Health: Today, I have a very uncomfortable cyst in my armpit and a sprained... - FML

By Igor - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have a very uncomfortable cyst in my armpit and a sprained ankle both on my right side, resulting in me limping and keeping my arm awkwardly plastered to my side. My fiancé keeps walking like me and calling me Igor, saying "Yes, Master" whenever I ask him for something. FML

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There's no helping some people

Mother of the year

Ant life

By Noname - Canada

Today, I won $5000 dollars from a lottery ticket and tried giving the man next to me a high five. He had no hands. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Heavy

Today, a 100-foot maple tree fell on my house. I was inside. I was sleeping. FML

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By stillwaiting - United States

Today, my mom called and told me I got accepted to my first-choice college. I got really excited and asked her to read me the letter. As she started to read it, she said, "Oops... uh, nevermind." FML

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By sastgamer - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I asked about 30 students and 3 of my teachers to sign my yearbook. So far, only my math teacher agreed to write in it. He wrote, "You need to try harder next year." FML

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By Sue - United States

Today, I co-starred in a production of Hamlet. Halfway through play, the actor playing Hamlet forgot his lines, threw a raging temper tantrum, screaming about how much he hated the play and how he wanted to go home in front of hundreds of audience members. FML

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By whatthehell - United States

Today, my mom had big news. I've been trying to get her to quit smoking because of second hand smoke for 20 years. She learned today that second hand smoke severely affects animals as well. Her big news? She's quitting. She doesn't want to hurt the dog. FML

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By elsatheannoyed - United States - Santa Clara

Today, like any other day since that stupid movie Frozen came out, people have been asking me if I want to build a snowman. My name is Elsa. FML

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By hcditfi5foygy

Today, my crush confessed their love for me, and I happily told them that I felt the same way. They looked uncomfortable, so I asked why. Apparently they'd been paid to prank me. FML

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By ameliaruth09 - United States - Milford

Today, while breast feeding my 7 month old before his nap, I hummed his favorite song as I rocked. He pulled away, stared at me, and cried til I shut up. FML

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By nootnoot - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, some people in my class here in New Zealand found out that I'm from Canada, then spent the rest of the period asking if I had a pet moose and whether or not I lived in an igloo. They were completely genuine questions. FML

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By :) - United States

Today, my parents yelled at me for 10 minutes without letting me get a word in edgeways for getting a 48 on my test. They took my phone, unplugged my internet, and took my car keys. They wouldn't listen no matter how many times I told them, "It was out of 50". It actually was. FML

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By Homeless - United States

Today, my fiancé and I toured our dream home. I was so excited about it that I posted all kinds of pictures of it on Facebook. My boss's daughter just called and said she loved my pictures so much she made an offer on the house. We were 1 week away from making an offer. FML

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By SebastianCT - United States - Tampa

Today, I learned that it's possible to get hit by a bird while bungee jumping. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2020 19:58

The art of seduction

Today, I took a bath and dressed in a skimpy lingerie. I sat on the couch for an hour and a half before giving up and putting on my boyfriend's old t shirt. It was then that he decided to comment. On the t shirt I was wearing. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while my teacher was in the middle of a lecture, I accidentally made it so my laptop would display everything upside down. It took me the rest of class to get it right side up again. FML

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By imustbegay - United States

Today, I was buying condoms for my girlfriend and myself. While at the checkout counter, my guy friend sees me, runs to me, puts his arm around me, kisses me on the cheek, then yells "Thank you baby!" There were about twenty people behind me, they all gave me dirty looks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my first speeding ticket. Looking it over, I was surprised to see that the officer listed my height accurately despite never having seen me standing. I complimented his uncanny ability and asked if it was part of police training. He then informed me that he read it on my license. FML

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By stillAvirgin:( - United States

Today, I purchased an app to track my period. When my mother asked me why I got it, I told her I was going to use it so I knew when to not go on a date because I don't want to be uncomfortable during a long movie. She slapped me in the face and called me a dirty prostitute and a liar. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ridge

