Today, a resident went missing at our nursing home. When I found... - FML

By torkx3 - 21/7/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, a resident went missing at our nursing home. When I found him, a man in a blue shirt and red pants, he started yelling at me in confusion. I just thought it was his alzheimers. When I brought him to my administrator, I was told the missing resident was wearing a red shirt and blue pants. Wrong guy. FML

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Instadrama

Incognito browsing

They're everywhere

By Missy - 19/10/2011 22:29 - Australia

Today, my parents had a fight as to which one of them is the most cultured. As a result, they've begun writing my chore lists in a variety of languages. If I don't do them, I'm grounded. I only speak English. FML

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By Anon - 7/5/2011 06:08 - United Kingdom

Today, having turned 18, I was eager to show my mother some of the clothes I'd like to purchase with my birthday money. I flipped my laptop open only to realise I had left a "Big Latina Booty gets a fat one" window open. Her howling screams of pleasure echoed through my kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2011 15:24 - United Kingdom

Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. The only way I could have gotten pregnant is from having gotten drunk and sleeping with my ex. We broke up because I didn't want children. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, at the job I've had for eight years, I finally got the raise I was supposed to get a year ago. One hour later I found out the store was closing and we were all out of a job in two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 21:34 - Netherlands - Tilburg

Today, an hour after having been turned down for sex, I walked in on my wife fingering herself to a copy of War and Peace. FML

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By kittkatt1 - 11/11/2013 01:52 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out that when you flush an animal clear of blood for research, there is a nerve inside the heart, which when you strike it right, electrical signals cause the animal to writhe as if alive. Now, my boss knows about my fear of zombies, and I'm now terrified of half my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2012 12:31 - United States

Today, I realized just how bad my 28-year-old husband's gamer rage is when I came home to a smashed TV. This is the second TV in three months that he's destroyed. FML

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By oh my dad - 13/2/2013 16:45 - United States - Florence

Today, I had to convince my dad that text lingo causes brain damage just to try to get him to stop. He actually believed me, and is telling everyone they have, or will receive brain damage soon. FML

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By talkssuck - 30/3/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with my girlfriend when her dad knocked on the clear door that leads to the room. About 5 minutes later both of her parents came in to give us the "talk" which included the first time her parents did it. In detail. FML

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By Jess56 - 6/9/2019 06:01 - United States

Fun is overrated

Today, I met the exchange student who will be living with us for a year. As we were talking, she told me that she doesn't like reading, writing, drawing, athletics, watching television or listening to music. What does she like to do during her free time? Study. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By kansasgirl - 2/3/2010 18:21 - United States

Today, my two year old decided to run out the front door alone. I ran after him, tripped over the bottom of my jeans, fell onto the sidewalk and scraped up both my hands and knees. My neighbors just watched. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2012 18:05 - Puerto Rico

Today, I was messing around in computer class, when somebody called my name from the hall. Trying to be smooth, I tried rolling my chair backwards out into the hall. The wheels wasted no time jamming and sending me crashing face-first into the floor in front of everyone. FML

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By ohgodwhyyoufreaks - 1/4/2013 11:57 - United States - Moorhead

Today, while working at a porn store, a group of six people tried to return used toys and penis pumps. Even though you can't return any items, it's still an unfortunately common occurrence. The semen in these particular toys, however, is not. All of them began shouting at me for not refunding them. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2011 12:11 - United States

Today, my new boss lost his shit and flew into a ten minute rant against me about the "value of respect". He told me that if I wanted to stay in "his" company, I'd best start toeing the line. All this because I corrected his misuse of "your" and "you're" in one of his memos. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2011 00:20 - United States

Today, eating my weight in breadsticks at Olive Garden and trying to relive my childhood via a pogo stick was not a good combination. My new shoes are now a different color. FML

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By nkotz - 14/1/2013 18:34 - United States

Today, I felt like going to the gym. I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to come with me. She screamed at me for supposedly implying that she's fat. No, I just wanted to go to the gym with someone. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2014 03:30 - United States - Crowley

Today, I found out that my boyfriend paid a guy to tell me he was dead. FML

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By webcammistake - 17/3/2009 20:51 - United States

Today, I was on a webcam with my friend. We were joking around so I stood up and flashed her. Her grandma choose that second to walk past and look at the screen. Her grandma now thinks were lesbians and that I'm a whore. FML

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By justinj360 - 22/6/2011 04:59 - United States

Today, my dad informed me that I will be staying in the bug-infested shed for the summer when I come to visit, due to his girlfriend's sewing workspace completely taking over the only room I've ever had at his house. FML

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By onemoreruinedthing - 24/1/2010 00:26 - United States

Today, my little brother learned to write his name. How did he tell the family? By writing it in permanent marker all over my 100 year old piano. FML

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By D-Man - 8/2/2012 13:08 - United States

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend got engaged to a co-worker. I got her the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2020 23:01

Fake News

Today, I’m not sure what to call it, but I think I just got COVID-SWATted when a bunch of police turned up to my house after someone told them I was partying with over 50 people, breaking social distancing. In a one-bed flat, with barely enough room for 3 people to sit down at the same time. FML

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By Damn - 6/12/2016 20:12

Today, I applied online for a position and typed, "OH&S Certificate." It autocorrected to, "OH&SHIT Certificate." I didn't notice until the site e-mailed me a copy of my completed application. They'd already received it. FML

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By Bento - 5/10/2009 05:27 - United States

Today, I had to write a huge lab for my physics class. It's worth my entire quarter grade and I use a program on a CD for graphing. My mom thought it was a computer game and hid the CD. She can't find it. The lab's due tomorrow. FML

