Today, I have a very uncomfortable cyst in my armpit and a sprained... - FML

By Igor - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have a very uncomfortable cyst in my armpit and a sprained ankle both on my right side, resulting in me limping and keeping my arm awkwardly plastered to my side. My fiancé keeps walking like me and calling me Igor, saying "Yes, Master" whenever I ask him for something. FML

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Proactive

And today, on Dr Phil…

Kick the bum out

By ponyboy - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she suspected me of cheating. She thought I was cheating because she caught me sneaking out in the middle of the night. I was sneaking out to plan my proposal to her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, I got into a fight with my sister. Later on she brought me a bowl of tortilla chips, which I thought was her way of apologizing. I found out too late that she'd licked the flavoring off them and it was really her way of saying "Fuck you." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I left to go home for Christmas holidays. I got 3 hours away and realised I forgot the presents. Along with the engagement ring I was going to give to my girlfriend. FML

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By nofooddrinkorsex - United States

Today, my wife and I had our brand new king-size mattress set delivered. After the delivery men left, she informed me that I was no longer allowed to eat or drink in bed. Oh yeah, and we're not having sex on it either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, Burger King gave me a moldy bun. I noticed 1/5 of the way through the sandwich. My compensation for ingesting mold? A coupon for half-off a Whopper. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, my professor told everyone that he thinks all med students should be required to get a catheter and an enema at least once in their lives so they can relate to their patients, saying, "Gentlemen, it might change your lives." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got so angry at losing in FIFA, I punched a hole in my wall and strained my back and neck doing it. Now I have to lie down on my back because it's too painful to move. FML

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By lebowski - United States

Today, my 5 year old brother wanted to look through my phone. I know he can't read so I gave it to him. He was, however, able to get at my "private" photo album. FML

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By Annoyed - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother told me she bought the same perfume that my boyfriend got me for Christmas last year. He loves that perfume. Now, whenever he smells me, he's going to think of his mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hollywood

Today, I joined a local interest website, hoping to make some friends in my area. I don't think I've ever met so many guys before who introduce themselves with pictures of their cocks. FML

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By aspiemeanswell - Germany - Rudolstadt

Today, my boyfriend gushed for several minutes about how amazing it is that I suddenly look hot when he takes his glasses off. FML

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By Brook - Australia - Sydney

Today, when my doctor told me I had symptoms of an STD, I had to repeatedly try to convince her I'm a 28-year-old virgin. Even as I left she still didn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Airy

Today, I once again had to tell one of my elderly patients not to grope me. He responded by throwing his bedpan at me. It was full. FML

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By UNmarried - United States

Today, I found some .pdf files on my wife's computer. They were forms that had been filled out except for the date and the "reason" section. They were divorce papers. When confronted about it she said, "Well, if you piss me off really bad, I want to write down why before I calm down." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to the location of me and my wife’s first date, because I miss her and barely get to see her because of our work schedules. Only to see her there on a date. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2020 02:00

Pampered

Today, I'm 25-years-old and I need to wear an adult diaper as I have lost my bladder control. FML

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By squirty_joe - United States

Today, at work, I was alone in the breakroom when I got a slight pain in my belly. I thought I needed to pass gas, so I tried since no one else was in there. It wasn't gas. It was diarrhea. I'm wearing a mini skirt today. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Richmond

Today, while going down on my girlfriend, she stopped moaning and told me to stop because she couldn't fake it anymore. FML

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By omfgitburns

Today, I had a plaster cast removed from my arm. After telling the nurse it felt like the saw was cutting my skin, she tells me there is no way that it could touch my skin and that I was being paranoid. She cracked open the cast. Burns, blisters and bleeding skin were revealed. FML

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By Chedder - United States

Today, I tried to keep a drunk girl from driving by holding her keys, she had a spare set in her purse. She hit me with her car when I was walking home. FML

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By quiet_screaming_ - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I learned I don't have a yeast infection. I have herpes. FML

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By Pat - 22/9/2020 04:01 - United States - Buffalo

New relations

Today, I found out my newly-divorced father is now going to marry my girlfriend's mother. Tough situation here. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2019 19:00 - United States

Landlords are scum

Today, I found out that my landlord is sleeping with my girlfriend, and he won’t let me out of my lease. FML

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By NoticeTheLackOfNumbers - United States

Today, I was at the store when I saw that a cart in the checkout line next to me was starting to roll away and the owner hadn't noticed. I tried to help by reaching out to stop the cart from moving, but when the owner saw me with the cart, she began to hit me for trying to steal her purse. FML

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By Nutty

Today, my girlfriend refused to have sex with me, because my underwear are Fruit of the Loom instead of Hanes. According to her, since all real men wear Hanes, I'm unfit to have sex with her because I wear Fruit of the Loom and am therefore not a man. FML

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By koanroak - United States - Carrollton

Today, while taking a slow night at my waitressing job, I thought I heard the sound of crying coming from the kitchen. I rushed in, thinking something terrible had happened. Nope, the bus boy was just watching porn on his phone with no headphones. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party dressed as a Pinata. Drunk people tried to hit me all night. FML

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By Anonyname - United Kingdom

Today, my husband and I announced at a family get-together that I'm pregnant with our fourth child. My dad sighed, and spent the rest of the evening acting moody and eventually muttering about how he'd raised a "damned brood mare." FML

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By cjbutterfly96 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy for the second time, and he was helping me buy a Christmas present for my dad. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and when I came out, he was gone. He left me alone and took my dad's present with him. FML

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By Nice guy finishing last.

