Today, I ran into my shitlord of an ex at the store. He took... - FML

By Anonymous - 8/8/2013 21:18 - United States

Today, I ran into my shitlord of an ex at the store. He took one look at me, yelled "You cheating bitch!" in a wounded voice, then walked away, fake-crying. I got so many dirty looks. The worst part is that I dumped him last month for cheating on me with my "best friend." FML

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That'll be Kevin in accounting

This is fine

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2011 10:34 - United States

Today, I asked my dad what his plans for Friday were. Apparently, he's going to a concert with my step-mom all evening. It's been their plan for months. Friday is my birthday. That's been set since the day I was born. FML

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By Noname - 2/3/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, I went to Tiffany's to exchange a bracelet my boyfriend had given me for our year anniversary. It was the first gift that he actually spent money on me for. The sales lady then told me that the bracelet was not a real Tiffany's item. FML

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By fml9124 - 22/10/2020 02:00 - United States

Mixology

Today, my wife is out of town on business. So I got drunk. Really drunk. Felt like swimming around midnight (we live in Arizona). Jumped in the pool… and forget how to swim. Too uncoordinated, I almost drowned. Then I threw up in the pool. FML

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By independant - 8/11/2018 08:30 - United States - Corvallis

Today, my son turned 18. He now calls me by my first name instead of "dad" and refuses to stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2012 16:20 - United States - Palmdale

Today, my boyfriend of several years, and father of our one-year-old child, finally proposed. He was making idle conversation from twenty feet away and casually said, "By the way, you wanna get hitched?" This is as romantic as my life will ever get. Yay. FML

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By sexlube - 1/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Kirkland

Hand sanitizer

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

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By Cow lover - 12/10/2016 14:13 - United States - Schenectady

Today, my girlfriend of five months told me that she had booked us reservations to our town's Halloween barbecue party. When I reminded her that I'm vegan, she told me she specifically got the reservations to help me to quit my "stupid fad". Weird, I never knew being a devout Hindu was a fad. FML

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By Anon - 28/12/2012 08:14 - United States - Southbury

Today, I was racing my friends to the car for shotgun in the parking lot at night. I opened the passenger door of the car to find an old lady staring at me. It was the wrong car. FML

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By IhatebeingtheDD - 15/10/2010 14:08 - United States

Today, I was the designated driver for my friend's 21st birthday. On the way home from the bar, he threw up all the pasta and tequila he'd had onto the back seat of my car, and told me it was part of his whole party plan. FML

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By JustMarried - 7/5/2016 21:47 - Ukraine

Today, my wife wanted to have a threesome. During our honeymoon. With the maid of honor. I didn't sign up for this. FML

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By FuckedByLife - 12/2/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom - Bridgend

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend of two years was cheating on me. How? His other girlfriend crashed her car into mine and had him pick her up. FML

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By disappointed - 1/7/2016 03:31 - United States - Rockville

Today, my eldest daughter told me about the sharp pains she's been having for the past couple of days. She also told me how she thinks it's really pointy carrots trying to escape her body. She's 11, and going to middle school. FML

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By Boulette - 23/6/2014 05:44 - France - Dammartin-en-go?le

Today, I was on vacation, when a very cute guy starting talking to me and asked me what my name was. Overwhelmed and stressed out, I blurted out that I didn't have one. FML

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By AnDroidZ_BabY - 11/9/2011 04:47 - United States

Today, my mom and I had a fight in the car over who farted. The result? She wanted to smell my underwear when we got home, to prove it was me. FML

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By kimosabe - 2/3/2009 19:58 - United States

Today, at work a woman came up to the check out counter and when I greeted her she said "oh honey, you are so beautiful!" I immediately smiled and thanked her, then she looked at me and said "oh, not you." and then pointed to her ear. She was on her bluetooth. FML

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By Awkward - 14/4/2016 00:29 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I was caller number nine on the radio, meaning I technically won the contest. I was too awkward, so they hung up on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2018 06:00

Today, I was engaged in intercourse with my fiancée when her dog decided take a loud dump in front of the fan that was pointed at us. Needless to say, intercourse ended very abruptly. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2009 17:15 - United States

Today, my friend told me that he was having a scrabble tournament at his house with a bunch of our friends. I told my dad about the tournament and he gave me a special scrabble dictionary to bring. Hesitantly, I brought the dictionary and as I walked in everyone was playing beer pong. FML

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By varunet2004 - 11/6/2015 19:50 - India

Today, I confronted my boss for his inadequate contribution in our work. He accepted his inadequacy and apologized for not doing enough. He now expects me to work on everything singlehandedly since he has already clarified his inadequacy. FML

