Animals: Today, one of my cats peed all over the back of my couch, so... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 394

You deserved it 105

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 161

You deserved it 1 368

06/02/2011 01:58

Today, one of my cats peed all over the back of my couch, so I put her outside for a while. When I let her in, she ran straight to the couch and peed on my laptop. This has been going on ever since I accidentally stepped on her tail, several months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 724

You deserved it 12 111

There's no helping some people

Commando

Our house, in the middle of our street

Dingdong

By SF49 - 16/01/2013 18:26

Today, my girlfriend came back from visiting her family. She'd forgotten to take her pills, and decided to "catch up" by taking almost a week's worth of birth control and prescription pills. She's fine, but I had to convince the ER staff that she's not suicidal, just stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 798

You deserved it 3 738

28/05/2016 08:44

Today, after waiting months for an appointment with a doctor who specializes in the disease I have, I showed up at his practice, only to find the cops executing a search warrant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 359

You deserved it 1 010

29/08/2011 15:06

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came in to kiss me. Being sweaty and nasty, I said "Not now, I'm hot and sweaty." He looked at me blankly and said "So am I, just smell my ball sweat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 095

You deserved it 7 456

Karen strikes again

By Anonymous - 17/02/2021 08:01

Today, at work as a manager at pizza place, I got yelled by a customer because they got one fewer paper plates than they asked for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 703

You deserved it 91

I wanna be oppressed so bad

By Anonymous - 14/10/2021 02:00

Today, I found my 30 year-old sister-in-law's TikTok. All she posts on it is indigenous issues and goes on rants about how hard life is for her and her ancestors. She's white, but claims to be Blackfoot and "white passing." FML

I agree, your life sucks 810

You deserved it 86

The bed is lava

By for better or for farts - 06/08/2020 23:01

Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 283

You deserved it 178

22/08/2011 07:38

Today, I was upset after a fight with my husband, so I cried alone in the bedroom. My 4-year-old son then comes in and hugs me. I thought he was trying to comfort me, but he then told me he had to go get his quarter my husband had promised to pay him if he made me shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 091

You deserved it 4 360

20/05/2011 01:38

Today, I woke up face-down in my grandfather's driveway, soaking wet with no pants, glitter in my hair, and holding an empty Skippy peanut butter jar. No one will tell me what happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 273

You deserved it 22 880

Criminal Minds

By Anonymous - 18/09/2019 00:01

Today, I had to go to the ER because of a terrible allergic reaction I had to the cookies my "friend" made for me. She assured me several times that there were no nuts in them. Turns out, she put nuts in them on purpose, to see whether or not I was really allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 550

You deserved it 112

10/02/2009 01:50

Spicy

Today, I ran out of underwear and so I went into my mom's drawer to borrow a pair from her. It was then that I found out my mom uses the same vibrator as I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 257

You deserved it 42 594

21/02/2010 01:53

Today, I got stuck in my apartment's garbage chute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 993

You deserved it 32 651

Unforgettable

By Anonymous - 13/11/2020 23:02

Today, I was mistaken for an employee at my grandmother's funeral. There were only twelve of us there, all family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 953

You deserved it 50

15/05/2010 18:01

Today, I am severely hungover. Upon returning home, I came to find that both of the elevators were out of order. I live on the 12th floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 173

You deserved it 36 341

15/08/2012 16:31

Spicy

Today, I realized why it's not a good idea to sleep with your boyfriend when he still lives with his mom. She may walk in, make you get dressed, and demand what you have to say for yourself. Trust me, "Your son is good at sex" is not the right answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 907

You deserved it 39 584

01/12/2011 09:49

Today, my car was towed. After taking a cab all the way to the lot for $45 and paying the $250 fee to get my car back, my car broke down in the impound lot and needed to be towed to the nearest shop, where it took another $200 to fix, and $50 for the towing. I still have a 3 hour drive home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 072

You deserved it 3 510

22/03/2016 21:02

Today, while away on training with the army, my housemates rang me to tell me some news. They had found a perfect house for next year and they had put an offer on it. The only problem? There are 5 of us and the house is for 4. Guess who hasn't been included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 659

You deserved it 1 286

Cheers!

