Today, my dad got drunk and asked if I had inherited his "abnormally... - FML

By nick - 6/3/2011 01:42 - United States

Today, my dad got drunk and asked if I had inherited his "abnormally tiny penis." FML

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Does it taste good?

Assumptions

You snooze, you lose

By FullMonty - 15/9/2012 23:26 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my 2-year-old sister walked in on me while I was showering. She began to splash around in the toilet, and as I hastily jumped out to stop her, my brother and his friend got a good look as they walked past the room. FML

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By Foreveralone - 22/7/2016 08:54 - United States - Hartford

Today, I was told I'm not invited to my best friend's birthday party. Apparently, being divorced and childless doesn't "mesh" well with the rest of the group. My parents are still watching her kids so she can go away for the weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2015 10:57 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Today, I was clipping my nails. When I got to my toenail, the whole thing somehow ripped right out. I'm in agony. FML

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By Tomtom - 17/11/2008 05:04 - France

Today, I put on the same jeans that I had left in a bundle in my bedroom the day before. A few hours later, my boxer shorts decided to make their spectacular reappearance trick at the bottom of my leg in the middle of one of my meetings. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2009 16:32 - United States

Today, at work, my husband came in and brought me flowers and a card for our anniversary. I opened the card to find a condom. I ran over and closed the door and we immediately got at it in the middle of my office. Halfway through, I realized I have been laying on the intercom button. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2013 11:56 - United States

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I used one of their blankets to keep warm. Later, I saw their dog getting busy with said blanket. When my grandparents saw my look of horror, they explained that he has "sexual relations" with the blanket every night. Thanks for telling me, guys. FML

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By nicolo - 27/10/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I got my tax return. I was really excited. Turns out the government does take the time to send out a tax return for $1.36. FML

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By verycre8tive - 21/5/2009 07:31 - Romania

Today, after a few drinks my dad decided to tell me the story of how I was born. He wanted a baby girl after my brother, and mum didn't want any more children. So he tricked her by giving her the wrong pill. That should explain a lot. FML

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By CheapFamily - 9/4/2014 23:47 - United States

Today, I graduated from Basic Training. I was really looking forward to seeing my family after being away for almost three months. They decided not to come to graduation because they didn't want to spend the money to travel here. They live 30 minutes away. FML

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By OnCompanyTimeToo - 2/9/2013 01:21 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, while writing a self-evaluation for my internship, I had to type up answers to certain questions and then submit them. After submission, I re-read one of the answers I had written that said, "After 3 months on the jon I finally feel like I have accomplished a lot." I had meant to write job. FML

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By pyook - 6/9/2018 23:30

My Bucket

Today, my college class has a strict rule that ANY absence, even if it's because you're sick and have a doctor's note, will drop your grade a letter grade. I have a chronic illness. Today is the second time in the first two weeks that I've had to show up to class with a bucket. FML

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By ginny - 10/9/2009 17:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to put his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. And yes, that was my first time. FML

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By Bigfoot - 2/9/2017 01:30

Today, I participated in an obstacle course. As I was going over a set of monkey bars, my balls got crushed between the bar and my gut. I barely managed to get down before blacking out in the middle of the road. FML

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By Gen - 17/12/2008 09:40 - France

Today, I was telling off one of my friends, a fellow student of medicine, who was spending his evenings watching "House" instead of revising for our important exam, as I was. The topic mentioned in the episode came up in the exam. He got 4 points more than I did. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 20:00

Breaking news

Today, my stepfather woke me up at two in the morning just to tell me he bought a sandwich. FML

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By forever1990 - 28/1/2013 11:52 - United States - York

Today, I'm getting married. A few months ago, I allowed my mother in-law to take care of catering. She begged to be a part of the wedding, so I gave her the caterer's number and order info. It appears that I will not be eating at my own wedding because she decided to order food I'm allergic to. FML

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By fritzile - 10/1/2016 23:53 - United States - Chandler

Today, I told a customer the bread he wanted has been discontinued. He replied with, "Are you serious? What is your name? I'm going up front to complain about you." I still don't understand how that's specifically my fault. FML

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By Mortifiedcharityworker - 1/5/2014 20:10 - Austria

Today, I didn't pay enough attention while sending a music file to be used in a powerful video my class-mates and I made about the Syrian civil war. Instead of a moving classical track, viewers were shown graphic scenes of devastation to the tune of Gangnam Style. FML

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By Jelly_Hell - 3/11/2016 20:24

