The Top

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By Sissyleemae - 16/09/2018 14:30

Today, I got fired from my job for stopping a shoplifter. Where's the logic? FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 069

You deserved it 344

True crime addict

By Anonymous - 27/01/2017 01:30 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I can remember dozens of serial killers, their victims, the way they killed, the length of their prison sentences, and anything else about them, but nothing related to my upcoming science test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 874

You deserved it 1 997

Backtrack

By Trollface - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, while cuddling in bed, I tried to tell my girlfriend she was cute. It came out as, "I wish you were cuter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 630

You deserved it 4 065

By I'm so sorry... - 01/03/2017 16:00

Today, a coworker left a chocolate cake on the "free food" table in the office. I had a slice. She's just called to ask if she left her grandmother's birthday cake at work. She made it from scratch. Now I'm baking a new cake in the office kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 709

You deserved it 1 542

By lilycollins - 16/09/2013 04:28 - Morocco - Casablanca

Today, my boyfriend diagnosed me with scoliosis. During doggystyle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 822

You deserved it 91

Never again

By Anonymous - 05/05/2017 02:00

Today, I had to pick up my brother and his girlfriend from the bar at 2:00am because they were too drunk to drive themselves and had no money for an Uber. Five minutes into the ride, they started going at it in the back of my car. I don't think I'll be doing favors again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 721

You deserved it 537

Canceled

By gonnabeunemployed - 08/12/2016 21:33

Today, I got a call from the only company that asked me to come in for an interview of the many applications I submitted. I answered it even though I was at my current job. My boss heard and chewed me out. The call was to cancel the interview since the position was filled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 116

You deserved it 1 755

By beetregeneration - 16/11/2016 23:47 - United States - Stockton

Today, I was walking to a bathroom on campus before class when my professor walked in behind me. There were two urinals in the bathroom, we walked right up next to each other and unzipped our pants in unison. It became so awkward for me, I actually said out loud, "Nope, too awkward" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 487

You deserved it 1 681

Don't go

By Paulshaun1 - 06/10/2016 13:38 - United Kingdom - Luton

Today, my mother told me she thinks it is time for me to move into my own place. I agreed with her and went to look at studios/flats online. She later came into my room, saw me looking at places and then got pissed off at me, saying that I hate her for wanting to leave her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 300

You deserved it 700

Great plan. Solid.

By Monagro - 14/09/2017 07:00 - United States - New York

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me to propose by telling me that the sooner we get married, the sooner she'll get pregnant and hence the sooner we can eat the placenta. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 097

You deserved it 394

He tried.

By Anonymous - 09/11/2017 05:00

Today, I rejected a girl I work with because I have a girlfriend. That girl then posted on Facebook that she'd friendzoned me for being creepy. My girlfriend saw the post, believed it, and dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 996

You deserved it 298

Pick your moments, dude!

By Anonymous - 11/10/2019 00:01

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a romantic night. As we were having sex, he decided to say, "Look mom, no hands!" and it totally ruined the mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 932

You deserved it 354

TMI

By Autumn - 18/12/2017 01:30

Today, while discussing my vegetable garden, my father's new girlfriend announced that she loves vegetables in the bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 352

You deserved it 425

Maternal monitoring

By Mils - 26/11/2019 03:00 - Australia - Blackburn

Today, I learned the hard way that my parents leave the baby monitor in my room when my boyfriend stays over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 309

You deserved it 927

By Al - 13/06/2016 15:37 - Australia - Turramurra

Today, I walked into pawn shop and found a nice laptop which I inspected after I thought I lost mine months ago. Turns out my ex pawned it after having it at her place all this time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 338

You deserved it 1 251

Ouch

By Anonymous - 01/04/2018 05:00

Today, I went in for an STD test. The Q-tip broke off in my urethra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 573

You deserved it 441

By Salaryman - 15/02/2009 06:21 - Philippines

Today, I was instructed by my boss to welcome the 2 new foreign business partners since I am the only one who could speak their language. When they arrived I greeted them in their language. One of them scratched his head and asked his companion in plain and clear English, "What did he say?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 749

