Today, a dog bit me, tearing a hole through my sweatpants, my...

By Anonymous - 7/3/2015 20:14 - United States - Columbia City

Today, a dog bit me, tearing a hole through my sweatpants, my shorts, and my underwear, all to get at the dog treat I'd hidden in my pocket. FML

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Animals

Crowded House

No one likes a smart-ass

Vultures

By BbyDelight - 27/4/2009 03:39 - Canada

Today, it was my mom's birthday. I decided to get her a Willow Tree statue of a woman fairy holding a heart. After dinner, I presented my gift. My mother asked me how much it was. I replied, $30. She threw me a dirty look, shoved the present in my direction, and told me to return it. FML

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By lovehurts - 14/10/2013 16:02 - United States - Wayne

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I like. We climbed a tree to watch the sunset, and as the sun went down, I kissed him. He fell out of the tree. FML

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By toomuchlove - 2/8/2010 23:32 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I like it when he moans while we're having sex. Unfortunately, he interpreted that as "milk it". The sound is so obnoxious, it's starting to ruin the sex. FML

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By dunno why we bother - 31/3/2014 20:07 - United States - Tampa

Today, while on patrol with my partner, we came across a guy getting a beat-down on the sidewalk. After restraining the attacker, we helped the victim to his feet, only for him to spit at us and call us "goddamn pigs". You're welcome, sir. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2018 20:30

Today, I couldn't sleep. I had to pee really badly but I'm terrified of the dark, so I closed my eyes all the way to the bathroom. On the way, I tripped over my dog and fell face-first into the door frame. He then humped me as my nose bled all over the floor. FML

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By haus - 19/1/2010 19:38 - United States

Today, I had to go to court to see whether my drivers license is suspended for an entire year. I woke up early, went to court, and everything went perfectly, with all the charges being dropped. Unfortunately, I then woke up, and am now going to be late. FML

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By Erin - 15/1/2009 15:05 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in English and drooled on my test. Evidently everyone noticed. FML

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By Faaccckkk - 25/3/2013 14:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to whimsically serenade me by throwing rocks at my apartment window and singing. He got the wrong window. Another guy answered, and now he thinks I'm cheating on him. FML

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By loveless - 18/2/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, my grandma called me to tell me that a couple of cute boys stopped by her house to borrow something. She told them all about me, and that I would be interested in them. My love life is so pathetic, even my grandmother is trying to hook me up. FML

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By Steve - 16/8/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, I woke up with my girl laying next to me in bed. When she woke up we started to get hot and heavy but all of a sudden our cat hops on the bed. I guess the cat was more important cause my girl got up started playing it instead of me. Cockblocked by another pussy. FML

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By me - 19/5/2012 02:41 - United States - Wyandotte

Today, my husband and I were pulled over by a cop. He was still angry from our earlier argument over his constant freeloading, and when the cop told him we'd been doing 75 in a 55, he retorted, "Yeah? I did 75 in your mom last night, fuzzball." One more ticket I have to pay for. FML

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By muffdriver - 26/12/2011 15:47 - United States

Today, I realized that every day without fail, the muffins I've been making and giving to my husband for work have been hitting speeding cars' windshields. FML

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By ToiletTroubles - 3/7/2013 16:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I was taking some clothes downstairs to wash, when my mum stopped me. She accused me of sleeping around and trying to hide something, since she did the washing yesterday. She made me admit in front of the whole family that I'd been "surprised" by a case of diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I walked out to my car to see four kids taking the hubcaps, radio, and license plates off of my truck. I chased them six blocks until I tripped and twisted my ankle. I limped back to my car and found a ticket on my windshield for $55 dollars. The reason? Missing license plates. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 06:04 - United States

Today, I think my friends were trying to tell me something with all my Christmas gifts being mostly perfume, deodorant, and soap. FML

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By baconman86 - 3/10/2010 22:24 - United States

Today, I put my good shoes out the window and on the roof to dry out because they were sopping wet. When I went to check them later on, they were still wet. And soaked in bird poop. FML

