Intimacy: Today, I woke up to 15 texts from my mom, 6 missed calls, and...

By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I woke up to 15 texts from my mom, 6 missed calls, and with no bra or shirt on in a random guy's bed. Welcome to spring break, ladies and gentleman. FML

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Intimacy

Understandable

Proactive

Do as I say, not as I do

By blue.

Today, I'm the coach of a football team. To celebrate winning a game, they poured a cooler of blue Gatorade over my head. This would've been great, if not for the fact that I'm highly allergic to blue food dye. FML

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By jenjam

Today, I bought a home at a bargain. It will need 5 grand in repairs to fix plumbing and electric, but it's mine. When I pulled up the listing to show pictures to my friends, there was a new listing that was in the same neighborhood, and a larger, nicer house that is move in ready. Same price. FML

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By ashamed

Dad jokes, part #23556

Today, I finally let my parents meet a boyfriend of mine for the first time ever. My dad mentioned how he was happy to finally meet him, because for the past 4 years he'd thought I was gay. FML

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By Anonymous

Loser

Today, the dog my now ex-boyfriend and I own together bit me bad enough that I needed stitches on my face and my hand... he then broke up with me and saying it was all too much for him and has kept the dog... FML

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By littlestardramaq - United Kingdom

Today, I got an email from my cousin to "save the date" for her baby shower. It's on my 21st birthday. This is the same cousin who got engaged on my 18th. FML

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By yudencow

Reading skills

Today, I showed my parents the latest excerpt from my first book. It's about narratology. My dad thought I was writing about meat. He read "peaks and valleys" as "pork and veal." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Berkeley

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. I said yes. This caused him to panic, excuse himself, then take it back via text message a half hour later, claiming he'd been drunk. We live together. When he comes back home, it's going to be very awkward indeed. FML

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By how about never? - United States - San Fernando

Today, I gave birth to my first child. The first thing my husband says? "When can I hit it again, doc?" FML

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By vmml97 - Canada

Today, my boss called me into his office. He then fired me. Upset, I asked him "Well, who's gonna replace me?" His answer was "I don't know and don't care. Everyone who works here hates you. Now go away." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was accused of shop-lifting by an old lady in a supermarket. Having proven myself innocent, I tried to storm off to show my displeasure at the situation. In my haste to make a dramatic exit, I tried to go out of the entrance and walked straight into the automatic door. FML

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By urmommmm - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My parents came into my room at 12:01 to surprise me. Do you know what fifteen year olds do at midnight? FML

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By Anonymous - Philippines - Las Pi?as City

Today, at preschool, I got to meet the mother of my daughter's best friend. She complimented mine's grades, and noted her quirkiness. I complimented her's for being congenial and being well-rounded. Later, my daughter said they are no longer besties because her mom said I called her daughter fat. FML

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By uglychick - Canada

Today, my brother came out of the shower and sat with my mom and me on the couch. He then says he liked the idea of the extra toothbrush in the shower, it helps him clean between his toes. I have been using that to brush my teeth for the last two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, the guy I'd been talking to online and liked came to my house party with a bunch of mutual friends. He spent the night sitting in the corner on the sofa talking to my cat. I woke up later to see that not only had he crashed for the night, but he'd curled up in the dog basket. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my child told me when she makes enough money to support herself, she's never going to speak to me again. FML

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By hastobeajoke - United States

Today, I submitted my 208th job application in less than a year, and went to my 83rd and 84th interviews, only to be told once again that I'm over-qualified for the first, and under-qualified for the second. FML

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By caught out - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my brother, the plumber, was called to unblock a toilet. Whenever this occurs, he takes a photo of it and sends it to me. It always seems to happen around meal time. FML

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By WHY - United States - Fairfax

Today, I planned on "breaking up" with my best friend by confessing my love for her, hoping she would feel different and move on. She reciprocated. FML

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By insomniacap - United States - Stratford

Today, I am struggling with exhaustion due to insomnia. The reason I cannot sleep is crippling anxiety - not about my complicated romantic situation, my pileup of work, or even my relationship with my father. No, I'm afraid of a blind ship captain I saw in a dream three days ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, an old guy approached me and asked if I had ever seen an elephant with white ears. I shook my head. He then pulled the pockets out of his shorts and whipped out his sex nose. FML

