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This ain't gonna end well

By PureFallPain - 23/11/2019 20:00

Today, I'm catfishing a guy on Twitter. I didn't mean to start it, I had an account I used to vent with, and I used a pic with a cute girl. He sent me a DM saying he liked my pic. He wanted to talk on the phone, and we have fallen for each other. He thinks I'm 18. I'm a 39 year-old single mother of 3 kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 573

You deserved it 5 736

By Blaphlafagus - 01/11/2013 01:16 - United States - Killeen

Today, I broke my tooth nearly in half. On a completely unrelated note, the Jew's Harp is my new least-favorite instrument. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 507

You deserved it 4 777

Blaphlafagus tells us more.

Blaphlafagus 19

Friday 1 November 2013 23:02

Kinda awkward that I play the saxophone as my main instrument... Ok story time, so I was sitting there in my Music Theory class just messing around because it was near the end of the period and one of my friends brought this instrument thing called a Jew's Harp or Jaw Harp. They said it plays by vibrating your teeth or something so, not thinking clearly, put it directly against my teeth and pulled the thing back really far and let it loose. I have no clue what I was thinking at the time. Luckily I'll go to the dentist on Monday and get it all nice and pretty again.

Feed me and shut up

By a fatty - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, the lady running the pastry shop asked who I buy the second pastry for every day. I lied and told her that it's for a coworker. I eat them both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 805

You deserved it 36 650

By Anonymous - 28/07/2009 18:59 - Norway

Today, I had two minutes to get to the bus stop which usually takes me eight minutes. I had to catch that bus to be at work at the hospital in time. I was in such a hurry, I didn't have the time to tie my shoe laces. I ran with untied shoe laces. I did end up in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 581

You deserved it 14 972

It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Like Shit)

By The lights will flicker on...and off... - 18/12/2022 18:00

Today, the massive snowstorm that has been mercilessly attacking my city for the past week started causing random, brief blackouts every 2-5 minutes. I'm very sick, so the last thing I need is for this house to be cold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 883

You deserved it 148

Can't be bothered

By Anonymous - 07/05/2024 20:00 - Germany

Today, I told my man that, in order to get me ready for sex within a minute whenever he wants, he only needs to relearn how to go down on me, which he used to do splendidly but has somehow forgotten. He apparently considers this too much effort and will rather keep groping me unsuccessfully. FML

I agree, your life sucks 771

You deserved it 202

By bbbeast - 28/07/2009 02:42 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad asked me if I'd started smoking, I gave him a big speech about how I never have and never will. Two hours later, he found my stash of cigarettes under my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 989

You deserved it 136 340

Cheap labor

By franzia - 25/09/2021 14:00

Today, I got broken up with, after renovating her family's apartment over the last 9 months. She even waited until I'd hung the last lights, whose shipment was delayed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 335

You deserved it 99

By LP - 16/02/2015 03:25 - United States - Madison

Today, I was at work copying some papers. The copier is below a shelf with lots of paper and signage, which suddenly flew off the hinge and hit me in the head as well as the copier. My boss ran in, asking, "Is the copier okay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 642

You deserved it 2 383

Sleepy head

By wideawakeandinpain - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache, it finally went away. I crawled into bed and snuggled up to my husband only to have him shift positions and elbow me right in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 674

You deserved it 3 253

Class act

By LoveStruck- - 10/02/2010 07:29 - United States

Today, I hung out with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. We were cuddling on the couch when he suddenly stands up. I thought he was going to hug me, but then he turned around, pinned my shoulders back so I couldn't move, and farted in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 834

You deserved it 5 753

That's not how quarantine works

By Anonymous - 07/10/2021 20:00

Today, I sat down in a hair salon. The guy getting his hair cut before me then told the girl doing the cutting that he's on a 2-week quarantine and he's not sure whether or not he's got Covid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 109

You deserved it 130

By Anonymous - 14/02/2015 02:43 - United States - Titusville

Today, I gave birth to a baby girl. Where was my husband after the agony finally ended? Standing just outside the room, flirting with a nurse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 355

You deserved it 3 544

By Brit - 16/12/2011 08:50 - Reserved

Today, two American guys attacked me for not speaking their language. I'm from England, and they said I'm speaking my own language wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 371

You deserved it 6 877

By mynameislor - 09/02/2010 14:26 - Canada

Today, my mum was saying she needs to gain weight because she was underweight according to her doctor. She then said she's going to eat like me in order to gain more weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 261

You deserved it 7 436

By carrie - 13/01/2009 06:41 - Algeria

Today, I'm a 23 year-old girl who often has to wear two pairs of socks. I don't have four feet, but I have no boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 248

You deserved it 6 574

By Yubi - 11/01/2009 15:22 - Belgium

Today, my mother told me: "If you didn't exist, I wouldn't stay with your father". So it's MY fault if she's having problems with him? FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 176