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By bitchyskier - 26/2/2011 21:36 - United States

Today, while waiting in line for the ski lift, the lady behind me kept stepping on my skis. Annoyed, I turned around and shouted at her "Get the f*ck off my skis!" Just as the last word escaped my mouth, I noticed that my skis were crossed and it was actually me stepping on them. FML

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By smh - 3/11/2015 20:04 - United States - Beulah

Today, I found out the only reason my boyfriend of two years asked me out on a date was because I accidentally flashed him when we met. FML

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By myfavoritesgouda - 24/6/2013 05:20 - United States - Manhasset

Today, my boss gave me an autographed photo of himself after he heard that I think he's intimidatingly attractive. FML

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By pandaface - 18/2/2011 09:39 - United Kingdom

Today, to wipe his crack, my boyfriend is still using a newspaper that I left there when he first started refusing to buy toilet paper. FML

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By 8to10days - 5/8/2010 11:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I received a new debit card, so I cut the old one into pieces. I then picked up my remaining card, and realized I'd cut up the wrong one. FML

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By LowerCrust - 30/1/2012 02:36 - United States

Today, I arrived at the pizza place I work at to find that I'd been fired. Apparently, the class stoner came in last night and not only demanded a free pizza, but also claimed that I always gave him one. I've never talked to this kid in my life, but my boss still doesn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2017 23:15

Today, I had money set out to pay bills, for a gift, and to put in a card as my cousin's wedding gift. I was rushing and not paying attention and ended up putting all of the money in the wedding card. $400 from one person. I guess I'll have no cable or cell phone this month. FML

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By AH - 7/9/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, I told my parents that all I wanted for my 18th birthday was to go to a restaurant in NYC for a nice dinner. My parents denied me saying that it would cost too much money. I come home today to see my parents had bought a huge plasma screen TV for $800. We already have 3 tv's. FML

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By krissy8799 - 15/7/2011 04:53 - United States

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blow job for the first time. He posted it on Facebook and can't understand why I'm angry with him. FML

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By RoseTylerTheDoctor - 11/6/2017 06:00 - United States - Boise

Today, I told my crush how I feel about him. It's been over 12 hours and he still says he's thinking about it. I asked him about it ; he says he's thinking of how to reject me. FML

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By dreamdude - 20/9/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I didn't fight some guy that started hitting her right in front of me... In a dream. She was totally serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, I apologized to the cat for walking into the laundry room while he was using the litter box. FML

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By fock - 7/5/2012 02:03 - Canada - Almonte

Today, I had to convince my 28-year-old boyfriend to take down his booger wall. FML

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By QueenCortana Tiffany Turner - 4/7/2019 02:00

Today, my toddler shat on her carpet again. She also decided to play in it. This is the third time in a month. She's fully potty trained, and thinks it’s funny. FML

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By Unknown - 26/10/2008 12:56 - France

Today, I have blue lips because of a guy whose face I don't even remember didn't know the difference between kissing and sucking. FML

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By TCRII - 13/6/2018 15:52

Today, my estranged wife, who I am divorcing, asked me to find homes for our animals. I have a dog, which I am keeping. She has 3 dogs, 4 cats, 1 pig, 3 goats, 2 horses and 54 chickens. FML

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By killmenow - 23/4/2014 14:54 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I locked myself out of my dorm room. I walked across campus, shoe-less and in nothing but my bathrobe, to find someone who could let me back in. Turns out I hadn't even shut the door properly and so it never actually locked. I can still hear the guy laughing at me. FML

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By Aaron - 1/12/2011 22:00

Today, my house was broken into. How? My mom left a key under a flower pot on the porch. She also left a note on the door saying so. He stole all of my guitars. FML

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By insultedguy - 3/1/2011 17:28 - Netherlands

Today, I went to the store and ran into an old friend that I hadn't seen in years. We chatted a little, and just as I was leaving he grabbed his mobile phone. Later, I added him on Facebook. Turns out the last thing he posted was a picture of my back saying: "Look who got even fatter." FML

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By Faker - 16/10/2012 21:44 - United States

