Health: Today, a resident went missing at our nursing home. When I found... - FML

By torkx3 - United States

Today, a resident went missing at our nursing home. When I found him, a man in a blue shirt and red pants, he started yelling at me in confusion. I just thought it was his alzheimers. When I brought him to my administrator, I was told the missing resident was wearing a red shirt and blue pants. Wrong guy. FML

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Proactive

Mother of the year

And today, on Dr Phil…

By Anonymous - United States - Fishers

Today, eight tornados hit the town where I live. The only person who tried to get a hold of me and see if I was OK was my World of Warcraft guild leader after I didn't show up to raid. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 20:00

Stuck in a rut

Today, I realised my wife has been slowly phasing out most elements of our previously active and inventive sex life. These days, it's missionary once a month or she tells me to whack one off by myself in the bathroom. When did we get so boring? FML

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By perfectmoment - Canada

Today, I called my boyfriend to have a shoulder to cry on because my grandpa died. As soon as I told him, he started crying and telling me how much he missed his grandmother, who died six years ago. I spent the majority of the phone call listening to him wail. FML

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By HYRTE

Today, I returned a shirt for my mom. When the cashier asked why, I just said my mom didn't like the way it looked. After an awkward pause, I noticed the cashier was wearing the same shirt. She was not amused. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, I was trying to apply some toothpaste on my pimple to help dry it out. My mum came from behind and hugged me, making me accidentally apply minty toothpaste into my right eye instead. FML

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By fecal romance - United States - Phoenix

Today, I swallowed and nearly choked to death on the ring my boyfriend hid in my wine glass. It's still in me somewhere, and my doctor basically told me that I'll have to "keep an eye on things" if I want to find it. FML

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By badidea - United States

Today, someone nearly hit me with their car, so I flipped them the finger. They turned back around and tried to run me over. FML

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By Welp

Today, I failed my nursing clinical for, "being too nice". FML

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By damnitsam

Today, while making lunch, I passed out. After waking up in the hospital, my brother yelled at me for leaving the freezer open. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, like many other days, I fell asleep in math class. Unlike other days, however, I woke up with a start while ripping a really loud fart in my sleep. The whole class heard it because it was during a lecture. Even the teacher was laughing at me and I had to walk, no, run out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 05:00

Fixed

Today, my husband, who repairs appliances for a living, repaired our dryer. One lot of wet clothes later, it caught fire and ruined the laundry room. FML

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By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Sweden

Dad prank #9866

Today, I had to basically ground my own husband, after he tricked our 6-year-old son into getting his tongue stuck to a frozen pole. FML

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By fukingtigans - Croatia - Rupalj

Today, my business got broken into and I lost a lot of valuable equipment. Although I have 24/7 security guards, they left in the middle of the burglary because they were too scared to stop the burglars or even to call the police. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got up feeling refreshed and positive for the first time in ages, so I happily threw my window open to greet the beautiful morning. A bee flew into my eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was dumped. I ran home and cried and ranted on and on to my mother. After about 10 minutes of talking, she threw a book at my face and said, "No wonder he dumped you! You can't shut up!" FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2020 17:00

Call CPS!

Today, I discovered via my webcam that my brother believes in teaching babies to self-soothe, which in practice means ignoring my baby until she stops crying, only changing the nappy once in the 7 hours I was at work, and forgetting to feed her at all because he’s too busy watching Netflix. FML

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By Proof-Reader - United States

Today, I texted a somewhat overweight girl I wanted to hook up with and asked her "Have you been dating anyone lately?" Unfortunately with predictive text, "dating" came out as "eating". I didn't realize it till after it sent. FML

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By fmyboss

People never learn

Today, I was made fun of at work by my mom and my supervisor. I work at a kids' anti-bullying camp. FML

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By lovelife - United States

Today, I was robbed of five bucks by a vending machine that said "Enjoy Life!" FML

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By Robyn - Ireland

Today, during my second day as a receptionist, every time the phone rang I jumped in shock. My co-workers now already think I'm weird. FML

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By crushed - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend had sex with three different guys in one day. All at a party. A party that I was at. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I got a graphing calculator and my period. FML

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By thanks, cunt-o - Australia - Blackburn

Today, my friends convinced me to go out clubbing with them for the first time. "You'll get some action", they said. The only action I got was some drunk bloke staggering into me and spraying me with vomit just minutes after arriving. FML

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By kris - United States - Upland

Today, not even a week after I was laid off from my job, I got a call from my old boss. He offered me a "new" job at the company, which turned out to be just like my old one, but with drastically reduced pay. I'm so broke and desperate that I accepted. FML

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By Tony

Today, I was fired for having a haircut that was 'inappropriate for the workplace'. I have alopecia. My boss told me to stop making up excuses. FML

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By mammasboy - United States - Springfield

