Today, I was instructed by my boss to welcome the 2 new foreign... - FML

By Salaryman - 15/2/2009 06:21 - Philippines

Today, I was instructed by my boss to welcome the 2 new foreign business partners since I am the only one who could speak their language. When they arrived I greeted them in their language. One of them scratched his head and asked his companion in plain and clear English, "What did he say?" FML

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Hello everyone!

Mixed signals

Sister of the year

By I warned him - 19/12/2014 02:39 - United States - Marietta

Today, I beat my boyfriend in a video game. He promptly dumped me and told me to leave. FML

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By raven_of_azarath - 29/7/2019 02:00

Today, I found a spider in my car the size of my hand. Help. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2011 03:21 - United States

Today, I asked for permission to marry the girl I love. Her father not only said no, he said "HELL no!" FML

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By ocdeane - 1/10/2019 22:00 - Germany - Mainz

Disgusting

Today, I noticed a disgusting, cheesy smell and spent all day wondering what it was. I later found out that it wasn't coming from my feet, but from my belly button. My surgery wound got infected. I'm a germaphobe. FML

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By badmombadkids - 24/5/2020 02:00

Assholes, assholes everywhere

Today, my nephews decided to play with and break the antique hourglass I bought for my mom. It took months to find and cost nearly $500. When I told my sister, she refused to repay me and responded with, "What do you expect, they’re just little boys!" Her "little boys" are 12 and 14. FML

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By smokeysarah94 - 4/3/2013 01:17 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my boss and I had to come up with a code to call if a person acts inappropriately towards me because I "attract too many weirdos." FML

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By HoHoSnow - 9/12/2009 03:03 - United States

Today, I got stuck in the snow in the middle of street. As I was just beginning to get myself unstuck, the snow plow came by and buried the front end of my car. FML

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By kayak probs - 30/7/2013 14:13 - United States - Newtown

Today, I finished the kayak I have been working on for four years. I can't get it out of my basement. FML

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By sweetjulie - 11/7/2019 18:00

Today, and for the past week, my 5-year-old daughter has been introducing herself as “Mazda. Zoom-zoom!” FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2015 03:31 - United States - New Britain

Today, I found out that the nickname my friend has been calling me in Japanese for the past year is the word for "Idiot". FML

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By bitchypast - 27/1/2015 23:50 - United States - Rockland

Today, is the blizzard. I have to go into work, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't show up. I sent him a picture of the snow completely covering my car. He said I moved the snow there and could move it back. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 19:40 - United States

Today, my dads cremated remains came in the mail. This is the first time, in my entire adult life, that he has visited me at my home. FML

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By be_nj - 29/5/2009 03:51 - United States

Today, at work as a cashier, I had a male customer come up to me and ask me what hours I worked today, like he has done for several weeks now. Immediately after, my manager calls my lane to tell me to watch out for that guy. He has been stalking a co-worker of mine. Apparently, I'm next. FML

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By no more flips - 17/5/2015 14:05 - United States - Columbus

Today, I decided to impress my friends by doing a flip on the trampoline. What did impress them, was my lack of tears after I hit the edge of the trampoline and broke my nose. FML

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By chynna - 6/8/2014 21:35 - United States - Evansville

Today, I paid $325 to have the vet tell me that my 19-year-old cat ISN'T dying, she just had anxiety shits because we were gone on vacation for so long. FML

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By avocadopurse - 9/7/2018 19:00

Today, I told my grandmother I was planning a trip to take my newborn son to meet his great-great-grandfather before it was too late. She had a guilty expression on her face. My great-grandfather died 4 months ago and my family forgot to tell me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2013 04:37 - United States - West Hartford

Today, I found out the unionized cleaning people that empty the garbage and clean the toilets make $19/hr and have more paid time off than I do with my college degree. FML

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By Lindso1 - 6/7/2018 01:30

Today, I came home to find my home had been broken into. Nothing was taken, but all the drains were plugged and the water left blasting on high, with a note that said “enjoy the mess”. FML

