Work: Today, I was instructed by my boss to welcome the 2 new foreign... - FML

By Salaryman - Philippines

Today, I was instructed by my boss to welcome the 2 new foreign business partners since I am the only one who could speak their language. When they arrived I greeted them in their language. One of them scratched his head and asked his companion in plain and clear English, "What did he say?" FML

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Triage

It wasn't me

Fancy a pint?

By kal - United States

Today, in bio class, we were studying the reproductive system. I don't like talking about this stuff, and I twitched every time my teacher said "penis" or "vagina." When I told my family, they laughed and kept repeating those words just to see me twitch. FML

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By i tried so hard - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried really hard for once on an assignment. I was told it was my worst work yet and that I may as well have turned nothing in at all. FML

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By badluckryan - United States - Uxbridge

Today, I received a drunken prank call from a girl I didn't know around 1am. I don't know what's sadder, that I carried out the conversation for 30 minutes, or that this was the first girl to call me in over a year. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, at work, I got chilli powder in my eye. Now not only do I have a swollen, blistered eye, but I am covered in milk as my boss assured me that would help. FML

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By our kids will be derps - Canada - Nelson

Today, my boyfriend found an empty snail shell. I tried messing with him by saying the snail had turned into a slug, like caterpillars turn into butterflies. He quickly replied, "Yeah I know. I'm not a tard, babe." and said he'd been taught all that and more back in school. What the hell? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bradenton

Today, my father told me that my mental health issues, which have been confirmed by multiple doctors and tests, are all caused by the fact that I'm slightly overweight and don't exercise a lot. FML

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By wowthanks - United States - Baldwin Park

Today, I was asked out by a friend of mine. He's a doctor and works at a prestigious hospital, so thinking we would eat somewhere special, I got all dressed up. We ended up eating at his hospital's cafeteria, because he gets a small employee discount. FML

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By lonely one - United States

Today, it's been a week since I've been in hospital. No one has been to visit me. The nurses have nicknamed me "The Lonely One." FML

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By really? - United States

Today, while at a concert, my boyfriend got mad and jealous because I kept looking at the singer instead of him. He still won't talk to me. FML

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By underemployed - United States

Today, I found out my no-work-experience brother has just accepted a 50k/year job. He is still in school and has never had a job. I work as an intern for 11 hours a day, get rude emails from my boss, and have 3 degrees and 5 years work experience. FML

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By jesuschrist

They'll go at night

Today, my daughter asked me why NASA hasn't gone to the sun yet. She's seventeen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I turned 17. My parents completely forgot it was my birthday, and when I reminded them, my dad thought it was my 18th. He was ecstatic and mentioned that I can "finally get the hell out." FML

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By NoPrivacy - United States

Today, my boss overheard me singing, "I need a shit, I need a shit" on my way to the bathroom. FML

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By sad guy - United States

Today, a huge and angry man stormed into my work and threatened to kill me if I didn't stop sleeping with his wife. He then threatened to come back and kick my ass if I so much as texted his wife again. The problem is, I'm married, have never cheated and I work for my wife's father. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I briefly had the coolest boss in the world. He stormed over to a nasty customer who was giving me hell, and he absolutely laid into her. It lasted about 10 seconds before he collapsed from a major heart attack. A coworker's already blamed me for not pacifying the customer in the first place and causing all this to happen. FML

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By iwillcutyou - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Charming

Today, as I was working in retail, this guy shoved me into the shelves for asking if he needed help with anything, screaming at me that I need to leave him alone. FML

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By whytoday - United States

Today, on the first day of my nanny job, I wanted to impress my employers with how trustworthy and responsible I am. During the sixty seconds that I went to pee, the two-year-old found a black Sharpie and scribbled all over the wall. Nail polish remover made it ten times worse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found myself trying to explain to my puppy why I'm still single. I think I just found out why. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Still got game

Today, I listened to my voice mail messages for the first time in months. One was from my Grandma that must have been meant for Gramps. I think I know now why my mother has so many siblings. FML

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By Noah

Today, a friend pointed out to me that I bear a striking resemblance to Anne Frank. I'm a 16-year-old guy, and I'm inclined to agree with him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 2 year-old son decided to pee on the dog for the second day in a row. I'm afraid this will turn into a routine thing. FML

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By its ok to cheat!? - United States - Brisbane

Today, I got my results on a recent, important midterm. During the exam, I'd noticed my instructor had accidentally left an answers page in the test packet, so being honest, I didn't look at them. It turns out she did it on purpose to help us pass. I failed. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2021 02:00

The truth will out

Today, I accidentally overheard my thesis supervisor mutter, "fucking idiot" coming out of a Zoom meeting with him. It was only me and him in the Zoom meeting, and he said it 4 seconds after saying goodbye. I just quit Zoom without saying anything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, because of the gas crisis in my state, we had to stop taking delivers at the pizza place I work at. Someone asked if we could walk it to them. My manager agreed. FML

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By Modeon123 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, I was eating my lunch. When I opened my mouth to eat a spoonful of rice, a bee flew right inside my mouth. My tongue got stung. FML

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By LeaveMeAlone - 23/2/2021 22:56

Get out of there, fast

Today, I went on a date with a really cute guy. Things were going great, so we went to his place. While he was in the bathroom, I absentmindedly looked around his apartment. Unfortunately, his living room cupboard was half open, and I saw a shrine of pictures of me. Apparently, he's been stalking me for months. FML

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By Anon - United States - Pasco

Today, my boyfriend and I were reminiscing and sharing funny stories of when we were little. It was then that he told me he used to be flexible enough to suck his own weiner. FML

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By Fridaythe12th - United States

