Miscellaneous: Today, a colony of ants announced that they'd moved into my bedroom...

By ant_hater - United States

Today, a colony of ants announced that they'd moved into my bedroom closet as I went to get dressed for work. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dangling modifier

Good kid

But was he cute though?

By Anonymous - United States - Greensburg

Today, I had lunch with an old friend I've had a crush on for years. We're both single, so I figured it to be kind of like a date. Until he started talking about how he told his brother last night that we would never be a thing. FML

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By gofixmyhead - United Kingdom

Student life

Today, in the flat I share with four students, I broke our toaster. The night before, they'd successfully managed to toast chicken soup-covered crumpets in it whilst drunk. I tried to toast a teacake, and the whole thing exploded in flames and smoke. Our toaster got taken out by a raisin. FML

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By jcedarholm - United States - San Marcos

Today, at work, I was talking to a Scottish woman when my coworker and I both told her we were also Scottish. To this she replied, "We Scottish people get around." I then said, "Tell me about it, I'm one of four siblings from my dad, he definitely gets around." She was talking about travel. FML

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By epicc1584 - United States

Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked past a few guys who shouted out to me "You're the most beautiful girl we've seen all day". My boyfriend's response was "It's still early." FML

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By Ohgodhelpme

Today, my boyfriend bought me a vibrator for my birthday. Sounds sweet, right? Then he invited my 10/14-year-old cousins to our house. They surprised me in my room. While I was using it. FML

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3428

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By missseloit3

Today, I met a nice guy who wanted to chat. I didn't want to be the bitchy type and throw him the "I have a boyfriend" line right away, so I conversed with him. When he asked was I single I, of course, said no. He yelled at me and made a huge scene about me leading him on. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2021 20:00

Your cooking, dude

Today, I made popcorn shrimp. My dog was being a whiner so I gave her one of the shrimp. I guess she didn't like it because she hopped right back up and spat it out on my plate. FML

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362

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at my parent's house I decided to take a shower. I had to use my sister's bathroom and once out, grabbed a comb from her cupboard to brush my hair. I then noticed the clumps of hair on my shoulders. It's a razor comb on one side, regular on the other. I used the wrong side. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, I went indoor rock climbing. After finally making it to the top, my pants ripped on my last move. I wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Kettering

Today, my roommate wants to kick me out because I can't afford to pay my share of the rent this month. I couldn't afford to, because I had to pay for repairs to my car after my roommate got drunk, stole my keys, and crashed it into a street light. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cold and alone at work, so I decided to try and warm myself up on the panini toaster. As I was holding the top side open and my other hand over the hot metal, I accidentally closed the door on my hand. FML

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By AR Good - United States - Hawthorne

Today, my husband is pissed off, withholding affection, and not speaking to me. Why? I don't want to have sex with random men while he watches. FML

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By hellphone_fml

Today, someone knocked on my door. I yelled "Yeah?" while getting up, since it was locked. My grandpa walked in, as I apparently didn't actually lock it. I was naked. FML

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By Mo. - 3/10/2020 01:13 - United States

Rock and a hard place

Today, I found out my postpartum pain is indeed because of a cyst. No, my doctors can’t drain it and relive the pain because of scar tissue. And yes, it hurts around my lady bits and in my butthole, because the cyst wraps around everything. It’s either wait it out in extreme pain or surgery. FML

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1158

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By Ithoughtheywerenormalpeople - United States - Houston

Today, as I awoke, the sun was shining, the birds were tweeting, and police sirens were wailing at a drug bust next door. FML

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By Sasquatch

Today, while showering, I noticed a spider drowning in the bath. Spiders gross me out but I felt a moral duty to save it. Reluctantly, I scooped it up and carried it to safety. Then I realised it was my housemate's pubes. FML

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3657

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By Gosh Darn Phone Thief - 11/12/2020 23:02

Get 'em!

