Today, I have a very uncomfortable cyst in my armpit and a sprained... - FML

By Igor - 19/12/2012 05:16 - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have a very uncomfortable cyst in my armpit and a sprained ankle both on my right side, resulting in me limping and keeping my arm awkwardly plastered to my side. My fiancé keeps walking like me and calling me Igor, saying "Yes, Master" whenever I ask him for something. FML

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Delayed proposal

Banished

Freak out

By AmberKCole - 8/7/2009 18:45 - United States

Today, the car in front of me was going slow and I flashed my lights and honked. I floored it and passed the car, flipping off the driver. Just as I went around the next corner I got pulled over by a motorcycle cop. A few seconds later, the guy I flipped off drove by honked and waved. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2015 01:23 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML

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By Juju Bear - 8/3/2016 11:54 - France - Paris

Today, my girlfriend woke up, and half-asleep, muttered: "What time is it? Did the neighbours start drilling again?" I'll try harder to keep my farts in from now on. FML

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By twelfinity - 17/7/2011 16:00 - United States

Today, my husband decided that the best way to deal with me eating the last chocolate chip muffin was to give me the silent treatment. Normally, I'd just get over his childish behavior, but we're on a fifteen hour car trip back home with our one year old. FML

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By nah - 9/9/2015 19:55 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I started my period. Every time I try to open a tampon, my dog goes crazy thinking it's one of his treats. Now I have to open them with my hair dryer on. FML

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By Teddy - 26/11/2012 20:54 - United States - Gardner

Today, I ran into my sister, who nobody in the family has seen in six years. She looked very happy working the pole. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 18:00 - United Kingdom

Panic mode: activated

Today, I got out of bed and saw muddy footprints next to it. They were at least three sizes bigger than mine. I live alone. FML

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By tryon777 - 29/7/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, my girlfriend begged me to stay up late and video chat with her because she missed me. Even though I work early mornings, I reluctantly agreed. After waiting up until 2am for her to get online, I gave up. She had fallen asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 06:27 - United States

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend of two years expressing my feelings for her. She responded with, "I'm going to bed." FML

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By Emily - 17/9/2019 08:00

Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name

Today, I found out that my parents think my boyfriend is the devil. FML

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By O_O - 12/7/2013 20:15 - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend insisted that I start calling him "Professor Fucktard" in the bedroom. He seems to be dead serious about it. FML

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By Username - 2/8/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, I decided to play with my dog. I sat on the ground and whistled for him to come to me. I smiled when I saw him running at my happily. He sniffed me, turned around, lifted his leg and peed on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2015 13:31 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, while on the train heading to my new job, my coat caught between two seats. I didn't notice until my stop. I whacked myself in the face in front of everyone trying to get it free, and ended up missing my stop. When I finally got to work, I was told not to bother coming in again. FML

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By (L) - 13/2/2018 09:00 - United States - Athens

Today, I was studying in my university library when I noticed an attractive boy sitting alone four tables ahead of me. I wrote down my phone number, scrunched it into a ball, and threw it at him. He looked up, opened it, scrunched it up, and threw it back. FML

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By Paul - 2/5/2013 01:52 - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. After yelling and firing me, his assistant comes in telling him he had mistaken me for someone else. He did not give me my job back, as he claimed it would make an awkward work environment. FML

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By Roger Quimble - 24/5/2019 00:04

Today, after taking a refreshing shower, I found out that due to a newly-built platform, people in the apartment underneath can see right into my bedroom. While I was standing there completely naked, some guy smiled at me. FML

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By disgusted - 24/9/2012 19:16 - United Kingdom - Harpenden

Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML

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By OUCH - 19/5/2009 05:17 - Canada

Today, while going for a run in my neighbourhood I was hit by a car not once, but twice. The second car, closely following the first, stopped and then drove forward to see if I was all right. FML

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By etgohome - 26/8/2013 00:10 - Canada - Kingston

