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By shanxi - 23/05/2012 18:47 - United States

Today, I was discharged from the hospital after having scrotal surgery. When I got home, the anesthetic had worn off, but I felt okay. Then my dog jumped up at me, paws slamming straight into my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 698

You deserved it 2 518

By Razi_tail - 25/06/2014 04:13 - United States - Nixa

Today, I lost my dog while hiking. After searching the trails for an hour and a half, he was by the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 476

You deserved it 8 566

Razi_tail tells us more.

Razi_tail 25

Thursday 26 June 2014 5:15

I figured one of two things would happen: 1. He was in the same area we got separated or 2. He went back to the car. I chose to search the first option before getting a phone call that somebody found my dog. He has 3 ways to id him: dog park tag, name tag, and microchipped. It was the park tag that somebody had called on.

Neighbours from hell

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Oakville

Today, my new neighbours moved in. I've neither seen nor spoken to them yet; all I know is that they enjoy hammering at the walls for hours on end and repeatedly setting off the fire alarm. All this in the small hours of the morning. I got two hours of sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 489

You deserved it 2 084

By Anonymous - 01/09/2010 14:41 - Germany

Today, after almost a week of being bed-ridden with a bad flu, my mom told me it was my job to clean the house. When I told her I still had a fever and didn't feel well, she looked at me and said in an understanding voice "It's okay honey, you can do it slowly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 922

You deserved it 5 167

By displeased - 05/04/2012 06:47 - United States - Candler

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is afraid of female orgasms. Right as I was about to climax, he panicked, pulled out, and ran into the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 842

You deserved it 3 573

By WildaRora - 14/03/2013 07:19 - Australia

Today, I picked up my new car. The dealer offered to connect my iPhone to the Bluetooth system for me. Once connected it automatically started playing the audiobook I had been listening to over the stereo system. Right on a passage which had an extremely graphic description of anal sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 301

You deserved it 19 062

WildaRora tells us more.

WildaRora 43

Thursday 14 March 2013 14:56

Hi guys, OP here. The dealer was femalel, I doubt she was older than 25 and we managed to laugh it off. After me nearly dying from embarrassment she actually asked what the book was. And no, it wasn't 50 Shades of Grey. It was not just the description of the act that was so bad, it was the moans and groans that the narrator put along with it. It sounded like really bad **** - not that I know what that sounds like! Thing is I was shocked when it came up in the audiobook, which is why it was stopped at that part. Later on I listened to the rest of it and boy was I glad that I managed to stop it when I did. I am really thankful that I found out about this feature before I took my parents for a drive.

PMS

By unappreciated husband - 28/03/2014 21:43 - United States - Pullman

Today, my wife got her period. Every single time, she ends up asking me to go buy her some Midol after a few days of trying to tough it out, so I decided to buy her some ahead of time. She reacted by yelling at me for treating her like a child and implying that she couldn't go buy it herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 076

You deserved it 5 112

Ski me to heaven

By Frostbitten - 27/02/2013 03:00 - United States - Freeport

Today, I was sitting on the chair-lift on a ski trip. There was a shift in gears and the metal in the seat began to vibrate. My dad, sister, and step-mom were all on the lift with me, not feeling a thing. It's terribly awkward to converse with your family while you involuntarily orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 379

You deserved it 6 136

By whattabrat - 26/02/2012 05:16 - Canada

Today, I was babysitting. Everything was going well until the kid called 911 on me for making him eat his vegetables. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 118

You deserved it 3 309

By Rob - 18/12/2013 17:47 - United States - Franklin

Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 420

You deserved it 17 023

By Anonymous - 08/08/2009 11:49 - United States

Today, I woke up in my friend's living room after our sleepover. I heard her hot older brother and his friends in the kitchen. Feeling confident, I exposed my midriff a little bit just to give them a peek. They groaned and threw a blanket over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 885

You deserved it 64 862

Odd behavior

By Anon - 05/01/2012 02:21 - United States

Today, after months of dating, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to take things to the next level. He told me that he couldn't have sex with me because of his religious beliefs. I would've been fine with this if it weren't for the fact that I know he and his family are all atheists. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 495

You deserved it 4 680

By Anonymous - 13/12/2014 20:21 - United States

Today, after months of saving, I went to buy the wedding ring I promised to buy my fiancée. Just seconds after I walked in, the owner asked me to leave, saying he doesn't serve "trash" like me, while pointing at the memorial tattoo on the back of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 901

