Today, I went downtown to pay my speeding ticket. After standing...

By Anonymous - 4/5/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, I went downtown to pay my speeding ticket. After standing in line and arguing with a rude woman behind the desk, I get back to my car only to find an expired meter and a parking ticket. I got a ticket while paying my ticket. FML

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Transportation

Everyone's an expert

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Hello everyone!

By halien1982 - 3/1/2010 06:36 - United States

Today, I was sitting at the bar of a popular local restaurant. I sat there for a few hours and drank my sorrows away with the bartender. I thought she was pretty, and decided to give her a large tip. The tip sent me over my credit card limit, and the bartender is not single. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2018 19:00

Today, I told my parents that I am a smoker. My mother started crying, and said she worried I was gay, but this is almost as bad. That leads on to part two of my confessions... FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2013 20:10 - United States

Today, I went to a local Indian takeaway, since I'm from India originally, and none of my friends speak Hindi. I went up to the counter and placed my order in Hindi with the seemingly Indian owner. He gave me a weird look and said, "Huh? Speak English, ya rimjob." FML

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By I'maboutobarf - 31/1/2013 10:28 - Australia

Today, my mum got a new blender. Dinner was roast beef, broccoli, cauliflower, pumpkin, potatoes and water. In a cup. FML

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By blizzard_of_77 - 8/4/2009 16:10 - United States

Today, I was flirting via text with a coworker. Things started getting heated, and I wanted to send her a sexy picture. I asked if she had any suggestions. She said, "Your nuts!" She meant, "YOU'RE nuts." I sent her a photo of my junk. I offended a co-worker with incriminating evidence. FML

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By Stressed - 24/9/2018 22:00

Today, I got promoted. By promoted, I mean, given a much harder job with no training and no extra pay because someone went on maternity leave. They've already hired someone for my old position. FML

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By comfort_ - 27/3/2015 03:28 - United States - Dalton

Today, I managed to take an entire shower without realizing my socks were on. I washed my feet. FML

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By JackOLantern - 13/7/2009 20:16 - Satellite Provider

Today, I proposed to a girl I'd been in love with for 6 years. I filled the balcony of the building where I'd first laid eyes on her with innumerable roses and, under the starlit sky, I did it. She later posted on facebook 'OMG. This geek I knew from high school did the FUNNIEST thing today'. FML

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By rejected - 2/10/2014 08:56 - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, I thought I was finally over my anxiety problem, and confidently went to my first ever job interview. Halfway through, the manager tells me that if I didn't stop being so nervous, he couldn't give me the job. I cried. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2014 08:56 - United Kingdom - Dunmow

Today, despite years of paranoid checking, I forgot to check my towel for spiders after my shower. Two crawled onto me, and I'm pretty sure there's one somewhere in my hair. FML

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By hopeless - 18/3/2011 05:32 - United States

Today, I was talking to my dad and told him that I want to be a hotel maid, hoping that he would tell me "You can do better, you're smart, etc." Instead he said, "I'm glad you finally have a goal that you can actually achieve." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2017 20:00 - United States - Warren

Grandpa's got game

Today, I tried out the high-tech eliptical at my gym. The 70-year-old man next to me who was also using one went faster and longer than I did, and unlike me didn't stop for a break. FML

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By poolgirl789 - 3/9/2013 06:30 - United Kingdom - Bradford

Today, I had to feed an elderly man in the care home in which I work while he was whacking off. Our work policy states that I have to pretend not to notice. FML

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By Brittany - 28/3/2012 02:38 - United States - Kerrville

Today, I failed my driving test. I rammed into the parallel parking poles, ran a stop sign, and stopped at a cross intersection. My instructor called me an idiot. FML

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By AshlynnPrime - 14/11/2013 22:44 - United States - Owensboro

Today, I was watching TV when my sister-in-law called me, laughing. It turns out my brother got his head stuck between the bars on the stairs. Again. My brother is 29. FML

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By George - 15/1/2013 20:53 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I got a new girlfriend. Unfortunately, the last girl I asked out just responded to my relationship request on Facebook. It's been 4 hours, and my new girlfriend already thinks I'm cheating on her. FML

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By scaredofhedges - 7/1/2013 10:21 - United States - San Diego

Today, I was on a plane and realized that the woman next to me was hiding a hedgehog in a plastic container. I'm severely afraid of hedgehogs but not wanting to give the woman up and get her in trouble, I tried to stay quiet. Which led to me to quietly hyperventilate and pass out on the plane. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2016 19:47 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I finally found out why my graphics card in my PC had been overheating recently. My brother disconnected the card's fan because it was too loud when he was gaming. I guess I can always spend another $750. FML

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By Noname - 10/3/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend had some crazy rough sex. In the process I ended up with huge bruises and bite marks all over my neck and chest. I'm giving a speech on domestic violence today. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 08:12 - United States

Today, I broke my right leg. I've had one shot of morphine, and even that only relieved the pain a little. It's now totally worn off and I have yet to get pain medication of any kind. My leg has been broken for over nine hours now. FML

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By banana12321 - 2/4/2015 04:40 - United States - Fresno

Today, I thought I had gotten away with throwing a party while my folks were gone the night before. They came home and I was as sweet as possible. I could tell they were not buying it, but I thought I was in the clear. Later, they told me I had drunk-dialled them and spilled the beans. FML

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By Tallow101 - 23/7/2009 07:10 - United States

Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML

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By PC Jones - 20/9/2011 14:56 - Australia

Today, it was my first day as a police officer. A couple of hours into the shift, we got a call. A man was drunkenly jeering and urinating on parked cars. That man turned out to be my father. FML

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By anon - 16/3/2015 04:10 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I thought everything went well, until I got a text from him later saying, "Come on mom, she isn't THAT bad." FML

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By BobbyHutchinson - 20/10/2009 15:57 - Australia

Today, some thug tried to mug me. I panicked and ran. As they chased me with their knife out, I heard a slip and a shout behind me but kept running. Six blocks later I was spotted, arrested and held for questioning by the police. The mugger fell, stabbed themselves and told a cop that I did it. FML

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By jruth7 - 15/5/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, after being in Europe for a month, I got home to find my door wide open and all my stuff gone. I called my dad who was supposed to be watching my house. He told me I should have had someone check on my place while I was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2010 13:33 - United States

Today, I went to visit my aunt who recently was released from an institution. She had leftover Christmas cookies so I began snacking on them. They tasted a bit off so I inquired about the ingredients. She told me they only had white icing so she used Crayola markers to give them color. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2018 05:00

Today, I was denied an animal adoption because I said "babies" instead of "kittens". Apparently that means I'm not serious about pet ownership. What?! FML

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By sadgf - 25/2/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said that being with me was his payment for past sins. FML

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By Aintnosunshine - 31/12/2009 03:48 - France

Today, I attended a speed dating evening. After 7 minutes, the girl told me she wasn't interested. I asked her at what point of the conversation she had made up her mind, she answered: "When you said 'Hello'. Goodbye". FML

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By shiney100893 - 14/1/2013 12:56 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I was at a party with my crush. The collar on his shirt was sticking up so I fixed it for him. He gave me a hug and said, "Aww you're so good to me. You're like my mother. You can be my college mother." I got mother-zoned. FML

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By nicchick411 - 27/3/2011 15:17 - United States

Today, it's my birthday and my kids made me a card. Unfortunately, my kids used the wall for paper. Now I have red and blue crayon all over my bedroom wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 10:28 - United States

Today, we sparred for Tae Kwon Do. I forgot my cup, but I didn't think anyone sucked enough to hit me below the belt. 5 seconds into a match, some girl knees me in the happy sacks. After writhing in pain for 30 seconds, I got back up to spar. I didn't think she sucked enough to do it again. She did. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2014 20:23 - United States - Manhattan

Today, I went to the health department to get on some birth control. I left the health department without birth control, and with the news that I'm pregnant. FML

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By canucks_chick - 23/10/2011 05:45 - Canada

Today, I dislocated my jaw while giving my boyfriend a blowjob. FML

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By Hobbsie - 29/8/2010 04:54 - Canada

Today, my dad walked in on me singing "Bohemian Rhapsody", while spinning in circles with the cat in my arms. I thought I was home alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my friend when I saw my boyfriend in Victoria's Secret - with another girl. They were joking and laughing, and I was really pissed off. So I stormed into the store and slapped him. He looked up at me with an angry and confused expression. It wasn't my boyfriend. FML

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By thenanny - 15/8/2016 17:14 - United States - East Syracuse

Today, I got a very nice compliment on my bra. But it was from a five-year-old after her 6-month-old brother threw up on my shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2013 06:15 - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out why my girlfriend has lost interest in our relationship. She's found out she likes drinking. A lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2012 02:02 - United States

Today, my boss captured a huge spider and put it in a jar on the desk in our shop. He's named it Fluffy and is threatening to fire me if I harm it. I'm horribly arachnophobic and we share that desk. FML

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Top comments

By Rhien | 0

#169640 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 2:16

FYL if you payed the meter, and it ran out because the bitch at the desk was arguing with you, YDI if you didn't pay it. So I won't vote here.

By McOrmick | 0

#169602 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 2:09

Oh the irony. Sucks man

Comments

By retro_squares | 0

#169591 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 2:08

Wow...that sucks and YAY FINALLY FIRST!

By brydeec | 0

#169595 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 2:08

SECOND!
And yea, FYL.

By Luckster | 0

#169597 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 2:09

If you didn't have bad luck, you'd have no luck at all!

MrCatman1125 | 2

#5126851 - Thursday 8 November 2012 5:38

I'd rather have no luck...

By McOrmick | 0

#169602 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 2:09

Oh the irony. Sucks man

By SoFreakinNaive | 0

#169608 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 2:11

i agree with 4. some nice irony right there :]
and yay fifth!

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#169610 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 2:11

FUCK THE GOD DAMN PARKING NAZI'S SERIOUSLY!!! THOSE ASSHOLES HAVE NO SOULS!! on my campus, you get a $50 fine for parking in the wrong spot etc....I hope yours wasn't that much.

By elspicytaco | 0

#169633 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 2:15

oh man. must have not been one of ur better days.

By Rhien | 0

#169640 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 2:16

FYL if you payed the meter, and it ran out because the bitch at the desk was arguing with you, YDI if you didn't pay it. So I won't vote here.

By cefarix | 5

#169650 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 2:18

Yet another example of how the U.S. government oppresses its own citizens. I feel sorry for you, FYL :(

By x_eyebrows | 0

#169656 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 2:19

Haha, didn't you learn your lesson the first time? :P It sucks for you, but you kind of deserve it! I'll bet you'll be a lot more careful about where you park in the future!