Today, I almost got hit by a car because the kid in the back who was wearing headphones was paying more attention to the road than the driver. He only just stopped her. FML

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By Ned - 29/8/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, I woke up in my bunkbed because I thought I was experiencing my first earthquake ever. I jumped out of bed and found that it was just my roomate masturbating in the bottom bunk. It was 6am. FML

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By Andrea Trevor - 30/4/2018 01:30

Today, I woke up at 5am to my dog jumping off of my bed. No big deal. I rolled over to the other side of the bed to fall back asleep and my face landed right in a puddle of his pee. I tasted it. FML

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By comics over coatis - 4/4/2017 12:00

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me for starting to give him oral sex because I wasn't paying attention to the Marvel movie he was showing me. FML

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By BirthdayBoy - 28/3/2015 03:42 - United States - Madison

Today, I was uninvited from my own birthday party. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2015 08:50 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my doctor died. Last week, after a check up I'd had because I was worried about a cough, he told me not to worry because I was as healthy as he was. FML

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By lady parts - 27/10/2014 23:05 - United States - Lake Bluff

Today, I was being interviewed for a grant over the phone. When asked why I wanted to go to school to be an OB nursing assistant, I panicked and yelled, "BECAUSE VAGINAS ARE FASCINATING!" into the receiver. FML

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By Sarah - 12/6/2011 00:54 - United States

Today, I saw my brother on TV after 3 years of no contact. He was being arrested on Cops. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 07:21 - United States

Today, I was running a meeting feeling very stressed. I grabbed my stress ball out of my bag, squeezing it vigorously throughout the meeting. When I stood up to talk my stress ball exploded all over my new black suit and the desk. So much for relieving stress. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 19:36 - United States

Today, I was taking the final exam for one of my classes. The teacher came over to my desk, grabbed my test and ripped it in half. Then he grabbed my hand and read the note I had written on it to remind myself to pay rent. FML

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By goshoveafuckingfrappuccinoupyourvagyoupsychocunt - 7/9/2013 21:43 - United States - Midlothian

Today, a customer kept harassing me and threatening to sue me for all I'm worth because I wouldn't give her a free refill. Her reasoning was that it's "illegal" to deny people a free refill if there's still a little drink left in the cup. FML

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By GuitarChick42 - 4/4/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML

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By 1.30am - 10/2/2012 09:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by text at 1:30 am because he didn't want to give me "the dread of answering a phone call." When I asked him for an explanation, his reply was, "For what?" FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is, until she laughed and said, "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2014 20:28 - United States - Galesburg

Today, my clingy girlfriend refused to leave me alone long enough for me to read an article about dealing with clingy girlfriends. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2013 20:42 - United States - Lombard

Today, I found out that my daughter has been stuffing my push-up bras and lipstick into her backpack, putting them on at school, and taking them off before she gets home. She's 9. The only reason I found out is because her teacher reported me to social services. FML

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By youmothERFUCKErs - 13/8/2012 17:50 - United States

Today, yet again, I had to dye my hair brown in advance of the new school year, because my school doesn't allow "unapproved" colors, even if they're natural. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2014 15:34 - Belgium - Antwerpen

Today, I went out to a bar with some of my friends. They're all in committed relationships, but every single one of them got hit on. I'm single, and yet again, nobody even said hi to me. FML

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By Riskreh - 23/9/2009 11:10 - United States

Today, I had a nervous breakdown. My life has been going down the drain and I called my boyfriend for comfort. I was crying my eyes out, finally getting everything off of my chest that has been bothering me. I thought it was quiet because he was listening closely. I was wrong. He fell asleep. FML

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By - 26/3/2019 00:00

Today, my husband told me that, to feel less unreliable, he was just going to stop saying he was going to do anything around the house. That way, when he actually did something (i.e. wash dishes), I could be pleasantly surprised. FML

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By yuck - 17/7/2019 14:15

Today, my father informed me that he is going to divorce his bitch of a wife, but told me not to say anything to mess things up, in case he wants to "hit that one more time." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2019 00:00 - United States - Grove City

Today, a childhood friend reached out to me to apologize for our friendship. He was obviously drunk, and admitted that his parents made him become friends with me so that my dad, their landlord, would be easy on them when the rent was short after his mom lost her job. He said he never really liked me and called me a nerd, before hanging up. FML

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Top comments

By ImKindaABigDeal | 6

#2154263 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:06

shoulda said "no I got moms abnormally large one"