Today, somebody grabbed my phone out of my hands and ran away with it. I'm a cross country runner, albeit one with stress fractures, but I was able to catch up with them and get my phone back. Unfortunately, the running aggravated my stress fractures and I have to get a plaster cast. Merry fricking Christmas. FML

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By fail land - 2/4/2021 05:00

Come to think of it, no, you didn't

Today, some asswipe keyed a swastika into my car. Did I mention it’s a rental? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sacramento

Today, a teenage girl with a selfie stick came into my workplace. She knocked down multiple displays while trying to take pictures, before leaving without making a purchase. I had to clean it all up. FML

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By waymoreiwanted - United States - Ashland

Today, I opened up a snapchat from my best friend. I received a full and detailed view of her and her boyfriend having sex. All I wanted to know was how her Valentine's Day dinner went. FML

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56813

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By Nikki

My package

Today, I finally received the vibrator I ordered online. Too bad they labeled what the item was on the outside of the box, and my dad was the one to pick up the packages. FML

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2365

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my 11-year-old son and I were going through some old photos. He saw one of me when I was 22 on a beach, wearing a bikini. He said "Wow! Who's that?" Quite proudly I said it was me. He looked at me and said "What happened?" FML

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42088

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By mdsfkljsfsdrewr - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, less than a day after my cranky downstairs neighbor passed away, I woke up to banging sounds against his apartment ceiling, like the ones he used to make whenever I walked around during the night. I'm shitting myself in fear. FML

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49627

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By Shadyblood - Puerto Rico

Today, my drunk uncle threw my brand new iPhone 3GS into my pool, ruining it completely. When I asked him to pay for the 600 dollar replacement cost, he said he wasn't responsible for his drunken actions. All of my family members are on his side. FML

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74909

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By BasicallySodaFlavoredWater - United States - San Francisco

Today, my parents decided that the best way to save money was to dilute everything we drank with water. Only one more year of watered down soda and juice to go. FML

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22011

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cousin taught me how to make dinner. My cousin is in first grade and I'm in college. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Holland

Today, after an argument, my boyfriend called me a fart knocker and gave me a wedgie. Apparently, I'm dating an 10-year-old. FML

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4511

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2021 22:00

Told you so

Today, my wife is leaving me for the guy she told me not to worry about, who is also her ex. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2021 14:01

Selfish tit

Today, I'm running on two hours sleep thanks to our new baby. My partner slept all night, and when I asked them to take over so I could have a nap, they ran to bed, saying that they needed to sleep. Why? Apparently, the baby noise woke them up "once or twice" and they needed the extra sleep more than me. FML

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924

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I put my 4 year old daughter in the car seat, she dropped her crayon. She then paused and matter-of-factly said, "Mommy, I don't say 'f***' anymore when I drop things." FML

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27041

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By Laura_2118 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me my first compliment in months. Apparently my body spray makes me smell like a stripper. He then asked me if he could "park the beef bus in tuna town". FML

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24808

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By wimp - United States

Today, while I was in the doctors they told me that me and my son needed a shot, I went first to show my son that it wouldnt hurt and shots were not something to be afraid of. When they gave me my shot I started crying. My four year old son handles pain better than his 29 year old mom. FML

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15467

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By unitywoods - United States

Today, our entire crew team was at a yoga studio for an introductory yoga lesson. All my teammates could talk about how hot the yoga instructor was in her tight spandex while doing the sexy yoga poses. Everyone, including the coach, wanted to do her. The yoga instructor is my mom. FML

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83050

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By Pain_intolerant - Canada

Today, I caught my finger in a sliding door. It made me pass out and give myself a concussion. My genetics would rather slam my face into the floor than deal with a pinched finger. FML

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28389

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my cat died while walking around the kitchen. He had a heart attack when the toaster popped out two slices of bread. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55375

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By hatemyjob - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I answered a call at work from a very irate gentleman. After being shouted and sworn at profusely, I ended the call in a slightly less than civil manner. Turns out that guy is one of our company's biggest clients. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31035

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By raquelcita - United States - Winter Park

Today, I went to my boss with concerns that my manager is dumping her responsibilities on me. He agreed and told me to just do whatever she wants. She gets paid twice as much as me to talk on her cellphone all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13580

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By Anonymous

Feelin' sexy

Today, my wife, who NEVER wants to have sex, decided that now is the time. I, of course, had to take antibiotics that make me so bloated I can’t move without extreme pain. FML

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1484

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By Adopted

Today, my mom realized that the "door" part in "screen door" doesn't block sound when she began to talk to our neighbours about how much of a failure I am. I heard everything. FML

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14440

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By June - Canada

Today, I thought I could stay on the phone and go to the bathroom without him noticing. My mom knocks on the door and without even thinking, I yelled "I'M ON THE TOILET!" He said "ew.." FML

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Top comments

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3197959 - Monday 29 August 2011 8:54

"Hey dickweed, the closet, it is ours! Victory! Bow down to your ant leaders as we wear your pants foolish human"

By McMike10 | 1

#3198021 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:08

So you literally have ants in your pants?