Today, I almost got run over on my bike by a truck who raced through a red light. After narrowly avoiding a collision, the car slowed down. Instead of apologizing for almost killing me, the driver stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "Nice ass!" FML

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By keenan - 19/9/2010 23:55 - United States

Today, I had to use my driver's license to convince the security guard at a game room that I was a girl. FML

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By no sleep for me - 8/1/2013 07:44

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend to roll over while he was asleep. He snores loud enough to wake the neighbors and if he lays on his side he usually stops. Instead of rolling over, he stuck his leg in the air, farted twice, and laughed about it in his sleep. He's still snoring. FML

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By EpicFail - 25/1/2009 04:25 - Canada

Today, I got a text message saying "I'm sorry, I know it's our 4 month anniversary but it's not working out, I need to break up with you" followed by her complaining that I never call her as well. WTF? I haven't had a girlfriend for 6 months. FML

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By SuperBunny - 20/4/2009 07:59 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to take me to dinner to meet his parents. As we pulled into the restaurant valet I saw a woman in a slutty dress and hooker heels get out of the car ahead of us. I jokingly asked if we had accidentally pulled into a strip club pointing to the woman. It was his mother. FML

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By mackmoons - 10/8/2019 14:00 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I found out someone doing the exact same job as me at work is making $900 more than me on their paycheck. The only reason is because when he messes up, he blames it on me. FML

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By Carlyclose - 16/6/2017 00:00

Today, I got rejected from Sephora, Walgreens and Ulta for being OVER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. Then, I got rejected from Estée Lauder, LVMH and Proctor and Gamble for being UNDER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. FML

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By Jason - 24/12/2017 19:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out that conducting CPR and saving a man's life means nothing if you break his ribs. He is suing me for $10,000. FML

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By frustrated - 13/1/2013 06:39 - United States - Miami

Today, while reading an erotic story I was more excited that the author used a conjunctive adverb than the sexual content in the story. FML

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By Kat - 24/12/2015 21:51 - Australia

Today, I made a typo in a line of code, bringing the company website down. Our admin was already pissed about having to work over Christmas, and he started yelling at me and ended up punching my supervisor when he got between us. Pretty sure my screw up indirectly got the poor guy fired. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2014 23:14 - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, I proudly informed my grandma that I now have a girlfriend. My grandpa overheard and said how surprising that was, given how expensive blowup dolls are. He and my grandma then both laughed out loud. FML

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By moe - 15/2/2011 03:07 - United States

Today, the only person to wish me a Happy Valentine's day was a wrong number calling my cell phone. FML

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By - 8/3/2019 12:00

Today, my teacher told me that unless I went into medicine, math, or engineering, I would never amount to anything in life. This wasn't even two minutes after I told him I want to be an author. FML

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By melmel - 5/5/2014 05:07 - United States - Cumming

Today, I spent an hour explaining to a college student how you could have a baby and not be married. He still doesn't get it. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 01:32 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I ran a hand down my freshly shaven leg to appreciate the smoothness, only to come up with a hand covered in blood. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2019 18:00

Grab the balls by the horn, dude

Today, the only girl I've ever had eyes for said she can't find any good single men, all while sitting next to me. FML

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By sweetie808 - 28/1/2016 08:39 - United States - Kailua Kona

Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML

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By Waffle - 9/3/2011 15:47

Today, a little boy called me on the phone, crying "grandma died" in a broken voice. I just didn't have the heart to say "wrong number." FML

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By georgia819 - 21/5/2009 08:06 - Australia

Today, my cat was hit by a car. I took it to the vet expecting the worst but they told me that she’d be fine. I was so happy I didn't even mind paying the $50 bill. The next morning my cat was dead. Having her put down humanely would have cost $45, I paid $5 extra to have her die in my kitchen. FML

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By sadmom - 18/3/2020 05:05

What are you doing here?