By cheerchika | 0

#2154247 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:04

hahaha. say " no and thank god" ;)

Comments

By cheerchika | 0

#2154247 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:04

hahaha. say " no and thank god" ;)

Reply

sammy92 | 0

#2154341 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:14

I hope not for your sake XD

Reply

andruha1123 | 5

#2154346 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:15

this is an fml because he did

Reply

cheerchika | 0

#2154410 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:25

well maybe he didn't say anything back, maybe he was like "I had enough with his shit" and went to his room :P

Reply

Yousuck24 | 21

#2154426 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:32

it would of been funny if the father repli

Reply

cheerchika | 0

#2154445 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:39

it all depends if this guy said anything back.
omg some drunk people are entertaining to watch lol

Reply

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#2155214 - Sunday 6 March 2011 12:54

You mean if the kid repliED, 25, the father asked the question.

Reply

mzeemzima | 0

#2155714 - Sunday 6 March 2011 16:03

well.....did you

Reply

donkeyshlong42 | 1

#2155720 - Sunday 6 March 2011 16:04

56 you look familiar were you the kid in the harry potter movie??

Reply

DaveOnDope | 4

#2157603 - Monday 7 March 2011 5:31

This is for 28
30 years ago I used to go to a local truck stop around midnight to drink coffee and debug source code. (loads of free coffee) I loved seeing all the drunks showing up at 2am.

Reply

cheerchika | 0

#2158148 - Monday 7 March 2011 10:06

haha 105. I love seeing my friends drunk. they are soo freaking funny. I love itt

Reply

JuiiceBoxxJoshh | 0

#2160376 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 2:12

i thought he was someone from my school :S

By j_cat187 | 19

#2154251 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:05

say u inherited his tiny penis

Reply

sloppyflow | 1

#2156322 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:34

and his mum "abnormally huge breast"

By Sway619 | 0

#2154254 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:05

And you replied, "unfortunately yes..."

Reply

MichaelGood | 0

#2154284 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:07

^ now u can relate to him :3! (just playing not trollin don't worry :))

Reply

dcioth | 0

#2157696 - Monday 7 March 2011 6:53

don't u mean

unfortunately......
puts on cool glasses
...yes
YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Reply

jeff98 | 2

#4574410 - Saturday 16 June 2012 13:27

wtf are u saying u freakin nim rod

By ImKindaABigDeal | 6

#2154263 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:06

shoulda said "no I got moms abnormally large one"

Reply

tkdgold03 | 5

#2154273 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:06

sweet..

Reply

FYLDeep | 25

#2154355 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:16

From behind...

Reply

carnage1106 | 0

#2155155 - Sunday 6 March 2011 12:03

cowboy style...

Reply

SchiTzenGiglez | 0

#2155432 - Sunday 6 March 2011 14:10

win

Reply

SkateboardGirl88 | 11

#2155855 - Sunday 6 March 2011 16:41

Hahahahaha

Reply

sweet_blue | 3

#2156997 - Monday 7 March 2011 0:07

haha that's funny

By mintcar | 9

#2154265 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:06

Wow...that's a little odd. Did you?

By FruityLoooons | 8

#2154277 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:07

...did he want to see?

Reply

africanelephants | 7

#2155262 - Sunday 6 March 2011 13:26

the real question is, did he show him his for comparison?

By maddiester | 5

#2154294 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:09

why didn't you just show it to him? you could be a grown man but he's your father. nothing like a son/dad bonding by comparing penises :)

Reply

ranger186 | 1

#2154528 - Sunday 6 March 2011 10:13

SWORD FIGHT

Reply

satanballs666 | 5

#2154589 - Sunday 6 March 2011 10:42

get some glow in the dark condoms and you get lightsabers

Reply

Gucci_107 | 0

#2155656 - Sunday 6 March 2011 15:41

# 42
LMFAAAAOOO!

By SarahStarzz | 0

#2154311 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:10

so did u?

Reply

ashleighmef | 7

#2157706 - Monday 7 March 2011 7:06

yeah that's what I was thinking

By ImKindaABigDeal | 6

#2154315 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:11

I certainly hope not. there's clearly not much to chip off

Reply

ImKindaABigDeal | 6

#2154336 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:13

I posted this on 10's comment but it made it a seperate one... hmm...

By averageJoe1492 | 0

#2154328 - Sunday 6 March 2011 9:12

hahahahahaha that's hilarious