I died. FML

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By doctorsandnurses - 13/1/2012 10:47 - United Kingdom

Today, after a hard day on the wards as a trainee doctor, I went home and started getting frisky with my girlfriend. All I could think about was the anatomical names for what I was touching and doing. I felt physically sick. FML

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By hihaay - 30/9/2011 18:15 - United States

Today, while on the bus, I found out the seat I'd taken was the preferred spot of a very hostile and extremely overweight freshman. Instead of letting me find different place to sit, she half sat on me, and completely ignored my attempts to dislodge myself all the way to school. FML

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By stumpy - 31/7/2019 18:00

Today, we were running late because my hair got tangled in the curtains. My mother-in-law got so angry, she hacked at it, leaving me with a bald patch, then went and sat in the car as though we were still going anywhere with her. FML

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By pyook - 6/9/2018 23:30

My Bucket

Today, my college class has a strict rule that ANY absence, even if it's because you're sick and have a doctor's note, will drop your grade a letter grade. I have a chronic illness. Today is the second time in the first two weeks that I've had to show up to class with a bucket. FML

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By Eli123 - 1/5/2009 00:52 - United States

Today, I decided to run outside. I noticed a really hot guy mowing his lawn. I ran a couple of laps past him. After a while, when I slowed down, I smiled at him, and he replied You look really hot." I thanked him, and he quickly replied, "No, I mean you're sweating a lot." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2009 12:15 - United States

Today, I found out that driving five miles an hour under the posted speed limit is "suspicious" and cause for a field sobriety test, breathalyzer, having your car searched and being handcuffed on the side of the road. FML

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By manymisfortunes - 4/10/2014 05:43 - Canada - Lachine

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have a quickie in the car. We had left a window open so it wasn't too hot, and I was holding onto the edge of the window, fingers hanging over. In the midst of it all, my boyfriend managed to close the window by hitting the button. My finger is broken. FML

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By no one - 2/6/2020 14:00

Crucial information

Today, I was at work at McDonald's, at the front counter when an elderly lady came up to me and whispered, "I just shit everywhere in your restroom," then turned around and walked out the door. FML

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By clips - 16/2/2011 21:08 - United States

Today, I was on the bus. I heard a click right before something small hit my cheek. I looked over to see the lady next to me cutting her long, dirty fingernails. The bus was too crowded to move and It was a 20 minute ride to work. FML

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By Syrinth - 21/7/2010 16:09 - Canada

Today, I got a call from my grandmother saying she locked her keys in the car and I needed to bring her the spares. After an hour bus ride, involving me missing my stop and getting temporarily lost, I arrived and handed her the keys. I brought the wrong ones. FML

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By How strange - 20/4/2013 12:02 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was in the kitchen, he got three text messages, all of which were from "Babe 2", "Babe 3", and "Babe 4". FML

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By FreeTacos_ - 28/10/2015 05:23 - United States - Pueblo

Today, I told my crush that I liked her a lot. She told me not to message her when I'm drunk. FML

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By incendiaaa - 24/2/2013 11:17 - Australia

Today, my parents told me that I'm no longer allowed to come home from boarding school on weekends because it will confuse my cats and disrupt their lives. FML

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By anonymous - 26/1/2013 08:42 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML

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By ilikecake - 29/5/2009 11:12 - United Arab Emirates

Today, it was my boyfriend's 24th birthday. His friends were throwing him a surprise party and I was in charge of getting his birthday cake. As a joke, I got it in the shape of a penis, with a graphic marzipan design. Funny, I never knew his overly-conservative parents were invited. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2012 01:34 - Canada

Today, I told a girl that she had very pretty eyes. I then had to rinse pepper spray from my own. FML

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By sochunky - 5/1/2016 22:23 - United Kingdom - Bromham

Today, someone had thrown up onto the last remaining seat on the train. Guess who accidentally sat in it. FML

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By Squeezebox - 30/8/2017 08:00 - United States - Missoula

Today, my son ruined our fairly new 60 inch smart TV by giving it a bath with his squirt gun. FML

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By Former Professor - 21/7/2019 22:00

Today, I happily went to an interview after job searching for months. I learned a large part of my job would be cleaning the toilets. Every. Single. Hour. I used to lecture at a university until budget cuts happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2014 22:46 - United States - Russell Springs

Today, I was babysitting a little girl. I let her play with a box of old Star Wars toys to keep her occupied while I quickly went to use the bathroom, and when I returned she was making the 15 or so figures have a massive orgy, sex sounds included. FML

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By Kanata - 31/8/2019 02:05

Today, my phone cut out during a call for a job interview. I tried calling them back, but there was no answer. Later, I got an email from the interviewer, saying I was no longer being considered for the position due to my being "rude and unprofessional." FML

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By pinkblankets - 19/4/2009 01:55 - United States

Today, I woke up with really dry, chapped lips. Still in bed, without my glasses on, I sleepily reached down into my purse for some chapstick and applied it. Upon awakening later I realized I had mistaken a mini Sharpie permanent marker for chapstick. I have a job interview today. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, I apologized to the cat for walking into the laundry room while he was using the litter box. FML

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By teeth - 10/8/2011 17:00 - United States

Today, my aunt had to smuggle me some regular toothpaste. Why? My mom isn't letting anyone in our house use anything but "Coral Paste." There are actually lumps of coral in it. FML