Today, while shopping, an old man came up to me and told me I should be ashamed for walking around fake limping, and that it's horrible to mock people who actually limp from serious injuries. I wasn't faking, I was born without my right leg and I was getting used to my new prosthetic one. FML

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By DidntCheckTheCalendar - 3/12/2009 22:29 - Kuwait

Today, I hired a professional makeup artist to apply my makeup for a wedding. After paying her $500 for the excellent job she does, and getting dressed, I grabbed the invitation to check out the address, and it said the wedding was on December 2. Today is December 3. FML

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By regstl - 1/6/2013 06:21 - United States - Beaverton

Today, as I was getting out of my car, an old and obese lady walked up to me and called me an "inconsiderate heartless bitch" for using the last handicap parking spot. I guess she didn't see my wheelchair. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2015 12:26 - United States - San Bruno

Today, I told my boyfriend I was horny and was waiting for him at my place. 30 minutes later, he still hadn't arrived, so I called him and asked if he was coming. He replied "Already did, right into a kleenex." and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2018 08:30 - United States - Sewell

Today, my mother-in-law insisted we go to a baby clothing store. When I reminded her that I don’t want children, she sat on the floor, crying, kicking and screaming. She then said I was denying her grandchildren because I hate her. Well, I didn’t... FML

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Top comments

By cutycat136 | 28

#6225552 - Sunday 8 March 2015 16:31

Lesson #1: dogs have a great sense of smell. If you have it, they will find it. Don't hide it on you.

By vikingchick | 22

#6225590 - Sunday 8 March 2015 16:59

Wow not many positive rated comments here. I'm sorry to hear that a dog ripped through your clothes. I hope you're doing alright. :)

Comments

By brunettesara5722 | 17

#6225540 - Sunday 8 March 2015 16:28

Aww next time throw it & run if you have time

150493x | 29

#6225599 - Sunday 8 March 2015 17:13

I doubt for OP that there will be a next time

By aidanrulz11 | 10

#6225543 - Sunday 8 March 2015 16:29

Poor you

By SS99_fml | 20

#6225545 - Sunday 8 March 2015 16:30

Is that what they're callin it these days?

sureshadow | 23

#6226771 - Monday 9 March 2015 18:21

I thought this was funny

By Sneado | 20

#6225547 - Sunday 8 March 2015 16:30

We win some, we lose some.

thecalvin123 | 21

#6225767 - Sunday 8 March 2015 20:36

What exactly did OP win?

By kinky44 | 28

#6225548 - Sunday 8 March 2015 16:30

Must have been a Scooby snack, dogs will do some CRAZY stuff for those.

Daevas | 18

#6227086 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 0:12

Like speak!

By apineapple | 40

#6225550 - Sunday 8 March 2015 16:31

Every dog has its day.

By iTzSelverZz | 14

#6225551 - Sunday 8 March 2015 16:31

Well, you cant hide any treats from that dog apparently.

DarkPandaXD | 13

#6225648 - Sunday 8 March 2015 18:11

I'm pretty sure you can't hide treats from ANY dog seeing as they have a great sense of smell.

Stormcloak | 20

#6225863 - Sunday 8 March 2015 23:04

My dog can't find treats we lay out in front of her.

By cutycat136 | 28

#6225552 - Sunday 8 March 2015 16:31

Lesson #1: dogs have a great sense of smell. If you have it, they will find it. Don't hide it on you.

Noelletakumi | 36

#6225651 - Sunday 8 March 2015 18:15

Reminds me of Gary and the cookie in Patrick's pants.

mischiefkel | 17

#6226325 - Monday 9 March 2015 9:02

Reminds me of American dad, when Barry sniffs out the ham in Steve's pants

By WitEluded | 13

#6225556 - Sunday 8 March 2015 16:32

At least it only tore holes through your clothing...

WitEluded | 13

#6225579 - Sunday 8 March 2015 16:51

I guess the injuries were implied here... Oh well, can't win 'em all.

By jamesderp | 15

#6225558 - Sunday 8 March 2015 16:32

Ruff day, eh?