Today, my wife complained that the coffee grounds I swept into the sink grossed her out. Yesterday, I removed several panty-liners from her soiled underwear before doing the laundry. FML

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By NJ <3 - United States

Today, while trying to prove a point to my mom, I learned that bird seed tastes better than her cooking. FML

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By lunarboy - United States

Today, I decided to watch some porn before bed. The lights were off and my roommate was already asleep behind me. I put on my noise-canceling headphones and turned up the volume all the way. After a few strokes my roommate got up and plugged in the headphones for me. FML

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By notaslut - United States - Greeley

Stay safe

Today, I walked into my best friend's house and her mom threw a box of condoms at me and said, "Stay safe, slut." FML

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By Ash - 13/12/2020 07:02 - United Kingdom

Sex ban

Today, my girlfriend got mad at me because I failed to notice I’ve been on a sex ban as punishment for upsetting her mother 3 weeks ago. Three weeks isn’t even our longest no sex period; we’ve gone months without sex before for no good reason, so is it any wonder I didn’t notice after only 3 weeks? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, my younger brother, who still lives in our parents' basement and has never held a job in his life, announced that his girlfriend is pregnant with their third child. I'm a college graduate living on my own and I've never even had sex. FML

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By Chels - United States

Today, the ex I still have feelings for made a post on Facebook announcing her two month anniversary with her boyfriend. She broke up with me less than two weeks ago. FML

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By emma_waters23 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I was walking my dog. A cute guy stopped me and said, "Wow, you are gorgeous!" I said thanks. He looked at me like I was nuts and said, "Not you, your dog." FML

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By slitherasssnape - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, in science class, I was bored and playing with a paper towel, dipping it into a container of water. When my teacher caught me and asked what I was doing, I panicked and said I was 'drying the water'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I felt a horrible pain while having sex with my wife, and I had to stop. I thought it was a hernia or something, but she called me a liar and accused me of everything from not finding her attractive, to me cheating on her. It turned out I had appendicitis. She still won't apologize. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after my check cleared for my half of the $1000 deposit on our new apartment. FML

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By kids

Today, my daughter was scared to go to the bathroom because she thought there was a person behind the shower curtain. There actually was a person behind the shower curtain. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southampton

WTF VHS?

Today, a teacher asked me to edit a video of her class. Unfamiliar with cameras that work with video tape, I accidentally recorded over her video. The footage is impossible for me to get back. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2020 20:02

Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to

Today, during a deep conversation with my girlfriend of 6 months, I asked her if the guy she had cheated on me once with a few months back had a bigger “tool” than me. She said yes. So I asked, "How much bigger are we talking about?" Her response was "Probably like twice the size." FML

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By Taco Hell - United States - Avon Lake

Today, I got threatened to get dragged out of the window at work because I wouldn't sell someone hot wings. I work at Taco Bell. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after lifting a 20 pound box of oranges for a woman at work, she turned around to say "Your acne needs help." I still had to tell her to have a good day. FML

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By militiousroflcopter - United States

Today, I had to catch a shuttle bus. I awoke to the sound of a car horn. I ran out in my boxers and saw a bus take off down the road. I chased it, thinking I had missed my bus. I realized I hadn't only when I saw frightened kids in the back of the bus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out through one of my friends that my boyfriend cheated on me. He says it doesn't count as cheating because he couldn't get it up. FML

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By supercharged - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I came back from a week-long vacation where I had no internet whatsoever. I turned on my phone to get notifications, hoping to see a message or two that I'd missed while gone. There was 1 notification, telling me how many FMLs were posted while I was away. FML

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By sarahijklmnop - United States - Louisville

Today, I started at my first job. Within the first five minutes of arriving, I was followed around by a white guy who repeatedly sang to me, "Black people love making music" along with a few of his own songs. It resulted in me getting fired for bringing my "boyfriend" to work. I didn't even know him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dublin

Today, I had to take my cat to the vet. On the way there, he managed to get out of his cage, climb into the front seat, onto my chest, and howl in my face as I tried to drive down the highway. I ended up with stitches and still got charged for missing my cat's appointment. FML

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By happyturtle - Croatia

Today, my friend told me she turned down a job as a babysitter because she didn't want to be secretly videotaped, as she knew the people had a nanny cam. I wasn't aware of this when I took that same job a few nights ago and asked my boyfriend to come by. We had sex on their couch. FML

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Top comments

By emeraldisle | 30

#5261855 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:01

It may seem mean to you but maybe he's trying to make you laugh and feel better. I know it would work on me.