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By me - 23/10/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I came home from work to my 3 year old daughter sniffing the rug in the living room. When I asked her what she was doing she said "Daddy smell this." So I went, got on my knees and bent down to smell it and she pushed my face in the dog crap smeared in the rug. FML

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By sammers27 - 19/12/2013 13:48 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, a weird guy in pajama pants and a fake hair-hat kept standing by us at a concert. Everyone talked about what a creep he was. I would have too, but he was my dad. FML

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By I'm_Not_Interested - 6/7/2015 05:30 - United States - Reno

Today, I found out the only reason why a friend of mine even bothered talking to me. He thought that I'd sleep with him if he was nice enough. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2009 21:54 - United States

Today, after being turned away by nearly all the restaurants in the area, I tried applying at Burger King. They too turned me away. I have a Culinary School Degree. FML

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By Paul - 8/8/2011 01:49 - United States

Today, some cops came to my house saying that the neighbors thought the party I was having was too loud and obnoxious. It was my grandmother's 86 birthday party. FML

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By crossfitter - 21/5/2015 12:22

Today, I decided to get in shape for swimsuit season, so I went to the gym. I tried to lift a barbell up and over my head, which was fine, until I dropped it. Exercise earned me a concussion and a neck brace. FML

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By anonymous - 28/7/2012 13:26 - Lebanon

Today, I went on an overnight airplane flight. I wanted to be comfy so I took off my shorts, threw a blanket over myself, and slept. When the lights came back on, I ran to the bathroom before they served food. After using the bathroom, I noticed I hadn't put my shorts back on. FML

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By hot sweet.... not - 23/2/2014 22:27 - United Kingdom - Renfrew

Today, I was babysitting an 8-year-old boy. He was playing with play-doh and made a sculpture that resembled a penis. I tried to cover up and asked if it was an action figure. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "It's a DICK." FML

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By fiat850 - 9/5/2020 17:00

Messy

Today, I had two accidents in my car: one when a truck drove into its rear end, the other immediately after when my own rear end released its load onto the seat. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2020 23:01

Fly me to the moon

Today, I booked a long distance flight across two continents, costing me over 600 bucks. I then got a confirmation email. For a different flight. I wrote to their customer service address, saying there has been an error, and to please either change or cancel the booking. I never got any reply. At all. FML

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By wtf - 30/5/2012 21:34 - United Kingdom - Staines

Today, I met up with my dad after having worked abroad for the past six months. Apparently, during that time he's had a mid-life crisis or been snorting a few too many turds, because he's now some sort of hippie calling himself "Memnoch of Pleiades". FML

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By usadisvet - 2/4/2015 06:43 - United States - Loudon

Today, at the DMV I was told I had to prove, with a doctor's note, that I was an amputee and my disability was permanent to get my placard. Apparently, setting my prosthetic leg on the counter wasn't proof enough, and is considered "threatening". The police were called. FML

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By Anon - 18/12/2019 14:00 - Australia - Brisbane

At the top of desire

Today, my boyfriend told me that when I orgasm, I sound like I'm choking. Only I'm not choking, I'm just getting the wind knocked out of me by his weight when he is on top. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2009 04:10 - Canada

Today, I went to the bar to celebrate my friend's birthday party. I gave the bouncer my ID and he kicked me out, saying that I should at least use an ID card with the correct gender. I'm 22 and female, he thought I was an underage boy. FML

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By justmyluck25 - 23/7/2010 12:59 - United States

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

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By makiju - 13/11/2012 21:23 - France - M?zi?res-sur-seine

Today, I was severely chewed out by my boss because, according to him, I look down on him too often. I'm 6ft5. FML

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By wtfisgoingon - 28/4/2013 10:30 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was in the middle of having a shower when I noticed a camera hidden in the corner of the room pointing directly towards the shower which I stood in butt-naked. I live by myself and have recently only moved in. FML

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By WTF? - 3/10/2013 16:42 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I got kicked out of English class shortly after our teacher told us we have to write an essay on how the storyline of Harry Potter is one big allegory for "the futility of socialism." Apparently, reacting with disbelief makes me a "disruptive influence." FML

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By ohcrap - 8/11/2012 01:41 - United States