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By StairwayToEvan92

Today, I ran over a recently-killed skunk in the road. My truck now smells absolutely rancid, and the smell will probably last for months. At least it goes well with my dog, who was also skunked 6 weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, my mom wouldn't let me go to the YMCA pool with the rest of the family. She said that the sound my thighs make when they rub together is "embarrassing". FML

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By Cora - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. His response was, "Thank god, finally." FML

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By Unfortunate - United States - Bellevue

Today, I realized that my life would make an excellent meme: Nerd girl goes to college, finally loses virginity; gets chlamydia. FML

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By clecker - Australia

Today, I finally paid off the massive debt on my credit card. I came home only to find that almost everything I owned had been repossessed an hour before I paid the debt. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, something in my shoe was bothering me at work. After about 30 minutes, I finally had a chance to fix it. There was a squashed lizard in my shoe. FML

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By dragonstooth257

Today, I confessed to my husband that I quoted Lightning McQueen in an interview and got my dream job because of it. He wont stop laughing and telling my friends. I'm never going to live this down. FML

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2019

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By ART - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year decided to confess to me that almost everything he has told me in our relationship has been a lie. This includes telling me that he was single when we first met, telling me that he loved me, and telling me that I was beautiful. FML

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By addie19 - United States

Today, I found out the antibiotics I'm taking can cause you to vomit unexpectedly. In the car. While driving. To work. FML

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By Blueshock08 - United States

Today, I learned that it doesn't matter how good you've screwed a satellite dish onto the side of your house, it won't stop the wind the ripping it off and taking half the wall with it. FML

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By Joe - United States

Today, I had the cops called on me because I accidentally texted "I'm going to kill you and use your head as hood ornament" to my ex-fiancé, instead of my best friend. I only texted that because he got a better grade on an exam than me. Now I have a court date. FML

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By CutestBoysEver - United States - Fruita

Today, I went to the hospital in labor expecting a baby boy. I ended the day with identical twins, a baffled doctor, and a husband convinced that our sons can clone themselves. FML

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By Thoughtless Wife

Today, my sister-in-law announced on Facebook that I did nothing for my husband's birthday. I'd just had major surgery, and I'm not allowed to drive or do much. We had a small party - just us and the kids - but didn't invite anyone over. I guess not inviting her meant we did nothing. FML

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By - France

Today, I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. On new years, my mom called and asked what kind of champagne I want. FML

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By Tooks - United Kingdom

Today, everyone at work commented on how much better my new haircut looked and how I should keep styling it this way as it's such an improvement over my old style. I was late for work this morning. My new hair style was Bed hair that I didn't have time to sort out... FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 02:00

Yummy, apple crumble!

Today, I accidentally cooked my new Apple Pencil. Being magnetic, it stuck to a baking tray that was put down on the table I’d been drawing at, and went in the oven. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me while we were at the pool. He seemed shocked that I wasn't crying. A slim girl in a bikini walked past and said, "Don't worry, fat people are used to it." FML

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By robinhoood - United States

Today, I got T-boned by a woman going 60 mph. I was unconscious for hours while a tube was inserted into my collapsed lung. Upon waking up my 16-year old brother thought it would be hilarious to yank out my leg hairs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that getting wasted before finals is not a good idea. I sat down in the test hall, reached into my bag for a pencil, and found instead three baby carrots and a spoon. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6568494 - Sunday 27 March 2016 16:54

On the first day of spring break, your one night stand got you: 15 texts from mom, 14 pulsating head pains, 13 cents in your pocket, 12 hours forgotten, 11 inexplicable Snapchats, 10 new sex positions attempted, 9 indentations on your face for sleeping on wrinkled sheets, 8 odors you didn't even know existed, 7 things you forgot to do, 6 missed calls, 5 minutes before mystery guy returns, 4 pairs of boxers on the floor, 3 tangents of thought about how many guys were actually there last night, 2 turtles in the terrarium mystery guys keep on a shelf, and a missing shirt/bra combo stranding you temporarily!

