The Top

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Bored

By V.. - 08/11/2020 20:58 - South Africa

Today, I still have no idea why I got married. All my wife does is drink Coke and watch TV. Perhaps the silver lining is that she's not doing coke in powder form. FML

I agree, your life sucks 831

You deserved it 373

By UnluckyEMT - 27/12/2018 14:00

Today, someone I've been crushing on admitted they're attracted to me too. We hooked up, but now she says we can't date because she is already dating someone. I feel terrible for them, and now know she isn't the kind of person I thought she was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 811

You deserved it 496

By Pixie - 15/02/2017 03:00 - United States - Mckenna

Today, I was asked if the reason I didn't like the new male massage therapist was because I was no longer the most muscular person in the spa. I'm a 5'4 woman and I don't work out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 903

You deserved it 544

Reported and blocked

By Me. - 16/10/2024 23:00 - United States

Today, I got fired as a waiter because I refused to serve alcohol to a pregnant woman and she reported me. Turns out she's not pregnant, she's just a fat Karen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 176

You deserved it 1 042

By Anonymous - 04/04/2019 00:00

Today, my roommate served me with a two-week’s notice to vacate the apartment, the day before I leave for 10 days of working in a completely different city 150 miles away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 131

You deserved it 197

Compression wars

By Guido - 09/03/2022 18:00

Today, I was written up and banned from playing my songs at the office. Turns out that my other workmates snitched on me because I was playing '90s rock and pop, which was stressing them out somehow. Of course, the burnout I had from listening to three straight hours of tacky Reggaeton music didn't matter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 926

You deserved it 198

Ouch

By kb123 - 05/05/2019 20:00

Today, I'm visiting my wife's home country for the first time. To avoid the spicy street food, I bought something labelled "Fruit salad" from a street vendor. I didn't know even Pakistani fruit salad can be very spicy too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 954

You deserved it 367

By Duellist - 13/04/2017 02:00

Today, someone in Fedex typo'd "KZ" for "NZ" and sent our fencing weapons to Kazakhstan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 480

You deserved it 267

By RichardPencil - 07/10/2016 10:32 - United States

Today, I thought everyone was smiling at me because they liked my "skateboarding behind a police motorcycle" prank. Turns out, they all saw the open sewer manhole 10 metres ahead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 804

You deserved it 278

Hot take review just in

By Anonymous - 15/03/2022 10:00

Today, after nearly three hours of watching the new Batman movie, I realized that the film was a waste of time and moments of my life that I will never get back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 346

You deserved it 1 066

Cool moves

By Anonymous - 21/01/2021 23:01

Today, I tried pouring water on myself like in Coyote Ugly to the song "Pour Some Sugar On Me." I ended up waterboarding myself and I didn’t stop until the pitcher was done. I felt like I was drowning the whole time, and my partner knew from the choking sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 303

You deserved it 1 682

By 530gangsta - 25/04/2017 16:00

Today, while having sex I managed to chip my tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 341

You deserved it 434

By Anonymous - 21/05/2019 12:00

Today, while volunteering at my local library, a guy who smelled like crap followed me around all day. Every time I would bend over to shelf a book, he would start grunting. Apparently, he's going to be at the library every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 968

You deserved it 110

Puppy love

By Lovesick - 30/01/2021 01:58 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my husband is furious because I accused him of being in love with my best friend. He talks about her constantly, perks up like a puppy when she comes over, and occasionally only gets erections if I talk about her. Even the kids have noticed how moonstruck he is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 895

You deserved it 165

By Loved - 25/05/2019 16:15

Today, my boyfriend bought me an engagement ring. It turned out to be the wrong size and we had to return it, since the store said it couldn't be re-sized. As we headed home, I felt guilty, so I turned to him and apologized. His response? "It's OK honey, I didn't really want to marry you that much anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 638

You deserved it 216

Am I hired?

By Genius - 25/06/2019 14:00

Today, I went to my fifth job interview in a month. While going over my CV, I found a watermark on the bottom of my cover letter that said it was generated by a template website. Yep, I gave all previous interviewers the same cover letter, with the same watermark. Can't wait to hear back! FML

I agree, your life sucks 737

You deserved it 1 938

Nice…

By MexyBoy - 11/06/2019 16:08

Today, I wanted to do something nice for my mom. So, while she was sleeping, I cleaned the whole house for her and even made her breakfast. A few minutes later, she came downstairs and yelled at me to keep it down because she was trying to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 924

You deserved it 307

By Anonymous - 03/07/2019 20:02

Today, my brother has two broken arms and needs help wiping his own ass. Bonus, he has bad diarrhoea from the food poisoning he got from the shrimp he made me hand-feed him yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 976

