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No. Just… No.

By none - 22/08/2013 04:27 - United States - San Antonio

Spicy

Today, I had sex. The guy texted me an hour later, saying, "That was awkward. Let's not do that again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 439

You deserved it 8 845

By Anonymous - 08/08/2013 21:18 - United States

Today, I ran into my shitlord of an ex at the store. He took one look at me, yelled, "You cheating bitch!" in a wounded voice, then walked away, fake-crying. I got so many dirty looks. The worst part is that I dumped him last month for cheating on me with my "best friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 822

You deserved it 3 794

By chill - 17/12/2009 22:08 - United States

Today, my grandpa sent me a letter apologizing for not congratulating me about my graduation last spring. Too bad I don't graduate until May. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 646

You deserved it 4 293

By JennyAndrews - 05/12/2009 08:44 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I was texting this cute guy that I like. After a couple of minutes I get a missed call from him, I call back and his girlfriend answers and says "Hi this is his girlfriend, please stop calling him". FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 185

You deserved it 31 143

By hell - 14/11/2015 21:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got called into work on my day off. I ended up being written up for being 15 minutes late to a shift I didn't even have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 927

You deserved it 1 811

No beer for you

By PerfectVision - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Long Beach

Today, I had to decline the sale of alcohol to a man who reeked of booze and was practically falling asleep at my till. He tried to convince me that he wasn't drunk, he was just blind. Still refusing to sell him the beer, he started yelling at me, accusing me of "being racist against the 'blinds'". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 438

You deserved it 3 300

By hakura madada - 22/06/2012 19:41 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I mistook my dog's head for the gear shift while tearing down the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 259

You deserved it 27 649

By Anonymous - 01/06/2013 20:50 - United States

Today, wanting to do something nice for my dad, I mowed the lawn. He grounded me for "emasculating" him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 073

You deserved it 4 419

Matching

By Clunker - 24/10/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, as I was driving with my boyfriend, he pointed out what a crappy car I drive. About how the locks don't work, the vents are broken, the windshield wipers are busted, my headlights aren't bright, and a hubcap is missing. Then he said I’m a good match for my car, 'cos we have the same “personality". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 978

You deserved it 3 982

By wahwah - 23/10/2009 06:51 - United States

Today, I had to complete a project for my course in Italian. We had to write a little paragraph about a friend. I had to make one up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 222

You deserved it 6 279

By Anonymous - 09/08/2015 00:03 - United Kingdom - Clevedon

Today, I realised that my closeted gay friend has dated more women this year than I have in my 28 years of life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 293

You deserved it 2 777

By Anonymous - 06/06/2011 13:13 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I discovered my mother went into the local pub where I work part time, got very drunk, and flashed her boobs at everyone. I found out when a picture was posted on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 081

You deserved it 3 264

By nutsucker - 08/03/2009 19:08 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 7 year-old girl and we were eating chocolate covered nuts. She kept on chewing the nuts and wondered where the chocolate was. I told her to taste the chocolate you suck on the nuts. Then her parents came home and the first thing she said was, "I learned how to suck nuts!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 560

You deserved it 10 872

By monsterinlaw - 21/01/2014 06:25 - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that even after three years, my boyfriend's mother replies, "Unfortunately" when asked if we are still together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 605

You deserved it 4 158

By Anonymous - 15/04/2011 00:53 - Canada

Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 625

You deserved it 36 104

By lalalee - 18/02/2009 22:59 - United States

Today, my father came back from a business trip in Canada. He handed me an "I Love Canada" pen. He brought back an Xbox 360 for my younger brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 162

You deserved it 3 361

By Anonymous - 20/04/2015 14:45 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I had a theatre performance. I had to put on a lot of makeup for the role, and one of the guys said I looked nice. I smiled and said thanks. Seconds later, I'd been sucker-punched by his girlfriend for "flirting" with her man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 452

You deserved it 2 246

By Anonymous - 07/03/2015 20:14 - United States - Columbia City

Today, a dog bit me, tearing a hole through my sweatpants, my shorts, and my underwear, all to get at the dog treat I'd hidden in my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 466

You deserved it 9 345

Good job!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer asked me to give 5 adjectives describing myself. I listed 7. The last one being "listener." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 259

You deserved it 37 932

Noise annoys

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Canada - Montréal

Today, I finally found out why my graphics card in my PC had been overheating recently. My brother disconnected the card's fan because it was too loud when he was gaming. I guess I can always spend another $750. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 685