Today, while I was sitting on the toilet, my toddler swung the door open. We just bought the house, and we have no curtains. Our new neighbor, who I haven't met, was mowing her yard. I stood half-naked to close the door, and our eyes met. I froze. She waved. FML

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By mushroomtop - 23/9/2017 23:15

Today, I woke up extremely hung over on a friend's couch after a night of heavy drinking and partying. To my horror, I discovered that, in my drunken state, I'd allowed said friend's six-year-old daughter to trim my hair. I now have a bowl cut. FML

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By clueless - 19/5/2014 17:15 - United States - Irvine

Today, I realized that when a girl asks what your plans are for Valentine's Day and you say "nothing" and she responds with, "Oh, I don't have any plans either", it means she wants you to take her out. Took me three months to figure that out. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2013 04:44 - United States - Vancouver

Today, my boss held my hair while I threw up. It's day two on the job. FML

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Top comments

By brodizzle | 0

#4848 - Saturday 21 February 2009 13:21

Haha, in Canada for a school trip I spent a good 15 minutes getting up the nerve to order something in a mall in french, and when I did, I got a "Would you like ketchup with that?" in English.

By Malik_fml | 0

#2363 - Sunday 15 February 2009 17:28

Oh man, this is one of the best FMLs I've read in a week. Hilarious.

COMMENTS

By Malik_fml | 0

#2363 - Sunday 15 February 2009 17:28

Oh man, this is one of the best FMLs I've read in a week. Hilarious.

Reply

AliceSaysFYL | 0

#1062395 - Sunday 4 July 2010 12:34

How is this an FML?

By Imdead | 0

#2416 - Sunday 15 February 2009 22:23

That's awkward! haha.

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#2464 - Monday 16 February 2009 0:31

RACIST.

By meemz | 0

#2495 - Monday 16 February 2009 2:15

ahahaha. great. something to be afraid of in the future x.x''

By brodizzle | 0

#4848 - Saturday 21 February 2009 13:21

Haha, in Canada for a school trip I spent a good 15 minutes getting up the nerve to order something in a mall in french, and when I did, I got a "Would you like ketchup with that?" in English.

Reply

nicesprites | 4

#2074047 - Saturday 12 February 2011 9:40

you're an idiot. most people can't speak French in Canada.

Reply

ThatGenericGuy | 6

#3040962 - Friday 5 August 2011 2:00

You, sir, must live under a rock.

Reply

EvilLilCupcake | 10

#3266293 - Saturday 10 September 2011 8:28

Your an idiot ALOT of canadiens speak French! Dumbass

Reply

VeganVampyre | 26

#3470046 - Saturday 22 October 2011 5:14

Actually, 20, most of us can speak at least some basic French because French classes are mandatory in school from at least grade 3 to grade 10, if not longer.

Reply

brend5033 | 4

#3522686 - Tuesday 1 November 2011 4:12

The majority of people in Canada speak English, even if they are fluent in French. However most people know a basis of both languages so there really is no need to worry about something as simple as ordering.

Reply

slipmaster | 6

#4302189 - Saturday 14 April 2012 4:31

grades4-9 in ontario!

Reply

Kng21 | 0

#4933171 - Friday 14 September 2012 22:37

Umm.....Canadiens speak English

Reply

ChakatBlackstar | 29

#5721162 - Friday 18 October 2013 18:10

#20 Most Canadians know some french, especially in Quebec if I'm not mistaken.

Reply

Dynosaur_dollie | 38

#6201538 - Friday 13 February 2015 17:59

#24 they are not mandatory in Alberta. I can't speak a single word of French and don't actually know anyone who can. I had the option to take French in grade 8 though.

By BlaisOf_Fire91 | 0

#302982 - Sunday 14 June 2009 6:06

Your boss is fail xD

By Goople | 0

#785390 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 2:52

thats pretty funny OP! you just made my day...

By andrewgavn | 0

#906292 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 3:31

ha u got owned

By ecpeake | 0

#1052273 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:46

l ikffl

By squanmonster | 8

#2472435 - Saturday 7 May 2011 15:54

never listen to your boss