Today, I found out the man I have been dating is my son’s principal. I found out by having to pick my suspended son up from school. FML

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By FlabbyPants - 6/1/2015 02:51 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I woke up with every muscle in my body hurting so bad I could hardly walk. Participation in a triathlon, or overdoing it at the gym? No, the results of a day spent cleaning the house. FML

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By Stinkbomber - 24/2/2017 14:00 - United States - Woonsocket

Today, at work, our grease traps were getting cleaned out. My desk is right next to the vent for outside air, and veryone thought I crapped myself and wouldn't go near me. FML

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Top comments

By emeraldisle | 30

#5261855 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:01

It may seem mean to you but maybe he's trying to make you laugh and feel better. I know it would work on me.

By olpally | 32

#5261862 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:01

Awww, that's cute. Give him credit for having a sense of humor about your injury/condition and trying to cheer you up. he's a funny one. Lol :)

COMMENTS

By emeraldisle | 30

#5261855 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:01

It may seem mean to you but maybe he's trying to make you laugh and feel better. I know it would work on me.

Reply

cloud175 | 6

#5261883 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:06

Maybe he just finds Igor very, very attractive.

Reply

ConBroChilll | 9

#5262568 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 20:43

13- I really doubt anyone thinks something that fugly is attarctive.

Reply

cloud175 | 6

#5264627 - Thursday 20 December 2012 13:13

You're judgmental. Well, I'm sure Igor doesn't care about your opinion. He's sexy and he knows it.

By Welshite | 39

#5261857 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:01

Walk this way...this way!

Reply

Mikeskinner | 7

#5261866 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:02

I LOVE YOU

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5261948 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:24

*Sigh* *places you on the guillitine and pulls lever* That is what private messeges are for!

Reply

baadjujulady | 5

#5263065 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 23:20

hells ya lol :)

Reply

TorturedXeno | 27

#5263240 - Thursday 20 December 2012 0:10

Are you the apprentice of Erik the Flutemaker?

Reply

mariah_1_11 | 22

#5263643 - Thursday 20 December 2012 2:45

Call it a hunch! Bu bun chi

By olpally | 32

#5261862 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:01

Awww, that's cute. Give him credit for having a sense of humor about your injury/condition and trying to cheer you up. he's a funny one. Lol :)

By lostcrazydiamond | 10

#5261864 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:02

Isn't that a bit backwards? If you're Igor, why is he calling you master?

I'd take advantage of this situation. See how much he is willing to do for his "master."

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5261880 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:06

That is evil, but very awesome! :D

Reply

Michael87Jackson_fml | 10

#5263462 - Thursday 20 December 2012 1:00

He was imitating her.

By THobsession4 | 18

#5261868 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:02

That does suck, but he could be trying to be funny to make you less upset about it.

By ICastillo | 24

#5261869 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:03

Come on OP have a sense of humor. That is funny.

By jtthegr8 | 26

#5261871 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:03

It may seem mean but at least he isn't ignoring you or hitting you or something brutAl

Reply

CrookedCook | 14

#5262065 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 17:18

why would he hit her anyway?

Reply

howdeedoo | 22

#5262140 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 17:44

I think 8 is trying to say that it would be much worse if OP's fiancé was abusive. Instead, he has a sense of humor

Reply

siickman | 7

#5263504 - Thursday 20 December 2012 1:22

33, its like sunburns. People will take advantage and hit you because they find it funny that you are in pain. So at least the husband isnt hurting her weak areas and having a sense of humor about the whole thing.

By lilhellian | 26

#5261873 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:03

Aww it's kind of cute! It's funny.. :)

By LNK112 | 5

#5261875 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:04

At least he's comfortable enough to joke around with you like that!

Reply

subwaysurfers | 13

#5262074 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 17:21

They're planning on getting married. Why wouldn't they be comfortable around eachother?

Reply

LNK112 | 5

#5262609 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 21:04

Getting tired of ur bullshit subwaysurfers

Reply

subwaysurfers | 13

#5262611 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 21:06

Haha, I don't recall annoying you before.

By saidoh_fml | 26

#5261877 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:04

The fiancé may just want to lighten the mood a bit. As long as you're getting the help you need while you heal, don't sweat it Op. get well soon.