Today, my mom scolded me and threatened to ground me for coming home past midnight. Normally, it wouldn't be unreasonable, except for the fact that I'm 24 years old, and that my parents live with me, in my own house. FML

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By TheFriskyBadger

Today, a customer complained that her salad had "too much lettuce." Her bowl was less than half-filled with lettuce and the rest was cheese. FML

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By NinjaPanda88 - United States

Today, my girlfriend wanted to name my penis. After 5 minutes of thinking up names, she finally picked one. Say hello to Squirtle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, seconds after my mom put my yorkie onto my bed, he threw up. His head was not fully over the bed itself, so the wet chunks fell straight into my backpack onto my new school books. FML

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By JulesBlues

Today, I sat in my doctor's office and broke down, crying and shaking, with a blood pressure of 190, getting off my chest everything that has gone wrong in my life lately. To which the doctor, well into her sixties, replied, "My goodness, I've never met anyone with so many problems!" FML

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By fuck_thisshit - Australia

Today, we got our results for our final grade English paper on which I worked my butt off on, and also which I let my best-friend copy off from. I received a E- and two detentions for plagiarism. My friend got a A minus. All she said was "oh well, at least you tried your best". FML

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By so jealous - 27/4/2020 05:00

Goodbye phone

Today, I was FaceTiming a good friend of mine from back home, telling her how good she looked and how happy I was to hear from her. My insanely jealous girlfriend snatched my phone and smashed it on the ground. I was saying my friend looked good because she'd just finished chemo. FML

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By carebear1228 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got a new boyfriend. She dumped the old one because "His wife was taking too long to die." FML

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By frenchpop1960 - United States

Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house and I heard a strange sound. I laughed and said, "It sounds like a dog throwing up!" He listened for a second and said "That's my mom crying downstairs." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a man in an army uniform. As a bit of a patriot, I went up to thank him for his service. After about 10 minutes of me going on and on, he started laughing. He wasn't a soldier. FML

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By Nose Numb - United States

Today, for the first time ever, my family bought a real Christmas tree instead of using our old fake one. Today, I also found out I'm allergic to Christmas trees. My family won't get rid of it because they paid so much for it and intend to "get their money's worth". FML

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By Thomas - United States - Portsmouth

Today, my wife and I were watching Killing Kennedy. Jokingly, I said, "Spoiler alert: he dies." She threw a book at me and won't talk to me. I think she's serious. FML

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By tan disaster - United States

Today, I went to get my spray tan before my semi-formal. After I applied lotion to the bottom of my feet as instructed, I went in the booth and began to start the tanning session. I lost my balance and fell right as the machine began to spray. I look like a spotted cheetah. FML

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By gracelynn980765

Today, it was the third time in a row someone has lost a boner inside of me. FML

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By mainlaw - Ireland

Today, I found out that just because you're drunk, it doesn't make it okay to call your mother-in-law a fat slag. However, it does make it okay for your wife to knee you in the snow globes. FML

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Top comments

By videogamejunkie | 0

#417494 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:45

Methinks he's not the one who has alzheimer's.

By Emberlin | 0

#417530 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:52

I would assume he had Alzheimer's too if he was wearing red pants...

COMMENTS

By anneboleyn | 0

#417482 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:43

I hate it when I get stuff like that mixed up!

Reply

darren824 | 0

#417855 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 2:46

the real question here is...
who wears red pants with a blue shirt ?!?!

Reply

swooshq | 0

#418019 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 4:08

haha right?!

Reply

ilg4evr | 0

#418106 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 4:43

an old geezer, i suppose

Reply

picky_and_bitter | 0

#418211 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 5:35

lmao cuz thats something people get mixed up all the time. "today, an old person got lost and i brought back a different one, my bad"

Reply

_Noon_ | 0

#418589 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 9:26

#28; WIN :D

Reply

Avaquin | 0

#424305 - Friday 24 July 2009 8:05

lol, totally

Reply

FYLTHOUGH | 15

#6580839 - Friday 15 April 2016 16:35

how did he even get the old guy to come with him is what I want to know

By katelynmarie | 0

#417488 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:43

Lol, shit happens.

Reply

SpikedKnuckles | 8

#5236381 - Tuesday 11 December 2012 5:22

That's an LOL not an FML hahaha

By videogamejunkie | 0

#417494 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:45

Methinks he's not the one who has alzheimer's.

By Casualt1234 | 0

#417510 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:48

lol you oldnapper

By av232 | 0

#417521 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:51

this is more his FML, but yeah FYL too.

By Emberlin | 0

#417530 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:52

I would assume he had Alzheimer's too if he was wearing red pants...

By Aniland | 2

#417532 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:52

I LIEK BUTTZ.

By aback | 4

#417541 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:54

I think when I get old, I'll start carrying a stun gun to ward off the "helpful" people.

By elloskipper | 0

#417547 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:55

and this is why you should never underestimate old people.

By noshitsherlock | 0

#417564 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:59

LMFAO this one is hilarious