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By Just..why - 25/3/2019 14:00

Today, I ran a mile for my gym class. While I managed to cut two minutes off my time, a few minutes later I felt dizzy and nauseous, which I thought was because I pushed myself too hard. I collapsed and vomited in front of everyone. Not a single person moved to help me. Not even the teacher. FML

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By cjgreer70 - 18/1/2014 23:09 - United States - West Linn

Today, I was told I looked like Beaker from the Muppets. After doing a side-by-side comparison, I realized it's true. FML

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By fuck your music - 16/7/2019 07:30 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I finally got tired of my neighbors constantly blaring their obnoxious rap music all hours of the day and night. Trying to be funny, I put Baby Shark on a loop and turned my speakers all the way up. They called the cops on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2019 00:01

A Different Kind of Tension

Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with once before my current boyfriend. The guy told me he has chlamydia, and I should probably get tested. I had to call my boyfriend to explain what happened and tell him to get tested. I'm meeting his family this weekend at his sister's wedding. FML

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By DeepTaccer - 30/10/2010 21:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sucking on a Tic Tac. Just as I was starting to get into it, the Tic-Tac suddenly shot down my throat. After a minute of coughing and gagging, it came back up... out my left nostril. FML

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By Still Dry - 18/8/2010 02:01 - United States

Today, I went to a water park, and the fee to get in was $39.95. Once I got in I was really thirsty, so I got a soda and then I hear over the intercom that the park is closing due to a clog in the cleaning system. I paid 43.67 for a soda. FML

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By hinowdie - 1/12/2012 10:00 - United States

Today, my mom found her CD of cats and dogs singing Christmas songs. That is what I'll be listening to until Christmas. FML

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By Justanotherwreck - 20/4/2019 16:00

Today, we had an office party. I got extremely drunk and invited my younger coworker into the bathroom to make out repeatedly. Not only did he reject me multiple times, but he also looked super traumatised and hasn’t said a word to me since. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2015 07:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, at the swimming pool, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up on my 5-year-old daughter underwater and surprise her. I grabbed her by the sides, and she shrieked. A moment later, a brown cloud erupted from her swimsuit. Cue screaming and a mass panic from the other kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend he is good at singing. Now he won't stop. FML

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By datingablonde - 11/1/2013 05:20 - Australia - Attadale

Today, I told my girlfriend that my identical twin and I are not in fact related, that he's adopted, and that the only reason we look exactly the same is because we eat and drink the same things. She actually believed it. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2015 10:34 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, while chatting with my in-laws, I told them about my upcoming spinal surgery. Soon after, when I went to get us some drinks, I overheard them murmuring about how many surgeries I've already had, how I'm a drain on the healthcare system, and how I should ideally just die. FML

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By good job bf - 11/1/2013 04:06 - United States - Southampton

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me at my grandma's funeral. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2011 20:20 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me to pick her up from jail. She'd been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

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By kimosabe - 2/3/2009 19:58 - United States

Today, at work a woman came up to the check out counter and when I greeted her she said "oh honey, you are so beautiful!" I immediately smiled and thanked her, then she looked at me and said "oh, not you." and then pointed to her ear. She was on her bluetooth. FML

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By Yippie - 2/5/2017 22:00 - Spain - Alcal? De Guadaira

Today, when I woke up, I quickly pulled the bed sheet with my right arm to get out of the bed. I failed to notice that a big portion of the sheet was pinned under my body. My arm dislocated and I fainted because of the pain. Great way to start the day. FML

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Top comments

By videogamejunkie | 0

#417494 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:45

Methinks he's not the one who has alzheimer's.

By Emberlin | 0

#417530 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:52

I would assume he had Alzheimer's too if he was wearing red pants...

COMMENTS

By anneboleyn | 0

#417482 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:43

I hate it when I get stuff like that mixed up!

Reply

darren824 | 0

#417855 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 2:46

the real question here is...
who wears red pants with a blue shirt ?!?!

Reply

swooshq | 0

#418019 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 4:08

haha right?!

Reply

ilg4evr | 0

#418106 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 4:43

an old geezer, i suppose

Reply

picky_and_bitter | 0

#418211 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 5:35

lmao cuz thats something people get mixed up all the time. "today, an old person got lost and i brought back a different one, my bad"

Reply

_Noon_ | 0

#418589 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 9:26

#28; WIN :D

Reply

Avaquin | 0

#424305 - Friday 24 July 2009 8:05

lol, totally

Reply

FYLTHOUGH | 15

#6580839 - Friday 15 April 2016 16:35

how did he even get the old guy to come with him is what I want to know

By katelynmarie | 0

#417488 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:43

Lol, shit happens.

Reply

SpikedKnuckles | 8

#5236381 - Tuesday 11 December 2012 5:22

That's an LOL not an FML hahaha

By videogamejunkie | 0

#417494 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:45

Methinks he's not the one who has alzheimer's.

By Casualt1234 | 0

#417510 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:48

lol you oldnapper

By av232 | 0

#417521 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:51

this is more his FML, but yeah FYL too.

By Emberlin | 0

#417530 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:52

I would assume he had Alzheimer's too if he was wearing red pants...

By Aniland | 2

#417532 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:52

I LIEK BUTTZ.

By aback | 4

#417541 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:54

I think when I get old, I'll start carrying a stun gun to ward off the "helpful" people.

By elloskipper | 0

#417547 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:55

and this is why you should never underestimate old people.

By noshitsherlock | 0

#417564 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 0:59

LMFAO this one is hilarious