You deserved it 187

Demon spawn

By Anonymous - 29/05/2022 06:00

Today, my son's head teacher yelled down the phone at me, “I’m sorry but this is the last straw, Take him home now or I’m calling the police to remove him.” He’s 9 and this will be his sixth expulsion in 4 years, and we have no idea what caused this behaviour. He behaved just fine up to 4 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 840

You deserved it 438

By Anonymous - 17/07/2019 16:09

Today, I was using a disabled toilet. I'm disabled partly because of spinal problems. While I was doing my business, the whole toilet fell to the floor, leaving me sitting in a puddle of my own urine and smashed porcelain, with even more spinal problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 514

You deserved it 114

By darknight - 21/07/2019 02:03

Today, I found out that pretending to be a bum begging for money can get you stuck in a jail cell for a few hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 543

You deserved it 3 961

Haggling wars

By Jules - 05/09/2023 04:00 - Germany

Today, at the grocery store, the scanner at the register gave a higher price for a product than the price tag on the shelf. Apparently I was the one being unreasonable for insisting to pay the price advertised on the shelf, and not some secret price they never told me about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 724

You deserved it 117

Missed opportunities

By Gail - 05/04/2021 00:30

Today, I told my wife I walked away from a £5000 bet I had a good chance at winning, because I refused to embarrass myself in public. She responded with a Star Trek reference, "Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack, rule of acquisition 109." My god, I married a heartless nerd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 379

You deserved it 1 241

He's too old for this noise

By Anonymous - 22/09/2023 22:00

Today, my son was crying and my dad's way of helping was to go to the pub for an hour, then come back after my son had cried himself to sleep. I’d have kicked him out but he does a lot of other things around here, and I couldn’t cope without him. It doesn’t stop him being an insensitive prick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 260

You deserved it 915

Time flies

By Anonymous - 06/07/2022 22:00

Today, my husband asked if we could have more sex, because we spend every day together, but if he wanted celibacy, he’d have stayed single and spent time with his friends. He then pulled out a diary proving we’ve only had sex twice this year. I was completely unaware it was so infrequent. Whoops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 420

You deserved it 2 491

Karma

By anon - 10/10/2023 10:00

Today, to get my coworker fired, I spiked his coffee with whiskey. Joke's on me, he's apparently enough of a drunk that it didn't affect him. Then I dropped the bottle as I was leaving for the day, cut up my ankle, and I'm now suspended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 2 189

Carl Tuckson

By Anonymous - 30/04/2021 20:04

Today, and until today, I'd never met anyone who took Tucker Carlson's bullshit seriously. Then, tonight, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. I managed to bite my tongue, but… FML

I agree, your life sucks 866

You deserved it 336

Poor Mickey

By oh, good - 15/09/2019 02:02 - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, my cat was looking a little peaky. After craning my neck to check for lumps under his chin, he felt this was the perfect time to throw up a half-digested mouse onto my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 620

You deserved it 270

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 05/06/2021 08:00

Today, my mom walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. Later, police turned up because mom thought she was underage. I had to desperately prove to some very angry officers that I met my girlfriend at university, and she’s almost a year older than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 410

You deserved it 195

Halloween, the long wait

By androidjezus - 03/11/2019 18:30

Today, I asked my girlfriend to get a bunch of candy for our first Halloween at our new house, so she got $60 worth. We got into an argument about who was going to give it out. It’s now 9 p.m. No one came to our door all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 795

You deserved it 491

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The Top

Today, my son and his friends were gaming in his room when I thought I'd use a word I recently discovered online. I said, "Hey, this is all very poggers." My son sighed and said, "How do you do, fellow kids?" I got Steve Buscemi-ed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 279

You deserved it 1 091

Today, my boyfriend and I were on the phone. He started talking dirty, and saying how horny he was, etc. So I decided to play along and said, "I want you to picture me naked, baby." All of a sudden I heard a huge sigh. He responded, "Ew, that just killed it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 044

You deserved it 12 740

Today, my new job isn't all I expected it to be. It's become clear that the previous girl didn't do her job for 6 months, which means that the international CEOs have gotten involved, and I'm the lucky winner of an in-depth internal audit as a result. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 623

You deserved it 432

Today, my laziness reached a whole new level when I caught myself skipping the longer FML stories to read the shorter ones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 497

You deserved it 13 828

Today, I decided to see if electric dog collars work on human necks. They do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 726

You deserved it 119 084

Today, I was riding in the car with my boyfriend. While he was driving, I held out my hand as an offer for him to hold it. Instead, he grabs me by the wrist and shoves my hand down his pants. Lovely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 738

You deserved it 19 403