COMMENTS

By codbloodedkill3r | 0

#3197919 - Monday 29 August 2011 8:46

Hahahaha 1st FTW

By megerz1113 | 0

#3197921 - Monday 29 August 2011 8:47

Ooh that sucks... Ants attacked me once though when I went camping and pitched a tent on their colony :P

BagleHead | 6

#3197950 - Monday 29 August 2011 8:52

At least they were cordial about it...

Ruler3000 | 17

#3199788 - Monday 29 August 2011 16:14

This. Is. ANT HILL!

KaanTech | 0

#3201337 - Monday 29 August 2011 22:02

Lets heat it up
Bring flamethrowers it seems we have a xenomorph infestation

thethingthatshou | 4

#3202318 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:32

I hope you can establish a diplomatic channel and work out peace terms

SirObvious | 1

#3202674 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 2:14

Did you not get the memo?

megerz1113 | 0

#3202756 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 2:37

Why the negative thumbs down :( just sayin I know how it feels

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3197959 - Monday 29 August 2011 8:54

"Hey dickweed, the closet, it is ours! Victory! Bow down to your ant leaders as we wear your pants foolish human"

flagg1888 | 3

#3198266 - Monday 29 August 2011 10:41

Yes I wondered about their announcement too. Did they put a full page ad out in your local paper??

Nugaot | 10

#3198414 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:12

Dude, they were talking to you? Been doing a little Wake n' Bake?

Zeek63 | 0

#3198839 - Monday 29 August 2011 14:16

You should announce that your gonna kick some ANT ASS with some RAID and fuck that shit up. Hell YA!

Ruler3000 | 17

#3199808 - Monday 29 August 2011 16:16

I for one welcome our new ant overlords.

MistaXaEro_Chris | 0

#3200449 - Monday 29 August 2011 18:52

hahaha!

HomeAl0ne | 20

#3209935 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 6:32

"Greetings from Narnia!"

By krazy_glu3 | 0

#3197962 - Monday 29 August 2011 8:55

You did wash your clothes.... Right?

SolitaryWolf | 0

#3198024 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:08

What the hell does dirty laundry have to do with ants? Ants are not attracted to unwashed clothes. Moron.

numbers878 | 8

#3198054 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:17

#10 but what if the clothes had food stains D:.

sxe_beast | 11

#3198158 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:48

What 12 said...

dd809 | 9

#3198544 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:52

Words of advice 22... Don't support idiotic comments

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3198995 - Monday 29 August 2011 15:14

Words of advice 30, Don't make retarded comment based on someone supporting something. This is FmL, not the government.

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3198999 - Monday 29 August 2011 15:16

Comments*... Ugh... Now I look like a fool. FML.

Aztec27 | 0

#3202985 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 3:55

You looking like a fool still got more thumbs up than they did

By azcardinals1307 | 2

#3197988 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:01

Interesting personification right there.

By enonymous | 8

#3198001 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:03

Put them on the lease and charge rent. Ant problem solved

StopDropNRoll | 11

#3198904 - Monday 29 August 2011 14:43

What if they come up with the money just to make dressing up a living hell?

By McMike10 | 1

#3198021 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:08

So you literally have ants in your pants?

yomommma | 6

#3203229 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 4:50

Pants on the ground.

By IWATCHYOUSLEEP | 7

#3198023 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:08

Are you the same person who fell asleep on their trampoline and got bitten by red ants? If so, ants really like you..

By FunnyGuy5051 | 7

#3198053 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:17

at least Ur not deadly allergic to them ( I fell out a pool and got bitten by a few ants and I had to go to the hospital )

By catnip1997 | 0

#3198060 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:18

they're ants, who cares?

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#3198143 - Monday 29 August 2011 9:43

When it's a whole colony, I care. Those bitches can be a pain in the ass!