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By vibratorgirl - 8/3/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back at home. FML

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By Innocent - 28/1/2012 13:40

Today, I came home to a furious wife and an answering machine message from a woman neither of us know claiming I got her pregnant. My wife won't believe she got the wrong number. FML

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By robm - 26/7/2010 20:15 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he told me I was the love of his life. Afterwards, he clarified his statement. I was the love of his life, because I was in his life at that moment. FML

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By yollew - 25/11/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, I chipped a tooth trying to solve a Rubik's Cube. FML

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By iamnotalawyer - 26/3/2012 04:55 - United States - Glendale

Today, I found out that when people in my apartment complex warn their kids about strangers, they use me as the example. FML

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By cooldude - 1/7/2010 15:19 - United States

Today, I got called a "loser" by an old man wearing pink flip-flops and riding a purple moped. FML

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By bruisedego31 - 12/9/2012 21:58 - United States - Chicago Heights

Today, I found out there's a rumor going around that my smoking hot co-worker and I had sex over the weekend. I'm not nearly as pissed off about the rumor as I am by the fact that I can't remember it because I was too drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2015 14:24 - Spain - Zaragoza

Today, an old friend of mine landed in Spain, where he's visiting me. After a few minutes talking about where we should meet, we realized the reason he couldn't figure out where it was, was probably due to the fact that he was in Barcelona. I live in Madrid. FML

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Top comments

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3197959 - Monday 29 August 2011 8:54

"Hey dickweed, the closet, it is ours! Victory! Bow down to your ant leaders as we wear your pants foolish human"

By McMike10 | 1

#3198021 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:08

So you literally have ants in your pants?

COMMENTS

By codbloodedkill3r | 0

#3197919 - Monday 29 August 2011 8:46

Hahahaha 1st FTW

By megerz1113 | 0

#3197921 - Monday 29 August 2011 8:47

Ooh that sucks... Ants attacked me once though when I went camping and pitched a tent on their colony :P

BagleHead | 6

#3197950 - Monday 29 August 2011 8:52

At least they were cordial about it...

Ruler3000 | 17

#3199788 - Monday 29 August 2011 16:14

This. Is. ANT HILL!

KaanTech | 0

#3201337 - Monday 29 August 2011 22:02

Lets heat it up
Bring flamethrowers it seems we have a xenomorph infestation

thethingthatshou | 4

#3202318 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:32

I hope you can establish a diplomatic channel and work out peace terms

SirObvious | 1

#3202674 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 2:14

Did you not get the memo?

megerz1113 | 0

#3202756 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 2:37

Why the negative thumbs down :( just sayin I know how it feels

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3197959 - Monday 29 August 2011 8:54

"Hey dickweed, the closet, it is ours! Victory! Bow down to your ant leaders as we wear your pants foolish human"

flagg1888 | 3

#3198266 - Monday 29 August 2011 10:41

Yes I wondered about their announcement too. Did they put a full page ad out in your local paper??

Nugaot | 10

#3198414 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:12

Dude, they were talking to you? Been doing a little Wake n' Bake?

Zeek63 | 0

#3198839 - Monday 29 August 2011 14:16

You should announce that your gonna kick some ANT ASS with some RAID and fuck that shit up. Hell YA!

Ruler3000 | 17

#3199808 - Monday 29 August 2011 16:16

I for one welcome our new ant overlords.

MistaXaEro_Chris | 0

#3200449 - Monday 29 August 2011 18:52

hahaha!

HomeAl0ne | 20

#3209935 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 6:32

"Greetings from Narnia!"

By krazy_glu3 | 0

#3197962 - Monday 29 August 2011 8:55

You did wash your clothes.... Right?

SolitaryWolf | 0

#3198024 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:08

What the hell does dirty laundry have to do with ants? Ants are not attracted to unwashed clothes. Moron.

numbers878 | 8

#3198054 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:17

#10 but what if the clothes had food stains D:.

sxe_beast | 11

#3198158 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:48

What 12 said...

dd809 | 9

#3198544 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:52

Words of advice 22... Don't support idiotic comments

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3198995 - Monday 29 August 2011 15:14

Words of advice 30, Don't make retarded comment based on someone supporting something. This is FmL, not the government.

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3198999 - Monday 29 August 2011 15:16

Comments*... Ugh... Now I look like a fool. FML.

Aztec27 | 0

#3202985 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 3:55

You looking like a fool still got more thumbs up than they did

By azcardinals1307 | 2

#3197988 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:01

Interesting personification right there.

By enonymous | 8

#3198001 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:03

Put them on the lease and charge rent. Ant problem solved

StopDropNRoll | 11

#3198904 - Monday 29 August 2011 14:43

What if they come up with the money just to make dressing up a living hell?

By McMike10 | 1

#3198021 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:08

So you literally have ants in your pants?

yomommma | 6

#3203229 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 4:50

Pants on the ground.

By IWATCHYOUSLEEP | 7

#3198023 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:08

Are you the same person who fell asleep on their trampoline and got bitten by red ants? If so, ants really like you..

By FunnyGuy5051 | 7

#3198053 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:17

at least Ur not deadly allergic to them ( I fell out a pool and got bitten by a few ants and I had to go to the hospital )

By catnip1997 | 0

#3198060 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:18

they're ants, who cares?

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#3198143 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:43

When it's a whole colony, I care. Those bitches can be a pain in the ass!