You deserved it 4 997

By Anonymous - 09/10/2018 03:00

Today, I was cuddling with the girl I've been seeing for the past few months. She was saying how much she liked me and how much I meant to her. Reciprocating those feelings, I asked her to be my girlfriend. It was a HARD no for her. Then she drove me an hour and a half home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 288

You deserved it 311

Confirmed

By Anatomy - 28/01/2017 22:00 - United States - Albany

Today, after being suspicious for some time, I learned that my husband really has been going to the library in his free time to study anatomy. Specifically female anatomy, with the librarian, in the back closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 193

You deserved it 683

By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 22:26

Today, I text messaged my mom from Afghanistan to let her know everything was okay. She responded, telling me not to message her so much because "the price of text messages really adds up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 576

You deserved it 3 633

By Anonyme - 04/01/2011 11:30 - Algeria

Today, my mom corrected all the spelling mistakes in my diary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 650

You deserved it 90

By Axlgrows - 02/12/2016 16:44

Today, a friend admitted that the reason I got the nickname Axl is because I was an A cup with XL underwear. I guess I should be called Axxl now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 481

You deserved it 1 638

By Professor FacePalm - 28/11/2016 23:22 - United Kingdom

Today, the police gave me a ticket for obstructing a loading bay as the vehicle "was not parked within the loading bay markings". I couldn't get the vehicle fully into the loading bay because there was a police vehicle in the way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 415

You deserved it 716

What a feeling!

By numbcrumb - 18/09/2017 23:15

Today, I discovered I have a condition that causes loss of feeling in my clitoris during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 970

You deserved it 311

I'm outta here

By Goober - 20/09/2017 14:30

Today, I moved in with my in-laws and don't yet have money to pay rent, so I'm keeping to myself and staying out of trouble. While trying to write a thank you card, I spilled black ink all over the new rug and it bled through to the carpet. I might need to find a new place to live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 207

You deserved it 653

Millennial Life

By goodbyeadulthood - 09/09/2019 06:00

Today, my parents told me that from now on I have to share a room with my 9-year-old sister. She already called top bunk. I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 563

You deserved it 588

What should I do?

By Anonymous - 08/12/2019 20:00

Today, I got a XXX wax, because my boyfriend wouldn't go down on me as he didn't like the hair. Now he won't sleep with me at all because I look like a child with no pubic hair, and he "feels like a pedophile." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 370

You deserved it 597

By Anonymous - 31/05/2016 15:30 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I fell down the stairs while holding some dirty glasses from my room. I ended up pulling pieces of glass from my body. Meanwhile all my mom cares about is the fact that I broke three of her favorite glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 278

You deserved it 1 854

By Forever alone - 19/07/2018 01:30 - Netherlands - Volendam

Today, I met a man on Tinder who said he was a chef at his own restaurant. He invited me to come eat at his restaurant and told me he would reserve me the best seat in the place. I got there to see he was not a chef, but my waiter. I paid him for the dinner. I ate by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 898

You deserved it 509

What's in a name?

By charlatan - 19/08/2018 01:30

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She asked me what year I was born in, then brutally rejected me. Apparently it's because my name wasn't in the top 20 baby names for my birth year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 994

You deserved it 231

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, it's 3:42 a.m. and my son is crying because I won't let him play with his dirty diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 965

You deserved it 332

Today, I finally unfriended my roommate's mom on Facebook after months of her commenting on my wall multiple times a day and basically stalking me. After discovering this, she drove to our apartment to demand through hysterical tears that my roommate move out because I can't be trusted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 796

You deserved it 3 331

Today, I learned I have a severe sinus infection, my body really can't handle antibiotics, and I can projectile vomit out my nose. Not sure if I am more impressed that I still somehow aimed the puke into the sink, or that swallowing afterwards hurt more than emptying my stomach via my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 454

You deserved it 2 270

Today, I was having a conversation with my husband when our daughter walked in and shouted at us, “For god's sake, will you two either stop shouting or buy some fucking hearing aids.” That’s when we realised we might be going deaf, given that we've been saying “Pardon?” or “What?” without noticing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 647

You deserved it 263

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 594

You deserved it 1 903

Today, after politely reminding my husband to turn the bathroom light off after he's done, he did so. While I was on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 604

You deserved it 8 298