You deserved it 3 761

By JMG - 19/08/2012 05:25 - United States

Today, at the water park, my grandmother's boob slipped out. Every time I close my eyes, I see her dangling breast in my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 308

You deserved it 2 908

By jj4320 - 17/09/2011 08:37 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for distracted driving. Not for cell phone use but for nose picking and inspecting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 671

You deserved it 41 046

By panicked headaches - 07/12/2015 19:04 - United States - East Lansing

Today, I started taking my anxiety meds. Without them I can't function because I'm constantly fighting off panic attacks, but with them I can't function because I get crippling headaches and heartburn and feel tired all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 442

You deserved it 2 086

Timing

By kay_jay1819 - 19/11/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had great sex and afterward decided to take a shower together. He left the room to get some towels, so I went to the bathroom and wait. I walked out of his room wearing nothing but a thong and ran into his mom who had come home from work early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 024

You deserved it 33 531

By swmmr - 07/08/2011 19:41 - United States

Today, my dad suggested that as an alternative to buying me new school clothes that actually fit, I should just join the swim team, lose some weight, and wear my stuff from last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 479

You deserved it 14 112

Shark Week

By sharkboy - 11/06/2012 02:33 - United States - Honolulu

Today, while at the beach, as a joke, I told my girlfriend that I was a shark. She then poked my eyes and punched me in the nose. When I started to get mad, she just shrugged and asked, "What? You're the one that wanted to be a shark. Don't you watch Shark Week?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 927

You deserved it 31 311

Fight Club

By MyFaceHurts - 03/08/2010 10:40 - United States

Today, while at a local bar, my friends and I were approached by an overly intoxicated man who asked us each politely if we wanted to fight. Thinking it was a joke, I said yes. It wasn't a joke, I now have a broken nose and a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 861

You deserved it 55 567

By Ugly - 08/03/2009 08:47 - United States

Today, I was looking at some comments on a silly YouTube video of me dancing with some friends. Someone posted a comment saying "Girl on the right is hot!!!." Next to that, it had about 31 thumbs down. I'm the girl on the right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 542

You deserved it 10 062

By Honey Badger - 08/03/2012 05:47 - United States

Today, I was at a meeting. One of the other members decided to share that their cat had passed away recently. I got an uncontrollable nervous laugh, started crying because I was laughing so hard, and left the room while everyone watched in horror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 763

You deserved it 23 127

By Anonymous - 13/01/2012 22:58 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law moved into my wife's two-bedroom apartment. She's quite possibly the reincarnation of Hitler himself, and she'll be staying until this time next year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 644

You deserved it 2 505

By Rach - 20/02/2010 13:58 - Ireland

Today, I saw my crush standing at the bus stop. I did the "I'm talking to someone on the phone thing," trying to be cool. Halfway through the conversation my phone actually rang, I quickly answered but it was my mom on loudspeaker yelling, "Did you bring your tampons?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 126

You deserved it 40 847

Stay away!

By Anonymous - 19/01/2011 03:08 - Singapore

Today, my sister used my mobile phone to call her boyfriend, who is married with children. His wife found my number on his phone and thought that I'm my sister. Since then, she has been calling me non-stop, calling me a "prostitute" each time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 232

You deserved it 5 457

By Anonymous - 21/09/2011 13:17 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, and started to climb on top of him sexily. He blurted out, "Oh my god, you're like that girl from The Ring." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 802

You deserved it 6 220

By leeceetaylor99 - 15/07/2013 16:47 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and my best friend making out. She claimed he was just tasting her lipstick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 915

You deserved it 3 900

Cheeky

By Jane - 07/12/2009 10:33 - United States

Today, I found out the weekly coffee talks my husband was having with his ex-girlfriend stopped involving coffee about 2 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 903

You deserved it 21 377

By GlassJAwkidE - 29/10/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I learned there is a taste difference between grabbing a glass of milk that has been sitting on your night table for a week and the one you put on there 3 minutes before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 046

You deserved it 64 399

By metalwolf - 20/04/2012 08:56 - United States

Today, driving home, I got bored and started debating how I know this is reality and not just a dream, even though dreams often seem real. The answer came quickly; in my dreams, I work normal hours and have time for things like hanging out with friends, and having a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 196

You deserved it 3 903

metalwolf tells us more.

metalwolf 17

Friday 20 April 2012 19:08

The problem isn't really organizing my time. Ideally I would like to get to sleep right when I get home and wake up in the early afternoon, but usually I fall asleep in the afternoon and wake up just a bit before I need to go to work again. Speaking of, I should be asleep right now.