By imamonster1992 - 24/12/2009 23:41

Today, my boyfriend got rejected by his dream college. In an effort to comfort him, I told him that he is incredibly smart and that it's their loss. He replied, "Of course you think so, you're an idiot!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 881

You deserved it 4 957

Vandals

By Interpid traveler - 07/09/2021 05:01

Today, I was woken up by my wife calling the police because our garden had been ransacked during the night. A whole row of houses has had their plants uprooted, greenhouses broken into and garden tools stolen. The cops haven't found any leads and I feel terrible for my wife, who poured her heart and soul into that garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 485

You deserved it 58

16/07/2011 05:38

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She was so happy that she began flapping her hands around and screaming. She was flapping her hands so hard she smacked herself in the face and started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 351

You deserved it 6 069

Philosophical

By Too available to be sexy - 04/05/2019 20:00

Spicy

Today, during foreplay, my husband asked if I found him sexually attractive. When I asked him back, after a yes, he was silent for two minutes then went into a ten-minute philosophical discussion on the nature of attractiveness. He would find me more attractive if I wasn't his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 504

You deserved it 298

02/10/2015 00:45

Today, my pain-in-the-ass co-worker is finally leaving. Unfortunately, I was chosen to do the bulk of her job. She has given me no training and on her last day, just smirked at me on her way out and say, "Enjoy doing my job too, fucker". I don't get paid enough for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 782

You deserved it 1 879

06/02/2012 05:35

Today, the girl I have a crush on texted me to go out tonight. When I got to her house, she peered at me quizzically and asked, "What do you want? Did I text you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 095

You deserved it 2 438

20/06/2015 14:03

Today, I went to a job interview, and my father in law's house. As soon as I got home I went to the bathroom and noticed my bloody pantyliner had fallen out at one of these places. I don't know which one is worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 582

You deserved it 2 804

28/02/2011 10:55

Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 634

You deserved it 9 309

13/05/2009 00:23

Today, I gave my 16 year old step daughter and her friends a lecture on respecting other people's privacy. Two hours later, I accidentally walked into her room without knocking. She and her friends were giving each other bikini waxes. Now her friends call me the hypocritical pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 513

You deserved it 80 004

21/09/2016 07:17

Today, my fiancé, my two-year-old, and my dog are all sleeping peacefully next to me in our new king-sized memory foam bed. It's 2:15 in the morning. Why am I not sleeping? Because they all snore, one right after the other. It's like an endless song of snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 143

You deserved it 1 198

14/11/2010 00:45

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were lying in her bed. We fooled around and were about to have sex as she suddenly began to cry without any reason. She cried for 30 minutes until I finally managed to calm her down. She said there was no reason for her crying. Then she fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 013

You deserved it 5 065

02/06/2016 10:20

Today, due to me not looking, I accidentally bit an apple made of styrofoam that was meant to be a part of a display on the kitchen table. My roommates were there and me not wanting to embarrass myself by putting it back, I walked out, apple in hand, to throw it away elsewhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 679

You deserved it 2 543

Don't bring your lovelife into the workplace

By Anonymous - 28/06/2021 04:01

Spicy

Today, and for a while, we've known our coworker was cheating on her husband. The issue is it's affecting everyone at work, even my boss doesn't know what to do. Can't fire her, because we have no one to replace her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 940

You deserved it 186

30/06/2014 21:06

Today, my husband came clean to having an affair with my sister. I later found out my other sister encouraged the affair because she thought they'd be a cute couple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 633

You deserved it 4 388

06/03/2014 16:24

Today, I thought I'd finally finished the special project my boss gave me of changing the eligibility details on several hundred loans. My coworker later pointed out that the document was the same as it had been hours before, and that the changes I made hadn't saved at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 359