You deserved it 2 450

Twinned

By Anonymous - 11/07/2020 20:01

Today, I realized my boyfriend is a little too much like my ex, who passed away 6 years ago. Some days, it's as if I'm dating his personality doppleganger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 316

You deserved it 347

Stewart Lee has let himself go

By Anonymous - 11/10/2021 14:00

Today, my wife informed me that she hates having sex with me, and only married me because I was dark, trim, and handsome, but now I'm just gray, fat, and soon to be single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 282

You deserved it 149

Seasons gatherings

By What - 29/12/2022 00:00

Today, an old friend of my mom's yelled at me for "ignoring" her. I wasn't responding because she was getting my name wrong, so I assumed she was referring to someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 037

You deserved it 119

Not now, Dave

By randomdude3890 - 11/02/2015 04:58 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my caring way too much about proper grammar got out of hand when I corrected my girlfriend during a talk about her dying grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 348

You deserved it 38 182

You little…

By thathottchickk - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I volunteered to cater an event at school. A little girl asked for a big slice of cake so I gave it to her. She then puked everywhere and her parents blamed me and made me clean it up. The little girl sat there smiling at me while I cleaned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 735

You deserved it 3 801

By masterofblues - 24/07/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. As everything was ending, I tried to save the relationship by telling her how much I cared about her. Her response? "Please stop. You're gonna make me feel bad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 635

You deserved it 8 514

Fix up look sharp

By Nalya - 09/01/2009 03:38 - France

Today, my boss told me that we're having a big meeting tomorrow, with lots of important people. Before leaving the room he added, "Please, tomorrow, try to dress better." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 936

You deserved it 6 472

Ed Shitran

By Lucky Willis - 16/10/2021 11:00 - United States - Sebring

Today, I wrote a song for my ex-girlfriend, hoping maybe we could give it another try. I emailed it to her and went about my day, wondering if she would respond. About six hours later, a deputy knocks on my door and serves me with an order of protection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 522

You deserved it 1 727

By UghCats - 06/02/2011 01:58 - United States

Today, one of my cats peed all over the back of my couch, so I put her outside for a while. When I let her in, she ran straight to the couch and peed on my laptop. This has been going on ever since I accidentally stepped on her tail, several months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 800

You deserved it 12 159

By Anonymous - 06/02/2010 12:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I received our gas bill for about £200. My flatmate felt that this was extortionate and therefore phoned up our gas company and angrily told them to recalculate the bill. They did. We now owe £300. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 577

You deserved it 5 081

By Anonymous - 31/12/2008 01:36 - France

Today, I'm spending New Year's Eve absolutely alone. My girlfriend canceled our plans the day before so she could spend it with strangers and booze. Somehow, I still love her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 112

You deserved it 11 359

By derve - 07/11/2012 23:48 - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes for a moment and said, "You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 248

You deserved it 2 181

By torkx3 - 21/07/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, a resident went missing at our nursing home. When I found him, a man in a blue shirt and red pants, he started yelling at me in confusion. I just thought it was his alzheimers. When I brought him to my administrator, I was told the missing resident was wearing a red shirt and blue pants. Wrong guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 772

You deserved it 40 248

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The Top

Today, I was trying to remove a temporary tattoo my friend put on my cheek. When warm water and soap didn't work, I tried something else. Just so you know, Mr. Clean Magic Erasers do not, in fact, work by magic. Tell that to the massive chemical burn covering half my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 208

You deserved it 95 813

Today, I finally made out with my boyfriend. Let's just say his idea of making out is moving his tongue like a lizard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 445

You deserved it 5 151

Random

Today, I figured out why I have been feeling so drowsy and lethargic for the past week. My daughter had been slipping sleeping pills into my coffee as payback for taking her phone away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 880

You deserved it 1 750

Today, I worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend that I love her. She made a face like she'd just sucked on a lemon and said, "Um... yay, I guess...?" and awkwardly left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 368

You deserved it 3 043

Today, my dad asked me to stop calling him "dad" because it’s too weird for his girlfriend’s kids to hear, because they call him dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 268

You deserved it 2 840

Today, my parents have kept their bet going about not turning the heat on all season. I woke up this morning to it being the same temperature inside as it was outside. It's snowing out there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 566

You deserved it 2 340

Today, I announced to my boyfriend that I'm pregnant. He immediately denied that it was his because "a childhood accident" supposedly left him sterile. He has a child from a previous relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 923

You deserved it 5 885

Today, I found my dog, who had been missing for over a month, at the local pound. Clearly it was my dog, she responded to her name and cried when she saw me. However, the woman there told me I could not simply take her, I had to follow through with all policies. I paid $250 to adopt my own dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 298

You deserved it 9 902