By olpally | 32

#5261862 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:01

Awww, that's cute. Give him credit for having a sense of humor about your injury/condition and trying to cheer you up. he's a funny one. Lol :)

COMMENTS

By emeraldisle | 30

#5261855 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:01

It may seem mean to you but maybe he's trying to make you laugh and feel better. I know it would work on me.

Reply

cloud175 | 6

#5261883 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:06

Maybe he just finds Igor very, very attractive.

Reply

ConBroChilll | 9

#5262568 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 20:43

13- I really doubt anyone thinks something that fugly is attarctive.

Reply

cloud175 | 6

#5264627 - Thursday 20 December 2012 13:13

You're judgmental. Well, I'm sure Igor doesn't care about your opinion. He's sexy and he knows it.

By Welshite | 39

#5261857 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:01

Walk this way...this way!

Reply

Mikeskinner | 7

#5261866 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:02

I LOVE YOU

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5261948 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:24

*Sigh* *places you on the guillitine and pulls lever* That is what private messeges are for!

Reply

baadjujulady | 5

#5263065 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 23:20

hells ya lol :)

Reply

TorturedXeno | 27

#5263240 - Thursday 20 December 2012 0:10

Are you the apprentice of Erik the Flutemaker?

Reply

mariah_1_11 | 22

#5263643 - Thursday 20 December 2012 2:45

Call it a hunch! Bu bun chi

By olpally | 32

#5261862 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:01

Awww, that's cute. Give him credit for having a sense of humor about your injury/condition and trying to cheer you up. he's a funny one. Lol :)

By lostcrazydiamond | 10

#5261864 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:02

Isn't that a bit backwards? If you're Igor, why is he calling you master?

I'd take advantage of this situation. See how much he is willing to do for his "master."

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5261880 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:06

That is evil, but very awesome! :D

Reply

Michael87Jackson_fml | 10

#5263462 - Thursday 20 December 2012 1:00

He was imitating her.

By THobsession4 | 18

#5261868 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:02

That does suck, but he could be trying to be funny to make you less upset about it.

By ICastillo | 24

#5261869 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:03

Come on OP have a sense of humor. That is funny.

By jtthegr8 | 26

#5261871 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:03

It may seem mean but at least he isn't ignoring you or hitting you or something brutAl

Reply

CrookedCook | 14

#5262065 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 17:18

why would he hit her anyway?

Reply

howdeedoo | 22

#5262140 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 17:44

I think 8 is trying to say that it would be much worse if OP's fiancé was abusive. Instead, he has a sense of humor

Reply

siickman | 7

#5263504 - Thursday 20 December 2012 1:22

33, its like sunburns. People will take advantage and hit you because they find it funny that you are in pain. So at least the husband isnt hurting her weak areas and having a sense of humor about the whole thing.

By lilhellian | 26

#5261873 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:03

Aww it's kind of cute! It's funny.. :)

By LNK112 | 5

#5261875 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:04

At least he's comfortable enough to joke around with you like that!

Reply

subwaysurfers | 13

#5262074 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 17:21

They're planning on getting married. Why wouldn't they be comfortable around eachother?

Reply

LNK112 | 5

#5262609 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 21:04

Getting tired of ur bullshit subwaysurfers

Reply

subwaysurfers | 13

#5262611 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 21:06

Haha, I don't recall annoying you before.

By saidoh_fml | 26

#5261877 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:04

The fiancé may just want to lighten the mood a bit. As long as you're getting the help you need while you heal, don't sweat it Op. get well soon.