Freudian slip

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 92

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 1 259

Freudian slip

By stupid me - 28/10/2020 06:02

Today, while hugging my sister's husband, I accidentally let out a "Mmm…" sound in front my whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 385

You deserved it 995

Another great day to be alive

Commando

Sounds like a catch

09/04/2012 15:22

Today, after being filled with joy after seeing my very elderly cat finally enjoying the sun in my garden, I skipped over to give her a hug. Turns out she was taking a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 828

You deserved it 9 202

16/05/2019 16:02

Today, I got married to the love of my life, with whom I've been with for 5 years. It's also one of the 3 times a year where he's got so drunk that, instead of puking in the bed like last time, he puked all over the side of my car while I was driving us home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 499

You deserved it 331

Randy Mandy

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 23:01

Today, I was eating lunch with my grandmother when a very muscular young man entered the restaurant. As soon as he walked in, my 70-year-old widowed grandmother looked at him and said, out loud, "Ooh, eye candy!" Everyone in the restaurant began staring at us, and the poor guy's face was red as a tomato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 908

You deserved it 95

04/04/2014 14:17

Today, while showering, I pulled on my white exfoliating gloves ready to wash my face. As I was about to use them, a dark stain caught my eye so I sniffed the mark only to discover it was poo. After further investigation, I find out my younger sister had been wearing them and 'experimenting'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 247

You deserved it 4 514

06/08/2011 06:05

Today, I found out my ex is applying for a job at my current company. She may be my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 521

You deserved it 3 796

08/05/2016 19:12

Today, after spending $120 to have a bouquet of flowers delivered to my mom, she called to complain that I had forgotten about her for Mother's day, but also praise my sister for apparently receiving my flowers I sent at the door and passing them off as hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 609

You deserved it 902

13/05/2014 23:46

Today, I flexed so hard for a selfie, I gave myself a hernia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 606

You deserved it 70 726

11/04/2014 14:51

Today, I went to a veterans' reunion party with my grandpa. While there, a guy started yelling at me for having an unapproved haircut. It was my grandpa's old drill sergeant, and he thought I was in the army too. Everyone just smirked as he forced me to drop and do push-ups. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 381

You deserved it 5 846

09/05/2012 02:05

Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 433

You deserved it 3 609

07/09/2013 22:22

Today, my friend asked if she could come over to my place. Since it's my birthday tomorrow, I said sure. Turns out she just wants to copy all my notes for our upcoming exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 481

You deserved it 3 878

02/08/2010 01:59

Today, I pretended to go for a run to impress someone on AIM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 183

You deserved it 38 927

06/07/2012 17:11

Today, I had eight teeth removed in preparation for getting my braces fitted. My winter break will now consists of barely being able to sleep or eat, tasting blood, and looking like a goofy-ass chipmunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 105

You deserved it 2 450

13/10/2017 01:30

Today, I met my favourite singer, but when she signed my CD, the marker was out of ink. By the time I realised there was no signature, she was already gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 090

You deserved it 385

09/09/2011 23:48

Today, I found out that the man who offered to put up the woman I love in exchange for me helping out with his rent, has in fact been her "other" boyfriend since before she moved in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 568

You deserved it 4 444

23/04/2015 12:28

Today, it was my 18th birthday and I was told I couldn't get the night off work because a party of 34 had booked into the restaurant. It turned out my family had come in to 'celebrate' by making me wait on them. They were a nightmare, thought it was hilarious to be difficult, and didn't tip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 296

You deserved it 2 803

12/08/2011 05:33

Today, my boyfriend found out that if guys eat fruit often, their sperm will taste better. He bought a can of fruit for himself to eat, and said that he bought it just for me. This is the most romantic thing he's ever done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 253

You deserved it 7 832

05/05/2009 14:17

Today, a hot girl got into the elevator just as I took a bite out of my Three Musketeers bar. I instinctively smiled at her and chocolate drool poured out of my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 349

You deserved it 59 607

22/02/2010 05:17

Today, I had one of the worst first dates of my life. After leaving the restaurant early, we went to a party to try and salvage the night. My date then got wasted, ended up puking in the back seat of my car on the way home, then lied about it. My night ended with me cleaning vomit out of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 471

You deserved it 3 762

17/06/2011 11:06

Today, I woke up to NYPD detectives banging on my door with flashlights, looking for some criminal who used to live in my house. Apparently, when they showed the man's mugshot to my neighbors upstairs, for some reason they identified the man as my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 569

You deserved it 3 005

09/06/2014 21:20

Today, I went to work in my best outfit for the big corporate party we were having later in the day. When I arrived, my boss said, "You missed one hell of a party yesterday!" Shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 661

You deserved it 10 848

07/03/2013 11:51

Today, I went to the store for a warranty claim on my prescription glasses due to little spots that had appeared on the lenses, covering both. It took 2 seconds for the employee to determine that it was hairspray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 526

You deserved it 43 657

05/03/2016 06:58

Today, I introduced my kind and amazing Iranian boyfriend to my mother. When he went to use the rest room, she warned me to "knock it off with this Bin Laden fetish" or she'll have me put on psychiatric hold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 804