Today, I was so excited to finally use my $45 gift card to a hair salon. I walk up to the doors to find them locked and to look inside to see that the salon was not only closed but out of business. FML

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By uglyallover - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing a game where you ask sexual questions and you have to give an honest answer. At one point, I asked my boyfriend what his favorite position is, to which he quickly answered with no hesitation, "Any one where I don't have to see your face or body." FML

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By ZombieLicker - United States

Today, I was walking into the building I hoped to work in someday with my resume, ready to be interviewed. As I walked through the doors I had to sneeze, so lifted my hands and sneezed a huge bloody booger right in the middle of the cover page. Turns out future employers don't like that. FML

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By marcy_89

Today, with 3 miles left of a 16-mile bike ride, I got a flat tire and had to push my bike back to my car. FML

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By nakedweddingday - United States - Long Beach

Today, I came home from work to find white fabric and crystals all over the apartment floor. I followed the trail of destruction to my bedroom, where my roommate had left our closet door open. Apparently, her cats decided that my wedding gown was to be their newest conquest. FML

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By Anonymous

Do you have an evil twin?

Today, my wife's parents came over, insisting they saw me at the bar at 1:30 p.m., talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day. I have no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

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By themanzz - Canada

Today, I was helping my Dad pick up the pieces of bark that came off the tree that we'd just cut down. I bent over to grab a dark looking piece of bark. Turn out it was my dogs crap. Fresh, warm, moist piece of crap to be exact. FML

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By not the cook - United States - Wernersville

Today, I found out that my restaurant's food is so bad that the only reason some people visit is because they're punishing their kids. FML

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By marie0908 - France - Siros

Today, my 6-year-old son asked me what a "sex toy" was. Not really knowing what to tell him, I said it was a game. He's asked for one for Christmas. FML

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By sadchick - United States

Today, my mom found a new favorite game. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and still have not been able to find a job (months after graduating college). Due to this stress I cry easily, her game? Seeing how many times a day she can make me boo-hoo. FML

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By Zebracat - United States

Today, I was watching TV and started freaking out thinking I forgot to tell my boyfriend happy anniversary. I wrote him a text and after it sent, I realized the date is mine and my ex's anniversary date. FML

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By JB - United States - Somerset

Today, while my husband and I were arguing, he walked away in the middle of my sentence yelling, "Remember babe, you're only my current wife!" FML

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By IcyWinter - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had to tell my daughter that just because markers say "washable", it doesn't mean that you can draw all over our newly-painted walls. She's 15. FML

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Top comments

By brodizzle | 0

#4848 - Saturday 21 February 2009 13:21

Haha, in Canada for a school trip I spent a good 15 minutes getting up the nerve to order something in a mall in french, and when I did, I got a "Would you like ketchup with that?" in English.

By Malik_fml | 0

#2363 - Sunday 15 February 2009 17:28

Oh man, this is one of the best FMLs I've read in a week. Hilarious.

COMMENTS

By Malik_fml | 0

#2363 - Sunday 15 February 2009 17:28

Oh man, this is one of the best FMLs I've read in a week. Hilarious.

Reply

AliceSaysFYL | 0

#1062395 - Sunday 4 July 2010 12:34

How is this an FML?

By Imdead | 0

#2416 - Sunday 15 February 2009 22:23

That's awkward! haha.

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#2464 - Monday 16 February 2009 0:31

RACIST.

By meemz | 0

#2495 - Monday 16 February 2009 2:15

ahahaha. great. something to be afraid of in the future x.x''

By brodizzle | 0

#4848 - Saturday 21 February 2009 13:21

Haha, in Canada for a school trip I spent a good 15 minutes getting up the nerve to order something in a mall in french, and when I did, I got a "Would you like ketchup with that?" in English.

Reply

nicesprites | 4

#2074047 - Saturday 12 February 2011 9:40

you're an idiot. most people can't speak French in Canada.

Reply

ThatGenericGuy | 6

#3040962 - Friday 5 August 2011 2:00

You, sir, must live under a rock.

Reply

EvilLilCupcake | 10

#3266293 - Saturday 10 September 2011 8:28

Your an idiot ALOT of canadiens speak French! Dumbass

Reply

VeganVampyre | 26

#3470046 - Saturday 22 October 2011 5:14

Actually, 20, most of us can speak at least some basic French because French classes are mandatory in school from at least grade 3 to grade 10, if not longer.

Reply

brend5033 | 4

#3522686 - Tuesday 1 November 2011 4:12

The majority of people in Canada speak English, even if they are fluent in French. However most people know a basis of both languages so there really is no need to worry about something as simple as ordering.

Reply

slipmaster | 6

#4302189 - Saturday 14 April 2012 4:31

grades4-9 in ontario!

Reply

Kng21 | 0

#4933171 - Friday 14 September 2012 22:37

Umm.....Canadiens speak English

Reply

ChakatBlackstar | 29

#5721162 - Friday 18 October 2013 18:10

#20 Most Canadians know some french, especially in Quebec if I'm not mistaken.

Reply

Dynosaur_dollie | 38

#6201538 - Friday 13 February 2015 17:59

#24 they are not mandatory in Alberta. I can't speak a single word of French and don't actually know anyone who can. I had the option to take French in grade 8 though.

By BlaisOf_Fire91 | 0

#302982 - Sunday 14 June 2009 6:06

Your boss is fail xD

By Goople | 0

#785390 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 2:52

thats pretty funny OP! you just made my day...

By andrewgavn | 0

#906292 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 3:31

ha u got owned

By ecpeake | 0

#1052273 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:46

l ikffl

By squanmonster | 8

#2472435 - Saturday 7 May 2011 15:54

never listen to your boss