You deserved it 1 953

By Anonymous - 04/01/2010 07:01 - United States

Today, I realized that getting an awesome new phone with all the new bells and whistles doesn't mean that people will now actually want to talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 043

You deserved it 27 398

Pleasant

By daddydaughterWTF - 02/08/2012 00:06 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, after spending five years regaining contact with my estranged father, I finally met him. I tearfully dropped my luggage and ran to hug him. He belched and told me to get in the car, because he had diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 614

You deserved it 2 648

By blueheron93 - 13/11/2010 14:25 - Germany

Today, I realized that the only boy who ever called me pretty was my 5-year-old brother. My sister then scolded him for lying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 274

You deserved it 3 085

By Anonymous - 04/05/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, I went downtown to pay my speeding ticket. After standing in line and arguing with a rude woman behind the desk, I get back to my car only to find an expired meter and a parking ticket. I got a ticket while paying my ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 082

You deserved it 17 871

By June - 05/10/2010 04:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my love handles. It tickled, so I giggled and squirmed out of his grip. He looked at me quizzically and said, "I'm surprised you still have feeling there with all that fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 928

You deserved it 8 850

By FootInMouth - 01/10/2009 13:19 - Australia

Today, I walked into my brother's house to see him unshaven and still in pyjamas eating ice-cream straight from the tub. I said jokingly, "You're lucky you have your wife, no one else could love you." His wife had just told him she was leaving him for her orthodontist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 395

You deserved it 14 245

So_Yeah tells us more.

So_Yeah 0

Thursday 1 October 2009 23:30

OP, mhm, actually. Me and my brothers joke around like that all the time, we're close enough to mess with each other and not let it bother us. And his wife (uhm, soon to be ex), I always thought, was one of the sweetest people in the world, so I never expected this. Yus, my foot is firmly in my mouth, and Imma leave it there a while so I don't say anything else stupid any time soon -.-

By robbedonCTA - 22/09/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, I felt a tug on my backpack and found my wallet missing. A nice stranger pointed to a guy running down the stairs and said "There goes the guy who took your wallet!" I ran to catch the supposed offender. The 'nice' stranger was the actual offender distracting me as he got away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 139

You deserved it 7 716

Shifty character

By bev_rogan - 21/06/2015 10:16 - United States - New Castle

Today, I took a nap. My boyfriend took this opportunity to go over to his "beautiful" and "amazing" ex-girlfriend's house to help her clean out her pool. I told him I didn't think that was appropriate. He told me I don't value relationships and didn't come home tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 113

You deserved it 2 656

By Igor - 19/12/2012 05:16 - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have a very uncomfortable cyst in my armpit and a sprained ankle both on my right side, resulting in me limping and keeping my arm awkwardly plastered to my side. My fiancé keeps walking like me and calling me Igor, saying "Yes, Master" whenever I ask him for something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 367

You deserved it 4 104

Stranger danger

By soul0eater - 12/03/2011 07:18 - Saudi Arabia

Today, I was at the mall and I saw a kid crying. I asked her "What's wrong sweetie, are you lost?" She ran away screaming "Help me!" I ended up having to explain to a dumb mall cop that I'm not a perv. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 414

You deserved it 3 879

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The Top

Today, while on my honeymoon with my new wife, I tried to be romantic by installing a clapper to the lights in our room. As things progressed, the noise of our love making triggered the lights on and off repeatedly. She began to laugh and we ended up just calling it an early night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 429

You deserved it 14 028

Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 884

You deserved it 804 301

Random

Today, she did it again. While I was minding my own business reading the paper, she casually walked up to me and slashed my face with her nails, drawing blood and screams of pain. I need to get out of this abusive relationship, but no one will adopt my asshole of a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 696

You deserved it 8 744

Today, my dad got drunk and asked if I had inherited his "abnormally tiny penis." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 478

You deserved it 3 823

Today, a little girl asked me how I could be so fat and still have small boobs. Great question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 653

You deserved it 8 150

Today, my five year-old niece thought that it would be acceptable to carve her artwork all over our toilet seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 417

You deserved it 177

Today, I bought my very first car. My dad insisted on driving it, just to see how it handles, and drove it right off the bridge near our house into our river because he hasn’t driven anything in 15 years, which also means he has no insurance, at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 901

You deserved it 459

Today, I told my boyfriend I was getting him the “best surprise ever” for our anniversary. It turns out that we'd had the exact same idea, and bought each other the same pair of matching socks with each other's faces on them. I guess we both got the same damn ad in our Instagram feeds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 130

You deserved it 451