Today, I saw a girl I have a crush on sitting on a fountain, away from everyone. I thought this would be the perfect time to make a move on her. I tapped her on the shoulder, which scared her. She nervously flenched and began to piss herself. FML

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By Sally

Today, after cleaning my house, I decided to treat myself with a glass of wine. I poured the wine, set it down, and came back just in time to see my cat push it off the table. I then yelled at her, which scared her so much she pissed on the carpet. FML

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By vansboy

Today, my family had a secret meeting on my "puberty issues." I'm 21. FML

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By pinecones - United Kingdom

Today, my coworker said that she suddenly got the shivers. I jokingly told her that it meant she must be being watched by a dead person and made stupid ghost noises. She then told me it was the anniversary of her dad's death and burst into tears. FML

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By Starchyld - Canada

Today, I went on blind date with a guy because both our moms thought we'd like eachother. Things were going really well until I got up to go to the bathroom and he says: "My mom was right, you do have perfect breedin' hips!" FML

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By well fuck!

Today, I was grocery shopping with my kids. As I was buckling them into their car seats, two men jumped out of a truck, hoisted my cart and sped off. According to security, this has become a regular occurrence at the store. My entire month of groceries gone in seconds. FML

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By Awkward - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to meet his friends at one of his exclusive "clubs." Expecting it to be his old friends from college, I agreed to go. Apparently, I've been dating a member of the Ku Klux Klan for 2 years. FML

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By evomadrid24 - United States

Today, I had to be an observer for a drug test at work. Me and two others got to watch 130 guys take a piss, and then leave work two hours later than everyone else. FML

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By Oh really - Australia

Today, my friend mentioned a book that reminded her of me. When I asked what it was called she said, "He's just not that into you". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my roommate's pets conspired against me. "The dog ate my homework" has apparently become too clichéd for them. The new excuses are, "My cat chewed through my laptop power cable" and "the gecko ate my pen drive." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Daytona Beach

Today, a guy called customer support, claiming his internet wasn't working. I asked for his customer details, and he gave his name as Mike Hunt. I recognized the old joke, called him an idiot, and hung up on him. It turned out that was his real name. I'm now on suspension. FML

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Top comments

By emeraldisle | 30

#5261855 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:01

It may seem mean to you but maybe he's trying to make you laugh and feel better. I know it would work on me.

By olpally | 32

#5261862 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:01

Awww, that's cute. Give him credit for having a sense of humor about your injury/condition and trying to cheer you up. he's a funny one. Lol :)

COMMENTS

By emeraldisle | 30

#5261855 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:01

It may seem mean to you but maybe he's trying to make you laugh and feel better. I know it would work on me.

Reply

cloud175 | 6

#5261883 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:06

Maybe he just finds Igor very, very attractive.

Reply

ConBroChilll | 9

#5262568 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 20:43

13- I really doubt anyone thinks something that fugly is attarctive.

Reply

cloud175 | 6

#5264627 - Thursday 20 December 2012 13:13

You're judgmental. Well, I'm sure Igor doesn't care about your opinion. He's sexy and he knows it.

By Welshite | 39

#5261857 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:01

Walk this way...this way!

Reply

Mikeskinner | 7

#5261866 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:02

I LOVE YOU

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5261948 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:24

*Sigh* *places you on the guillitine and pulls lever* That is what private messeges are for!

Reply

baadjujulady | 5

#5263065 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 23:20

hells ya lol :)

Reply

TorturedXeno | 27

#5263240 - Thursday 20 December 2012 0:10

Are you the apprentice of Erik the Flutemaker?

Reply

mariah_1_11 | 22

#5263643 - Thursday 20 December 2012 2:45

Call it a hunch! Bu bun chi

By olpally | 32

#5261862 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:01

Awww, that's cute. Give him credit for having a sense of humor about your injury/condition and trying to cheer you up. he's a funny one. Lol :)

By lostcrazydiamond | 10

#5261864 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:02

Isn't that a bit backwards? If you're Igor, why is he calling you master?

I'd take advantage of this situation. See how much he is willing to do for his "master."

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5261880 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:06

That is evil, but very awesome! :D

Reply

Michael87Jackson_fml | 10

#5263462 - Thursday 20 December 2012 1:00

He was imitating her.

By THobsession4 | 18

#5261868 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:02

That does suck, but he could be trying to be funny to make you less upset about it.

By ICastillo | 24

#5261869 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:03

Come on OP have a sense of humor. That is funny.

By jtthegr8 | 26

#5261871 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:03

It may seem mean but at least he isn't ignoring you or hitting you or something brutAl

Reply

CrookedCook | 14

#5262065 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 17:18

why would he hit her anyway?

Reply

howdeedoo | 22

#5262140 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 17:44

I think 8 is trying to say that it would be much worse if OP's fiancé was abusive. Instead, he has a sense of humor

Reply

siickman | 7

#5263504 - Thursday 20 December 2012 1:22

33, its like sunburns. People will take advantage and hit you because they find it funny that you are in pain. So at least the husband isnt hurting her weak areas and having a sense of humor about the whole thing.

By lilhellian | 26

#5261873 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:03

Aww it's kind of cute! It's funny.. :)

By LNK112 | 5

#5261875 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:04

At least he's comfortable enough to joke around with you like that!

Reply

subwaysurfers | 13

#5262074 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 17:21

They're planning on getting married. Why wouldn't they be comfortable around eachother?

Reply

LNK112 | 5

#5262609 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 21:04

Getting tired of ur bullshit subwaysurfers

Reply

subwaysurfers | 13

#5262611 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 21:06

Haha, I don't recall annoying you before.

By saidoh_fml | 26

#5261877 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 16:04

The fiancé may just want to lighten the mood a bit. As long as you're getting the help you need while you heal, don't sweat it Op. get well soon.