You deserved it 7 419

13/06/2014 22:06

Today, at my mother's open-casket funeral, my sister-in-law went to pay her respects. As she stood in front of the body, she coughed, muttering "bitch" in the process. Either nobody else noticed or nobody cared, and she went on her way, noticeably not choked up at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 304

You deserved it 4 344

26/03/2014 23:45

Today, my teacher told us at least 7 different stories about his cat, Jeremy, and how much he eats. And he wonders why we never get anything done in his class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 025

You deserved it 3 542

04/06/2012 20:37

Today, I desperately needed to pee, but my mom was in the bathroom taking a shower, so I waited patiently until she finished. Just as I was about to go in, my half-naked dad rushed ahead, said "Going somewhere, son?" and shut the door on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 608

You deserved it 2 740

26/08/2013 00:10

Today, I almost got run over on my bike by a truck who raced through a red light. After narrowly avoiding a collision, the car slowed down. Instead of apologizing for almost killing me, the driver stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "Nice ass!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 113

You deserved it 3 617

01/03/2019 20:00

Today, I realised that the only thing that's got fucked since I started uni is my sleep cycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 924

You deserved it 354

Scared shitless

By Anonymous - 26/06/2009 05:23

Today, I stayed after hours studying in the medical library. I was the only one left, and as I was leaving through the glass doors, I saw a person's reflection behind me. I screamed, jumped, fell into the doors, smashing my head. I'd actually seen the reflection of a medical demonstration dummy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 908

You deserved it 11 964

31/03/2015 02:50

Today, I had to explain to someone that all beverages, except plain water, actually have calories. They weren't too happy that their milkshake diet was over before it began. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 895

You deserved it 2 361

01/07/2009 17:04

Today, it was boiling hot so my boyfriend and I decided to sunbathe in the garden and ended up falling asleep for a few hours. Not only is my back so burnt that I can't lie down, I also have a white hand print on my upper back where my boyfriend had left his arm while we slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 646

You deserved it 45 563

16/08/2009 04:35

Today, I'm having my housewarming party and had prepared food, drink and games for all the 19 confirmed guests on Facebook. I waited till 11 but nobody showed up. I checked Facebook again and realized I had accidentally put tomorrow as the party date. I have to work the whole day tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 565

You deserved it 51 767

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Sunday 6 February 2011 9:27

my cat did this for a while, on all of my things, turns out she had a bladder infection, and it's her way of telling you there's something wrong.. take it to the vet

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Sunday 6 February 2011 9:30

Smart cat. You should have apologized.

Comments

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Sunday 6 February 2011 9:25

Morale of the story; treat your pet with respect

Perksofbeingawal 0

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Sunday 6 February 2011 10:04

Karma's a bitch. ;/ unless it was an accident. Cats annoy the hell out of me anyways so I don't really care; but still...

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Sunday 6 February 2011 10:08

(((o(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)o))) Get a dog!

yuggi1 11

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Sunday 6 February 2011 10:37

Respect? OP respects her cat too much already. If I was her that cat would be outside months ago.

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Sunday 6 February 2011 10:49

throw this cat out and get a new one.. there are tons free ones!

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Sunday 6 February 2011 11:00

She does... Note the accidentally stepped on tail.

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Sunday 6 February 2011 11:55

Well I think you should *accidentally* kick the cats ass

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Sunday 6 February 2011 12:09

Morale of the story is at an all time low.

deaper 15

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Sunday 6 February 2011 13:53

moral of the comment thread: Get a dictionary and look up the difference between moral and morale and learn to spell!

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Sunday 6 February 2011 17:44

solution. shoot it

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Sunday 6 February 2011 18:31

Thats why you get a dog, cats are unforgiving assholes

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Monday 7 February 2011 3:38

use .223 its cheaper

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Monday 7 February 2011 11:03

69 maybe iPod automatically spell checks it to morale instead of moral???

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Friday 16 May 2014 3:17

You dont own a house pet do you? If you have a pet that hangs around your feet, you step on them everyonce in awhile

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Sunday 6 February 2011 9:26

YDI !