You deserved it 3 121

02/04/2017 16:00

Today, I confronted my lousy, loud, messy neighbors about the trash they throw in my yard. They responded by throwing my trash in their yard, then called the police to report me for vandalism and illegal dumping when I returned their trash. Guess who has a court appearance in two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 717

You deserved it 395

30/09/2015 05:26

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 3 years what he thought about marriage in the future. "Who knows? We might meet other people soon." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 137

You deserved it 2 404

14/01/2010 15:55

Today, while at work at a maternity and baby clothes store, I was supposed to send out an email about our "Beat the Clock" sale. After it was sent to over 500 people, I realized that I'd misspelled the subject line. It read, "Beat the Cock Sale." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 750

You deserved it 33 002

Down!

By Imnotfromhere - 23/07/2021 22:01

Today, I tripped over a dog and broke my elbow. I'm stuck dogsitting for the rest of the weekend and he won't stop jumping up at my broken arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 803

You deserved it 73

11/03/2009 02:53

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in our relationship and it was great. He drove me back to my house and walked me to the door, then instead of kissing me goodbye he patted me on the back. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 113 694

You deserved it 10 229

Reverse Uno card

By BlackCheetah101 - 04/11/2009 06:51

Today, I had a blind date that my friend set me up for. My date was the ugliest, most disgusting person you will ever meet, but I thought that I would give him a chance. He saw me, eyed me up and down, then said to my friend, "You're kidding, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 362

You deserved it 9 873

02/11/2015 04:22

Today, I was upstairs with my wife when I heard my cat scream from the porch downstairs. I ran down to find her "puffed up" and growling on the floor, and a corner of the screen next to the door busted out. I still have no idea what caused it and my wife is now afraid to go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 947

You deserved it 1 677

09/10/2013 05:21

Today, I asked my friend to crop me out of her profile picture on Facebook because I look terrible in it. She responded that she wasn't going to, because it made her look better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 810

You deserved it 5 481

Judgmental

By Anonymous - 29/01/2021 11:01

Today, I just had an argument with my father. He claimed that if a woman is covered in tattoos, it's quite clear that she's a whore. He said so in front of my girlfriend, who has tattoos all over her arms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 191

You deserved it 150

26/07/2014 15:50

Today, I went to the mall. A little girl was walking around and telling everyone that they were pretty. When she got to me, she gave me a disgusted look and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 468

You deserved it 4 981

03/11/2015 03:55

Today, I figured out why my 'best friend' hasn't talked to me in weeks. She assumed an FML post she read was about her. It was posted in 2009. I met her last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 853

You deserved it 1 735

30/03/2017 16:00

Today, I now know why my new jeans are so comfy. They're maternity jeans. I thought the soft elastic in front was just for added comfort. Apparently, I need to lose some weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 103

You deserved it 1 245

27/10/2009 21:57

Today, my boyfriend was reaching over to give me a hug for no reason. I said "Aww, You're sweet! I love you too!" He looked confused and said, "That's great, but I was reaching for the remote." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 301

You deserved it 6 551

16/03/2016 16:21

Today, I'm seven months pregnant and going to college. I had to use the bathroom, but all of the bathrooms at my building were closed, so I had to walk to the next building, a block away. I didn't make it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 771

You deserved it 2 033

28/12/2009 20:41

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of two years over the phone, I recieved a knock on my door. It was my now ex-girlfriend who came to seek revenge by shooting me in the balls with a paintball gun at about a three foot range. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 815

You deserved it 57 511

16/11/2014 05:29

Today, my husband and I told my parents I was pregnant with my first child. The only thing my father did was look at my husband and tell him his pull out game was weak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 137

You deserved it 4 220

Don't push me 'cause I'm close to the edge, I'm trying not to lose my head

By Anonymous - 08/07/2021 21:01

Today, and since I found out that I'm pregnant, I've been sober. I used to smoke weed to help with me depression and anxiety, but now I can't even take prescription medicine for it. I'm about to throw hands at this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 822

You deserved it 312

08/04/2009 05:18

Today, while getting my hair done, I was annoyed that the beautician was not paying attention while straightening my hair. After asking her three times to watch what she was doing, I grabbed the iron and said "let me do it, you're going to burn me!". I then burned two layers of skin off my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 720

You deserved it 113 059

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Top comments

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 28 October 2020 6:19

Hey, now he knows he's got options.

rotflqtms_ 20

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Wednesday 28 October 2020 13:40

Maybe it's time to stop hugging your sister's husband... before hugging turns into him accidentally "slipping" into you one day...

Comments

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Wednesday 28 October 2020 6:19

Hey, now he knows he's got options.

rotflqtms_ 20

Send a private message

Wednesday 28 October 2020 13:40

Maybe it's time to stop hugging your sister's husband... before hugging turns into him accidentally "slipping" into you one day...

TeacherTeem 20

Send a private message

Saturday 31 October 2020 15:24

THIS ! This is what FML was created for !