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By No name - 18/12/2008 04:43 - Australia

Today, on a thirty minute commute to a job interview, I felt the urge to pee. When I got there, I politely asked the receptionist where the toilets were, and she told me to wait for someone to come show me. After another thirty minutes, someone turned up; the HR manager. FML

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By Brandon - 9/5/2016 02:56 - United States - Springfield

Today, my wife cancelled on our date we had planned for over a month. It would have been our first one-on-one date since the birth of our first child. Our child is over 13 months old. FML

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By Whatthe - 18/4/2017 20:00

Today, I walked into a bathroom to find a dad telling his kids not play with the pee in the urinals. FML

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By JRLJLS - 15/4/2013 09:09 - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, I had phone sex with my boyfriend. He had an asthma attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2012 04:26 - United States

Today, there was a mandatory staff-wide "cleaning party" for a corporate inspection. I was assigned the outside bar which is infested with full-grown roaches with wings. FML

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By thompson773 - 20/4/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, I was sick on an airplane. As we were taking off, I felt like I was ready to hurl. I was sitting in the window seat and was unable to get up in time to go to the bathroom so I was forced to grab the nearest container to puke in. It was a glass of juice belonging to the woman next to me. FML

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By Insanity - 9/4/2015 05:28 - France - La Poste

Today, I managed to get my 4-year-old son to agree that, "cigarettes are poop." I was a lot less proud of myself when he pointed at a 6-foot bodybuilder-type dude in the subway and yelled, "That man smells of pooooooop." FML

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By awwshit - 13/10/2009 14:13 - Canada

Today, I told the man I've been in love with for 3 years, who also happens to be my boss, how I felt. He responds by filing sexual harassment charges against me. FML

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By Becoming a commuter. - 4/9/2012 17:14 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I moved into college and met my new roommate. Not fifteen minutes later, she had told me about the fungus on her feet, and what happens when she forgets to take her anti-psychotic medication, all while picking at her nose and eating the spoils. FML

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By sandwhiched - 1/1/2015 08:52 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went on a road trip with my boyfriend and his best friend. What I thought was going to be a great, fun time ended up with me alone in a car with two large men who wouldn't stop farting for 14 hours. FML

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By rainbows? more like shitstorms - 17/8/2012 00:22 - United States

Today, I was suntanning outside, when I had a bout of nausea. I rushed to the toilet, hoping at all costs to just dry-heave it away. When I lifted the lid, I was faced with two of the most rancid floaters I've ever seen, courtesy of my live-in gran. Well, my stomach's empty now. FML

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By abbyleigh08 - 17/2/2009 07:01 - United States

Today, I told my mom I want to try out for American Idol. She responded with, "You don't take disappointment well." FML

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By NoWedding - 10/2/2009 22:30 - United States

Today, I made a joke about having a wedding to my mom and she told me not to joke about something that will probably never happen. FML

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By isystuff - 1/2/2011 05:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and left me crying in the street. I then got a text from my mom saying how pathetic my love life was. Apparently, it was a mass text message and she accidentally added me to the list. FML

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By musicaddict - 10/3/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, the cute boy in my biology class I had been crushing on invited me over to study for a huge test. Once I got to his house, I really had to use the bathroom. I ended ending up taking a huge dump and clogging up his toilet. He had to come plunge it for me. FML

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By IcyWindows - 1/4/2014 02:03 - United States - Syracuse

Today, my neighbor yelled at me because, according to him, the sound of me scraping the ice off my windshield wakes him up every morning. This is the same neighbor who ran over my mailbox last week because there was too much snow on his windows to see properly. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2017 09:00 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of birds chirping, had a wonderful cup of coffee, and found my son throwing up rubbing alcohol in the bathroom. FML

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By Ben - 21/8/2009 21:28 - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter somehow learned about sex. She also had the open house at her school where she meets her new teachers. When the teacher asked where she came from, she said, "My daddy's happy sacks." FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 06:24 - France

Today, and ever since I was born, I've had a lazy eye. This morning my boyfriend broke up with me. He thought it was funny to state that we just weren't looking at life in the same way. FML

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By whyme_ss - 20/7/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I went on a rollercoaster for the first time. I sat in the back, which was a bad idea. When it ended everyone in front of me turned around and stared. When I asked my friend what was going on, she said I had been screaming the Lord's Prayer the whole time. I hadn't even noticed. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2009 06:30 - Canada

Today, I invited my boss and his family over for dinner. As usual, I bought his kids Christmas' presents, nothing too fancy though. This year, he had one more that wasn't here last year. So I just pulled something from under the tree to hand him. He opened it on the spot. It was my son's PS3. FML

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Top comments

By cheezball63 | 8

#5619527 - Friday 9 August 2013 5:29

Damn that's cold

By ninjala | 10

#5619535 - Friday 9 August 2013 5:30

Shitlord. I can't get over that title.