CoconutMuffin 5

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Sunday 6 February 2011 18:19

How...? Can you read? She accidently stepped on the cats tail. Why would OP deserve that? I mean, yes, OP deserves it if she dosn't give it away or something after this, but you can't blame OP for having a messed up cat if you know what I mean.

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Sunday 6 February 2011 21:28

op should of watched where she was walking. op's cat is just getting revenge.

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Tuesday 8 February 2011 8:28

Oh, please, #112. Don't give me that crap. I am so sorry to tell you but humans aren't perfect and sometimes trip over things. Cats and dogs tend to get in your walking path as well a lot; I have a cat and a dog and I constantly have to stop and start because they always get into my way.

GoingCommando93 14

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Friday 30 September 2011 17:18

Wow. 122 you're a moron. My sisters puppy runs in-between the legs of everyone in the house, causing them to trip and almost break a hip. Same with my old cats. This is not a ydi at all. The cat is just fucking stupid, that's why I don't have any anymore

CandyPewPewPew 29

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Sunday 1 June 2014 8:19

#2, you do know that there is a button for "you deserved it" right? or are you just too dumb to even know that? I can see why u voted wrongly too.

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Sunday 6 February 2011 9:27

my cat did this for a while, on all of my things, turns out she had a bladder infection, and it's her way of telling you there's something wrong.. take it to the vet

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Sunday 6 February 2011 11:12

Right...

CoconutMuffin 5

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Sunday 6 February 2011 18:21

54- Don't judge, how would you know? Unless you are the cat guru or something...

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Monday 7 February 2011 9:23

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Monday 15 August 2011 4:31

Your kidding me right? How would you like it Implying you have a dog If I said oh yeah your dog has a bladder infection take it to the vet and put it down ydi for having a dog. Your stupid and cruel

Topasofmagic 17

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Monday 23 December 2013 12:46

I'm no fan of cats either, 139. In fact, I'm actually a bit afraid of them, but to tell someone to kill their pet, no matter what species, is cruel and mean. >:(

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Sunday 6 February 2011 9:29

cat got your tongue? haha

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Sunday 6 February 2011 16:27

best profile pic ever!!!!

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Sunday 6 February 2011 19:29

I agree that's funny and I don't even like Obama that much good profile pic haha

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Sunday 6 February 2011 9:30

Smart cat. You should have apologized.

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Sunday 6 February 2011 9:33

how does one apologize to a cat? "hey, i'm sorry for that time a few months ba--" *whizzzzzzzzzzzz* |the kid|

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Sunday 6 February 2011 11:04

Why yes, something like that. With a big yummie fish on the side. The cat will forgive OP then.

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Sunday 6 February 2011 11:54

it's true I have to apologize to my cat when I step on it's tail or it does terrible, terrible things

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Sunday 6 February 2011 11:59

If it doesn't work, bribe it. Ball of yarn would be you eat bid. It's like giving Snookie tan lotion.

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Sunday 6 February 2011 9:33

how would you like it if someone stepped on your tail? hmmm? that's what I thought.

CoconutMuffin 5

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Sunday 6 February 2011 18:23

I'd get the fuck over it after a couple of minuets.

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Sunday 6 February 2011 20:19

Some cats are into that shit!

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Sunday 6 February 2011 9:33

how come some of my comments dont get posted

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Sunday 6 February 2011 9:37

^^Fail

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Sunday 6 February 2011 10:17

how is that a fail??? or do you mean that you fail to understand my q, I tried posting a comment before that one, and it never showed up... it was quite funny too, so you guys are missing out

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Sunday 6 February 2011 10:19

see like right now I tried posting a reply and it never showed up.. hmmm

onecutechick101 0

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Sunday 6 February 2011 9:36

I can see why the cat would be pissed! first you step on her tail. second you stick her outside. take better care of your pussy!!

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Sunday 6 February 2011 10:06

Lol, pissed

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Sunday 6 February 2011 9:46

yes definitely

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Sunday 6 February 2011 9:48

Get rid of the cat.