By Irakli_1 | 27

#6568454 - Sunday 27 March 2016 16:31

The important thing is to wake up in the same country

COMMENTS

By SOILEDIT | 51

#6568431 - Sunday 27 March 2016 16:27

What else happened? This is the beginning to a really wild story!

nzhx | 23

#6568453 - Sunday 27 March 2016 16:31

Not necessarily? All she described was sex with a stranger if that's your definition of wild spring break is on all year round

slappygecko | 21

#6568531 - Sunday 27 March 2016 17:33

It'll be like the fourth hangover movie.

ladyLALAA | 28

#6568542 - Sunday 27 March 2016 17:46

#5 slut says what?

yenze | 18

#6568570 - Sunday 27 March 2016 18:46

What?

NYGiants1925 | 22

#6568676 - Sunday 27 March 2016 20:23

I don't think she remembers the rest of the story...

YouDeservedIt69 | 8

#6569545 - Monday 28 March 2016 23:19

You seem like a slut

By Kaoticwolf | 17

#6568433 - Sunday 27 March 2016 16:27

SOUNDS LIKE ONE HELL OF A NIGHT :D

A07 | 48

#6568625 - Sunday 27 March 2016 19:46

STOP SHOUTING

ThrottleJockey | 34

#6568885 - Monday 28 March 2016 1:04

LOUD VOICES!

By tackblog | 14

#6568435 - Sunday 27 March 2016 16:27

*looks at location*

Seems about right.

Marcella1016 | 30

#6568788 - Sunday 27 March 2016 23:02

What is the location? All I see on mobile is United States.

FrizzyGuide | 8

#6568995 - Monday 28 March 2016 4:42

For me it says she is from United States, Indiana.

By tin_cup | 27

#6568451 - Sunday 27 March 2016 16:31

Sounds like a fun night to me!! Why is this an FML?

By Irakli_1 | 27

#6568454 - Sunday 27 March 2016 16:31

The important thing is to wake up in the same country

By darshini_ii | 24

#6568469 - Sunday 27 March 2016 16:36

We need a follow up Op

By dilliedill | 13

#6568479 - Sunday 27 March 2016 16:42

We're up all night to get lucky!

By Tripartita | 44

#6568494 - Sunday 27 March 2016 16:54

theswanlake | 13

#6568496 - Sunday 27 March 2016 16:56

GENIUS!

sammiaaron | 16

#6568508 - Sunday 27 March 2016 17:05

brava, good sir

19990231 | 29

#6568513 - Sunday 27 March 2016 17:08

Up voted for effort.

ladyLALAA | 28

#6568543 - Sunday 27 March 2016 17:48

Drugs really are bad

Tripartita | 44

#6568670 - Sunday 27 March 2016 20:13

I don't know if using the feminine form of bravo was intentional, #12, but thanks regardless.

RoseCrystal | 17

#6568698 - Sunday 27 March 2016 20:51

*standing ovation* Bravo!!!!

PrincessZelda_HR | 22

#6568753 - Sunday 27 March 2016 22:13

That's possibly the most effort I've seen put into an FML comment before, well done sir!

JosephKorso | 15

#6568984 - Monday 28 March 2016 4:21

And a partridge in a pear tree.

tomvertigo | 17

#6569144 - Monday 28 March 2016 10:35

*slow clap*

xx000o | 27

#6569167 - Monday 28 March 2016 12:17

Other than that a relatively quiet night.

SneezyBear | 27

#6569193 - Monday 28 March 2016 12:48

Did anyone else find this difficult to sing? XD

bornpatriot | 11

#6569312 - Monday 28 March 2016 17:21

The Master has spoken

GokuSS400 | 18

#6569767 - Tuesday 29 March 2016 11:05

Sir, you are a genius

Tantien | 8

#6571148 - Thursday 31 March 2016 5:49

Legend. No more than that

By kre8iv | 13

#6568505 - Sunday 27 March 2016 17:04

Spring break goals tho

By born_hustla | 26

#6568510 - Sunday 27 March 2016 17:07

You woke up with a story to tell...start from the beginning.