COMMENTS

By cheezball63 | 8

#5619527 - Friday 9 August 2013 5:29

Damn that's cold

Reply

cristy91 | 33

#5619595 - Friday 9 August 2013 5:48

Definitely cold as ice. He was even willing to sacrifice their love!

Reply

ElementaryEdGuy | 18

#5619609 - Friday 9 August 2013 5:55

Well, since the store already hates her, she could've gone off on a "your peepee is too small; I had to go elsewhere" tangent and she would be the cold one.

Reply

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5619661 - Friday 9 August 2013 6:22

What's cold is it was snowing in the frozen sextion while op was eating ice cream

Reply

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5619664 - Friday 9 August 2013 6:24

No spelling mistakes in that comment. Try to get the reference

Reply

iBanana | 17

#5619690 - Friday 9 August 2013 6:36

Does anyone else just LOVE OP's insult "shitlord?" Not being sarcastic at all. Shitlord. The ruler of all things shitty. How original!

Reply

Krystal3408 | 32

#5619929 - Friday 9 August 2013 11:38

Well you're looking for original insults, huh

Reply

Soloman212 | 28

#5620560 - Saturday 10 August 2013 0:15

I think shitpeasant is a tad more insulting, but it doesn't have the same ring to it.

By ZombieInConverse | 13

#5619531 - Friday 9 August 2013 5:30

well, he's an asshole.

Reply

webbface | 25

#5619697 - Friday 9 August 2013 6:38

I would not know what I would have done if that happened to me! That sucks OP! I probably would have just stood there frozen! Why would anyone do that especially if he cheated?!

Reply

sarah1029_fml | 7

#5620017 - Friday 9 August 2013 13:43

I believe the correct term is "shitlord"

Reply

PhishloverA | 14

#5629984 - Friday 16 August 2013 9:11

No he's a shitlord!

By slayertack | 19

#5619533 - Friday 9 August 2013 5:30

Don't let it get to you, it's not like you'll be seeing any of them again.

Reply

RevenVx | 16

#5620385 - Friday 9 August 2013 20:56

Unless she lives in a small town where everybody knows everybody.

By kthsdm | 12

#5619534 - Friday 9 August 2013 5:30

FYL op! Just ignore him

By ninjala | 10

#5619535 - Friday 9 August 2013 5:30

Shitlord. I can't get over that title.

Reply

Narcoterrorist | 6

#5619554 - Friday 9 August 2013 5:35

Shitbaron.

Reply

UnluckyGenius | 21

#5619637 - Friday 9 August 2013 6:09

Shitperor

Reply

cottoncandymango | 17

#5619755 - Friday 9 August 2013 7:32

I would like to thank OP for using the term "shitlord". I will be using this for any future situation that may be necessary.

Reply

bunny911 | 16

#5619762 - Friday 9 August 2013 7:45

As will I, 34, as will I.

Reply

Llama_Face89 | 33

#5619776 - Friday 9 August 2013 8:00

Kakhan?

Reply

MagicMike1496 | 6

#5620263 - Friday 9 August 2013 19:35

Haha I had to read it twice because I couldn't help but laugh when I read the word shitlord. I didn't even know it was a word.

Reply

Soloman212 | 28

#5620561 - Saturday 10 August 2013 0:16

(Psst... It's not.)

Reply

iedsrduan | 18

#5621154 - Saturday 10 August 2013 9:24

59, the fact that someone uses a word doesn't mean it's officially accepted as one.

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5619545 - Friday 9 August 2013 5:33

Maybe he just still resents you for that time you cheated on Monopoly. He should know what cheating means.

By badluckross | 21

#5619547 - Friday 9 August 2013 5:33

That's when you shout back "I only did it because you forced me to when you snorted your stupid cocaine, I begged you not to"

By Michael_92 | 20

#5619548 - Friday 9 August 2013 5:33

Well at least you know he is a fucktard and that you are much better off now.

Reply

Spider_Web | 11

#5619588 - Friday 9 August 2013 5:45

*shitlord

By mulumequitem | 6

#5619559 - Friday 9 August 2013 5:36

He sounds like a genius

By olpally | 32

#5619565 - Friday 9 August 2013 5:39

What a sociopathic asshat. He really is a shitlord of an ex.

Reply

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#5786361 - Tuesday 10 December 2013 4:08

Damn. An asshole shitlord I get, but sociopathic? Kind of a stretch...